~prologue~
"Hi grams, how are you doing," I shouted from her room's door.
"Hi sweetie, I'm doing just fine, the doctor said, that I should get home during
this week." my grandmother said.
My grandmother was taken to hospital, when she got an heart attack a couple of
weeks ago. I knew she didn't feel herself comfortable in hospital, so I was
really happy for the good news.
We chatted about half an hour, until a nurse came to say, that the visitor hours
were over.
"I have to go now, I hope you'll get out of here soon." I said and hugged her.
"Me too darlin', thanks for visiting here, you're always takin' so good care of
me." She said and pulled back.
I decided to see if my grandmother's doctor (who actually is my uncle) would be
in his room and ask, when she will be relased. I knocked on the door. "It's
open!" I heard uncle William shouting.
I opened the door and stepped inside. Uncle Will ( as we call him) seemed to be
very busy, he was obiovosly searching for something. "Oh hi Sam, come on in," he
said. "I can come some other time, you seem to be very busy." I said. "No that's
okay, we just got a new patient today and that means all this paper work, that
has to be done." He smiled at me.
I sat on the chair in front of his table. "What happened, was it a car accident
again?" I asked. "Yes it was, there has been lots of those lately. This
patient....mr. Dorough's condition is critical, he got some serious injuries and
if you ask my opinion he would be needing and new kidney as soon as possible.
But he has a very rare blood type, so that might be a problem." He explained
still looking at his papers. He thought a moment and then said, " by the way,
don't you have this same blood type?" I looked at his papers some what schoked.
"Yes I have the same kind of blood."
chapter 1
Uncle Will took me to the waiting room, and when I saw who were sitting in
there, I almost fainted. And then it also hit me. Mr.Dorough has to be Howie. I
panicked. Why didn't I realise this earlier.
I looked at the other Backstreet Boys sitting in front of me. They were now
talking to Will. Also Howie's family were there. They all seemed very tired and
Howie's mom was crying hysterically. When Will stopped talking they all looked
at me. I saw the hope in their eyes and couldn't help myself of thinking, should
I go to the tests or not.
"Would you please go to the tests, you're our only hope. I don't know what will
I do without my boy." Howie's mom begged me and started crying even harder. I
hesitated a moment and made my decicion. "Don't cry, mrs.Dorough, I'll go to the
tests" I managed to say. She looked at me thankfully and I turned to speak to my
uncel. "Shall we go?"
The tests didn't take a long time, it was just some bloodwork. When I came back
to the waiting room I saw everybody looking at me and I said, " We'll get the
results soon." I was afraid to look at Kev, Brian, Nick and AJ. I mean I had
always dreamt of meeting them and now, that they were sitting right next to me,
I didn't know what to say. So I didn't say anything.
I was afraid, what would happen, if I was capable to help. I didn't know, would
I be able to risk my own life, to safe Howie's. But at the other hand, I knew,
that I couldn't live with myself, knowing, that I could have saved Howie, but
that I didn't do it...
My uncle came out from his room and he looked really re liefed. I looked at his
face and already knew what he was going to say. "Sam is capable to give her
kidney in all the ways. It's all up to you Sam, what are you going to do?" He
looked very serious.
I couldn't think, I stood up and run out of the room...
I just run, untill a wall came in front of me. I leaned my back against the wall
and sat down. I closed my eyes. As tears started to run down my cheaks, what the
hell am I going to tell to all the people in the waiting room, who expect me to
give my kidney to Howie and risk my own life at the same time? Am I really ready
to do this, 'cause when I'll once make my decision, I can't turn back anymore.
I didn't realise how cold the hospital's floor was. I was shaking, but I didn't
care
about it.
When my uncle was taking the tests, he told me about all the risks of the
operation. There was a huge chance, that both of us, me and Howie would die. Or
if I lost too much blood, I could die for it. I could die to the complications
after the operation. There was lots of oppoturnities, how I could die. I didn't
want to think about them, but I had to.
I didn't want to die in the age of 16!!! There was so much for me to experience
and do, I didn't want to give all that up, but I was sure, that Howie didn't
either.
