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Territorial Pissings
Sunday, 30 July 2006
happy?
Mood:  sad
Tonight, i went to a party at Providence with megan higginbotham, i saw many people i know, loosened up and talked to some nice folks. I also met jenny, who was drunk. She told me that she was looking for a relationship with a girl. She also told me that she liked me sober and liked me drunk, and that i should hate her because she is a bad person. At walmart, andrew called my cell phone to tell me that he saw her makeout with Amir, who i think was getting back at me for calling him fat and a dead-beat dad. I don't know how to feel.

Outwardly, i wish to be mature and show I care. Inwardly, I am somewhere between wanting to cry and wanting to keep myself from crying. Why does she have to be so immature. I love her to death and want the world for her. And the thanks i receive is her wanting me to hate her, it reminds me of cully, how she made fun of me and was mean to get me to dislike her.

Maybe I should just completely let her go after I move. I am not in a deep depression like i was months before, but I am hurt that I could care so much, to give a shit about someone who needs me gone from their life. I love her, I wished she loved me and didn't treat me like shit sometimes.

the world is cruel, i hate life, and i also hate myself and want to die.

Posted by ky3/qqq at 3:57 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 5 July 2006
Fourth of July with Jenny, uneventful but realistic
Mood:  incredulous
Today was a very uneventful day in which I did everything I sought out to do. I rushed through most of it, but got it done. I don't know exactly how I should feel about it. A part of me wants to do the mature thing and accept life for how realistic it is, but the other part feels cheated.


I don't know. Being Jenny's friend is very trying, and I do not understand how I can love someone with so many characteristics I hate. She's beautiful and used to make me feel empowered, I think that's why I'm still addicted to her. I hate how messy she is, how immature she acts, how un-sensible she is, and how I must give her everything she wants in order to stay close to her and try to feel the same exstasy I once felt.

And how can I want to die for someone who now leaves me more empty than ever before? I am so lost, fighting this addiction will be a rough task.


My desire as her friend is to get into a rhythm where I get to call some of the shots. Hell, that might include hugging and profuse cheek-kissing again. I want to feel close, I want to have that emotional connection again. I obviously want things I can never have. As I type this, I feel like I'm falling, and if it were in me to cry, I would. But Viviana still holds my heart, a piece of me I want to have back without a fight. I can't just stop caring, there must be a way out of this cycle. I want to feel content again. I want to feel her one last time.

I'm so emo.

Posted by ky3/qqq at 1:59 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 5 July 2006 2:02 AM EDT
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Wednesday, 21 June 2006
The title is optional
Mood:  don't ask
I am having one of those nightmares while awake, it's sort of like a day dream that makes you sad. It's not psychosis, andI hope it's not indicative any emotional or pscyhological problems, but I am still thinking about the xgf.

It was her new childhood pic from facebook that got me in this mood, it's such a cute photo. I believe that it should take me at least six months to get over her. Does that mean I have two months left? So by the end of the summer when I have moved to Louisville and cut her out of my life, I should be good again. But I don't want to cut her out of my life, I want to be her friend without expectation or disappointment. That doesn't seem possible lately since she cancelled my bday plans to kings island. It steps on my already broken heart to keep running into it. I want a second chance desperately.

I believe that I deserve a second chance and that it is part of the experience. Obviously, never having a second chance is a more difficult experience and in the end may contribute more to my character. But I would like that in the next relationship on principle that such an onslaught is unhealthy and not gradual. But life is unpredictable and one must accept it. Amazing how I hear the wavering confidence in my own literary voice. It is half reason and half emotion. I guess a perfect balance and harmony of the two would produce the best outcomes, but that's my rational half talking right now. There is something about writing that makes my emotions dissappear and within seconds I am left with nothing heartfelt to write.

I think I'll just speak fact until the emotion comes back--so I can get it all out of me. I didn't really like Jenny till after the sexual experience, and I only liked her more when I couldn't have her. All the shit that went down from spring break and on is not my fault but her own damn cooky self. She's bisexual and does not know what she wants. She worries about her future career as do I and her friends do not like me. She's irresponsible and immature. She has a lot of problems in her life that are out of her control and she thinks she can gain control by nullifying the source of her problems, escaping from them. I could be guilty of the same thing, but with her, I've made the effort to not escape, but you could say that it's only b/c i still care for her.

She smokes and I accepted her. She has bad sleeping habits but I accepted her. She has so many problems but I accept her and love her still. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I flip the off button or take some injection that makes these uncontrollable feelings go away. My mind is clear, my heart however incapacitates me. The reason we make bad decisions in our darkest moments is because it makes the pain go away. But how can one deny themselves reprieve if they cannot know how things will end up? Can you see that I am arguing for all that instant karma. It would normally go against my principles and beliefs, but the risk/benefit ratio explains why.

With instant karma, you do something stupid to avoid doing something more stupid. The ultimate ends would be suicide. But what if you are too rational for suicide, then what? You're just doing it to relieve the pain. Otherwise you just suffer. What have a learned from my relationship? Too much, but the most important things are to never pressure for sex, always carry a condom, do not tolerate smoking, do not take things too fast, be truthful and faithful, and communicate.

Another thing I need to get off my chest is that when i was attracted to cully, I acted disinterested in jenny. When cully was out of the picture, i trasfered my infatuation to jenny. Are girls just objects of affection? that affection is then past around so where it is never the girl that you actually like but the desire to feel loved by someone you accept. So maybe my feelings will go away when I feel wanted again, but I always think that I will screw it up, or that I am too affected to act smooth. I made myself unattractive by shaving head and growing a foo-man-chu moustache. I think that another girl is the last thing I need right now, but it would surely get my mind off jenny. Except, where the hell am I going to become familiar with a potential gf? That's one dilemma that can be stacked on top of my other woes, college, money, housing, lil brother, family, friends, self...do you like how self comes last? I don't. And I do not know whether the conclusions I have come up with are the right ones. But I am out of ideas. I hope typing this blog has helped--you'd think i'd know by now.

Posted by ky3/qqq at 5:43 AM EDT
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