Coping with Infertility
When I learned that I had fertility problems I was devastated. But I have learned several things that have helped me to deal with this problem. Inshallah, by sharing some of the things that have helped me, you to will find something that will work for you in coping with this fact of life
One of the most important things that I have found that works is learning about my condition, as well as my options. This started with reading, alot, visit the library, there are many books on infertility in general as well as one that is more in line with your condition. Search the web, it is a great source of information that will make you better informed to your treatment options, your condition, as well as what to expect.
While it may seem that the last thing you want to do is talk to other people about your problems. It helps to communicate with other women who may be going through the same issues as you are. While the muslim community in general lacks any formal groups, we can take it upon ourselves to find other muslim women that are in the same situation as we are in. We can also find non muslim women who are dealing with fertility issues like we are, while many times the "spiritual" communication is not there networking with non muslim women can lead you to information that you didn't know of. The best doctors, where to get your subscription filled cheaper, some group sessions, books to buy that will be of help and many other positive aspects of such networking, not to mention the opportunity for Dawah.
TALK WITH SPOUSE
While this may appear as being a "given" sometimes it is not easy to open up to your spouse and tell them how you are really feeling. We may have the tendency to keep everything inside, and want to deal with the problem on our own. Perhaps not wanting to burden our spouse. However this can be very harmful for our health and our relationships in the long run. Infertility has many emotional side affects, we go through bouts of depression, feeling of helplessness, blaming ourselves ect ect. Opening up to our partners will help us realize that we are not in it alone, and that he/she maybe feeling the same things that we are. As Allah says we are "garments for each other" this means we are to find protection, comfort, warmth, and security with each other. We must keep this in mind while we do battle with infertility.
DON'T BLAME YOURSELF
While this may appear easier said than done, it is a very important issue. Self blame is not uncommon, and something that most couples facing infertility go through. We must come to terms that this is all Qadr of Allah, and while we may not understanding the reasons behind it all, this is a test, and after hardships comes ease. Although not everyone will be blessed with children, we as Muslims must learn to come to terms with what Allah has decreed for us -vs- what we want for ourselves.
LEARNING TO SAY NO TO BABY RELATED EVENTS
We may feel obligated to go to our friends baby shower, or walk down the baby isle of a store, to goo and ahh over the little newborn clothes. This may not be the best things for us to do at this time. We have to learn that saying no to social events is not always wrong, depending on how you feel. If you notice that you have hard feelings when going to a baby shower than do not go. If you notice going towards a section of a store brings you to tears and bouts of sadness in the baby section, stay clear of that part of the store or ask your spouse to get what you need. It is important to consistently ask for strength from Allah to face these times, we must learn that there are times when we are not strong enough. And in order to protect ourselves during this time, it is ok to avoid such instances.
We are human and there will be days that we want to totally vent all of our feelings. This is not a bad thing, however we should be careful of how we release these frustrations. While some of us may be talkers, easy to get it all out. Some of us tend to be more physical, perhaps a good work out will help, hitting the pillow a few dozen times, or using things such as a darn-it doll. Whatever works for you, do it, as long as it does not hurt others, or is harmful to your own soul.
AND LOTS OF IT!! As believers we must learn to rely on Allah to support us, guide us, and help us through the hard times. Even though it may not be prayer time, make wudu and pray two sunnah rakat glorify Allah through these hard times. Submit yourself to him through these tests and pray that Allah gives you what is best for you for nothing happens but by Allah's will.
Below are some links that I pulled together that may be of some help for many of you. If you have some tips that you find have worked for you and would like to share with other sisters here on the website (anonymously) please EMAIL us and we will in shall add the tips.