Memories

~chapter 1~

Plane's wheels touched the land. Here I am in Florida to see my brother, whom I haven't seen in two years. He's always touring all around the world. I have thousands of postcards from all the places where he has been to. I gathered my stuff and stepped out of the plane. "Where the hell Brian is?" I thought. He was supposed to come and pick me up from the airport.... "Michelle!" I turned around and saw Brian running towards me. "Brian!" I cried and hugged him tight. "I'm so glad you decided to spend your summer vacation with me. You don't have any idea how much I've missed you." Brian cried. " I think I have," I said and pulled back from his hug. I noticed the blond tall guy standing next to Brian. "Hi Nick," I smiled. "Wow, hi Michelle, I didn't regonize you at first. You've changed a lot" he said and hugged me. "Well people usually do that during the years" I laughed and hugged him back.

Brian's car was waiting for us Outside of the airport . " Wow, Brian I didn't know, that you bought a new car" I said and stared at the black BMW in front of me. " It's a nice car, isn't it?" Brian laughed. " Yeah and expensive" I muttered, guietly so that he couldn't hear me. I sat on the passengers seat and Nick sat on the backseat.

I flipped through the radio channels and found what I was looking for. I Want It That Way came through the speakers and Nick groaned. "Anything but that, I am SO sick of that song!" he begged. " Would N'Sync be better?" I turned to look at him. "NO!!!!" Brian and Nick both screamed. "Please don't say, that you like the copy cats!" Brian looked me with a schoked face. "Don't worry. I don't like them. I was just teasing you two" I laughed.

We pulled to Brian's driveway and stepped out of the car. I had always liked Brian's house. It was big, but comfortable. There was a swimming pool and basketball court in the backyard, which made it practically a heaven to me.

"C'mon I'll show you your room" Brian took my hand and leaded me to upstairs. "Do you like it?" He asked excitedly. "I love it already, it's MUCH bigger than my own room back in Kentucky." I smiled. "Good, my room is right next to your room, don't hesitate to ask if you need anything. "Ok, I won't." I said. The room was big with white carpets. It had a desk and a chair in front of a window ,which gave me a view to the backyard. On the left side of the desk was a closet and the other side was a huge bed. I put my clothes to the closet and decided to do rest of the unpacking later. I took my b-ball (which I always take with me) and run out to the basketball court.

After a couple of minutes I felt that someone was watching me and I turned around. I saw Nick and Brian smiling at me. "What's so funny?" I asked. "Nothing. I can tell, that you still know how to play," Brian smiled. " Yes I'm still better than you, if you mean that." I grinned to him. "Is that a chanllenge?" Brian asked. "It might be" I smiled. "Nick you'll count the points" Brian screamed.

After an hour we finally stopped and looked at Nick. " Michelle won with 54 points and poor Brian here got only 50 points." Nick said. " Nooooo I can't believe this, I lost to my own sister!" Brian cried. " Don't worry B you'll get over it." I laughed. "It's easy for you to say," Brian said with a miserable look on his face. "Maybe I'll let you win next time" I grinned. "Aargh I'll get you" Brian shouted. I run to my room and locked the door. "I was just kidding Brian. Please don't eat me" I cried through the door. "I won't, you can come out now." Brian promised. I carefully unlocked the door and stepped out of the room. Brian laughed to the look on my face. "Brian that's not funny, you scared me half to death!" I cried. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." He said and hugged me. "It's okay." I said and hugged him back. " Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go to take a shower,'cause I'm all sweaty." I said and went to the bathroom.

When I came out of the shower the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" Brian screamed from downstairs. I dressed and pulled my hair on a ponytail. I run the stairs down to see who it was. I heard laughter from the living room and stopped to the doorway. All the guys were there and I watched them guietly. I hadn't seen them for so long and I felt little bit shy, when they all were there. Nick and AJ were in the corner of the room playing nintedo and the rest of the guys were sitting on the couch and chairs, talking about something. "Well there you are, we were just talking about you." Brian stood up and pulled me to the room. "Michelle!!!" AJ screamed and ran to hug me. "It's so great to see you." He said. "You too" I said and hugged him back. " Welcome to Florida, Michelle" Howie said and hugged me warmly. " Hi cousin, I've missed you" Kevin smiled and hugged me tightly. " I've missed you too Kev," I said and pulled back.

