PROZAC KILLED THE POET



Michel Breznikoff offered me a job
Doing ballet parking.
But I am a gothic finger painter,
And a personal pottie trainer--
Captain of a cordless drill team--
An afterlife insurance salesman.
I'm humble; and damn proud of it!

Would you like a psychic breast reading?
Ah, I see that you dislike evil!
And I see that you have nice breasts!
Care to stick a pin into my Cabbage-Patch Voo Doo doll?
Swapping guns for grades
Will get guns off the streets,
But only at the end
Of each Nine weeks.
I gave Viagra to my turtle
Under the assumption
That he might be suffering
From a reptile dysfunction!
You wanta be a teacher?
Then throw that chain letter away!
Do you aspire to own 
A haunted mobile home
In a distinctive, gated, 
Mobile home community?

I went looking for oil;
I wanted to get rich quick.
But all I discovered
Was the dip stick.
Stove-Top instead of potatoes.
Apples and oranges are fruits.
Beer bottle battered shrimp--
They make butter the old fashioned way;
They churn it!

It says in the Bible,
At least once or twice,
There will be no farting
In the afterlife.
Calvin sans Hobbes?
I don't know what he's got;
But that once sweet little boy
Surely does pee a lot!
And I heard he stole some cigarettes.
They caught him with pack in hand.
They charged with theft;
Not petty, but grand.
But I hear that if and when
He finally makes parole,
He'll do a National Pornographic Special
Television show.

I wanted to be cool;
I wanted to be hip.
I decided to have my hemorrhoids pierced!
I played piano by ear
Until my ears started bleeding.
I went to Walmart.
Late last night,
And was hit on the head
By a falling price.
Life lost it's meaning;
It was boredom I was facing.
So I took up a hobby--
Rental car racing.
And I was never afraid
Because of my personal relationship with God.

*****

His parents musta been
Sick sick, sick!
They named him Penis
But they called him Dick.
He had to be a man of god;
Other prospects looked rather slim;
God was the only person 
Who didn't laugh at him.

He started a combination
Church and grocery store,
Where you could pray and buy dinner.
He called it Sav-A-Sinner.
Every Sunday morning he told us that
We were loved by the man upstairs.
And that when we died we'd do commercials
Like John Wayne and Fred Astair.
We wore strips of plastic bubble wrap
And we popped them as we prayed.
And in a show of faith
We handle rubber snakes.
Yell: "Praise the lord!"
And, "Pass the plate!" 

Reverend Dick shouted,
"I see a revelation
In this pop up video!"
I said, "No Dick, I can't be born again;
I'm gonna have to pass!
My mom said that she
Would kick my ass!
And don't even tell me,
My reverend, my friend,
That your starting up the Jehovah's Witness
Protection Program again!"
"No," he said; "It's something else;
Something far more thrillin'."
He said he heard the voice of god
And it sounded like Bob Dylan!



*****

It was a beautiful morning;
Perfect for a walk at the lakefront.
The lake was so clear.
I could almost read the labels
On the bottles of beer.

Uh oh! Here comes someone.
I could avoid them by walking next to the seawall.
Or I could smile and say, "Good morning."
The world would be so much better 
If I didn't have to share it with all these people.

"Good morning!
Do you Yahoo?"
"I might, if you do."
"You can be anything you wanta be in a chat room."
"My name is Bambi and I would like to be your deer friend."
"I won the Nobel Prize for Conjugation;
I was the first person to conjugate the verb, to fuckin' fuck:

I be fuckin' fucking, 
you be fuckin' fucking, 
he, she or it be fuckin' fucking."

"I have Windows 98!"
"Oh yeah?  I have Windows 99!"
"I own a 357!  Wow!  What a gun!"
"Well, I just bought a 358!"
"And a can of WD-41!"

"You have really bad posture,
But really nice hooters!
Can I be your posture tutor?
Is that your final answer?
Have I told you yet
About the crop circles
On my Chia Pet?"

Could we go out
For a movie and a beer?
Oh, you're defragging
Your hard drive this year?
Is that your final answer?

*****

I had a near-life experience,
Then an angel said, "HARK!
Turn your ass around
And go back to the dark!

My Book of the Month arrived:
Quantum Mechanics For Dummies!
Catchy little title.
But I think I'll read the Cliff Notes,
Like I did with the Bible.

*****

A plant popped up in my flower pot. 
I nourished it, and it grew.
Its stalk was strong;
Its leaves thick and bright.
It thrived in the rays
Of the summer sunlight.

Proud it stood on that autumn morn
As a visitor came to view
This hardy plant in the morning dew.

"That's a weed! 
He related in a shout.
So I kneeled over 
And pulled it out!

*****

In youth we build beliefs;
We build them so grand.
Our minds construct boulders
From grains of sand.

Then in maturity, 
Wisdom we gain,
By reducing our boulders 
Back into grains.

And we scribble a few lines
In the sands of time,
In celebration and in mourning--
Sign post of joy and of warning.

But enter the chemical grin
Which separates hand from pen!
It courses our veins
Vanquishing our pain.

Goodbye, oh truthful friend.
The cold has turned to warm.
Whole is that which once was torn.
The poet is dead, 
But not buried in the ground;
And silence is the sound
of the call.
For the poet will not
Be missed at all.