There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!
Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice,
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
There was a knight named Sir Lancelot
Who went to parties and danced a lot
When making a pass
At a young pretty lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot!
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who had to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used wallpaper paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
There once was a man from Boston.
The car he drove was an Austin.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out so he lost 'em.
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a bra for his balls.
A pretty young maiden from France,
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go,
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
A nymphomaniac named Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
The sky was dark.
The moon was high.
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft.
Her eyes were blue.
I knew just what She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft.
Her legs so fine I ran my fingers down her spine.
I didn't know how, but I tried my best.
I started by placing my hands on her breast.
I remember my fear.
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread.
Her legs apart.
And when I did it, I felt no shame.
All at once, the white stuff came.
At last it's finished.
It's all over now -- my first time ever, at milking a cow...
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said: "It's a sin
But now that it's in
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There once was a man named Mort,
Whose dick was incredibly short.
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said,
"That's not a dick it's a wart!"
Ginger was feeling quite gruff
Till he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
There once was a fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin' his gherkin
His mother said, "Perkin,
Stop jerkin' your gherkin -
Your gherkin's for ferkin' not jerkin'."
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."
The sea captain's tender young bride
fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
that some of the eels
had discovered a dark place to hide.
Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, "You're a tight 'un."
She replied, "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right 'un."
A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too."
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her Kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
Now he had a big one, didn't he!
Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke
Made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this friendly bovine
Now they call him the old cowpoke!
There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you'd guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.
There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
"Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you."
More to come
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