I found these somewhere,can't remember where.... so if I'm breaking any copyright (and you can prove it), EEEMEEEE!!!! and I'll gladly post a credit or link to your page or remove it...OK? And that goes for all the jokes on this page....hey, they're not MY jokes, are they? OK? Good...
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- Your contribution will only be posted if it's not illegal (?)
- If you want to remain anonymous tell me so
- If I don't find it funny, it might not get posted (Editors decision final 'n' all that...)
Joke 1 gets 8 bones out of a possible 10
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. (hang on a sec, I've already read/heard this- take me to the next joke)
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank".
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".
"But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron.I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I 'll puke."
"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..
"You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ..." he said, and then he paused and looking deep into the woman's melting eyes......he peevishly asked......
(wait for it......)
........(it's worth the wait)....
....(topical, this one)
.......(nearly there)
...(where were we?....oh yeah)..
... he peevishly asked.........
Joke 2 only gets 6 bones out of ten ( ...bit predictable)
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
(hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke)
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."
The candidate leaves.
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower".
*Ting-a-ling*
Contributed by Anthony J Irvin Sr
Joke 3 gets 7 bones out of ten (..'cos it's not so predictable)
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke)
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said............
"Paint my house."
Contributed by HumorMeK
Joke/ Tuney thing 4 gets 7 bones out of ten (..'cos it's topical...can anyone add an impeachment verse?)
The Bill Clinton version of:
"My Favorite Things" (From "The Sound of Music")
unrated
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie." (hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke)
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "THWACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' .
Contributed by Beth from Trinidad
Joke 6 gets 6 bones...(dropped a point for being naughty)
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.'
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, 'I can't come in today. I'm sick.' (hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke)
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, 'He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him.'
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, 'You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?'
The guy says, 'No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, we're doin' it.'
The boss says, 'You f**k your sister?'
The guy says "Hey, I told you I was sick.'
Contributed by MJD
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -Steven Wright
Joke 7 gets 9..(I liked it anyway)
A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams, blow jobs...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He launches into lesbianism, anal sex, and bondage. (hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke)
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks:
"So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
--- A. Nonny-Muss ---
Joke 8 gets 6 ( it drops 2 points because right near the end it suddenly becomes predictable...or does it? I did laugh though....)
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner:
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.
When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. (hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke) They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
Home O'Foebick
Joke 9 gets 7 doggy treats (This one fickled my tancy)
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together on the second tee when they hear a phone ring. The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "OK buy 1000 Microsoft shares." the Canadian tells the other person on the phone, then hangs up. He then says to the others, "I'm such an important person that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere." (hang on a sec, I've already read /heard this- take me to the next joke)
On the third tee, they hear another phone. All of a sudden the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his ear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are impressed and move on.
When they get to the green, they hear another phone ring. The German guy stands up tall and says, "OK sell the company now." He loosens up and tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal." Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
As the next tee they hear another phone ring. All of a sudden the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes. The Japanese guy is in the bushes with his pants around his legs and squatting as if to take a dump.
"Oh, we're sorry," the American executive exclaims, "We'll leave you alone."
"That's OK," the Japanese executive says, "I'm just waiting for a fax."
PRODUCT WARNING
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The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
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This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.
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Because of Heisenbergs' patented "uncertainty principle", it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where the product is and how fast it is moving.
Caution:
There is an extremely small but non-zero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling",this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbours' domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.
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Joke(?) 11 a humorous recipe for video adventure gamers ( I got bored meself) so take me to Joke 12 then
The MacGyver Cookbook
Well, folks, here it is. I didn't have time to cook this stuff myselffor you the way Paul Newman does, so I just wrote up thiscookbook to give you all the recipes, tried and true just like I make
'em in my own kitchen at home.
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES:
Frequent flier coupons
One medium paperclip
(not plastic coated)
One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate-chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind of food, so the first thing you'll want to do tomake them is to go somewhere where you can kick back and relax.
Ecuador is good, so use your frequent-flier coupons to pick up a round-trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to try to find her father--a biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there to find the lost
pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day, were pretty darn all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal, discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that looks surprisingly like a
digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveller with comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want to be sure to save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--the woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the airport and try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason, so you'll go inside to inquire about where transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against you and when you look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be careful of the poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the way, though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a half-pound of chocolate chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then hand you the bag, saying, "On the house."
At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse before a swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub. Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the woman who sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache disconnects the safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take care of a little business. While she's talking with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair sized paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda and a large bottle of calamine lotion; take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more closely at it just as your companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off the road, and exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a few days, evade the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two-and-a-half cups of flour, being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the idol's right hand and there will be a low grinding sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some sort of highly powerful laser cutting device--except that it shows signs of being dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the paperclip, using it to reconnect the high-voltage trigger to the laser firing mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high-powered laser to cut through the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in particular--with high-energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the Equadorian jungle for nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all" the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and run to the outer room where the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments before the entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions will have a few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched onto it the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe I've ever tried--I've made it dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet.
Joke 12 not really a joke but amusing views on cultaral differences between (in alphabetical order) Americans, Aussies, Brits and Canadians...oh gets 6 doggy treats
Subject: This explains it all! From: s.meric@ix.netcom.com (Polar) Newsgroups: alt.usage.english
Cultural Differences Explained
==============================
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Joke 13 short and sharp - gets 7 (I changed this is one for the girls, sorry Brenda, 'hope you don't mind)
This beautiful, blued-eyed blonde bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery !"
He says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"
She replies, "I don't care....Just get the F**K out !!!!"
Contributed by Brenda yy
Joke 14 gets 7 Boneys because of the final "twist"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely shaken. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Contributed by SatinDiva1
And finally,.....not a joke but read on....
How to impress a woman:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...
How to impress a man:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Contributed by Jean Brierre
Last Updated 21/10/98
