March 26th
2006
This is my first Brokeback Mountain FanFiction – I hope you like it. Of course the characters are not mine but were created by the ingenious Annie Proulx, brought to life by the ingenious Ang Lee. My inspiration comes from book and movie (I chose the name from the book for Ennis´ youngest daughter). And from the wonderful people at the davecullen.com-board. We had a discussion there who might have the postcards Ennis sent to Jack, and suddenly the idea was there. The quote “Right person, wrong time” is from the wonderful movie review that can be found in Rochester Democrat and Chronicle. With this story I tried (and managed) to console myself over the end of the book and the movie. Please forgive me any mistakes in grammar and spelling, as English is not my first language.
Rating : PG
13
Disclaimer:
This is purely fiction and if anyone involved would take offence, I would take
this offline immediately. I am not making any money of it.
Author:
Stina
Ennis del
Mar got up in the afternoon. He raised from the crumpled sheets of his bunk
bed, slowly placed his feet on the ground. It took him a while to get out of
bed – every day a little more, he thought. He washed half-heartedly, dressed in
the clothes he had scattered on the ground the night before. Well, at least he
had taken them off. Sometimes he slept in them.
He decided
that his late breakfast would be a glass of whiskey – until with a frown he
noticed that the bottle was nearly empty. He would have to ask Alma jr. again
if she would buy him some, or if she would give him some money. He could
already see her reproachful large eyes when she would get her purse out.
Preferably when her husband Curt did not see it.
He peeked
through the dirty window of his trailer. His home stood now on the small patch
of land that Alma and Curt had bought, where they had built their house. They
had insisted that he moved the trailer here. “Someone has to look after you,
Daddy” she had said. They even had offered him to move into the house, but he
did not want to.
The trailer
was rather tidy because it was Friday. Every Thursday Francine came to visit
him, and he could not keep her from cleaning the trailer every time. Mostly she
sent him out to Alma´s house, tidied up the trailer and then came into the
house, insisting they all sat down for a piece of cake and a cup of coffee. She
was really the family type, Ennis thought. He hoped that, like Alma jr, she
would soon find a man who loved her. She deserved it.
Yesterday
he had bewildered her – she was just about to chase him out of the trailer when
he turned around, mumbling something, locked the door to his wardrobe and put
the key in his pocket. “I don´t go through your stuff, Daddy” she had said,
slightly offended. “Sorry…” he had mumbled and left. Now, alone, he opened the
wardrobe again. His morning ritual. It had been three years now. Three years
since he had put up the shirts on the inside of the wardrobe door. And still
every time he opened the door there was this stinging sensation. A mixture of
joy, seeing Jack´s shirt – instantly replaced by pain and sadness. But the
split of a second, feeling the old emotions again, was worth the pain. What if,
what if…
If only he
could turn back time. Back to the moment when Jack had said “It could be like
this, just like this… Always…” Or the moment when Jack came speeding down the
road after he had gotten Ennis´ message about the divorce from Alma, his
ex-wife who died last year.
He should
have. Should.
Too late.
He sighed,
stretched. He began to feel his age. 42 was still young for most men, but not
for him. Hard work, grief and too much alcohol made him feel like he was at
least ten years older. Sometimes his bones hurt, sometimes his chest felt
strangely tight. His hair was showing now grey strands between the blond.
Wrinkles surrounded his eyes. He hardly noticed, he didn´t have a mirror in the
trailer.
A pick-up
came down the road, stopped in front of the house. Probably a friend of Curt
and Alma. He moved back from the window. Alma and Curt were not at home, they
had taken a few days off, visiting Curt´s family. Sometimes people then knocked
on his door to ask when they would return. He was not keen on that tonight.
He heard
footsteps and then, yes, he had guessed right, there was a knock on his door.
He did not move. Maybe they would go away.
Another
knock.
“Mr. del
Mar?”
He did not
knew the voice and yet it sounded strangely familiar. He wondered if he should
open. Where there any bills he should have paid?
“Mr. Del Mar..?”
Well, all
right. Someone who would not go away. Ennis ran his fingers through his hair,
pressed his lips together. He opened the door.
And all the
blood in his veins suddenly seemed to disappear. His heart stopped beating and
he grabbed the doorframe. He tried to breathe, struggled to inhale. He opened
his mouth, tried to speak, but nothing but a strangled noise came out.
