For Daemon's birthday we decided to throw him a surprise party, so we all got together at Dumbass' house and surprised him and then we ate pizza. But that's not the point. After we ate all the Pizza, Freak had an idea, 'Let's go to Super Wal-Mart and play Wal Mart Tag!' For those of you who, like me until recently, do not know what Wal-Mart tag is, the idea is simple, you go to Wal-Mart and try to get kicked out(don't do anything illegal just stuff to annoy the manager or security guard). First Daemon and Nighthawk bummed 2 dollars off me to buy some playstation thing(you bastards better pay me back!) and soon the fun began. Godfather and Freak started before us so when we found them Godfather was playing with a cabbage ball from one of those huge bin's and Freak was riding a bike that was a little small for him. Soon a sherrif's deputy came and made us stop, here's where the fun begins. We leave the bikes but stay basically in the toy area, Freak and I start to play with the toy footballs and i try to get into a swordfight with Daemon using the toy swords. At this point we notice that the cop has taken up a position where he can watch us all. We move around some but he's still watching us. Freak and I go to this big wall of freaking furbys and we pretend to fight over a black and white one. Here's where Freak proves his skill at this game, he notices that the cop's attention is elswhere for the monment and suggests that we lose him. so we run around a fwe aisles but eventually we have to cross the middle aisle so we drop do the ground and belly crawl across while Freak is doing the theme from Mission impossible and I'm laughing my ass of because people are staring at us, but the cop never saw it! Then these two clerks who are about our age start lecturing to us. After this we couldn't really find anything else too fun to do so we started fooling around with sunglasses and hats. Daemon noticed that we were all in one place so the cop was bound to find us and started drifting away, wise move, a minute later the cop comes along and says 'ok that's enough from you time to go' and we weren't even doing anything at the time. Freak went to put up his glasses and muttered, 'Have a nice dick day,' to the cop then we stalled to find Daemon and he stalled to find someone else. When the cop escorted us out Freak and I stopped at that big fan thing near the entrance and Freak goes 'ahhh detox' and the cop grabs his shirt and pulls him to the side. So the rest of us are outside talking and someone says something like, 'you'd have to prove you were innocent.' to which i responded, 'Well I think I can prove that that cop's a dick!'. I was talking pretty loud and the cop heard me but I just said 'I'm already outside what's he going to do make me go back in?'. Later when Freak finally got hout we found out that officer dickhead had run about four background checks on him looking for 'outstanding warrants'. The guy's 17 he doesn't have any 'warrants'! The funny part is we're probably going to try the same thing next week.
I got this idea after watching an episode of Conan O'brian. Norm MacDonald was on and he was telling some wierd joke about midgits and hookers(it was pretty funny)and he commented something like, 'Midgits are always funny.' I think that's where i heard that anyway. This comment, wherever I actually heard it got the gears in my twisted mind to spinning. Soon I came up with an idea I now call the midgit catapult. It's not really a catapult though, more like a slingshot. Basically you get a bunch of those giant rubber band slingshots for launching water balloons and set them up in an alley. Then you get a midgit and wait for a victim. Do this oposite a busy sidewalk by the way. Wait for some guy who looks totally oblivious to the world around him, load up the midgit, and wham! The funniest part would probably be the looks on the faces of the people around, looks of 'That could have been me!' and shocked disbelief that a midgit just flew across the street. Of course in reality this is probably a bad idea that would result in serious injury to the midgit and the target and several law suits but since when have I cared about reality?
A while back when I was at a friend's house this girl was there and she decided to entertain everybody thit this poem she wrote (and memorized) by herself. You can't really get the full efect of this poem without her being with you because she has to get about five inches from your face, plus she has this innate scarieness that is just hard to describe. So with out further ado, Drunken Monkey.com shamefully presents, "THE PEDOPHILE POEM!"
HELLO- LITTLE CHILD! I AM A PEDOPHILE. YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS- BUT YOU WILL WHEN YOU START TO SCREAM! I WILL TAKE MY nevermind AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR BEHIND! IT WILL BRING ME SUCH SEXUAL PLEASURE- THOUGH YOUR BUNGHOLE MIGHT STRETCH A MEASURE. YOUR PARENTS SAY I'M NOT OKAY- BUT I ASSURE YOU I JUST WANT TO PLAY. YOUR PARENTS SAY DON'T TALK TO STRANGERS- BUT WE WON'T BE TALKING SO YOU'RE NOT IN DANGER! I SEE YOU STANDING THERE IN YOUR BATMAN UNDERWEAR. YOURLITTLE ASS IS SO TINY- THEN YOU YELLED HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HEINIE! I PROMISE YOU- I WON'T BE A MEANIE IF YOU GET OVER HERE AND SUCK ON MY WEENIE!!!!!!
Scary, isn't it?
