Screwing Around With Archimedes
Whatsup, Archimedes?
Yep, overhead they pass;
A bird, a plane,
And price of gas.
"If walls could talk,"
Imagine the clamor;
Drop those nails!
Drop that hammer!"
Basically, things went horribly wrong;
But I owe my survival
To Saint Butch, the patron saint
Of the designated drunk drivers.
Exactly! Absolutely!
Basically, I am sure;
The more expensive the placebo,
The quicker the cure.
Exactly! Absolutely!
The world will go to the dogs,
Be not mistaken,
When all the dogs they put to sleep
Finally awaken.
Absolutely! Exactly!
Whatsup? Dogs!
When life is a drag and you're just getting by,
You can brighten it up if you lie.
Tell them you do when you don't.
Tell them you will when you won't.
Tell them you did when you didn't.
Tell them it is when it isn't.
Tell them you can when you can't.
Tell them you are when you ain't.
Tell them anything but what's real;
It will improve the way that you feel.
I bought a metal detector;
Was worth every buck.
I found two mobile homes
And a pickup truck.
The honest man
Is often wrought
With the fear
Of getting caught.
For even the most
Honest of men
Are dishonest
Now and then.
Have you ever considered
The reasons why
We shun the truth
And tell a lie?
Number one on the list,
This will burst no bubble,
We lie to keep
Ourselves out of trouble.
We lie out of necessity;
We lie out of greed.
We lie to get
What we want and need.
We lie to be kind,
When we use tact
To protect another
From an unpleasant fact.
We lie to aggress;
We do it as tricks.
Lies can really get others
Into a fix.
But the saddest of lies
Would have to be
Those that we tell
From of inferiority.
For these reflect the pain
That we're not up to snuff;
And that what we are
Is just not good enough.
So that the traits
Of which we boast,
We do not have
But want the most.
And the traits for which
Words are forbidden,
These we have
But wish we didn't.
Settle down, children!
Enough is enough!
If you don't behave,
I'll teach you wrong stuff.
Today we will learn
The parts of a cell.
There will be a test,
So learn them well.
The cell wall is more dense
Than is the cell fence.
And the nucleus is the home
Of the cell phone.
Used to call the liver
For it to deliver
A six pack of glucose
and a mint for my pillow.
Archimedes was the dude
Who invented the screw,
He carried em around in his pocket;
And to each pretty woman he knew,
He'd say, "Hey baby; wanta screw?"
Then he met a chick named Phillips;
She took him to bed.
And outa this came
The Phillips Head.
And in public restrooms,
Written in every stall:
"For a good screw,
Give Archimedes a call!
555-789-10."
Hey Dawg,
Did I ever tell you how Ben Franklin
Discovered electricity?
One night he be trippin'--
Puffing on a blunt,
When he realized he was outa cigarettes.
"Big deal," he said. Belting out a hack.
"I'll go to the store
And buy a new pack."
As he picked up his keys
And headed toward the door,
He tripped on an empty 40 oz.
And fell to the floor.
It was then he knew that he shoulda
Put the keys in his pocket,
Cause one of them got stuck
In the electric socket.
Guess u could call it serendipity.
But that's how Ben
Discovered electricity.
"The kite? " you ask;
Well, we're running out of time,
But that was flubber,
And Albert Einstein.
I'm tired of all this sexist crap!
Wouldn't it be a nice switch,
Just once to hear someone called
A daughter of a bitch?
And why do mothers get all the fucking?
That is not fair!
Fathers, too,
Deserve their share!
Hit men are people
Who kill for their pay.
But the people they kill
Were gonna die anyway.
I've come to a conclusion
Which I really believe;
If I work too hard,
It will cause fatigue.
I have discovered
It is almost certain that
If I eat too much,
I will get fat.
And I have found
There is reason to think
That I will get drunk
If I have too much to drink.
And I'm glad to know
That these are so,
But I wish I had known
Long ago.
For if I had known
That these consequences stunk,
I'd have spent less time
Being tired, fat and drunk.
I'll have to pass;
No pot pie for me.
Those damned things are loaded
With THC.
And my doctor told me
That drugs make me high.
And that I should cease and desist
Or when asked "Whatsup?"
I'd have to add myself to the list.
But that's why we use them;
They make us high.
And give us emotional feelings
That normal living can't supply.
And once we know this fervor,
Normal feelings lack the glow
To match the euphoria
That these drugs bestow.
But it's the same with TV and movies,
With their exaggerated images of glory,
We experience their magnificence,
And think our own life boring.
