These are some weird ideas that I've had, that books have had, or that my friends have had.
Everyone knows what "GREEN" is. But what if it looks different to other people, cuz I could see "GREEN" as what you see "BROWN" as, but we both know "GREEN" is "GREEN" and "BROWN" is "BROWN". That is why I think it would be really cool to live in someone else's mind for a day, hear their thoughts, and see what they see.
What makes us have obsessions? I was wondering that today. Why am I so addicted to riding? Lots of little girls want to ride horses. I just actually got to. Now it takes much talent to drag me away from the barn. I don't know why. It's like I belong there, and it's a big part of me and my life. I hope I'll always be able to ride, and that I'll never become so old and frail that I can't take care of my horses and all that. Please email me with your thoughts on why we have obsessions and I'll post them on here.
I have a friend who claimed that she didn't want to have guys in her life because she was afraid it would ruin her relationship with God. She met a guy who liked the same things she did and who really liked her. She stayed away from him. Then some guy she never showed any interest in asks her out and she jumps at the chance. Maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture, but that's my take on things. I don't quite understand what she's thinking anymore. I'm not her best friend, though I listen to her everytime she asks me to. I don't want to say anything about it to her because I don't want to make her mad or annoyed or upset in any way. I don't know what to do, and I think I'm just gonna leave well-enough alone, but I needed to get it out somewhere and this was the closest way.
I had so many mood swings today. I started out in a gung-ho "let's do this" kind of mood. Then it changed to needing to have something to hold on to. Then it changed to an exhausted "just let me sleep" mood. Then it was confused and tired. Then it was happy and perky. Then it changed to really dark and gloomy. That is where I currently am. I a)wanted to explain the reason for this week's question, b)wanted to give the reason for so many songs of the day, and c)I don't want to sleep yet and wanted something to do. I don't expect people to read this, but it gives me something to do, so yeah...
Hi again. I currently feel like much poo. Why do I feel so alone? I'm in one of those moods where you want to turn out all the lights and light a bunch of candles and write and play angry music and scream along with it and yeah... Do yall get those moods too? I'm going even crazier than before I swear. It's so sad. Today, the world is poo. That is all for now. Goodbye.
I've decided to add to my list of things that are poo. Guys are definately in the poo category. Mrs. Wingate asked Paul today if he thought Stonewall Jackson was a "jack*ss." He said no. She said she thought he was because he was arrogant and basically a jerk. I said, "Aren't most guys like that?" That's my current mentality. Guys ARE poo. That doesn't mean I don't love 'em to death, cuz I do, but do they have to be so hard to deal with?? My whole confidence with guys has been shrinking a ton in the past few months. I've also had the revelation that marriage doesn't happen to everyone, and is unlikely to happen to me. Who in their right mind would want to live like I do and WITH me no less?? Yeah, that's what I thought. But that's ok cuz it's not like marriage is that high on my list of things to do in life. It's probably in the 3rd-5th range. If it happens, it happens, but I doubt it will, so where's the point in all this? I have no idea. Someone please tell me. It's not like I don't have self-confidence. Anyone who spends any amount of time around me knows that. But I'm totally lost about this, and I figure the best thing to do is give up so that's what I'm gonna do. I felt the need to share with the world so there ya go. Enjoy. I love you all!
I'm trying to figure everything out still. I've realized that I live as two people kinda. One is my school self, quiet, serious, trying to get the grades. The other is the real me, the semi-hyper, fun-loving, "in your face" person. The person who plays rugby with people twice her size and kicks Matt so hard he falls down. Sometimes it makes me sad that the people at school only see the school me. I don't know whether to bring out the real me at school or not. I'll figure it out...
Major kudos to Smidge for her incredibly awesome Christmas present. That was just the best. Thanks so much!
Hey everyone! I'm all excited cuz we went up to visit relatives in NC and I drove there and back! I bet yall are really scared now.. hehehe. In further news, I got tons of socks for Christmas. Go socks! Also, I got an entire season of Friends on video. Is that not just spectacularly awesome? I believe it is!
Faith. That subject comes up a lot these days. I feel like sharing mine so here we go. I am Christian. I believe that Jesus died to save us because he loves us. But he doesn't just love some of us. He loves ALL OF US. He will save all of us. The most important part about a religion is what kind of person it makes you. Part of the reason we have religions is to make the world a safer, happier place. Therefore, I look for good people, rather than bad "Christians" to hang around. I personally believe in Christianity, but someone else who is, say, a Hindu, if that person is good, and follows the basic Christian moral code, just doesn't happen to believe the Jesus part of it, well then in my eyes, they're good people, people who deserve to be in heaven just as much as me, or any other person on Earth. I believe they will get there. I don't have all the answers, but that's some of what I've figured out so far. I'm gonna go now. I love yall!
How do you fall into the sky? I heard "A Thousand Miles" today on the radio and I really got to wondering that. How does that work? Email me with your ideas!
