Pearls of Wisdom
(From Sick Sick Shit -

Keep a gun in your car. And a shovel in the trunk.

Take Polaroids of your girlfriends in compromising positions. One of the women might become famous someday, causing your photos of her to become very valuable. At the very least, after some years, you will have a fine collection to admire.

Never be the life of the party, but egg on whoever is.

Pick out a woman's weak point and compliment her on it. Nothing gets her panties off faster.

When dating a much younger girl, and people ask you what you two have in common, tell them "Nothing. That's why after we finish having sex, she plays with my daughter, who is in her class at school"

A rule of thumb when dining out: The bigger the breasts, the bigger the tip. Extra if she flirts with you.

If you're concidering marriage, try to visualize her when she lets her hair color grow out, her tan fade, and her diet slip. That's what she will look like as your wife. Also, look at her mother. That's your wife in twenty years.

Don't drive drunk. Amphetamines are much better for long trips.

When you're in a hotel in a strange city, the bellman-for a suprisingly low fee-can usually offer assistance in procuring the services of a prostitute.

Always keep a straight face when saying things like: "You're friend Cindy has enormous breasts? Really? I hadn't noticed" to your girlfriend or wife.

When having a party, buy cheap booze. Pour it into the empty bottles of top brand names. Your guests will never knwo the difference. As an added bonus, some will even make asses out of themselves by insisting it tastes so much better than "lesser" brands.

Money can't buy happiness. But if you're bent on being miserable, it's best to be miserable on a tropical island, sipping a frosty cold drink, surrounded by young, bikini-clad babes. Money can buy this.

Always cheat on tests. In ten years, nobody remembers algebra, but your grade transcript will be with you forever.

Don't buy a house until you are rich. Cleaning gutters and cutting grass can seriously cut into your weekend time for drinking beer while lying on the couch and watching tv. Cleaning and lawncare jobs should be done by professionals, which cost money.

Never buy a product because of a sexy model wearing a bathing suit. Advertising should not tease you into buying something you don't need. Wait until she is completely naked, THEN buy!

Of all the words of tounge and pen, the saddest are these: "We've got you on videotape."

A girl who does not wear panties on a first date is a girl you want to go out with again.

Avoid cat people - they're wierd.

Don't get tattoos. Today's cool is tomorrow's identifiable mark.

Alone with the babysitter? Act clumsy and adorable. She'll think she's the one who initiated things and feel so guilty for corrupting your relationship with your wife/girlfriend that she'll never try to get serious. She'll just concentrate on the kid, while giving you great sex to ease her guilt. Just don't let her catch you looking at another woman. And keep her away from your wife/girlfriend when you're not around.

At a strip club, try to sit one table back from the stage. The view is just as good, and you save substantially on dollar bills.

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