My husband and I married 6 weeks after I turned 21. We never used birth control and figured whatever happened would happen. I guess it wasn’t so much that I wanted a baby at that time, but I also figured if I could get pregnant, then that was fine.
We married in December 1989. I remember the following Thanksgiving feeling sick that day. I really thought it was just too much turkey. I never kept track of my periods. I wasn’t regular enough to keep up with them. I worked for a large clinic of physicians in our area at that time, so I could have taken a test, but honestly it just never popped into my mind. I didn’t “feel” pregnant other than the occasional nausea every now and then.
Finally, our one year anniversary came and we went to celebrate at a local hotel. I remember thinking that night that I really wanted a baby. It was the first time I had felt that way about a baby. Then it struck me...I hadn’t had a period in quite a while. Was it a possibility? We went through Christmas and New Year’s and finally after New Year’s when I went back to work after the holiday, I had a friend take a urine specimen to the lab that evening for me, and she was to call me at home. I still never thought I was. I don’t know if it was denial or maybe I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I really went home and almost forgot she was calling me. I didn’t even tell my husband that there was a possibility.
That evening, I remember us sitting on the couch watching TV and the phone rang. I picked it up, and my friend says,”Beth, I did your test. You’re pregnant!” I couldn’t even respond. I kept asking if she was sure, could it be wrong, just anything. She assured me it was right. I hung up, looked at my husband, and said,”We’re going to have a baby.” I thought his eyes would pop out of his head. He had no idea. After the shock wore off, we were both so excited. I was scared at the thought of being a parent. I didn’t think I could do that...I wasn’t old enough. Ha! Then I remembered even teenagers are parents. If they could, then I could too.
Other than morning sickness, everything progressed fine. I went to the doctor and everything checked out fine. All the blood work, ultrasound, etc. Everything looked normal. By the time I went to the doctor in January, I was already around 12 weeks. I had several episodes of spotting, nothing that was bad, but it was enough to concern me, and each time I was assured that the baby was fine. The doctor’s visit proved it was.
We started thinking of names for the baby. I just assumed we would have boys. My husband comes from a family of 3 boys, his mother has only one brother, and his father has 4 brothers. The whole family is boys! The more we talked about names, we decided on Logan for our son. We never even really discussed girl names, but I remember liking Jordan for a girl.
Anyway, I wasn’t scheduled to go to the doctor again until the first week of March. I had just gone at the very end of January, and with February being such a short month, my appt was the first week of March. I still continued having some spotting on and off, but never anything more than that, and never any cramps or pain. Because I had already confirmed this was nothing by the doctor’s appt, I never thought twice about it. I heard so many women say they did this throughout their pregnancies, especially around the time when their periods would have been due.
Well, I had gone to visit my parents by myself the last weekend of February. My husband had to work that weekend so I went alone. That night, I began spotting more than usual, and having low abdominal cramps. I called my doctor (two hours away), and he said to go to the Emergency Room. We went to the local hospital, and the ER doctor examined me, and said everything was fine. It looked like “old blood”, but my cervix was still closed, and the baby was fine. My doctor did say for me to come back home and he would see me as soon as possible to check on the baby. The following morning, my parents drove me back home. About halfway there, I began having sharp pains on and off...pains that became intense and then would go away only to come back again. It got to be so bad that I laid down in the back seat because I was getting so sick. We called my doctor and my husband and they were to meet us at the hospital. By the time we made it to the hospital I was doubled over in pain. I was taken immediately back to a room and practically stripped my clothes off because I could tell blood was coming out of me. I began to cry and yell for someone to help me.
I started bargaining with God, if He would just help me and save my baby that I would be a better person, that I would go to church more and do more “good things.” I had grown up in a very small "country" church , but never made a decision to ask Jesus into my heart, serve the Lord or have a relationship with Him.
