The Anti-Chain Letter
(Originally written by someone else, but with several parts added by Fej, webmaster of Sick Sick Shit - www.angelfire.com/ky2/sick)
Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes of the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography website, will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me this letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone else you send “his” Email (or URL) to, $10,000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Victoria’s Secret model in the catalogue! What a bunch of bullshit!
So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain that was started by Jesus in 5 AD and was brought over to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. If it makes it to the year 2005, it will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
FUCK THEM! If you’re going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 900 times. I don’t fucking care! Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.
The six basic types of chain letters:
Chain Letter Type 1:
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** Make a wish!!!
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** Really, go on and make one!!!!
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** Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!
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** Wish something else!!!!
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** Not that, you pervert!!!!
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** Is your finger getting tired yet?
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** STOP!!!!
Wasn’t that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish! :) Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true!!!! Because THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!! REALLY!!!
Here how it goes:
* Send this to one person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
* Send this to 2 – 5 people: 2 – 5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
* Send this to 6 – 10 people: 6 – 10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
* Send this to 11 – 20 people: 11 – 20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good luck!!!!
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Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 7 seconds. Oh and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!!
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Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no Email then and probably not as many little 8-year-olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 6 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like this:
Gay Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe into a flood of poop and went flying out over a waterfall! Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This could happen to you!!!!
Gay Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This could happen to you!!!!
Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all your loser friends and everything will be ok
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Chain Letter Type 4
Ha ha ha!!! I just saw something soooo funny! Quick, send this to 483 people and this magic little window will appear and play a video and you’ll see what’s so funny! It shows a video of the people you sent this Email to smashing your head in with a tire iron because unless you downloaded a specific program with this Email, it is impossible for a video or audio clip to pop up and play automatically when you send out a certain number of Emails.
So go on, piss off all your friends by sending this to them so you can watch the magic funny video, you selfish bastard! Never mind your rational thought telling you that this is bullshit and you’re going to look like a fucking jackass when you send all these out and nothing happens.
Remember, if you don’t pass this on, your friends will never truly know just how much of a moron you really are!
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Chain Letter Type 5
***TAG, YOU’RE IT***
You’ve just been slapped with the brick of stupidity! I’m too damn lazy to actually phone you, write you a letter, or visit you in person, so I’ve decided instead to get you involved in this cutesy little game of Email tag! Now that you’ve had all the dignity slapped out of you, send this to all your friends so that they too can get involved in this game for the mentally challenged.
And remember, the person who sent this to you did it because they are your true friend and not because they are selfish, greedy, evil, hateful bastards who only want to fill your Email box with stupid crap and get your Email address on porno companies’ spam lists.
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Chain Letter Type 6
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
FRIENDS
A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you are disgustingly ugly,
A friend is someone who cleans up after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays up with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…no sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don’t you will be eaten by wild mutts! And to show that you are their true friend, make sure you send this back to them as well so that they will not only know that you value their friendship, but also so that they won’t miss the ironic justice of having to delete 400 return Emails from their friends Emailing this letter back to them!
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There. Now that we’ve covered and dumped on the six main types of chain letters, on to the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!!! If you don’t think it was funny at all, don’t bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know! If you don’t, I don’t care, but why not show this around? Take a couple minutes and forward it.
Thanks! Remember the moral of the story is: If you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it’s a joke or something interesting, send it. But if it’s going to make people feel guilty (i.e. the goatless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen), or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of shit), or make them think that just by sending it on, everything in their loser life is suddenly going to get better, just delete it. Do yourself and everyone else in the world a favor and say “FUCK CHAIN LETTERS!!!”
Oh, and if you don't forward this letter out to at least 25 people in the next 5 minutes, a mad herpies-infested evil venomous chain letter gnome will come to your house tonight and sodomize you, then tear off your arms and beat you over the head with them! Also, Bill Gates and that guy who won the first Survivor show will team up and give a penny to this poor little farm boy in Indiana who got his penis stuck in a sheep that went dry on him and has no money to buy Vaseline to lube it up and pull out. Not only that, but your lifelong wish will come true and you will become rich beyond your wildest dreams and you will be banging stripper chicks and Playboy bunnies every night, instead of being the broke, ugly, no sex having loser that that you currently are. Remember, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!!
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