RANT # 1
Fear of Commitment
Most of the time I'm such an idiot. I have this lack of trust which keeps me from really putting all of myself into any relationship weather it be friendship or otherwise.... except... with Matt I dont have that. I trust him completely. And that's alot for me. And yet I still send him running in fear and pain and I just can't seem to help it. I'm too scared to get close to someone because I'm still licking the wounds from the last time... I can't get close to anyone and I need to fix it but I can't. I try. I wouldn't of gotten this far if I wasn't trying but lord knows I fail miserably. I lost the only relationship that ever meant anything to me and I'm not about to do it again. I blame Levi for alot of what goes on in my life these days, but I shouldn't. I mean Levi made me who I am today and maybe its his fault I am the way I am, but its my own fault for letting it go on and its my fault for being this way and knowing I am. Some days I hate myself for it and think I don't deserve anything like what I've got. One boy gave me a life, another saved it. And I didn't deserve it but there he was... like an angel that came down to save me... just for me. He has all the faith in the world and all the love anyone could ever hope for and its all for me. I don't want to tear that apart... maybe I need help... or just someone who's willing to beat some sense into me until I can just stand up and scream out how I feel and let myself be happy.
Here's the theme song for this rant....
this is what Matt should sing to me everyday.Soldier of Love
Lay down your arms... and surrender to me.
Oh lay down your arms... and love me peacefully....
Yeah.
Use your arms for squeezing and pleasing...
For I'm the one that loves you so.
Oh there ain't no reason for you to declare war on the one who loves you so.
So forget the other boys because my love is real...
Come off your battlefield.
Lay down your arms... and surrender to me.
Yeah lay down your arms... and love me peacefully.
Yeah.
Use your arms for squeezing and pleasing...
'Cuz that's the way it has to be.
The weapons you're using are hurting me bad...
But someday you're going to retreat.
'Cuz my love baby is the truest you've ever had...
I'm a soldier of love... that's hard to beat.
Lay down your arms ...and surrender to me.
Lay down your arms ...and love me peacefully.
Yeah.
Use your arms to hold me tight...
Baby I don't wanna fight no more.
Use your arms to hold me tight...
Baby I don't wanna fight no more.
Oh baby, lay down your arms.
Please baby lay down your arms.