We chatted and watched movies the rest of the evening. I noticed how AJ was staring at me all the time and the way he looked at me bothered me, it was like he had never even seen a girl before.

It was late when I finally got to sleep. I fell asleep immediately when my head touched the pillow. ~ I was running and running, but my feet didn't seem to move at all. I knew he was running behind me and I was terrified, 'cause I knew what he would do, when he catched me. And he would catch me, he always did. ~ I screamed and sat up. It was dark. I was breathing heavily and I was in a cold swet. I started to cry, why it always came back. Even in here. When I came to Florida I was hoping it would go away. I had seen the same dream thousands of times before. It was always the same and it always came back. I had seen it ever since... well never mind.

Brian rushed to my room with a concered look on his face. "Michelle, what's wrong" he asked. "I'm fine go to sleep Brian" I answered and turned my face to the wall. I didn't want him to see me like this. "You've been crying Michelle, what's wrong, did you have a nightmare?" Brian kept asking. He sat down on my bed and used his hand to turn my head, so that I was facing him. When he saw my tear strained face, he immediately pulled me in a hug. "What's wrong Michelle, you know you can tell me." He asked with a concern in his voice. I shooked my head and sobbed into his shoulder. He kept rocking me back and fort untill I fell asleep. Then he laid me down, kissed my forhead and went back to his room.

In his room he kept wondering what was wrong and why Michelle didn't want to tell him. He had seen the fear in her eyes, and that fear wasn't caused by a nightmare. It was something else, something that he had to figure out.

~chapter 2~

I woke up early and decided to go jogging. I needed to get my thoughts away from last night. I put my jogging suit on and breathed the fresh air. I started jogging down the street deep in my toughts. "Brian will ask me about last night, that's for sure. What am I going to tell him? I can't tell the truth, I haven't even told our parents. He would get mad at me, 'cause I didn't tell him right away when it happened. But I can't tell them, I just can't. I just want to forget it, it was over a year ago, I have to forget it. There's no other way." I ran faster, like it would take the pain away.
~flashback~ I was on my way home from my friends house. We had watched couple movies and just goofed around like we always did. I was about to turn to my home street when someone took my arm and pulled me inside to one of the houses. He was a tall man, but I couldn't see his face, 'cause it was so dark. He pushed me down to the floor and started to rip my clothes off. On that night, he raped me and didn't only took my virginity, but he also took my self-respect, my trust to people. He smashed my soul in to a thousands of pieces and I'm still trying to put them all together, and that just seems impossible to do. ~end of flashback~

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I stopped behind the Brian's door. Still deep in my thoughts I stepped inside and closed the door behind me. Brian came from the kitchen. "Good morning sis. Where have you been, I woke up, and you were nowhere in sight" Brian wondered. "I was jogging" I answered guietly and turned around to go upstairs. Brian took my arm and tried to stop me. I tensed away and he looked at me confused. I turned my face away, so that he couldn't see the tears in my eyes, but I didn't work. "Michelle, you've been crying again" He looked at me with a worried look. "Come here." He said and wrapped his arms around me. "Why you won't open up to me and tell me what's wrong? Please let me help," he begged me. "I can't..." I sobbed into his shoulder. "Why not? Please just try, you've always told me everything." He continued. I nodded, at least I could try, Brian deserved to know.