My compatriates and I have been ejected from a number of establishments(we've been kicked out of a bunch of places) but the one place that has never kicked us out that we continue to frequent is a pizza place called Sicily's. They make a pretty good pizza which is fairly cheap, of course everything is cheap when you split it eight ways. We have been damned rowdy in this place and in the process, created some of the most high grade insanity known to man. No matter what we do here, shouting obscenities, frequently beating the Bingle(no that's not a euphamism for masturbating so just get it out of your minds right now you damned crack monkeys) and most recently the owner of Michaelsoft asking one of the waitresses about 'feminine needs,' we have never been reprimanded, but rather we have made friends with two of the waitresses, one of whom claims to be the manager. This cheap pizza place has given us better food and service than the more expensive italian restaurant across town, but that's a story for Drunk and Disorderly.
Well this is an interesting one. I recently accompanied two of my friends to see U-571 - this movie kicks copious ammounts of arse - afterwards we went to the local internet cafe because unless you want to go bowling there is nothing else to do in this godforsaken podunk. Once we got there we met some people who are basically friends of friends but are very cool and insane so we hung out with them at the nearby park and Nerbus(that's what he calls himself or his alter-ego whith the infinite capacity for alchahol and cigarettes or something, 'you can't smoke more than Nerbus!' he says, i'm not sure, i don't know him very well. Just a side note, nobody among the Apathy International staff and management drinks or smokes, we're high on life, oh, and we're also insane.) oh yeah, Nerbus, well he started making all of these horrible awful jokes like, 'what's the difference between a jew and a pizza' I won't tell you the answer to that one. Then a pack of drunk rednecks come by and someone says 'It's like a mobile episode of Hee-Haw', and then 'looks like they're having a cousin-f*cking good time' and we realize we just insulted six drunk rednecks so we retreat to the actual cofee shop. Soon other friend of a friend peaple show up, i call them the Legion of Darkness, i have only ever seen them at night they wear all black, have many piercings, and are into some kind of evil, satanic religion thing, serioiusly. So we talk for a while and Nerbus and this girl he was with go out to his car, after ten minutes someone asks 'what are they doing in there?' we all look and we cant see any heads but there is someone's arm slaping the window. One of the legion goes over there and moons them and asks if he can join in, seems nothing was going on after all. After everyone comes back we start talking about the rednecks and Spaz says, 'yeah we were going to sacrifice, The Dancing Bum to the rednecks' and one of the legion with a key ring through his lip says, 'But you can't sacrifice people, you're catholics, that's our job!' to which i reply in my most evil-sounding voice, 'WE'RE EVERYWHERE!!!' and he looks at me like i just grew a second head or something. And thus, I tormented the Legions of Darkness.
Intrigued? I thought you would be. At my high school there is a program calld big brothers/sisters where every senior gets a little freshman and helps him adjust to his new life in hell. My big brother never even talked to me. Perhaps that's why i'm a jaded, cynical daemon, ah well, the world may never know. Now I am a senior and it is my turn to raise a little tamogatchi human, guess how i plan to do it? mwa ha ha ha ha! I almost feel sorry for the little bastard, but that will all change once i break his soul and twist his mind, or vice versa. In the end it will all be for the better because my breaking was slow and painful and i will accellerate the process on this little fool, leading him down the path to my own personal brand of lazy evil. He'll thank me in the end or the pressure of the breaking will snap his mind like a twig and he'll go insane, which will also work out nicely now that i think about it. I will create a new area on this site aptly named tamogatchi human to keep you all updated as to the state of my pet's evolution.
Yeah, well you come up with a better headline. Anyway, I was listening to the Super Mario remix of NIN's "Closer". This is a fairly unusual song as it is so add in sound effects from the original Super Mario Bros. and it becomes positively...um, unusual-er...IT'S A WORD!! Anyway, I was thinking about how I used to do cool things with the game and make all the various jump sound effects coincide with parts of the song and that got me to really thinking about this game and I came to the conclusion that is seems to be a huge drug fantasy, follow the logic if you dare: Mario uses "pipes" to transport himself to a magical world, he presumably eats those "magic mushrooms" to become 10 feet tall and really strong. All the while he fights flying turtles, evil "mushrooms" and killer "weeds" inside the magic "pipes." I for one will never be able to look at this game the same way again. I shudder to think of the symbolism in Pong.
Well, fiends, it's easter and that means... jack squat to a whole lot of people. But here's some Easter related crazy courtesy of our friends at Michaelsoft and some other guy. These are two emails clearly the result of way too much free time. This was the first to be sent from the owner of Michaelsoft:
hi,
you may be wondering what i did for easter. if not i'm going to tell you anyways.
ok well i woke up and expected to see easter eggs all over my room as i was hoping the easter bunny would come by and leave eggs like he always does. well guess what. i woke up and NO eggs!!
not a one. this angered me. i figured he was running late. so i went back to bed for a while. and i wake up...still no eggs!! well i had to figure out what was up. at first i thought that maybe some people were right and the easter bunny wasn't real but then i remembered...i am prety sure i saw him in the mall the other day. so he HAD to be real.
so i went to figure out the real cause of the lack of eggs in my room. i sat here and thought about it for a while...and then it hit me... rabbits don't lay eggs!!! i was amazed, all these years and that never occured to me. but then i had to figure out where the eggs came from...then it hit me, chickens.
it was obvious then, the chicken mafia was holding the eggs ransom for more money. but what would the chickens want that the easter bunny could offer them? well it was obvious...the chickens wanted the Cadburry Bunny. you see the Cadburry Bunny had a monopoly on the easter candies. If you remember from the commercials other animals tried out for the role, but no one could compete with the Cadburry Bunny. The chickens wanted a bigger rold in Easter because they felt they were being cut completely out the loop. They were just being used for their eggs.
