Helping the Drunks Under Garrett Bridge Since 1999

My senior year in high school has made me aware of many of the problems that now face the world.  One of these problems has now recently hit very close to home.  Though over 90% of my fellow classmates suffer from it, I never considered alcoholism to be a problem that concerned me.  That was before I learned my older brother, now a Freshmen in college, was also an alcoholic.  I just couldn't believe it, or perhaps just wasn't willing to.  Before, I had always thought that the changes in his attitude and personality were due to his ignorance.  It turns out I was only half right, his problem with drinking played a part in it too.  Ignoring it or pretending that it's not true like I did will not help the problem go away, we must take action.  Thus, it is my pleasure to introduce the PonyBoy Foundation, an organization dedicated to helping those who have lost their souls and beings to alcoholism.

Our Mission...

The mission of The PonyBoy Foundation is simple but not all an easy one.  Our goal is to be able to offer hope to those whose lives are so pathetic that they have nothing more to live for than drinking.  Furthermore, we want to help these people become productive and well respected members of society.

The Road to Healing...

We at the PonyBoy Foundation like to think of everyone, well almost everyone (sorry you know who), as our friend, and we'd like to have you think of  us that way as well.  That is why when you let us help you, it will be as if you are receiving help from your very best friends.  And as your best friends, we won't offer any kindness, understanding, or compassion.   Heck no, none of that pansy stuff here!  Instead, we will do our very best to ridicule you and your problem until you are so ashamed of yourself you won't ever want to drink again......just like a true friend would do.  This procedure begins by first admitting you have a problem......to EVERYONE!  Your mother, friends, pastor, the police, various tabloid magazines......they all have a right to know and can help in achieving your goal.  We'll even go as far as posting your name, address, and telephone number on the Internet's infamous "Stupid People Who Drink & Should Be Made Fun Of" website.  That way, you can be ridiculed by people you don't even know from other parts of the world right in the privacy of your own home.  And that's just the beginning.  Because once everyone knows of your problem, no matter where you go, whether it be down or the street or to the corner, there will always be someone there to stare and snicker at you......a constant reminder that you shouldn't drink.  Now that's friendship!

How Much For Help?

The PonyBoy Foundation doesn't want any money!  That's right, absolutely no money needed!  We are more than happy to make fun of you, I mean, help you for nothing.  Remember, PonyBoy.Com's first and foremost mission is to spread corniness to the far reaches of the globe.  A recent study proved that being drunk tends to cause people to find corniness as hilarious, a direct violation of the corny joke teller's Code of Corniness.  We must end alcoholism so that corniness can continue to spread throughout the world.

Other Services...

The PonyBoy Foundation is also a worldwide partner in ending other afflictions of humanity.  By helping to deal with alcoholism we are purifying an individual's soul, but we also want to purify the world.  That's why I'm happy to announce our newest campaign, "It's Not Nice to Be Ignorant."  That's right, we want to end the problem of ignorance in the world......and yes more than 90% of my classmates and brother suffer from this as well.  Perhaps you are one of the many who are saying, "But PonyBoy, ignorance is not a problem."  And if you are, you are probably ignorant as well and deserved to be beaten severely.  Ignorance is a problem, and it's not getting any better.

But how do you get rid of ignorance?  Unfortunately, unlike alcoholism, we can't ridicule people and expect the problem to go away, they are just too stupid to realize they are being made fun of.  Instead, we have to deal with it in other ways.  First, we must stop the ignorance before it starts.  Therefore, if you are a young ignorant male, we recommend castrating you as soon as possible.  That way you cannot continue to contaminate the planet.

Next, we will cast all the ignorant people of the world into a hole larger than the Grand Canyon.  Located in Hell Hole, Mississippi and being more than 100 miles deep,  this lovely and deserted wasteland so barren that nothing can possibly exist there will provide hours of endless entertainment as those who are not ignorant watch those who are fight one another simply to survive, thereby ultimatley destroying themselves.  So who has the popcorn!

So How Do We Get Started?

We can't possibly achieve our goals on our own.  That's why we need your help.  If you know someone who is an alcoholic or is just plain ignorant, then send their name, address, telephone number, and measurements (for pretty girls only) to the PonyBoy Foundation.  We will help and/or beat them accordingly.  Thank You!