Journey
of Hope 
Last year I was
called unexpectedly to go on a journey. The timing was awful! I
wasn't prepared at all; at least I didn't think so at the time. I
didn't want to go, especially at a time when everything was going
so good. But I had no choice. The journey was to a place called
"Cancerland". It was a one way ticket, no going back,
and our lives would never be the same again. I remember waking up
from surgery for my breast biopsy and hearing a nurse at the foot
of my bed say "cancer." I just heard it through a fog.
I know she thought I was still asleep and didn't hear her, but I
did. Loud and clear. Fear hit in the pit of my stomach. Over and
over in my mind, I kept hearing cancer, cancer, cancer. The next
few days were a blur. I know I was in shock. I could not
concentrate. I could not eat. I could not sleep. The doctor
confirmed what I heard the nurse say and the next thing I knew I
was scheduled for more surgery. I would have a lumpectomy this
time. Unfortunately, surgery revealed that the cancer had spread
to six of my lymph nodes. This meant chemotherapy and radiation.
I remember our first visit to the oncologist. As we sat in the
waiting room I looked around at the other patients waiting and I
saw people that were thin and sick looking, I saw women in
turbans, I saw a bald teenager, bloated faces and bodies and
thought, "O God, is this what's in store for me? I don't
know if I can handle this." I remember leaning over to Mike
and saying, "Welcome to my world." And he just squeezed
my hand harder. It was scary for him too. But I knew he was there
to do anything he could to help me make it through this.
I celebrated my 45th birthday by having my first chemo treatment.
It was not too bad. I only got sick once. I was tremendously
fatigued, just taking a shower would wear me out, but after a few
days, I felt much better. And so it went. Every three weeks
having a treatment. I had to visit the doctor every week to have
my blood tested to make sure my white blood count did not get too
low.
I only had to postpone chemotherapy once because of this. I was
told that the type of chemotherapy I would have would cause me to
lose my hair. So before I started treatment my aunt and I went to
buy me a wig and some turbans. I wanted to be prepared. Two weeks
after my first chemotherapy I started losing my hair. It fell out
in handfuls. It was so distressing I asked Mike to just go ahead
and shave it off. He did and we both laughed and cried. I never
thought I would be sitting in the bathroom with Mike, an electric
shaver in his hand, actually LETTING him cut my hair! For some
reason, loosing my hair was very difficult to deal with. I
remember the first time I wore my wig was to church one evening
for Talent Night. I was so self-conscious. I just knew everyone
knew I was bald!
But everyone was very complimentary and most people did not even
notice. My kids told me I needed to quit turning my head like a
robot or everyone would think something was wrong with me. But I
was so afraid it was going to come off if I moved my head fast! I
eventually got used to the feel of it and was able to move my
head fluidly. I was also gaining weight. So here I am, bald and
heavy. I hated looking in the bathroom mirror. I would put off
getting my shower every day just because I did not want to face
who looked back at me in the mirror. I teasingly referred to
myself as Uncle Fester from the Addams Family, but that is
exactly what I felt like. It was even worse when I lost my
eyebrows and eyelashes! Oh, what vain creatures we can be! But it
did have its positive side. I could get showered, made-up and
dressed in under thirty minutes! I didn't have to shave my legs
and I saved a lot of money on shampoo and hairspray!
The surgery left my left arm numb in the underarm and upper arm
area. I need to be extremely careful with injuries to that arm
because there are no lymph nodes to fight infection. I am also
susceptible to Lymphdema, which is a condition that causes your
arm to swell disportionately. I am not able to use my left arm to
carry heavy objects. Mike, being the wonderful husband that he
is, took over my household duties of mopping and running the
vacuum. I admit that I have shamelessly taken full advantage of
this disability, in fact, I may even have exaggerated some of the
ill effects in order to get out of OTHER dreaded chores! But my
darling husband continues to do these chores lovingly and without
complaint. Radiation followed chemotherapy. I had 30 treatments.
That meant going to the radiologist every day, except weekends.
