Season Five Has Now Been Deciphered!

SEASON ONE

Cradle Of Hope

No babies were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Prometheus

Iolaus was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Green Egg Men went on to live long and prosperous lives.

Death In Chains

No jumbo sized cocktail Rats were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Hooves & Harlots

No Males, Centaurs or Amazons were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts

No oversized Polynesian-style bamboo horses were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, many wicker lawn chairs gave their lives.

Athens City Academy Of Performing Bards

The producers would like to acknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas and all those who were involved with the making of the film classic "SPARTACUS."

A Fistful Of Dinars

No Ambrosia was spilled, spoiled or in any way harmed during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)

Warrior . . . Princess

Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Mortal Beloved

No winged Harpies were harmed or sent to a fiery grave during the production of this motion picture.

The Royal Couple Of Thieves

No ancient and inflexible Rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

The Prodigal

Meleager the Mighty, the generally tipsy and carousing Warrior-For-Hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion.

Altared States

No unrelenting or severely punishing Deities were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Ties That Bind

No fathers, spiritual or biological, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

The Greater Good

Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it safe.

Callisto

Joxer's nose was not harmed or mutilated during the production of this motion picture. However, his crossbow was severely damaged.

Death Mask

No messenger doves were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Is There A Doctor In The House?

Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed during the production of this motion picture (but since television is a dramatic medium of make believe, all casualties removed their prosthetic make-up and went home unscathed).

SEASON TWO

Orphan Of War

No sleazy warlords who deem it necessary to drink magic elixirs that turn them into scaly centaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Remember Nothing

Xena's memory was not damaged or... what was I saying?

The Giant Killer

No bible myths or icons were irreparably mangled during the production of this motion picture.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

No bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, a few Driads lost their heads.

Return Of Callisto

Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.

Warrior . . . Princess . . . Tramp

Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Meg, however, suffered minor injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.

Intimate Stranger

Argo was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena.

Ten Little Warlords

No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap.

A Solstice Carol

Senticles was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several chimney are in dire need of repair.

The Xena Scrolls

No Hollywood Producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Here She Comes . . . Miss Amphipolis

No ribbons were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several experienced severe motion sickness.

Destiny

Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However the Producers deny responsibility for any unfortunate acts of betrayal occurring soon thereafter.

The Quest

Xena's body was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back.

A Necessary Evil

The reputation of the Amazon nation was not harmed despite Velasca's overly radical adherence to an otherwise valid belief system.

A Day In The Life

No Slippery Eels were harmed during the production of this motion picture despite their reputation as a fine delicacy in select cultures of the known world.

For Him The Bell Tolls

The producers wish to acknowledge the inspiration of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the classic motion picture "Court Jester."

The Execution

By popular demand "The Executioner" will bring back his comfortable lightweight cotton-flax blend robe in a variety of spring colors.

Blind Faith

Once again, Gabrielle's luck with men was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Ulysses

Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling, Ulysses' ship was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

The Price

To show sympathy for the Horde, "kaltaka" was only served upon request during the production of this motion picture.

Lost Mariner

Cecrops' "Joie de Vivre" was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

A Comedy Of Eros

No Cherries were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

SEASON THREE

The Furies

Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.

Been There, Done That

The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. Although his feather were severely ruffled, a little gel and mousse straightened out of the mess.

The Dirty Half Dozen

No convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get along?

The Deliverer

Gabrielle was slightly well-done during the production of this motion picture. However, the producers would like to recommend a zesty barbecue sauce to bring out the full flavor of the episode.

Gabrielle's Hope

Despite witnessing the bizarre and somewhat disturbing birth of Gabrielle's Hope, no farm animals were harmed or traumatized during the production of this motion picture.

The Debt - Part I

No Frock Tarts were killed during the production of this motion picture although they wish they had been.

The Debt - Part II

Xena and Gabrielle's relationship suffered another blow (although Gabrielle doesn't know it yet) during the production of this motion picture.

The King Of Assassins

Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Warrior . . . Priestess . . . Tramp

Despite another Xena look-alike, the gene pool (or rather the gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

The Quill Is Mightier . . .

No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Maternal Instincts

Xena and Gabrielle's relationship was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

The Bitter Suite

The musical genre was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, the Producers sincerely hope you were A-MUSE-D by this episode.

One Against An Army

Gabrielle's ankle was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Forgiven

No street-talking, cat-fighting, barroom-brawling Juvenile Delinquents were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

King Con

No Con Men were conned during the production of this motion picture.

When In Rome...

Caesar's Palace was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Crassus and the gladiators went down for the count.

Forget Me Not

Xena and Joxer were not forgotten during the production of this motion picture.

