The title is optional
Mood:
don't ask
I am having one of those nightmares while awake, it's sort of like a day dream that makes you sad. It's not psychosis, andI hope it's not indicative any emotional or pscyhological problems, but I am still thinking about the xgf.
It was her new childhood pic from facebook that got me in this mood, it's such a cute photo. I believe that it should take me at least six months to get over her. Does that mean I have two months left? So by the end of the summer when I have moved to Louisville and cut her out of my life, I should be good again. But I don't want to cut her out of my life, I want to be her friend without expectation or disappointment. That doesn't seem possible lately since she cancelled my bday plans to kings island. It steps on my already broken heart to keep running into it. I want a second chance desperately.
I believe that I deserve a second chance and that it is part of the experience. Obviously, never having a second chance is a more difficult experience and in the end may contribute more to my character. But I would like that in the next relationship on principle that such an onslaught is unhealthy and not gradual. But life is unpredictable and one must accept it. Amazing how I hear the wavering confidence in my own literary voice. It is half reason and half emotion. I guess a perfect balance and harmony of the two would produce the best outcomes, but that's my rational half talking right now. There is something about writing that makes my emotions dissappear and within seconds I am left with nothing heartfelt to write.
I think I'll just speak fact until the emotion comes back--so I can get it all out of me. I didn't really like Jenny till after the sexual experience, and I only liked her more when I couldn't have her. All the shit that went down from spring break and on is not my fault but her own damn cooky self. She's bisexual and does not know what she wants. She worries about her future career as do I and her friends do not like me. She's irresponsible and immature. She has a lot of problems in her life that are out of her control and she thinks she can gain control by nullifying the source of her problems, escaping from them. I could be guilty of the same thing, but with her, I've made the effort to not escape, but you could say that it's only b/c i still care for her.
She smokes and I accepted her. She has bad sleeping habits but I accepted her. She has so many problems but I accept her and love her still. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I flip the off button or take some injection that makes these uncontrollable feelings go away. My mind is clear, my heart however incapacitates me. The reason we make bad decisions in our darkest moments is because it makes the pain go away. But how can one deny themselves reprieve if they cannot know how things will end up? Can you see that I am arguing for all that instant karma. It would normally go against my principles and beliefs, but the risk/benefit ratio explains why.
With instant karma, you do something stupid to avoid doing something more stupid. The ultimate ends would be suicide. But what if you are too rational for suicide, then what? You're just doing it to relieve the pain. Otherwise you just suffer. What have a learned from my relationship? Too much, but the most important things are to never pressure for sex, always carry a condom, do not tolerate smoking, do not take things too fast, be truthful and faithful, and communicate.
Another thing I need to get off my chest is that when i was attracted to cully, I acted disinterested in jenny. When cully was out of the picture, i trasfered my infatuation to jenny. Are girls just objects of affection? that affection is then past around so where it is never the girl that you actually like but the desire to feel loved by someone you accept. So maybe my feelings will go away when I feel wanted again, but I always think that I will screw it up, or that I am too affected to act smooth. I made myself unattractive by shaving head and growing a foo-man-chu moustache. I think that another girl is the last thing I need right now, but it would surely get my mind off jenny. Except, where the hell am I going to become familiar with a potential gf? That's one dilemma that can be stacked on top of my other woes, college, money, housing, lil brother, family, friends, self...do you like how self comes last? I don't. And I do not know whether the conclusions I have come up with are the right ones. But I am out of ideas. I hope typing this blog has helped--you'd think i'd know by now.