Radiation was not painful, just time consuming. The girls who
worked on me every day were wonderful. I spent time in the
waiting area exchanging "war stories" with the other
cancer patients.
I suffered virtually no side effects from my chemotherapy. I
attribute this to prayer. My 
prayers and the prayers of all those
praying for me. You will never know what a grateful heart feels
like until you know that people, even those you don't know
personally, are praying for you everyday! Talk about being lifted
on the wings of love!
Today, I visit the oncologist every three months. They will keep
a close watch on me for at least five years. I take Tamoxifen ( a
new drug to fight cancer) daily as added insurance. And now I
must learn to live a "normal" life again.
This journey is not one I want to travel again. I hope I never
have to, but it has been an experience that I have learned to be
thankful for. For I am not the same person I was one year ago
when I thought I had it all. I am a much better person. I am more
loving, more compassionate, more thankful, more daring, more
repentive, have found more humor in life, and I am much more in
love with my savior, Jesus Christ!
Looking back over the time before my cancer diagnosis, I can see
where God prepared me for what was to come. He led Mike and I to
our church. It was a place we both felt at home and we were
surrounded with people who made us feel so loved. I didn't know
how much I was going to rely on these people to help me through
each week. And I did! Church on Sunday was like going to the
filling station and gassing up your car. Except I was filled up
with love each week. Enough to help me make it to the next Sunday.
God provided. He provided every step of the way. He prepared my
heart by allowing me to be ministered to by my husband, who
months before had finally convinced me that Jesus died on the
cross for me and set me FREE. That I was no longer a prisoner of
my sinfulness. I truly learned and believed that I was washed
clean by the blood of the lamb and would one day be with him in
heaven! What joy and what peace that knowledge has brought me
these past months. My personality is that of a worrier. But God
has provided me with a peace that is so unnatural to my behavior,
I know it comes from Him. I still have moments of fear and
anxiety about my future, but they are quickly vanished; a word of
encouragement from a friend, a phone call, a card, meeting
someone who has words of comfort. I am never allowed to dwell in
fear or self pity for long.
Right after we found out about my cancer, we received a call from
a friend from Mike's Christian Businessmen's Group asking us to
come to their home for prayer for me. That was the most amazing
evening! These wonderful men and their wives prayed for Mike and
I for over an hour and a half, laying before God all our needs.
The presence of the Holy Spirit was with us and I received great
comfort. Another day we had some folks come to the door to invite
us to a neighborhood Bible Study. Mike asked them to pray for me
and we discovered that the woman had just finished treatment for
breast cancer and was doing well. She was able to minister to me
in a way that no one else had at that time. I don't believe her
presence at our door was a coincidence, it was a God-incident. I
also have a group of prayer
partners via the Internet. This is a group of friends and
relatives who pray for my health and any other prayer needs that
I have. They have been faithful prayer warriors and we have
received much support from them.
I am learning to live in the day that I have - not to waste it
worrying about what MAY happen in coming days. I have a sign on
my desk that says "Do not be anxious about
tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself." Matt.6:34. And that is what I am
learning. To trust in God. To know that my future is in His hands.
That no matter WHAT happens, He will take care of my needs. One
of my favorite quotes is from Max Lucado, "A season of
suffering is worth a clear glimpse of God." God has
certainly revealed Himself to me through my journey. This last
year has been the hardest of my life but I have truly grown
through it. Before my cancer, I just gave God bits and pieces of
myself. I have learned that God wants all of me!
Before I would have been afraid to surrender myself entirely to
Him, afraid of what He would want from me. Today I ask Him to
come into my heart everyday. I want Him with me throughout the
whole day. I thirst for Him! The change was not done by me, but
by God. All I had to do was surrender to Him. I was so afraid to
do that! I am constantly amazed where He leads me! His goodness
and mercy are boundless! He loves us so much! It took a situation
that I had no control over to discover His Greatness. I look
forward to each new day, each new discovery, each new challenge,
for today there is greater joy in them all!
Gayle