I heard footsteps, but I didn't open my eyes.
"Are you ok?" I heard a male voice asking and I knew immediatly, who it was.
Without opening my eyes, I said, "go away Nick, I just need to be alone for a
while."
"How did you know, who I am?" I opened my eyes and met Nick's blue eyes right in
front mine. "I'd regonize your voice anywhere." I looked down. "You mean you're
a fan?" He guestioned. I nodded. He sighed and sat down beside me. "You know, as
much as I hope, that you'd go to the operation, you have to think yourself and
not let your emotions affect in your decicion." I started to cry softly...
All the interwievs were right. Even on a moment like this, they thought about
their fans first. I felt Nick's arms around my shoulders and wrapped my arms
around his neck.
Nick stood up and said, "I'll leave you alone for a moment now." I smiled at him
and closed my eyes.
How could I say no to them? And what all the fans would say to me? Two of my
best friends would hate me, because they were huge bsb fans... I would hate
myself.
But just a tought about going to that operation got me terrified. I didn't know
would I be able to do that.
I stood up and walked along the hallway. I kept wondering what my answer would
be.
"Hey are you ok?" I looked up and saw AJ in front of me. I shook my head and
tried to wipe my tears away. AJ looked at me for a moment and pulled me in a
hug. "Shh it's ok, we understand." I pulled back. "C'mon there's something I
want to show you." He took my hand and leaded me in front of one of the rooms. I
looked in and saw Howie, hooked up in a thousand of machines. I couldn't stand
watching him like that and turned my face away. "He was in an accident. A drunk
driver hit his car, when he was on his way home from a record studio. We got
here as soon as we heard about it." I nodded. "I just wanted you know, what
happened." AJ said. I smiled at him. "Thank you." I said and walked away.
Picture of Howie lying on his bed kept running through my head. I couldn't let
Howie die, and there was only one way to stop that.
I stepped to the waiting room and looked around. I had to find my uncle.
I saw Howie's family sitting in the corner of the waiting room. I walked closer
and Angie (Howie's sister) saw me.
She stood up and smiled to me. "Can I talk to you for a while?" I nodded and we
walked little farer from the others. "Have you made your decicion?" She looked
at me and I nodded. "I just want you to know, that we understand, even if you
say no. This is just very hard for my parents and I didn't want to let them hear
if you say no." I looked at her. This can't be possible, how they can be so nice
to me?
"I'll do it." I whispered and she gave me a huge smile. "Thank you so much." She
said and hugged me.
We walked towards the others. Angie said something to them and they all started
smiling through their tears. They all hugged me and I just wondered more and
more all the warmth they had.
"Have you seen my uncle?" I asked.
"He should be in his room." Polly Anna said and I nodded.
I knocked the door and stepped in.
I talked a while with Will and then I was ready to go to the operation.
Just before the anaesthetic knocked me over, I thought, how good it would be I
my parents were here with me. I drifted in a peacfull sleep, not knowing would I
ever
wake up.
chapter 2
I opened my eyes. Everything was white. I saw a man walking towards me.
"What are you doing in here, you should be down there." I looked at him
confused. "Where am I and who are you?" He took my hand leaded me to a huge
house. We stepped in and he said. "This is a place where people come to rest
after a long journey...life." I looked around. "So is this heaven...am I dead?"
We walked through a huge room and came to the back yard. There were apple trees,
a little lake and little chlidren running around. Everyone were smiling and
laughing. "No your not dead, not yet. I'm your guardian angel. You have to go
back now, it's not your time yet. And down there is someone who you are supposed
to meet. I'll be with you, don't be afraid." With that he faded away and
everything became unclear.
I felt an awful pain in my back. I moaned and tried to turn around. I heard
voices, but they seemed to come somewhere far away.
Someone came in to the room and said. "Samantha, sweetie it's time to wake up,
open up your eyes." Oh my gosh it can't be..."Mom?" I opened my eyes and looked
around, no mom. Uncle Will looked at me. "No not mom, just the plain old me." I
groaned.
