If you want your company to go home,
So that you can be alone,
Don't beat them till they bleed,
Just drag out some poetry to read.

And after reading two or three,
Alone you'll certainly be.
So to get that company steppin',
Use poetry as a weapon.

When we describe happiness
Or our emotional pain,
Why do we credit the heart
When these come from the brain?

When we are rejected,
That emotional thud
Comes from the brain,
The heart just pumps blood.

And when we succeed
In life's hustle and bustle,
It's the brain that feels joy,
The heart is just a muscle.

To credit the heart,
And slight the brain,
Is just not right;
It seems such a shame.

But it would be difficult
To right this great wrong
Because we'd have to change the words
To so many songs.

And if this were done,
They wouldn't sound the same.
Can you imagine
An "Achy Breaky Brain?"

Even Toni Braxton
Would sound a little lame,
If she had proclaimed,
"Unbreak My Brain."

And can you imagine
A bigger fiasco
Than "I Left My Brain
In San Francisco?"

So although it is improper
And scientifically wrong,
We must keep it like it is
For the sake of all these songs.



My dogs talk in their sleep;
They tell very wild stories
About chasing rabbits and squirrels,
And acts of heroism and glory.

Even though these stories are not true,
I son't scold them, this is why:
My philosophy has always been
To let sleeping dogs lie.

I drove home from work
In a cold, winter storm.
My cat crawled under the hood
To keep dry and warm.

I got back into my car
To drive to the store.
I do not have
That cat any more.

Each Sunday of my youth,
In church I would be,
Seated on the pew
With my family.

But I was easily bored
By the preacher's sermon,
So I engaged my fantasy
To keep from squirmin'.

My favorite daydream,
And I had quite a few,
Was to mentally undress
The woman in the next pew.

She was older than me,
So sexy and fine,
And she would never know
What we did in my mind.

I guess this was wrong,
But I was so bored,
And far to horney
To worship the lord.


Armegeddon is coming
Give the devil his due.
And watch it all
On pay-per-view!



After class one day,
I heard a student say
That I was a mother fucker!
I told him, “No way!”

But at a PTA meeting,
I changed my mind.
I met the kid’s mother,
And she was really fine.

That taught me a lesson.
Now, when called this obscenity,
I ask to see a picture
Before I disagree.


I met a mime
Who bothered me so,
That I decided
He had to go.

So I looked for a hit man
To eliminate the mime.
But none would do it;
It was too heinous a crime.
Why does killing a mime
Cause hit men such distaste?
It is because a mime
Is a terrible thing to waste.

When I want some advise
To set myself straight,
I find that bumper stickers
Are really great.

Once I thought it might be fun
To get really drunk and drive.
But thanks to a bumper sticker
I'm still alive.

I was mad about our country;
Some motorist was going to pay!
But just in time I read
That they voted the other way.

I was on the horns of a dilemma;
Would it be a hug or a drug for my kid?
But a bumper sticker set me straight;
It sure as hell did!

Should I support our troops,
Or those of the enemy?
Bumper stickers helped to make
That tough decision for me.

I felt like messing with a state.
I thought that Texas would be great.
But bumper stickers gave me a clue
That this was not the thing to do.

And there is no better way
To boast or educate
Than to say it with bumper stickers
Next to your license plate.

Which parents have smart kids?
Which ones have fools?
Bumper stickers tell us
If they have honor students in school.

How did they get that fine RV
To travel low and high?
It was their children's inheritance
They used to make that buy.

And when I am in traffic,
Nothing benefits me more
Than knowing what the motorist ahead
Is dedicated to brake for.

Do they love Jesus?
Have they been again born?
I know this by whether
They are honking their horn.

And it always makes me feel
Just as dumb as a post
When I read that I'm following
"Too damn close."

I always stop;
I don't laugh any more,
When I read
"At least it's paid for."

And I know it's the truth;
I have to agree,
They maybe slow,
But they're ahead of me.

Which candidate to vote for?
Which amusement park to see?
These are among the ways
These stickers influence me.

And, they can be useful
When you put them in place
AFTER the election
In the sheriff's race.

"Support Your State Troopers,"
On your bumper you stick it,
And hope it will help you
Get out of a ticket.

"Semper Fi,"
It must be a Marine.
"Feces Occur,"
We know what that means!

So who needs books?
Who needs the internet?
Educationally speaking,
Bumper stickers are best.

So when my son asked to go to college,
Saying an education he was needin',
I said, "Get your ass out on the road
And start doing some readin'!"


I do not belong;
I cannot win.
I am an outsider
Looking in.

My thoughts, my skills,
My wit, my deeds
Are, sadly, things
That nobody needs.

This world was not made
For someone like me.
There is no lock
For which I am the key.

And when I should cease
Sucking Earth's air,
There is no reason
That anyone should care--

Except for the plants--
They'll be sad that I died,
For they will miss
My carbon dioxide.

If you want your company to go home,
So that you can be alone,
Don't beat them til they bleed;
Just drag out some poetry to read.