Jack. It
was Jack, standing there, looking at him, slightly worried. The blue eyes, the
black hair, Heaven help, it was Jack…
Tears
sprang from Ennis´ eyes.
“Jack…” he
whispered, finally being able to talk.
But in the
moment the words left his mouth he knew it could not be true. The man in front
of him looked exactly like Jack, but like Jack when he first met him. Over 20
years ago.
Ennis wiped
his eyes.
The young
man cleared his throat. “I am sorry… I… Seems I scared you…”
He reached
out his hand. “My name is Bobby Newsome-Twist. You knew my father and…” He
stepped up the small ladder to the door, grabbed Ennis´ arm. “Are you all
right? Sorry, Sir, you look like you´re about to faint…”
Ennis
closed his eyes, swayed. Slowly the blood rushed through his veins again. His
heart was now beating like a drum. “Bobby? Newsome-Twist… You are… Jack´s son?”
Bobby
nodded. “Can I come inside? Just for a moment, I don´t want to disturb…”
Ennis was
shaking. “Yes… Please…”
He could
not take his eyes from him. Yes, he looked like Jack at first sight. Of course
now he saw differences – he was a bit taller, slimmer. Slightly different nose.
But he had Jack´s ears. He suddenly realised that after all these years he
still knew how Jack´s ears looked like. He still knew how they felt like.
Tasted like. Suddenly he felt a trace of the soft, velvet skin on his lips again…
He shook
off the memory. “Have a seat…” He brushed some old papers and biscuit crumps
from the plastic covered bench.
Bobby sat
down, smiled. “I know… I look a bit like my father, right?”
Ennis swallowed.
“A bit? I´d say… A lot..” He wiped his face again. “Sorry if I´m staring…”
Bobby
nodded slowly. “It´s okay…”
Ennis sat
down, too, folded his hands to keep them from shaking. “What brings you here…”
Bobby took
a deep breath. “Two things. First… I got a package from our family lawyer a few
weeks ago, on my 19th birthday. In it was an envelope…” He opened a
bag that he had held in his hand and that Ennis had not noticed yet. Slowly he
pulled out a brown envelope, opened it. Took out what was in it, placed it
carefully on the desk.
Ennis
looked at the postcards for a long while. Again he had to wipe away tears from
his face. Tentatively he reached out his hand, took one of them.
“I wrote
them…” he whispered.
Bobby
nodded. “I know… Daddy must have packed most of your cards together a few years
ago and made a small package which should be handed over to me on my 19th
birthday, in case he should die. And there was also a letter for me. In it he
told me that he loved me although he did not see me that often. I lived with my
Mom. And that he wanted to tell me – if I ever find someone I truly love, I
should try everything I can to hold on to this love…”
Ennis let
his fingertips run over Jack´s address on the card. 19. They both were 19 when
they met.
“…And that
these postcards… Were written by the one he truly loved.”
Ennis
looked up. He was prepared to see everything in Bobby´s face. Anger. Disgust. Confusion.
But what he
saw was sadness, sympathy and compassion.
“I guess
that was quite a shock for you…” he said slowly.
Bobby shook
his head. “Not really… You know, Mom sometimes made some strange comments when
she talked about Dad, and although she refused to say more, I added one and one
and got two… And I guess I am simply another generation, I am going to College
in California, so maybe I am just a bit more… Don´t know… Open minded…”
Ennis
nodded. “Another generation…” he whispered. “Maybe, if Jack and me were born
20, 30 years later… Right person, wrong time…” And wrong decisions, he thought.
Made by me, me alone.
Bobby
reached again into the bag, carefully took out a small wooden box, size of a
cigar box, with engraved ornaments and a small lock .
“I visited
my Grandma some days ago. Grandma Twist. Wanted to get to know my father better
and thought she could tell me some things. And she could…” He smiled. “Can you
believe it was the first time I saw her in my life? My mother never wanted the
contact between the Twist and the Newsome family, but I thought I am really old
enough to judge for myself…”
He caressed
the box. “She told me, you were at their house after Daddy had died. She always
hoped you would come back again one day.”
Ennis felt
a sting of guilt. Remembered Mrs. Twist´s last words “You come again.” He never
had.
“Grandma
gave me this. My Grandfather died a year ago, and before he was buried in the
family plot, she had Daddy´s grave opened. And she said to me, go and find
Ennis del Mar. Give this to him and tell him, now he can finally fulfil Jack´s
wishes.”