I began to have an urge to push and screamed for someone to get in the room quick. My husband got so scared he had to leave. I think he saw all of the blood and worried something was going to happen to me. Within just a few minutes, the doctor and a nurse came in and almost immediately, I delivered our son right there on the table. It was March 2, 1991. It is amazing how the pain was immediately gone once he was out. Within another few minutes, I delivered the placenta and everything else and I thought I was dying.
There was so much blood. I remember feeling like I was going to pass out. I must have either done that or just gone into a numb, almost sleep stage because I then remember looking up at the nurse. She asked if I wanted to see the baby. That it was completely up to me, but it might help me to see him. I said I did. He was on a sterile towel. I had been 17 weeks pregnant, but he had evidently died at 15 weeks in utero.
What I saw made me see the miracle of life. He was perfectly formed, even amid the fact that he had died 2 weeks before. He had every body part there...he was just so very small. I could have fit him into my hand easily. I was told that any “fetus” before 20 weeks is termed a “miscarriage.” After 20 weeks, they are “stillbirths.” I would not be allowed to have a funeral or any services. We would send his body to pathology for an autopsy to determine if any genetic complications were there, and besides that I would not see him again. I accepted that for I knew of nothing else to do. I thought how weird to do a funeral for him anyway. I knew lots of other people who had said they had miscarriages, and they didn’t have funerals for them.
My husband chose not to see the baby. I believe he was scared to, and not sure of what he might see. He never even asked the sex, or asked me anything about it. He was glad I was okay and I think that’s all he was concerned about.
Well, time heals all wounds they say, and eventually I did become pregnant again and delivered a healthy boy, Andrew in August 1992. I had complications having him, and since then my cervix has not held up well. We aren’t sure if it is from having Logan, or having Andrew, or a combination of both. I had another child, a daughter, Ashtyn in Feb. 1994, after a threat of premature labor at 32 weeks (she was still delivered at 37 weeks), and then had a miscarriage in Feb. 1995 at around 7 weeks. Our third and final child, another daughter, Baylee was born in Sept. 1997 after many, many, hospital stays and labor threatening during my fifth month. She was a sick baby...with several serious complications. We went through spinal taps, IV’s, you name it, but thank God she is healthy now. We feel completely blessed to have three healthy children.
So, why do I wait 8 years to write about Logan? Well, I had a life changing experience three years ago. I came to know Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. Before this happened I had just blocked losing him from my mind. Yes, for several weeks after we lost him, I had horrible nightmares, where I woke up screaming and crying, but other than that, we never discussed him with anyone. I never even told my husband that the baby was a boy, and he never asked. It was like it had never happened. When I became a Christian, I started thinking about him and thinking that God must have done that because He was opening my eyes to search for Him. I did start going to church more after we lost him, perhaps even for that reason. It wasn’t until just in the past year that I have truly grown in the Lord, that I realized that as time went on, I was thinking about Logan more and more. Did I blame God for this? Was there something there that I just didn’t know or realize? I have come to realize that God did not author this, but yes He allowed it to happen. It did not happen as a punishment to me though. He loves me. I don’t have all the answers to “why?” I never will and no one ever will. I just have to trust Him to take care of me now. It’s just exercizng my faith that only comes through His grace.
I have found that I never truly went through the grieving process and now I don’t have the option of a gravesite to visit, so this web site is the best way I know how to release my hurts, my frustrations, my anger, and my confusion. More than anything I can have a tribute to my angel, and share the message of Jesus with the world. I don’t necessarily want others to hear of the negatives as I do the positives, I could never have the peace that I have now without Him. Do I miss Logan? Absolutely! He was my first child! Is he lost? No way! I will see him in Heaven again one day. I could never imagine dealing with death and not having the hope that there is life afterwards. This is NOT all there is in life...there is so much more!
My heart still hurts so badly, but now
that God is part of my life, He is healing my hurts, and giving me hope. Do I still cry?
Yes! Does it still hurt? Yes! But it is just so much easier. It’s bittersweet tears in
knowing he’s gone, but knowing I’ll see him again.