Fins, Femmes & Gems

Joxer's dignity was slightly harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to its original condition.

Tsunami

No cast or crew were singing "Thanks for the Memories" during the production of this motion picture. However, the phrase "Strike the Set" was given new meaning.

Vanishing Act

Upon completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' Scuba Gear was placed on display at the Athens Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.

Sacrifice - Part I

No pulsing Cocoons were hatched during the production of this motion picture. What you witnessed was purely a re-enactment.

Sacrifice - Part II

Gabrielle finally went off the deep end during the production of this motion picture.

SEASON FOUR

Adventures In The Sin Trade I

No dead Amazons lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.

Adventures In The Sin Trade II

Xena's search for Gabrielle was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

A Family Affair

No Spiked-Skinned, Beast-Like, Incredibly Hungry offspring who cannot stand the sun were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

In Sickness And In Hell

No leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.

A Good Day

No permanent battle scars were inflicted during production of this motion picture.

A Tale Of Two Muses

No self-righteous Magistrates intent on suppressing the basic human right of freedom of expression were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Locked Up And Tied Down

No rabid flesh-eating Crabs were cooked during the production of this motion picture.

Crusader

Xena's best Chewing Tooth was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Past Imperfect

Borias' goose was cooked during the production of this motion picture.

Key To The Kingdom

No priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origin, were harmed during the filming of this motion picture.

Daughter Of Pomira

No Blonde-Haired, Blue-Eyed Horde girls or their extended families were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

If The Shoe Fits

No fractured fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Paradise Found

Paradise was found but not necessarily embraced during the production of this motion picture.

Devi

In Memory of Women's Best Friend: Bear, Dodger, Kali, Samantha, Taffy, Bear.

Between The Lines

Xena's Chakram got Gabrielle by the short hairs during the production of this motion picture.

The Way

Any similarity between Hanuman and a major character in the motion picture classic "Planet Of The Apes" is purely coincidental.

The Play's The Thing

Although no great literary works of art were harmed or plagiarized, a few thespians stole some scenes during the production of this motion picture.

The Convert

Argo's gastrointestinal condition was cleared up upon completion of this motion picture.

Takes One To Know One

Argo was once again proven innocent during the production of this motion picture.

Endgame

Pompey's reign came to a head during the production of this motion picture.

The Ides Of March

Xena and Gabrielle were killed during the production of this motion picture.

Deja Vu All Over Again

No Sword-Wielding, Card-Playing, Therapy-Seeking French Freedom Fighters were deflowered during the production of this motion picture; However, rumors of Custer and Pocahontas remain unconfirmed.

Sacrifice - Part II

Gabrielle finally went off the deep end during the production of this motion picture.

SEASON FIVE

Fallen Angel

Hell Hath No Fury like a Woman Scorned.

Chakram

Xena's Dark and Violent Past was restored during the production of this motion picture.

Succession

Ares' Libido was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Animal Attraction

Although The Rabbit Died, No other animals were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Them Bones, Them Bones

Xena and Alti were Bad To The Bone during the production of this motion picture.

Purity

To obtain a copy of Joxer's recipe for Moo Shu Sauce and other Chinese delicasies, visit your local bookstore or look for it at the tavern.

Back In The Bottle

Pao Ssu's split personality was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Little Problems

No Pie Tins were harmed during the making of Tharon's mask.

Seeds Of Faith

Thanks to Eli's non-violent ways, many people lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.

Lyre, Lyre, Hearts On Fire

No Lyres were strung out during the production of this motion picture.

Punch Lines

Gabrielle and Argo were Shrunk and Permanently Pressed during the production of this motion picture.

God Fearing Child

Zeus cashed in his chips during the production of this motion picture.

Eternal Bonds

Ares' virility was harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Amphipolis Under Siege

Post Production was under siege during the production of this motion picture.

Married With Fishsticks

No Sea Nymphs or other Denizens of the Deep were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Life Blood

Warning: The Surgeon General cautions practicing Weird and Grotesque Amazon rituals may be hazardous to your health.

Kindred Spirits

Many Cinnamon Swirls lost their lives in the making of Gabrielle's Headdress.

Antony And Cleopatra

No Rubberized Snakes intent on destroying the Queen of Egypt were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Looking Death In The Eye

Death almost died during the production of this motion picture.

Livia

Due to an overabundance of Beans and Bard Burgers, Meg's gastrointestinal problems intensified during the production of this motion picture.

Eve

Joxer's sudden and unexpected death slowed down his rapid aging process during the production of this motion picture.

Motherhood

All the gods were harmed during the production of this motion picture.