We sat down to the livin room's chouch and I started to speak. I spoke guietly and stopping the story once in a while. I was afraid to look at Brian, I was afraid of his reaction.... "One night about a year ago, I was on my way home, from my friends house....." As I talked tears started to roll down my cheeks. I didn't even try to stop them and by the end of the story I was crying so hard that I was shaking. "... and I went to my room and never told anybody, not to police, not even to mom" I finished my story. I kept my eyes in the chouch afraid to look at Brian. I was so sure he was going to be mad at me. When nothing happened I looked up and saw tears in Brian's eyes. "Oh God I'm so sorry Michelle, that you had to go through this all alone, why you didn't tell to anybody?" He said and hugged me tight. "Are...are you mad at me?" I whispered into his shoulder. "No, I'm not mad at you, how did you get that idea in your head?" Brian asked confused. I started to cry harder and Brian stroked my back. "Shhh don't cry, it's gonna be all right, I'm here now. Nothing bad will happen to you, I'll make sure of it." He comforted me. "Thank you" I wishpered in to his ear. "Anytime sis. I will always be here for you, don't you forget that." He answered. We sat a long time on the couch. When I stopped sobbing he pulled back and smiled at me. "You're ok?" he asked and I nodded. I went upstairs to wash my face and came down to eat breakfast after that. "So what do you want to do today," he asked from the other side of the table. "Shopping, everyone wants to go shopping!" AJ shouted and walked inside the house. "Well good morning to you too Bone," Brian laughed. AJ took a chair and sat beside me. "Please say you want to go shopping, I haven't had a good shopping partner....since I don't even remember when!" AJ begged. "And it's not fun to shop alone." He looked at me with puppy eyes. "Do you want to go shopping with AJ?" Brian asked. "Yeah that'd be fun." I smiled. "Ok good, you two go shopping, I actually have some work, that has to be done." Brian said. "Great c'mon I know the best shopping places in Tampa." AJ jumped up and pulled me out of the house and in to his car, that was waiting outside.

We drove to the mall and stepped out. Five hours went fast by. AJ was so much fun to be around. We laughed so much, that our stomachs hurt. "Oh my gosh we have to go back, Brian is probably worried to death." I noticed the clock. "Ok let's go. AJ agreed. When we pulled to Brian's driveway, AJ stopped the car and looked at me. "Michelle I want you to know, that I had lots of fun today and...and I think I'm falling for you..." AJ looked at me straight in the eyes. I knew what he was going to do. Memories run through my head. When AJ´s lips touched mines, I pushed him back, opened the car's door and looked AJ with terrified look. "Please....don't do that...just...don't" I said and run inside the house. "Michelle, please wait, what's wrong?" AJ shouted after me, but I was already gone. I run to my room and closed the door behind me. I laid on my bed and cried into my pillow. "Why couldn't I trust in people? This was all that bastard's fault, who raped me... I was angry at myself, I was angry to the world. And I was so miserable. I wanted to like AJ, I wanted to love him...and deep down inside I knew, that I already did....

I had a crush on him two years ago, but when they left touring, I pushed those feelings away and I thought I had forgotten them, but they were still there...now stronger than ever. I heard talking from downstairs and soon there was a knock at my door. "Michelle, can I come in?" I heard Brian asking behind the door. I stood up and let Brian inside. Brian hugged me and took a chair for himself. He pointed me to sit to the bed and said. "AJ didn't mean anything bad, when he kissed you. That just is our AJ. And he really does care about you. He's really confused right now and I think you have some explaining to do." I looked at Brian and nodded. "Ask him to come here." I said and thought to myself, "this is going to be hard, how can I ever tell him what happened to me...?" AJ stepped to my room, looking confused. I pointed him to sit on the chair. "This is going to be really hard for me, so just listen and don't interrupt me, before I'm finished, ok?" AJ nodded. I took a deep breath and turned to look my hands. After I had finished my story, I was crying hard ( authors note: I know she cries all the time, but she has to show her emotions, right?) and suddenly I felt AJ's hand on my cheek and I looked up. AJ was crying too and he pulled me in a hug. "I'm so sorry. I didn't have any idea. Can you ever forgive me for what I did?" He asked quietly. "You mean the kiss?" I looked at him. He nodded and I smiled at him. "I'll forgive you. You know, I've had this crush on you for like always, but right now, I'm not sure am I ready to start a new relationship." I waited for his reaction. "You....you like me?" AJ asked excitedly. "Yes I like you, I've liked you for a long time." AJ pulled me in his arms and said, "I want you to know, that I would never hurt you and by saying, that you like me, you just made me the happiest man alive." I smiled sadly and said: "I'm just very scared of having all these feelings for you. Altough I like you, I'm afraid of you, like I am afraid of everybody." I looked at him and continued, "if we'll start dating, you have to understand, that I want to start it really slowly." AJ nodded with a huge smile on his face. "I understand, I promise to take it slowly, altough I'm dying to kiss you right now..." He looked me scared waiting for my reaction...I thought about his words for a second and leaned against him. I brushed my lips against his and felt him starting to response to my kiss. We pulled back and I looked at him, "any better?" I asked. He laughed and kissed me on the cheek. "Much better," he said. "C'mon let's go and tell Brian the good news." We walked the stairs down hand in hand and went to the livin' room. Howie, Kevin and Nick were there too. They looked us suprised. AJ cleared his troath and said, "just to let you know, Michelle and I are dating from now on." Everyone seemed to be happy for us and we spent the rest of the evening laughing and chatting together.