"So it seems as I'm still alive. Is Howie ok?" I asked. "Yes you both made it
just fine, and the operation went well." I closed my eyes and thought. Well it
seems as I made it. I hope mom and dad would be here to see me... I drifted back
to sleep.
When I woke up, the pain was gone. They must have given me some painkillers, I
thought. There was a knock at the door and AJ looked in. "I can see, that
someone has woke up, can we come in?" I smiled. "We?" AJ stepped in. "Oh yes we,
all of us." And with that, Nick, Kev and Brian came in.
"Umh hi guys." I was suprised, that they came to visit. Gosh this can't be true.
Four of the five Backstreet Boys are in the same room with me, I thought.
Boys got chairs somewhere and sat around my bed. "How are you doing, you slept a
long time?" Kevin asked. "I'm fine, just tired...how long did I sleep?" I looked
at them.
"Well the operation was actually yesterday and you've been sleeping ever
since...about 18 hours, we were starting to get worried about you" Brian
answered.
"You were worried about me?" I said and felt like crying.
This can't be happening to me...
"We were wondering, you seem to know who we are, but we don't know anything
about you, only your name and your uncle told us that." AJ said.
"Well I'm 16, I live in here Florida, I live with uncle Will and aunt Maria,
'cause my parents died in a plane crash a couple of years ago. I don't have any
siblings, but lots of friends." I told them.
"Oh God, I'm sorry for your parents, it must have been hard for you" Brian said
and squeezed my hand.
"It's okay, I have learned to live with it." I smiled at him.
"What are you guys going to do now, any new tours or albums coming up? I asked.
"Well we decided to just chill and keep a break for a while and then we'll start
to work with the new album" AJ answered.
Now or never I thought. "Umh could you do me a favor?" I asked
"Anything, girl, anything." AJ said. " Can I have your autographs?" I looked at
them wondering what their reaction would be.
"Of course you can, why do you even ask, we would have given them to you
anyway." Nick smiled. I handed him a paper and they all signed it.
"We have to go now, and let you rest. We'll see you later" Kevin said. They all
hugged me and left the room. I looked at the paper and smiled.
They were so nice to me. But I was afraid to see Howie face to face. What he
would think about me? I wasn't going to tell the boys, but Howie was actually my
favorite of them. I loved his eyes, they were like a refelection of his soul...
~a week later~
I walked out of the hospital's door and took a bus at home.
I had missed normal life, hospitals were sometimes very stressful.
My room was just like before the operation, nothing had changed. I watched all
the posters on my walls. It's funny, they looked different now, maybe that was,
because I knew the real people behind those faces. And I liked what I saw.
chapter 3
Three months have gone by. I'm back in my normal life, but one thing kinda
disturbs me. I still haven't seen or talked to Howie. Doesn't he want to see me?
Is he angry at me? I have been in contact with the other boys, they sent me
their new album and they either call, write or come to visit, when they have
time.
First time when I found Nick behind my door, I was schoked, but hey, the poor
guy needed help of buying a birthday present to Leslie. And little after that AJ
asked me to go shopping with him...The list goes on and on. They are the
funniest people to hang around with. But even when they all came to visit, Howie
isn't with them.
I see him in television and hear his voice in the album, but he never contacts
me.
When reporters ask him about the operation, he goes very guiet and tries to
avoid the guestion. I asked about it from the other guys, but they won't tell
me.
"Sam, Brian is on the phone!" Uncle Will shouted downstairs. "I'll get it!" I
shouted back.
In a concert Howie can't avoid me anymore. He has to talk to me, I thought.
But at the same time I was a bit scared. It would be so weird to see him face to
face. I still remembered what it was like, when I saw other Backstreet Boys at
the first time.
At the door was a security check and the they let me in. I told the guys I'd
come to backstage after the concert. My place was at the middle of the front
row.
I got some jelous looks from the girls behind me, but I did my best trying to
avoid them.
The arena was full, the tickets were sold out immediatly, when they came for
sell. Lights went out and the place was filled with excitment and screems. Star
Trek music started. I looked up and there they were flying above me. AJ noticed
me and waved.