Today is Valentine's Day and I would just like to say it sucks serious monkeys. Johan and I have agreed it should be removed from the calendar. I mean, even the Valentine's Days where I had boyfriends, I still didn't enjoy the day. It should be erased. Blah. I'm done now.
I guess I should probably start dating these things. Today is April 4, 2003. I don't really know what I want to say, but I'm gonna ramble and see where I end up. I've had very mixed emotions about a lot of things lately. The world, guys, friends, and life in general. On the world level, I don't agree with the war. If you want to discuss this or hear my reasons, you can email or IM me. With guys, it's weird. They're stressful and silly, but it's instinct to like them. It's all so hard to deal with sometimes, but I've decided that you really just have to go for it cuz it does you no good to sit on your butt and wish. Am I right? Who knows... With friends, I've really been wondering this year who is just nice to me out of politeness and who really likes to be around me. I sometimes get the feeling that it's more of the first than the second. I don't know... I hope it's not that way. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Oy. With life, I really feel like I've lost all of my childhood perspective of everything. Nothing is perfect anymore. I'd already lost most of it, but now it's just gone. So many people have problems, so many people can't get along because they won't be at least a little understanding, and no one knows enough, and it's all crazy. There are so many people who could care less about being good. That makes me so sad. I don't know how society progressed to this point, but it's wrong and needs to be fixed. And the USA... I used to think it was the just about perfect country where people had every freedom and always followed democracy. It is not the case. Read about the eugenics movement in the US if you're curious, but, long story short, we were the guinea pig for the Nazis (scary stuff). HERE. THE US. Hit me hard when I learned about that. And you hear about all these people who are jailed because of their ethnicity.. that's just wrong. There should be valid reasons for jailing people, not just because there's a sudden distrust for an ethnic group because some members of it did something bad. It's ridiculous. "The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it." I love that quote, and that describes my current state of mind. Let me know what you think. I love all of you!
April 30, 2003 I'm in such a good mood right now. Most things in my life are quite crappy, but I'm in some random happy mood, so yay. I think it's cuz we don't have classes tomorrow so I don't have anything I have to do tonight and I'm enjoying doing nothing. It's quite refreshing. I am currently pissed off at a lot of things, discouraged about others, and dreading the rest. I really don't think I should go into what I'm angry about, but ask me and I might tell u... dunno. I am discouraged about people in general as well as guys. I stand by the quote from last time "the more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it." People make me sad. They do stupid things and act like 'tards and morons. They are just ... ugh... yeah and then the whole guys thing-there is no hope for me. I realized that I will be stuck with the same guys for the next two years and each one has either the problem of not ever going to be interested in me or that I'm never going to be interested in. Il n'y a pas d'esperance. But that's ok. I still have the #1 man in my life (my horse)! He's so great. He's my baby... yeah... anyways, so there's no hope there, but whatever. Maybe someone will come along. Gotta be optimistic, cuz what else am I supposed to do (though I probably didn't sound too much like that up there). I guess this is kinda a stream of consciousness ranting sorta thingy, but I dunno... random lit, ok.. Things that I am dreading: turning in and presenting that history project, writing my lab report, and finals. All school stuff.. no wonder I'm going to look like a grandma by the time I graduate b/c of the stress! Stupid people... we shouldn't have so much stress and work. We're frickin teens. Ugh! That's something that makes me very angry.. the public school system. It's retarded. I mean, did you ever wonder why the teen suicide rate is so high? It's cuz we have too much frickin CRAP to do! We go to school for 8 hours and then we come home and have several hours of homework. Adults don't work that much... they go to their jobs from 9 to 5 but when they come home, that's it (well there are exceptions, but generally yeah). I'd love to give some moron on the school board my schedule for a month and see how he survived it. Yeah, I think I should shut up now. Email me any responses (like yall ever do....). Love you guys!
August 22, 2003. Ok so it's been a while since I've updated this. I've had a busy summer... anyways, just thought I'd chatter for a bit about what's goin on w/me right now. I am extremely exhausted from school and work. I can do one or the other. Both is craziness. I have accepted and moved on w/guy issues. I still don't have anybody, but it doesn't bother me as much. I have my new horse to keep me busy. I am convinced that we are wrecking our world and digging our own graves with technology and mess like that. What problems stem from technology? Pollution, overpopulation of humans, people in panic when the lights go out, stress, and much other craziness--I often wish I could live a couple hundred years ago. The air would be clean, the landscape beautiful, and people would not be possessed like the soccer moms of today. It's like the "Miniver Cheevey" poem from Am. Lit. But the grass is always greener I guess. Oh well. My friends are awesome, just thought I'd share. They and my horse are what's gonna get me thru this semester. Well, I don't really have as much to say as I thought I might. I'm gonna go now before I get too ramblingish. Love you all!
