Welcome to Zoë 's Zone. I am glad you stopped by.
I have decided to change things a little.
***For Zoë***
I know that life's been hard on you,
I've seen your many scars.
And you shine throughout it all,
Still reaching for the stars.
Your on a very rocky road and you've come so very far
But I see you piling rocks on rocks
To reach those brillant stars.
Your courage and the strength you show
When it seems that all has failed,
Makes me see you in a different light,
So bright the stars have paled.
You've made it through rough times before,
You'll make it once again
I'm just so proud to tell the world
That is Zoë, my Best Friend.
written by Robbin.
I am the Mother of a beautiful little girl who came in this world January 7, 1989. My loving husband is just a little bit older.
I am a “jack of all trade’s” in the female form. I will keep this simple. I want to share the renewed love for life I have. Zoe is the Greek name for Life. I haven’t always liked my name, until I reaped the true life I have been given.
I am not that odd, but I have a disease people don’t know how to react positevly to. I say I am HIV+, and they turn the other way. For this reason, I need to write, and hopefully have just one person appreciate it, and let me know.
**My daughter Candice and I.**
I was given up at 6 weeks old. My Mother found my Father in the shower with another man. Yes, I spelled that right. This Mother and Father weren’t a part of my life till I was 13. And I have not completed my quest.
My Father was 6’5 or so and a transvestite. Some of you should know this word and if you don’t know, don’t bother looking it up. Webster never knew a transvestite, or maybe he did. Anyway, he didn’t know Jackie Lorenz, my Father.
I was living on the West Coast at the time my Father became a part of my life. It was through a lot of toil that this happened.
In reality it was an escape from the life I was living in Foster homes and Group homes. I never fit. I really didn’t want to be like those around me, I was born an adventurer!! I say I am part gypsy to back up my travels. Not only did I hitchhike from West to East Coast, I did it a few times.
I felt compelled with my need to find and meet my real parents. I knew they would love me, they had to, I was their child. Well, I met my Father, and I called him Jackie. This was a lot easier to swallow being intimidated at the size of his chest.
I found a lot more than I ever expected. I met my first junkie. My Father. This I knew nothing about until I was addicted to Herion. Not such a tender state for a new teen. I dwelled with him off and on and started feeling like a traveling pharmacy for my Father and myself. We both medicated ourselves to be rid of the nasty world outside.
Now I find myself, having AIDS, and living with that last glance I received from my Father while attending his bedside awaiting that last inhale from his chest. There it was….AIDS in my face.
My Father died August 23, 1992. I now have his ashes so they may be encumbered comfortably next to me, in my final resting-place. I was blessed with a healthy little girl 11 years old now. She and my husband are my life force. My energies to live are drained from these two sources in my life.
I am still LOOKING for a Bonnie Alexandria Bell (maiden name) to fulfill my quest. She is my biological Mother. She gave me up, and under the circumstances, I really do understand. She married my Father and lived on 1069 Duffrin Street in Toronto, Ontario when I was born. My existing family is very much avoiding my questions, and living with “ Zoë give it up,it is in the past. Leave it there". Well, that is not my nature.
I HAVE FOUND MY MOTHER, OR SHOULD I SAY MY HALF BROTHER FOUND ME. MARCH OF 2003 I GOT A NOTE FROM HIM. HE HAS GIVEN ME MUCH NEEDED INFORMATION ABOUT MY MOTHER. I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS SITE AND TO HIM. MAY YOU ALL JOURNEY ON. MUCH LOVE.
I am much involved with my local AIDS organizations, and have my hands full a lot of the time. I have been an activist since 1989, after the birth of my Daughter. I have attended more funerals in my life than I have weddings and baby showers combined. When I was in my 20’s it hit the hardest. I knew this wasn’t a typical life for a woman of my stature. With my love of people I want to help another who may be facing the same things I am. I really wasn’t prepared to deal with my own mortality. Today, I welcome this fact, with so much less fear and insecurity.
I have bought my plot and will be buried in Cave Hill Cemetery, aside my husband, next to his Brother and our Uncle. All four places will be the final rest stop for us. All of us became infected with HIV. I believe all of us will have AIDS on our Death Certificate. And they tell me to stop smoking….I would rather have Cancer on my Death Certificate than AIDS. Sounds wrong, and in fact I have let as many people know I am HIV+, and let them decide to avoid me. I share with this as many schools as people that will listen to me. I have been clean of the drugs since 1985, when I was given 6 months to live.
No, not AIDS, but a near fatal dance with Endocarditis. My aorta heart valve was infected and my choices were having an artificial valve put in to replace the diseased one, or die. At 17, I denied the surgery (I didn’t want the horrible scar) and left New York back to the West Coast. I couldn’t have done anything wiser at this point in my life.
Here I am now, living for the moments to come and waiting for some to pass. I would like to express this to as many youth as I can. I know you will do what YOU want to do. It is in your nature. Please think before you act. It only takes once.
I did find myself through all the garbage I piled up over 15 years of my life…and to be honest, it really hurts. It is OK for me to cry today and put down that horrible hurt inside myself. It is love and only love that pulled me through.
To see the angel in the malady requires an eye for the invisible, a certian blinding of one eye and opening of the other to elsewhere.
Last updated on January 22, 2006.
Thanks for the free web page!!
Her is my poem for Zoë. I wrote it in October 2004.
I miss those carefree days of yesteryears
When all we had was each othermiss her sweet smell
I miss her blue eyes
I miss conversations with her that made no sense
those late nite ice runs
I miss the color of fall leaves and walks in the park with my sweetie
I miss the art shows
and one can not forget endless weekends spent at the flea markets
where she would always get gifts that she never sent to whom they were intended for
and those weekends mornings where I would awake to find the zoester gone
but I always knew she was out at the yard sales where she would be gone for 8 hours or more
where she would bring home more shit than our house could hold
I miss the many live bands we saw, where she would always want to get closer to get an autograph
There is more than once she was successful at that task
I miss those late nite chinese runs
I miss those endless doctors appointment
I miss the pill bottles
I miss all the things i used to bitch about
if only i had more time with her
I miss her many trips to the ER where she would always rebound and we all thought she would rebound from this last time,
She over came so much in her life.
Even she did not want to believe that she was dying
Telling friends about her last stay in the hospital was due to the heat of the summer and food poisoning from a bad lobster
now I will live with her spirit of life and she will always be with me in my heart
but most of all i miss my wife.
That is my poem for Zoe. And I still miss her and I am thinking about her. She lives on in my memory. Thank you for visiting.
Here are some sites to help you locate information about HIV and AIDS. Only You can help yourself with this disease. Knowledge is POWER.
About your HIV+body
More about your body
Thanx for the graphics!
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