The Other Daily Show -- Episodes 9/10
Announcer: It's Friday, May 7, 2004! We're back on the air and we've got double the fun and double the reports tonight. We've got Bush ripping Rumsfeld a new one, John Kerry's new look, a bunch of money on "Millionaire", and two--yes, two--ATGS non-lies. And here's your host, a survivor who won't eat rats, Bo "Ice" Bielefeldt!

Ice: What up! This is "The Other Daily Show" and let's get right into the Household Report.

("Household Report" graphic appears, Trick Daddy's "Take It to Da House" plays in background)

I took yesterday off cuz my flu from last week came back in full force. I still feel like crap tonight, but I actually felt good enough 2 get on the computer.

Summer vacation countdown--53 days. That's all in the Household Report. Y'know what? Let's go ahead and do a bonus ATGS Non-Lie of the Day.

(flourish of trumpets plays)

Announcer (in a booming voice): The ATGS Non-Lie of the Day!

Mike Clifford: This is Michael Clifford.

Announcer (in a booming voice): This has been the ATGS Non-Lie of the Day!

It don't get any more truthful than that. OK, now let's do a quickie version of What Else Is News?

("What Else Is News?" graphic appears, INXS' "New Sensation" plays in background)

The top story is that George W. Bush knew about all that sadistic s[bleep]t goin on in the Iraqi prison Abu Ghraib since late December. Yet, he still reprimanded Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld 4 not responding 2 the actions sooner. Despite the s[bleep]tstorm surrounding Rumsfeld, he won't resign and Bush won't fire him. Hey, suit yourself... just means more dirt 4 us good guys 2 dig up.

Rumsfeld did apologize 4 those actions in front of a Senate committee. Once again, everybody in the Bush administration is apologizing... except 4 Bush.

Bush is definitely paying 4 his actions on key issues, or lack thereof. A new Gallup poll this week now says that if the election were held today, Bush and Kerry would each get 47% of the vote, wit Ralph Nader at 3% and another 3% undecided. This is the first time that Kerry has tied Bush in a poll that included that fudgepacker Nader. Not 2 late 2 drop out, Ralphie.

Speakin of John Kerry, he--

Whoa, hold on. Is it just me, or did Kerry dye his hair today? C'mon, Johnny boy--don't go Grecian on us now!

Anyway, that's what's news. Let's get a two-day helping of Millionaire Madness.

("Millionaire Madness" graphic appears, Barenaked Ladies' "If I Had $1,000,000" plays in background)

On yesterday's syndicated show, the day started wit new contestant Kathleen Daly of NYC. She picked up $32K when she said that Turkey is the country whose capital wuz once called Angora and named 4 its wool. She couldn't get the free guess at $64K. She thought that Al-Jazeera, the Middle Eastern TV network, means "the eye". It actually means "the island".

Erin Hill of Kentuckiana (Louisville, KY/Jeffersonville, IN--I know the area well myself) blew all of her lifelines early, but managed 2 survive the day. She won $4K when her time ran out yesterday. Today, she giggled her way 2 a $32K check when she knew that the A stood 4 "Alibi" in the title of Sue Grafton's first novel, "A Is for ____". She nailed the $64K when she knew that Uranus rotates on an axis of 98 degrees. However, she fell back 2 $32K when she thought that Teddy Roosevelt's funeral wuz interrupted by a cursing pet parrot named Poll. Actually, it wuz Andrew Jackson whose funeral wuz interrupted by his cursing parrot.

Bobby Dexter of Alpharetta, GA, won $16K before time ran out today. He'll be back Monday wit his 50:50 and a look at the all-important $32K question.

Now let's go 2 the primetime shows. Last night's episode came from November 26, 2000. This episode is known around the game show tape-trading circuit as the infamous "Dubya Episode". It's called that cuz this episode got interrupted on the East Coast by the ABC News Special Report of the live final tally of the Florida recounts from that John Cleese lookalike known as former Secretary of State Katherine Harris. Much of this episode is new 2 a lot of East Coasters, including me.

Despite the early use of the audience lifeline on the previous show, Justin Ray Castillo managed 2 secure the $32K when he pinpointed Abraham Lincoln as the president who said "government of the people, by the people, and for the people". He quickly doubled the money when he knew that Sirius is the star that appears in the summer sky during the "dog days of summer". He leveled up 2 $125K when he knew that the popular toy that has five metal balls suspended by thin cords is called a Newton's cradle. He doubled his money yet again thanks 2 the 50:50 when he picked Angel Island over Yerba Buena as the San Francisco Bay island once known as the Ellis Island of the West. Then came the $500K question: The killer in the 1978 movie "Halloween" wears a mask with what character's face painted on it? Justin took a shot on Captain Kirk... and won! After a lot of deliberation, he walked away from his million-dollar question: What plant is named after the first U.S. ambassador to Mexico, who brought it to the U.S.? He thought camellia, then got attracted 2 juniper, then quit. Correct answer: poinsettia (named after Joel Poinset).

Joe Erwin of Stamford, CT, won $16K and kept all of his lifelines intact before time expired last night. Tonight (11/28/2000), Joe made the $32K plateau thanks 2 his PAF. He knew that soul wuz the type of music played by the band in the 1991 movie "The Commitments". He needed his last two lifelines at $64K, but won it. When asked who wuz the only U.S. president 2 address the Russian Duma, the audience gave 34% on Clinton, 32% on Nixon, 20% on Carter, and 14% on H.W. Bush. The 50:50 left Clinton and Carter, convincing Joe 2 pick Clinton. He walked away from $125K when he didn't know that the tang is the unseen part of a knife blade that secures the blade 2 the handle.

Patrick Downes of NYC also made the $32K plateau by naming Veterans Day as the holiday known as Armistice Day before 1954. He took two of his three lifelines at $64K, but gave a wrong answer. Question: Who was the first African-American baseball player to play in the American League? The audience picked Satchel Paige over Larry Doby by a vote of 55-23. Those were the two answer left by 50:50. Patrick went wit the audience, but they were wrong.

Tom Bolton of Raleigh became the sixth-straight Hot Seater 2 secure $32K. He knew that the English Channel connects the Atlantic Ocean and the North Sea. He immediately knew that movement is the defining characteristic in kinetic art at $64K. He also knew at $125K that zoologist Karl von Frisch found that worker honeybees direct other bees 2 a food source by dancing. He used his last lifeline, 50:50, and pocketed $250K when he picked Nighthorse over Hawkeye as the name that the hero of James Fenimore Cooper's Leatherstocking Tales is not known by. (If you've read "Last of the Mohicans", you'd know that Natty Bumppo wuz known by Hawkeye, Deerslayer, and Pathfinder.) And that's time! Tom will come back Monday night 4 a look at his $500K question.

That's the WWTBAM report. Before we pack it up 4 the night, here's another ATGS Non-Lie of the Day.

(flourish of trumpets plays)

Announcer (in a booming voice): The ATGS Non-Lie of the Day!

KellyClarksonSucks: CALL COLLECT REPEATEDLY FROM A PAY PHONE!

Announcer (in a booming voice): This has been the ATGS Non-Lie of the Day!

I'll do that. Hey, on tomorrow's show, we've got Part II of our Let's-Show-Everybody-How-Stupid-VH1-Is edition of Deep Thoughts. We've got the remarks on the Top 25 of that list. Until then, peace!