Ennis´ hand
was trembling. He reached over, touched the box. “This is…”
“Yes. His
ashes. For Brokeback Mountain.”
Ennis
closed his eyes. A warm wave of peace washed over him, a feeling he had not
felt in years. Finally. Finally.
He opened
his eyes again when he heard Bobby´s voice again.
“Will you
do it..?” he asked. “Will you go to Brokeback Mountain and scatter his ashes
there?”
Ennis wiped
his face again.
“Yes… Yes,
I will… I have to ask my daughter to…” He cleared his throat. “I… Don´t have a
car or a horse at the moment and…But I´ll arrange it…” He was too embarrassed
to admit he had to borrow money to rent car and horse.
“I have
both.”
“What?”
Bobby took
a deep breath. “I have a car and I can rent the horses. Daddy left me some
money when he died.”
“Horses?”
Bobby
blushed.
“I wanted to
ask you… But it is okay when you say No. Wanted to ask you if I can come with
you.”
Ennis was
silent for a long time.
“I… Don´t
know…” he whispered.
Bobby
touched his shoulder.
“Take your
time. I´ll…Leave you alone now. Will come back tomorrow. I have a room in a
hotel nearby.”
He looked
over to the table.
“Can I…”
Ennis
nodded. “Please… Leave… Leave him here…”
Ennis got
to bed late that night. He had spent hours at the small table, looking at the
postcards, looking at the box.
And he fell
asleep with the box in his arms, pressing it tightly to his chest.
And when he
dreamed that night, the dream was vivid like none before. And it was Jack again
he held in his arms, sitting by the fireplace. It was Jack he held in his arms
when they laid down in the tent.
“Have you
made up your mind?” Bobby looked at Ennis, expectantly and anxious.
Ennis
nodded.
“Yes. Come
with me.”
He left
Alma jr. a note in the mailbox, took his worn out warm jacket from the wardrobe
and they left. They planned to drive with the horses on a trailer as high up as
possible, then ride up to the mountain, scatter the ashes and return on the
same day. Ennis feared that spending a night on the mountain would be too much
for him.
They needed
more time than planned to reach their destination because it had rained the day
before and the path was slippery. But it was a sunny day now. And soon there
were landscapes, paths, rivers that looked familiar to Ennis. The memories came
back, more powerful than he had imagined. Bobby did not say a word, left Ennis
to his thoughts. He noticed how often Ennis wiped his face, brushed away a
tear.
Then they
reached the place. The place where so many years ago they had built their camp.
Where their tent had been. Ennis climbed off the horse, wanted to walk, but his
knees gave in. He knelt on the ground.
And it all
came back. The night when he woke up and had felt Jack´s hand on his hand, and
his hand on Jack´s body. When he was full of fear and anger and confusion. And
full of desire. Their first time, like an explosion. The following night, their
second time. So different. So tender. How Jack had calmed him down, had washed away his fears with his kisses,
his words. “It´s all right,” he had whispered. “It´s all right.” And it was all right, it was good and
fulfilling.
It could
have been all right forever. But he had been a coward.
He did not
knew how long he knelt there, his head in his hands, crying, rocking forwards,
backwards. Until he felt Bobby´s hand on his shoulder, steadying him, consoling
him.
They had
not planned how to do it, but it was a good, silent and peaceful ceremony when
they opened the box, both saying a prayer in their minds and Ennis held the box
in the wind, letting the air blow the ashes over the grass and trees. Only once
he lifted his fingers, let the grey and white powder graze his skin. And it was
as if Jack touched him with his hand.
Bobby had
taken a blanket from the saddle bag and they sat silently on the ground for a
while.
And then
Ennis began to talk. About him and Jack. About the past. Wasted chances, stolen
moments. About their families, about people they both loved but betrayed. About
his regrets, the guilt he felt.
Bobby
listened silently, only said a word from time to time to encourage Ennis to go
on. Time went by and the sky turned magenta, then morphed into a velvet dark
blue. The stars came out, bright and silver.
“Ennis…”
Bobby said quietly. “What do you think…” He took a deep breath, fearing the
answer. “How did my father die… I always doubted what they told us…”
Ennis shook
his head. “I don´t know… Maybe it really was the tire, maybe…”
For a long
while they sat there, silently. And Ennis felt as if a heavy rock had been
lifted off his chest, from finally being able to talk, to tell someone about
him and Jack.