The rabbits would not comply though. There were negotiations for weeks but unfortunately no success. Jessie Jackson came in for a while to try to mend the two sides, he said "You have to break the habbit, get rid of The Rabbit" ... and so the next day...the chickens came in the middle of the night with their night vision goggles and kidnaped the easter bunny.
So if some of you didn't get your eggs that is why. I was going to figure a way out to save the bunny, but i decided to see a movie instead.
Strange, yes? Well I have not yet begun to wierd! Here was the reply from my friend who was previously known as Freak, now known as Evil Dead Punk Rock Guru, but only by me and only this one time:
something i think you will want to consider in your conspiracy theory is the ratio of balloon people sightings to the occurence of stupid-child birthings. this should clearly indicate a surprising trend of people not realizing the rate of inflation upon the market for easter eggs and the number of towns forced to be dropped off of the easter bunny's delivery list due to there inability to the raise the annual lump sum needed to make room in the local budget for easter bunny payment. this in turn will lead you to study several legal precedents in which no holiday creature may deliver any sort of holiday festivity to any person or persons who are unable or unwilling to pay the "holiday creature retirement tax" along with the "holiday creature 'because we wanted to tax your ass' tax" this will in turn lead you to the conclusion that eithr the bunny is a capitalist pig eating son of a whore or the chickens have killed the easter bunnies (that's right there is more than one easter bunny out there, they are all very close in appearance but they are all separate beings monopolozing this time of year) this will lead you to wonder why the chickens would do such a terrible thing and this line of questioning will eventually show that the chickens are the strong arm of the 'holiday creature/personality association' (H.C.P.A.) the bunnies have recently decided that they were gonna be the nicest holiday creatures in the association in a desperate attempt to gain more popularity amongst the children of the world which would in turn lead to their eventual total domination of the H.C.P.A. and the bastards in the 'kwanza group' along with the 'christmas group' (who rule the H.C.P.A. together) decided that there was only room for them at the top of the heap, so they used their power to turn the chickens against the bunnies by convincing the chickens that the cadburry bunny was a rabbit/chicken cross breed created by the bunnies because of their jealous desire to rule the easter holiday themselves and get the chickens kicked out of the H.C.P.A. once and for all and the chickens in turn used their chicken mob connections to put a hit on the bunnies. the chickens reportedly snuck up on the easter bunnies while they were preparing to embark upon the delivery stage. the chickens had no trouble from the bunnies as they were dressed up as 'H.C.P.A. chicken police' once the easter bunnies were lined up aginst the north wall of the garage with their hands up and their wepaons confiscated the chickens unleashed a lead fury upon the bunnies the likes of which had nver been seen and will hopefully never be seen again. the easter bunny is no more! their power lust has been their undoing!
Happy Easter and Happy... whatever, who cares... I hope you're all happy now.
More crazyness from our friends and The Michael Moragne Webpage, formerly Dreamscape entertainment, formerly Michaelsoft.
hello everyone,
i feel it is my duty as an american citizen and as a member or planet earth to deliever this message.
IHOP, The International House of Pancakes, may not be what it appears.
First of, IHOP is a lie. It is not an international house...no no no! Look at their menus one day. what do they have? They have German Pancakes, Sweedish Pancakes and i think Belgum or some other similar country. But where are all these pancakes located???? EUROPE!!!!!
That's right....Europe. Try to order Chinese Pancakes. It just won't happen....they'll laugh at you. Try to order Mongolian or Japanese or even Austrailian Pancakes. I'm sur eyou'll get the same responce. so really is it truely international? or is it just really the European House of Pancakes!?
now to my second worry and revelation. Since nearly every chain restaurant looks alike...i'm sure all the rest have them too. But if you are in an IHOP look around....you might just see a geographical map of the world. It contains every country. What does this mean? WORLD DOMINATION!!!!
Yes, these european pancake lovers are trying to take over the world. Sure their pancake syrup may be sweet and tastey but is it truely what it appears? no i think that IHOP is slowly releasing a drug into the mainstream population This secret weapon will immediately turn people into mindless zombies upon activation. The secret code name is "Maple Syrup" ....but be careful it's also hot. and why would it be hot? only if it were next to a nuclear power source....like those located on the Intercontinental Ballistic Missles that the Russians Sold off at the end of the cold war!!! And isn't Russia at least connected to europe if not a part of it.
the plot thickens. and so finally how old is the IHOP? no one really knows. i don't....cause i was too lazy to look it up tonight. but i'm sure it's about 80 years old or so. and who else was that old??? Hitler.
yes. it all makes sense now. think about it. European International World Domination.....from about 80 years ago. this is truely just a ploy from World War 2!!!!!!!
so beware everyone!!!! don't eat at IHOP or one day, you might just be taken over by a defunct governement. don't let it happen to you.
this public service message was brought to you by, Mike