When running a race, you are supposed to keep your head up. There are two reasons behind this. First, it keeps your body in alignment, so as not to unnecessarily expend energy. Second, it forces you focus on a point on the horizon, which helps keep from thinking about how tired you are and drives you to reach that point. Letting your head hang and focusing on the five feet in front of you will only make you tired faster. Besides, who wants to stare at concrete, dirt, or rubber composite for an hour when there are much more beautiful and interesting things around you?
The same can be said for those going through a divorce, specifically those who are being left.
As a runner and as someone who has recently gone through the process, I can assure you that it is true. So much scenery has changed. There are different faces all around me. My eyes see the world in a new way. I look back now and wonder how I got to where I am at presently. It feels frighteningly similar to exploring a new trail that leads you to a place you haven’t been to in years.
Divorce is one of the most painful processes that a person can experience. Perhaps even more painful than having a spouse pass. Knowing that your husband or wife no longer loves you the way that you still love them is more painful than death. The person whom you devoted your life to has turned their back on you, leaving you alone. The prospect of waking up to brave the world is scarier now. There aren’t any arms to wrap around you. No lips to comfort you. No eyes searching your soul. The bed is cold. The house is emptier. Everything seems mundane.
Everyone tells you things to try to cheer you up, but nothing seems to work. The sight of another couple kissing makes you quickly look away. Work is a series of motions. Friends seem to be distant. Everyone appears to be moving on with their lives except you. You feel stuck. You just want to go to sleep and wake up from this terrible nightmare. You cannot believe that things will get better, when they only seem to get worse. The deeper you get, the darker it becomes.
The most wonderful thing about life is that you cannot relive the past. Once that moment has occurred it is done. Take solace in that because it means it cannot dictate what you choose to do next. It isn’t in control of your life, you are. As impossible as it seems to be able to take the reins and steer your life in the direction you want to go, it isn’t. The path isn’t easy, but anything worth something isn’t easy.
Our stories are all different, but under it all, we share a bond. We were all hurt deeply, whether we were married for a year or twenty, by a spouse who no longer reciprocated what we were giving. Man or woman, young or old, we can all relate to one another on that term. That is the foundation of our support groups. That is what binds us together and has us nodding in unison when a story is told. I think you will come to find that our biggest source of pain is also our biggest inspiration.
In the beginning we experience denial. This isn’t really happening to me. He/she promised that it will never happen again. He/she just needs some time alone. It was a one time thing. Everyone strays once. The list of catchphrases we come up with and use goes on and on. We’re hurt so deeply that we cannot fathom the reality of the situation. Our minds go into overdrive to prevent the heart from bearing the brunt of the pain.
As time goes on, reality sets in and the brain slows down enough to see what is going on. The heart consequently suffers in the process. We start to see reality. The reality is that, chances are, we’re going to be alone through this process. Our spouse has left, physically, emotionally, or both. The person whom we leaned on in tough times isn’t there to lean on anymore. So where do we go?
We start out by leaning on our family. Mom’s or dad’s arms never felt so welcoming or comforting. The shoulder to cry on never seemed to get wet. We are allowed to babble as long as we need to without someone falling asleep or trying to change the subject. Ears and hearts are open as long as needed. And how they are needed! We find that members of our family can provide the most unconditional love a human can.
You learn who your real friends are quickly. They are the ones who are willing to drop what they are doing and offer to drive nine hours just to be with you. They are the ones who listen every morning at work to the struggles you had the night before. They are the ones that look you in the eyes with compassion and care, knowing that you need them there. They stay up late with you, hold you when you need it, and don’t think any less of you when you call them asking for help while crying uncontrolably. Good friends are hard to come by and difficult times will prove just how good they are.
Things are still difficult, but you find yourself crying every other day instead of every day. You aren’t sitting around with the phone within arms reach awaiting a call from your spouse. You aren’t sending text messages every day. You don’t check your email every 15 minutes. You’ve decided that sitting around the house isn’t helping you anymore. You start to go out with your friends once a week. You pick up a new hobby or delve deeper into an existing one. Suddenly you find yourself looking for things to occupy your time. You attempt to fill as much of your free time as possible. Whether you know it or not, your mind is diverting you away from thinking too much.
In high school I had been a long distance runner. It was something that always helped me cope with problems. I was able to hit the trail and think about nothing but where I was going and how I felt. It cleared my head. At nearly 200lbs, I couldn’t exactly lace up the shoes and run 15 miles again. So I started ice skating. Hockey has been a passion of mine for years, but I had never played. I started hitting a local rink four days a week to build my cardio and stamina again. Soon enough I joined a gym, where I began weight training again.
I suddenly found myself with a routine. Monday and Wednesday were days I lifted weights. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday were days I skated. And that is how the winter of my divorce process went. Every week for four months I skated like that. Once winter was over and the rink closed, I had lost enough weight to start running again. Presently I am down to just over 170lbs and I feel better than I ever have.
There is a unique connection between the mental, emotional and physical aspects of the body. Typically, when you neglect one, the others suffer. When you work on one, the others prosper. My mental and emotional were devestated from my wife cheating on me, and my body was shutting down. The exercise saved me though. By working on my physical, I was able to work on the mental and emotional as well. I learned how to train my body again and I could train my mental and emotional the same way.
I quickly found myself reading books again. I was reading three at a time. Politics, science, and philosophy. I was taking in as much as I could. Soon enough I was writing again. I was putting together both poetry and prose. I was unloading pent up emotions onto the page, oftentimes so vigorously that I would tear the page with the tip of my pen. All I wanted was that feeling of sweet release. When you somehow take that sadness inside of you and manifest it outside of your flesh, into the body of a poem. It feels like you beat it, like you have control of it.