~chapter 3~

That night I didn't have any nightmares and when I woke up I was in a wonderful mood. I got dressed and run the stairs down. Brian was already up. "Morning, did you sleep well," he asked. "Better than in a long time," I smiled at him. "Our manager called this morning and said that we have to go to the record studio and do some photoshooting. You can come with us, if you want to. It shouldn't take more than a couple of hours." Brian said. "Yeah that'd be cool," I said. We ate breakfast and drove to the record studio. Everyone else was already there and when we stepped in AJ ran to me and kissed on the cheek "Hey baybe, I missed you," he said. "Yeah we haven't seen each other in what, 8 hours? How do you think you'll survive on the tours, if you can't stand even 8 hours without me?" I smiled at him. "Please don't remind me, our next tour is so far away, that I don't even want to think about it!" he cried. The other guys laughed at AJ.

During the time guys were doing their interwievs and photoshoots I started to look at the other rooms. One room was covered with posters and awards which boys had won. The next room was the actual record studio. There were microphones everywhere. "Hi I'm the sound editor, you must be Michelle," I turned to look about 40 years old man I front of me. "Yes I'm Michelle how did you know, who I am?" I shooked his hand. "I'm Mike, nice to meet you. You just look very much alike with Brian and I heard, that his sister is in town." I smiled at him. "You have a nice record studio here," I looked around me in the huge room. "Yeah this is a pretty comfortable place to work. Would you want to sing a little bit, I have to test the mics anyway?" I agreed. "Sure" I said and walked closer to the mics. I started to sing the first song that came in to my mind. I closed my eyes and felt how the beautiful music filled me....

Looking In by Mariah Carey

You look at me and see a girl, who lives inside the golden world. But don't believe, that's all there is to see, You'll never know the real me.

She smiles through a thousand tears. And harbors adolescent fears. She dreams of all that she can never be, she wades in insecurity and hides herself inside of me.

Don't say she takes it all for granted. I'm well aware of all I have. Don't think that I am disenchanted, please understand.

It seems as though I've always been, somebody outside lookin in. Well here I am for all of them to bleed, but they can't take my heart from me, and they can't bring me to my knees, they'll never know the real me.

I heard applausing. I opened my eyes and saw the guys, photographers and everybody else around me. I guess they heard my singing and came to watch. I felt shy for all of them beeing there and looking at me, I was about to turn away, when AJ came smiling towards me and said, " oh man, I didn't know, that you can sing so well, you have a beautiful voice!" He hugged me and we left the studio.

~3 weeks later~

Now I'm laying on the swimming pool, sunbathing and thinking about these last three weeks. AJ and I have grown really close to each other, we are almost inseparable. I love him very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm having the time of my life and I'm enjoying every moment that I'm spending in Florida. Now I know, that I can't love anybody else, before I love myself. I can't trust in anybody, before I trust in myself. When I can do that, I'm on my way to healing.

The end (for now....)

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