Mars & Venus
(From Sick Sick Shit -


8:15AM - Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30AM - Weigh 5 lbs. less than yesterday
8:45AM - Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15AM - Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00AM - Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30AM - Facial , manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 noon - Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45PM - Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00PM - Shopping with friends.
3:00PM - Nap.
4:00PM - A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15PM - Yoga session followed by a gentle massage.
5:30PM - Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30PM - Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00PM - Hot shower. Alone.
10:30PM - Make love.
11:00PM - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15PM - Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.


6:00AM - Alarm.
6:15AM - Blowjob.
6:30AM - Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00AM - Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs and toast
7:30AM - Limo arrives.
7:45AM - Vodka tonic en route to airport
8:15AM - Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30AM - Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45AM - Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:30AM - Blowjob
11:45AM - Lunch. 5lb grilled hamburger with all the fixings. 6 Heinekens.
12:15PM - Blowjob.
12:30PM - Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15PM - Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:20PM - Blowjob
2:30PM - Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15PM - Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:15PM - Blowjob
4:30PM - Catch world-record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.
5:00PM - Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00PM - Watch Sportscenter.
7:30PM - Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20oz. New York strip.
9:00PM - Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00PM - Have sex with 18 year old nymphomaniac.
11:00PM - Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45PM - Go to bed.
11:46PM - One last blowjob
11:59PM - Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
12:00AM - Laugh yourself to sleep.

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