Immediately when they got to the stage, Larger Than Life started and the guys
took their places. I laughed when all the guys did something funny in front of
me. Howie was starting to give them confused looks and the guys just laughed at
him.
The show was awesome, I loved every moment of it. The guys did a great job.
When Back To Your Heart came on I almost had tears in my eyes it was so
beautiful and the song was so sweet. I loved that song.
After the concert it took a little time, before I got out of there. I noticed a
security gueard and tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, how I could get to
the backstage?" I showed him my pass and he nodded. "Right this way miss."
He leaded me behind the stage and pointed me five doors. "Guys should come out
soon." I thanked him and took a chair for myself. "Sam you're here!" Brian
shouted as he stepped out from his dressing room. He came to hug me and soon
after him Kev came out and hugged me too. "We're so glad you decided to come!" I
hugged him back. "I wouldn't miss this in the world." I said. AJ and Nick came
out and they both hugged me. "Now D is only one missing." Kev said. "Guys, are
you sure this is a good idea, does he even know, that I'm here?" I asked. "No he
doesn't, because if he would, he'd just run away again, he has to face you some
day. I guess he just doesn't want to remember the operation and avoiding you is
one way to do that." Kev explained.
Howie stepped out looked at us. He came closer and just one look into his eyes
made my knees weak. Gosh they were even more beautiful than in the pictures. I
felt Kevin's hand on my shoulder and freeze. "Howie, come here, here is someone
you should meet." Kevin said. Howie looked at me and it took all my strenght to
look him back.
"D this is Sam, Sam this is Howie, we'll leave you two alone now." Kev said and
with that they all left. I couldn't look Howie nomore. Thoughts kept running
through my head, why he hadn't contaced me, what he would think of me? I was
about to run away from the room when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Howie spinned
me around, so that I was facing him. He looked at me carefully and suddenly
pulled me in a hug. I started to cry softly into his shoulder. Howie still
didn't say anything, just caressed my back. I pulled away and wiped my tears.
"Sam, I'm sorry I didn't contact you earlier, it's just that first I was too
confused and I didn't know what to say and then I was afraid what you would
think of me. And I truly hope, that you don't hate me for this." Howie looked at
me. How could I say no to those eyes? "It's ok and I forgive you." I smiled at
him. "Thank you." He said and hugged me again.
We talked for a long while about the operation and our feelings before and after
that.
Howie was an amazing person to talk with. He didn't interuppt you, just listened
and gave you his point of view, if you asked for it.
~ a year later~
The End
Today I would get out of the hospital. I was kinda dissapointed, I hadn't seen
Howie at all. The other boys had visited to me almost every day and we had
become really good friends.
-"Hi Sam! Great to hear your voice, what's up?"
-"Hi B-Rok! Nothing much, how's life on the tour?"
-"It's cool, but guess what, we're having a concert in Tampa next week and guess
who'll get a front row ticket and a backstage pass!?!"
-"You're not talking about me, are you?"
-"Of course I am, and we are expecting to see you there too!"
-"Thank you so much, it'll be so great to see you!"
-"You too, I gotta go now, we have a soundcheck to do."
-"Ok bye, I'll see ya in a week then."
-"Yeah bye." Brian hang up.
-"Sam I can't believe you're here!" I turned around and came face to face with
Polly Anna. "Hi, it's been a while, how are you?" I asked and hugged her. I have
kept contact with Howie's family and became good friends with Polly Anna,
sometimes she came to visit me with the boys and we always had a blast. "Are you
on the tour with the guys?" I asked. "I wasn't from the beginnig, but I joined
them for the rest of the tour." She answered.
Everything has been great since the day when I went to the concert. The guys
invited me to join them for the rest of the tour and it was the best two months
of my life.
All the guys are very close to me, they're like brothers.
I don't know what it is, but Howie is probably the closest one to me. Maybe
it's, because what happened a year ago. But I know one thing, no matter how
small or big my problems are I can turn to him, he'll listen and understand, he
always does.
And he will always be right there, by my side.
Mail to Taru