Right around the time the sadness starts to pack a daybag, anger and bitterness check in. You no longer weep about the loss of your partner, you just want them to die, or at least catch a non-life threatening STD. The overwhelming feelings of hate consume you so at times that you find your adreneline flowing, ready to pound whomever looks at you the wrong way. You got burned badly and want revenge. You plot intricate schemes that result in your former partner getting burned just as badly as you were. A taste of their own medicine so to speak. Chances are you don’t act out on them, because you know deep down that you will only feel guilty about it later. It’s fun to daydream, nonetheless.
Justification for the anger and bitterness is easy. You say, “at least I’m not sad anymore!” Your MP3 playlist no longer is full of songs about lost love, rather, it is packed with anger-laden tunes about betrayal. The tone has shifted from somber to hard. You are looking for that release wherever you can find it. Your gym routine has suddenly picked up. You are lifting more weight and/or running faster or further. It drives you. If you can harness it, it can be a very powerful tool to aid in your recovery. If left unchecked, you can do a lot of damage to yourself and others. Most of us have the self-restraint to keep it in control.
Just about the time the anger and bitterness begins to subside you see that time continues not to wait for anyone, especially your ex, and you see that they are dating already or in a relationship with the person they left you for, before the divorce is even finalized. In an instant, you feel the tidal wave of emotions crash over you. As you get pounded into the reef of loneliness, despair, anger, hate, and dishonesty, you just sort of go limp. You shut down because fighting back isn’t going to get you anywhere. You have to wait until you are washed up on the beach to stand back up. Now you are faced with a decision. You can either stay on the beach where it is safe, or wade back out and face your problems head on. I chose to swim, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
We usually discover that the more difficult the task, the sweeter success feels. Dealing with your emotions is hard. They are things that are seemingly uncontrolable. They come unannounced and with devestating power. With work, you can learn to turn the volume down on them. You will never be able to turn them off, because they make us human. When you see your ex with the other person and feel that wave of hate crashing on you, and somehow you manage to quickly close your eyes, take a deep breath, and turn the volume down, you suddenly feel better. The anger subsides and you are left with a feeling of acomplishment. Soon enough you are doing this more and more often. You are finding that you are regaining control of the emotions you had lost control of. You begin to see progress in the process.
Acceptance is a difficult thing. Part of the reason you are angry is because you are accepting the fact that you will soon be alone. That there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. But just as you are now better at dealing with your emotions, you are better at dealing with acceptance. Long talks with friends and family help you see that you did the best you could, that you were the best spouse you could have been, and that this will prepare you for something better. You still have difficulty believing that, but it doesn’t seem as unreasonable as it used to. Maybe this is happening for a reason!
Once you have boarded the acceptance train, everything gets easier, at least for a little while. You are more comfortable knowing that you are single again, even though the prospect of dating sounds disgusting. You start to think about how strong you are and how much better off you are for taking the time to yourself to grieve and heal. You find yourself enjoying time to yourself again, not fearing it like you did just a few months previously. Life isn’t as bad as it used to be.
Soon enough papers are signed, property is divided, good-byes are said, and ways are parted. If you have children, custody is awarded and support is assigned. The only contact you have is because of the kids. For those without children, contact is hopefully unnecessary. You go on with your daily life. You go to work, go out with friends, and do the things you have been doing to get you through all of this. Only their purpose has shifted. You no longer need to do them, you want to do them. Goals are restored, challenges resumed, and desire has returned. Suddenly dating doesn’t seem so bad. Infact, it is almost appealing. You feel good about yourself. You like who you have become. Gasp. Is that happiness you are feeling?
There are still bad days. You can’t help that. I still get a day here or there that flat out stinks. There will always be bad days. They just get fewer and farther between. You’ve learned how to deal with them though. They don’t consume you entirely, but only for a moment. Yes, sometimes you stumble, but maybe, just maybe it prevents a fall from occuring.
Suddenly you find yourself on a date. You don’t quite know how you got here, but there is no turning back now. Whether the date goes well or not is irrellevant because you didn’t have any feelings of guilt or desire for your ex-spouse. Maybe there is a second date, and possibly a kiss. It is like riding a bike, trust me. You don’t forget. The sixth grade nerves do come back however. You feel like a kid again when you get that first kiss. The best part is that you deserve it. You deserve to be happy again. Everything you have worked on is paying off, one piece at a time.
Maybe those dates lead to something, maybe they don’t. It doesn’t matter anymore because you are comfortable with yourself, finally, again. You know that in time someone will come into your life that you deserve and that deserves you. The future doesn’t seem so daunting. It doesn’t seem impossible. The past seems so far away. Your ex is just another memory, another person you used to know.
Divorce isn’t an ending, it is a beginning. It is another chance at a new life. You can recreate yourself however you choose. Personally, I have become more outgoing, more carefree, and there is almost always a smile on my face. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. It all comes down to attitude. Attitude is everything. If you can see the positives in the worst, you can handle anything. A smile will get you further than a frown ever will.
Here you are. Look at yourself and see how far you’ve come. When your focus is on the horizon and not on the space five feet in front of you, you have a better perspective on how to handle problems as they come at you. You can prepare for them. So keep that head up. Be proud of what you have trudged through. Use it as a source of inspiration when some other difficulty comes your way. If you can get through a divorce, you can get through anything.