Bobby
looked up. “It´s late… We should ride back…”
Ennis
looked around. He had not noticed how time had gone by. “It is night,” he said
“I can´t believe it… How long have we been here…”
He got up.
The path between the trees lay in total darkness.
“It´s too
late.”
He had
feared to spend the night up here. But he was at peace now. He would be able to
sleep here, yes, surrounded by emotions and memories, but now the grief would
not break him.
“Bobby, I
am sorry… We have to stay here. It´s my fault, shouldn´t have talked so much.”
Bobby
smiled. “I am so glad you did, I know my father so much better now. I love him
even more now.”
He looked
up to the sky. “It´s cold, but if we make a fire we should be able to sleep
here.”
Although
Bobby looked so much like Jack, they both knew, some lines would not be
crossed. Ennis felt a great affection towards him, but he knew, he was not
Jack. Affection, not lust.
They fell
asleep, both lost in their thoughts and memories.
Late at
night Bobby woke up and noticed that in his sleep Ennis had moved closer, had
put his arm over Bobby´s chest. Bobby did not move it, smiled and fell asleep
again.
Ennis
dreamed of Jack.
They were
on Brokeback Mountain again, together. Ennis stood on the grass he was sleeping
on now, the sun was shining, and Jack came walking towards him, smiling.
“Come,” he said. “Come with me.”
He had had
this dream before. Had woken up crying, because in the dream every time,
although he wanted to go with Jack, he always said “I can´t.” And the sad look
on Jack´s face when he turned around and left alone, made him always wake up in
tears.
But this
time Ennis said “Yes”. He took Jack´s hand and the smile on Jack´s face was
brighter than the sun. This time he went with him.
Bobby woke
up when the first sunrays crept over the mountain top. He needed a moment to
realise where he was. Looked at Ennis and smiled.
There was a
peaceful smile on Ennis´ face, so beautiful and happy that it really took his
breath away.
He waited a
moment, not daring to wake him, hoping that he still would be happy when awake.
Finally he
shook his arm softly that was still lying across his chest.
“Ennis,
wake up… We have to ride back…”
Ennis did
not move. Bobby touched his hand.
It was cold.
Slowly he
lifted the arm, placed it carefully on the ground. He raised, touched Ennis´
face. Then his neck.
He nodded.
A tear rolled down his cheek.
“I hope you
are together now…” he whispered.
He wrapped
the blanket around Ennis, rode back alone as fast as he could.
The rangers
brought Ennis´ body down from the mountain with a sledge, the coroner attested
that he had died in his sleep. His heart simply had stopped beating.
Alma and
Francine found his last will on the backside of the postcard in his wardrobe.
He had written it on the day he had pinned it to the door.
“Alma jr.,
Francine. Please
scatter my ashes on Brokeback Mountain. Love ya, little darlings. Daddy.”
They could not
figure out what the blood-stained shirts were about until Bobby said that the
blue one looked like the shirts his father used to wear. They could not decide
what to do with them, but agreed they would not separate them.
And they
agreed they would ride up to Brokeback Mountain, all three of them, to fulfil
Ennis´ last wish.
And once
again a small cloud waft over the place where Ennis and Bobby had scattered
Jack´s ashes only a short time before. And Bobby hoped that maybe some traces
were still left so that now the ashes would mingle.
Francine
opened a bag she had taken with her, took out Jack´s and Ennis´ shirts.
“What do
you think…” she said softly. “I thought maybe we could bury them together
here…”
Alma and
Bobby looked at her, looked at each other. “That is a wonderful idea.” Alma
said, and Bobby agreed.
Francine
brushed back the blond hair she had inherited from her father, knelt down on
the ground, took a small shovel from her bag. Bobby came over to her. “Wait,
I´ll help you…” She also had Ennis´ eyes, he had thought the first time he met
her. Beautiful eyes.
In fact, he
had thought a lot about her since they had met.
They
covered the small grave with grass, put up a stone so that they could retrieve
it. Because they promised they would come back again. Before they rode back,
they all stood silently on the grass. And Alma saw with a smile how Francine´s
hand slipped into Bobby´s hand.
“I wish our
fathers could see us standing here together.” she said softly.
Bobby
caressed Francine´s fingers. “Who knows… Maybe they can… Maybe they are
watching over us. But more than this I wish they could stand here together.”
Then they
left. Still mourning about their fathers´ fate. But also feeling blessed that
their fate had brought them together.
The End.