Entertainment, we call it,
Amusement and escape.
But it gives us grand ideals
That we can never duplicate.
The Rule of Halves:
The good--the bad,
We total and divide;
Based on this we decide
If something is good
Or if it is bad.
Will it make us happy?
Or will it make us sad?
So that some bad things
That would cause some to suffer,
Would be happy things
If they happened to another.
And happy things
That we find fun,
Would bring sadness
To some other one.
So when bad things happen,
And bring on a frown,
Remember, they bring
That average down.
But when fortune smiles
And brings us good luck,
The bad part is
It brings that average up.
This guarantees
That we can't win them all.
In fact, it creates a path
Where everyone will win
Approximately half.
I've been happy
And I've been sad.
Both these feelings
I have had.
Sad is bad.
Sad is crappy.
But necessary
To appreciate happy.
But I wish
I'd been so blessed
As to appreciate
Happiness a little bit less.
Half of all people
Have a less efficient brain.
Exterminate that half
And the fraction still remains.
Kill off half again
And half will still be dumber.
No matter what you do
One-half is still the number.
And if you're really smart,
Don't go feeling smuggly;
Because the same thing is true
For ugly!
I went to Hallmark
Looking really hard;
Trying to find
A Garbage Day card.
Or a nice present.
Maybe a talking bass!
How about
A nice rat's ass?
Have you noticed that people seldom give
A rat's ass now-a-days.
I guess it was just
A fad--a craze;
But I remember when I was a kid,
Just before Christmas mass,
Hoping that Santa would bring me
A big ole rat's ass.
I prayed and prayed for one.
I used psychology.
I'd pray for others;
Then I'd pray for me.
Doing that, I could fool God
Into thinking I wasn't a selfish jerk.
But only occasionally
Did that strategy work.
"Dear God in heaven,
Bless the poor and hungry."
Bless the rich and fat.
And how about a new glass eye
For my dear ole uncle pat.
And for me, God,
I don't need much
I'm not the greedy kind;
But a spiffy new rat's ass
Would really be fine!
In my house
The cobwebs roam.
I would not put a cob
Out of a home.
With money and blood pressure
Things can get a little rough
When we have an overabundance
Or not enough.
Of all the things we ferry,
An empty wallet is hardest to carry.
For despite the weight we pull,
It feels so much lighter when it is full.
It was a weekend,
And there was no one to teach,
So I broke out my sign
And took to the streets--
Where I wander aimlessly
Like a beggar dude,
With my sign that read:
"Will Teach For Food."
But when my legs grew tired,
I went back to my home
And listen to
My stomach groan.
Then I went to a restaurant
And told em I drove a bus.
No free food; just a big fuss.
And they threw me out
Like week old fajattis;
And I walked home
Feeding the mosquitoes.
With a fly in my face.
I said, "My, my, my!
Get outa my face, fly!"
Casinos love people
With jobs that suck;
For these are the people
Who will turn to luck--
And gamble in hopes
That they might win.
Never to return
To those jobs again.
And they pray to God in heaven,
Creator of all seen,
To Let them hit it big
On a slot machine.
They beg of Jesus,
God's only son
To make their cards
Total twenty and one.
They appeal to the saints
Who dwell in heaven
To make their dice roll
Seven and eleven.
But when they realize
The answers are No's,
They pray to keep
From losing their clothes.
For leaving a casino
Naked as a nudist
Is reason to convert
And become a Buddhist.
I was feeling half dead
And wondered if I could receive
Half my life insurance
To take care of some needs.
But my insurance man,
Who said he was my friend,
Said call him back
When the other half sets in.
Down at the mall
The sales are really nice.
Buy one, and get another
For the very same price.
There was a smile on my face;
I was feeling just fine.
"Lays, two for a dollar"
Was on the store sign.
Damned ole bait and switch!
Made me feel jipped!
They led me to think sex
But it was only chips.
I promise to love you
For better or worse,
Whichever it is
That happens to come first.
When the heart of another
You are wanting to win,
It is not the thought,
But how much you spend.
I'm sorry, my love,
But I must confess;
After orgasm,
I love you less.
He committed a lot of crime;
He was convicted twice.
But everyone said
His mother was nice.
It was this revelation
Which led me to discover
You can't judge a crook
By looking at his mother.
When I ponder the changes I'd make
If I could live my life anew,
The answer is always the same;
There would be quite a few.
But the changes I would make
Probably would not pay.
They would just allow me to
Screw up in a different way.
