You are in a state that is frequently mentioned in country songs.
1) Dere's jus' be one G-d in Heaven.
2) Don't got you no idols.
3) Don't be cuss nobody
4) Brought yo'self to church
5) Lissen to yo mama and papa
6) Don't be kilt nobody
7) Ma Chere, don't be hang around no neighbor's wife
8)Don't you go and took notin'
9)Always told the troot
10)Don't wish for yo neighbor's pirogue and mud boat
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use
it.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay
home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they
live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's"
is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'," as in "big ol' truck"
or
"big ol'
boy." Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with
this
expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last
shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out
of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who
do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license
plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it
is
just something you're supposed to do.
23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one
it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical,
bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and
should,
therefore, be displayed.
24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.
26. In southern churches you will here the hymn "All Glory, Laud and
Honor." You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy," Good
Laud," and
"Laudy, Laudy, Laudy."
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive
on a
model
of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know
the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to
find
it yourself.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
1-- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels.
2-- Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle so never use them.
3-- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4-- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5-- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.)
6-- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
7-- Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
8-- The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make Dallas look progressive.
9-- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10-- Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make Texas look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
11-- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a LBJ driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12-- Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on Central Expressway.
13-- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Democratic frontrunner's campaign for mayor.
14-- Learn to swerve abruptly. Dallas is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to TXDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15-- It is traditional in Dallas to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
16-- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
17-- Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
18-- All unmarked exits lead to Southeast Dallas.
1. You proudly claim that Monkey Hill is the highest point in Louisiana.
2. You drive your car up onto the neutral ground if it rains steadily and heavily for more than two hours.
3. You have floor insurance.
4. Someone asks for an address by compass directions and you say it's Uptown, downtown, backatown, riverside or lakeside.
5. Your idea of a cruise ship is the Canal Street ferry, and your idea of a foreign cruise ship is the Chalmette ferry.
6. Your burial plot is six feet over rather than six feet under.
7. You can pronounce "Chop-a-tool-is" but can't spell it.
8. You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than your house.
9. You get on a bus marked "cemeteries" without a second thought.
10. You have no idea what a turn signal is or how to properly use it.
11. You can cross the lanes of heavy traffic and U-turn through a neutral ground while avoiding two joggers and a streetcar, then fit into the oncoming traffic flow while never touching the brake.
12. You can consistently be the second or their person to run a red stop light.
13. You know how long you have to run to a store, get what you need and get back to your car before you get a parking ticket.
14. You got rear-ended 10 times by people with no insurance.
15. You take a "right-hand turn" instead of a right turn.
16. You judge a restaurant by its bread.
17. The white stuff on your face is powdered sugar.
18. You know better than to drink hurricanes or eat Lucky Dogs.
19. You visit another city and they claim to have Cajun food, but you know better.
20. You have the opening date of any sno-ball stand in your Daytimer.
21. You know that a po-boy is not a guy who has no money, but a great tasting French bread sandwitch.
22. The major topics of conversation when you go out to eat are restaurant meals that you have had in the past and restaurant meals that you plan to have in the future.
23. You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.
24. You consider having a good meal as your birthright.
25. The four seasons of your year are crawfish, shrimp, crab and easter.
26. our stomach can handle a dozen Manuel's tamales at 3 a.m. after having a few at Markey or Saturn Bar.
27. The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy dressed is healthier than a Caesar salad.
28. You know the definition of "dressed."
29. You put Tabasco sauce on your Hershey bar.
30. You can eat Popeyes original chicken, Haydel's Kingcake and Zapp's while waiting for Zulu. Then you go to Jackson Ssquare for a Central Grocery Muffaletta with a Barq's while sucking hot crawdads and cold Acme oyster, hurricanes and several Abitas. Then you can ride the St. Charles Avenue streetcar home past Camellia Grill for a Chilli/Cheese omelette...without losing it all on your front stoop.
31. You have gained 10 or 15 pounds permanently, but you don't care anymore.
32. You don't really teach people the right way to eat crawfish, so there's more for you.
33. Your idea of cutting back on calories is to suck the heads and not eat the tails.
34. The smell of a crawfish boil turns you on more than Chanel No. 5.
35. You enjoy sucking heads more than sucking face.
36. Your idea of foreplay is pinching dem tails and sucking heads and chasing it down with a cold Abita beer.
37. When you speak with a tourist, he asks, "Are you from Brooklyn?"
38. You 'make' groceries at Schwegmann's to get da Zatarains for da crawfish.
39. You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax" you.
40. You go by ya mom-n-ems on Good Friday to eat crawfish, drink beers and play touch football on the neutral ground.
41. You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
42. You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras throws.
43. You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.
44. On Christmas Eve, your daughter looks up in the sky, sees Santa Clause, lifts up her shirt, and yells, "Throw me somethin mister."
45. Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.
46. You can remove a cap from a Tabasco bottle with one hand.
47. You drink Dixie, whistle Dixie, and name your dog Dixie.
48. You describe a color as K&B purple
49. You worry about deceased family members returning in spring floods.
50.You're out of town and ask someone where there's a drive-thru daiquiri place.
