Question Answer Jokes

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Q. What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?
A. Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times
Q. What do you call a sheep that does housework?
A. A threat to women everywhere.
Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. Did you hear about the lesbian who took Viagra?
A. She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week!
Q. How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
A. It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
Q. What's black & white and tells the pope to FUCK OFF?
A. A nun that's just won the lottery.
Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.
Q: Do you know how to cook toilet paper?
A: Me neither, but I can brown it on one side.
Q: When do you know you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What's the definition of saturated fat?
A: Rush Limbaugh in a hot tub.
Q. What should a guy do when his girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills?
A. Give her a good tongue lashing.
Q. What goes into thirteen twice?
A. Michael Jackson.
Q. What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world?
A. A girl who is free for the evening.
Q. What is the definition of true male eloquence?
A. When a guy can describe Dolly Parton without using his hands.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What is a zebra?
A: Twenty-six sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.
Q: Is this water healthy for swimming?
A: Absolutely! It's well water.
Q: What classroom table doesn't have any legs?
A: The multiplication table.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does chicken come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What's worse than an octopus with tennis elbow?
A: A centipede with athlete's foot.
Q: What is the first part of a geography book?
A: The table of continents.
Q: What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?
A: A hoarse-fly.
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: So they can stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why does Smokey the Bear have flat feet?
A: So he can stamp out flaming ducks!
Q: What is a frog's favorite game?
A: Croaket
Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak
Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.
Q. What is the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy.
Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.
Q: How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?
A: "Pi'tew... Spit... Pi'tew... Spit..."
Q: What do you say to a man who you've just had sex with?
A: Say whatever you want... he's asleep.
Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.
Q: Heard about the Irish Sea Scout?
A: His tent sank when he went camping!
Q: How do you get an Irishman to burn his ears?
A: Phone him while he's ironing!
Q: What do you call an Irishman with half a brain?
A: A genius!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A: A monster that sucks the blood out of kneecaps.
Q: What single word might you say to Bo Derek that would really piss her off?
A: Urinate!
Q. What did the German bisexual woman do?
A: Went down on her Hans and niece.
Q: What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of laundry.
Q: Why was there lipstick on the blonde's steering wheel?
A: She tried to blow the horn.
Q: Why do girls have belly-button rings?
A: So you can hang an air freshener.
Q. What do you call a truck driver that masturbates?
A. An owner operator.
Q. If you get malaria from mosquitoes and Lyme disease from ticks, what insect do you catch AIDS from?
A. Ass-hoppers.
Q. What do you call a man in a tiger's cage?
A. Claude
Q: How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: What do you call stairs that are scared?
A: Scairs.
Q: What has four eyes and can't see?
A: Mississippi.
Q: What do you call a cow with only two legs?
A: Lean Beef.
Q: What do you call a woman without an asshole?
A: Single
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
Q. What's the difference between a brothel and a sorority?
A. The brothel makes money.
Q. How do you know when you have an over bite?
A. When you eat pussy and it tastes like crap.
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a bad back?
A: A Backasaurus!
Q: Why were all the ink spots crying?
A: Their father was in the pen.
Q: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
A: The food is terrific, but there's no atmosphere.
Q. How does a midget reveal to everyone that he's gay?
A. He comes out of the cupboard
Q. What do you get when you cross a tomcat and a turkey?
A. A pussy gobbler.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rabbit and an owl?
A. A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
A: Vote.
Q: Why don't roosters have hands?
A: Chickens don't have tits.
Q: Where do generals keep their armies?
A: Up their sleevies.
Q: What's always behind time?
A: The back of a clock?
Q. How do deaf gynecologists work?
A. They read lips.
Q. Who in the hospital takes care of blue balls?
A. The head nurse.
Q: Is this water healthy for swimming?
A: Absolutely! It's well water.
Q: What classroom table doesn't have any legs?
A: The multiplication table.
Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, what kind of tree does chicken come from?
A: A poul-tree.
Q: What's worse than an octopus with tennis elbow?
A: A centipede with athlete's foot.
Q: What is the first part of a geography book?
A: The table of continents.
Q: What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?
A: A hoarse-fly.
Q: What is a frog's favorite game?
A: Croaket
Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak
Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.
Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two Scottish businessmen fighting over a penny.
Q: What is the difference between a tax collector and taxidermist?
A: The taxidermist leaves the hide.
Q: How does a blonde hemophiliac cure herself?
A: With acupuncture.
Q: What do you call a circle of blondes?
A: A dope ring.
Q: How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
A: All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Q: What are the three things homosexuals like most?
A: To eat, drink, and be Mary.
Q: How are blonds and postage stamps alike?
A: You lick'em, stick'em, and send them away.
Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A: Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a 'quickie', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall it's series of stamps depicting famous lawyers ?
A. People were confused about which side to spit on.
Q. Why is that dog running in circles?
A. It's a watchdog, and it's winding itself up.
Q. What did the five-hundred-pound mouse say when it walked into the alley?
A: Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Q: What did one toe say to the other?
A: Don't look now, but there's a heel following us.
Q: What do you do if you smash your toe?
A: You call a toe truck.
Q: What is a ringleader?
A: The first one in a bathtub.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Its horns don't work.
Q: What did the baby porcupine say when it backed into the cactus?
A: Is that you, Mother?
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: There's something between us that smells.
Q: Why does an elephant have a trunk?
A: So that it has someplace to hide when it sees a mouse.
Q: Why does an elephant like peanuts?
A: It can send in the wrappers for prizes.
Q: What goes clomp, clomp, clomp, swish?
A: An elephant with wet sneakers.
Q: Why did the frog go to the hospital?
A: He needed a "hopperation" !
Q: What do stylish frogs wear?
A: Jumpsuits!
Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?
A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."
Q: What do you call a skeleton under the bed?
A: The winner of a hide and seek game.
Q: What goes "VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH, VROOOM-SCREECH?"
A: A blonde at a flashing red light.
Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?
A: The brunette, the blonde would stop to ask for directions.
Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call 2 blondes in the freezer?
A: Frosted flakes.
Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: Both are empty from the neck up.
Q: Why do men have holes at the end of their penis?
A: So they can think with an open mind.
Q: What can Life Savers do that man can't?
A: Come in five flavors.
Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: Stick your finger in his honey.
Q: What do a near-sighted gynecologist, and a puppy have in common?
A: They both have wet noses.
Q: Did you hear that Bill Gates was buying a church?
A: Now you will have to go through "Gates" before getting into heaven.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton wake Bill up at 5:00 every morning to have sex?
A: Because she enjoys being the *First* lady...
Q: What do you call a fatso whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled!
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalottapuss
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Rumpisaur
Q: How is a penis like fishing?
A: The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.
Q: Why do blondes write "TGIF" on their sneakers?
A: To remind them that "Toes Go In First."
Q: Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie?
A: They heard that under 17 was not admitted.
Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?
A: A slip of the tongue with either and you're in deep shit.
Q: Did you hear about the new paint by Benjamin Moore.
A: It's called "Blonde". It's not real bright but it spreads real easy.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. Why is sex a lot like air?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why was the blonde excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 11 months?
A: Because the box said "2-4 years."
Q: Why do lawyers wear ties? A: So their foreskins don't creep up over their face.
Q: What's the similarity between a fat chick and a tricycle?
A: There both funky to ride but you don't tell anyone!
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 100?
A: Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Q: Why do folks in Louisiana go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
Q: Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
A: A hooker can clean her crack and sell it again.
Q: Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: So they don't have to sleep in the wet spot.
Q. What does it mean when a West Virginia baby drools out of both sides of his mouth?
A. The trailer is level.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why did the man give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she didn't like the slippers she could go fuck herself.
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