HuMoR qUoTeS (and stuff to make you smile)

~ Don't worry about what other people say about you, it can't be half as bad as what you're thinking about them. ~

~ If you hear screaming, gunshots, explosions, arguing, and the rythmic sounds of someone banging their head against the wall, don't worry. It's just people realizing it's Monday. ~

~ My family tree's a stump, and the gene pool could use a filter. ~

~ Silence is golden, but screaming is more fun! ~

~ Too bad you can't buy voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. ~

~ There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. ~

~ How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. ~

~ If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that get's old real fast. ~

~ Seven days without laughter, equals one weak. ~

~ 98% of all statistics are made up. ~

~ When life hands you a lemon, stuff it in your bra. ~

~ If you want him to fall head over heals...give him something to trip over. ~

~ Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful..hate me cause your man thinks so! ~

~ It takes 40 muscles to create a frown..but it takes only 6 muscles to reach your arm out and smack who makes you frown. ~

~ If we do not suceed, then we run the risk of failure. ~

~ I know Kung Fu, Karate and 47 other dangerous words. ~

~ Madness takes it's toll -please have exact change. ~

~ Constipated people don't give a crap. ~

~ Life is a free circus, all you have to do is pay attention. ~

~ If God intended man to smoke he would have set him on fire. ~

~ I don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every minute of it. ~

~ When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste your tears on what might have been, just lie on your back and float. ~

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how...?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too Late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Hello? CHAIN SAW)

~ When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed? ~

~ Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" ~

~ If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? ~

~ If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? ~

~ Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? ~

~ You know the little indestructable black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of that substance? ~

~ If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the door? ~

~ Two cars collide head-on. Both are totally wrecked, but amazingly neither driver is hurt. The two drivers, one a man and the other a woman, crawl out of the wreckage. "Wow!" says the woman. "Just look at our cars. There's almost nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. The Lord must have Intended us to meet like this and be lifelong friends." The man replies, "I agree; this must be a sign from God!" Reaching inside the remains of her car, the woman continues, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together and celebrate our good fortune and new-found friendship!" With this, she hands the bottle to the man. Nodding his head in agreement, he opens it and takes several big swigs before handing it back to the woman. She takes it, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man. He looks puzzled and asks, "Aren't you having any?" "No," replies the woman, "I think I'll just wait for the police..." ~

~ Im not really enjoying talking to you, so lets not talk again real soon. Okay? ~

~ I have PMS and a gun, now what were you saying? ~

Men Are Like...

Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Little Mary was not the best student in Religion Class. Usually she slept through the whole period. One day Sister called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a smart ass boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good." Mary went back to sleep. A while later Sister asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep. Then Sister asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" And Sister fainted.

Your Momma's Is So Stupid......

Your mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

Your mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.

Your mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."

Your mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Your mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch.

Your mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had.

Your mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone."

Your mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her thoughts she'd have to make change.

Your mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.

Your mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.

Your mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.

Your mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Your mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics.."

Your mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.

Your mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F, and sometimes Wednesday.

Your mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says "Sign Here" she put Sagittarius.

Your mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.

Your mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.

Your mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah, Levis?"

Your mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x". I said Y; she said "'Cause I wanna know".

Your mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.

Your mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.

Your mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the bitch since.

Your mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.

Your mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.

BAD PICK UP LINES

1. hey baby , why don't u sit on my lap , and we'll talk about the first thing that POPZ up!!!

2. (motion for a girl 2 cum here with 1 finger), " if i could make u cum with thiz finger imagine what i could do with all five !"

3. if i told u that u had a nice body would u hold it against me ?

4. do u sleep on your stomach ? can i ?

5. i wanna use your thighz as earmuffs.

6. are those real ?

7. i may not be fred flintstone but i can sure make your bed rock .

8. ya know that shirt is very becoming on u ..... of course , if i was on u i would be cumming 2 .

9. the word of the day is legs , so lets go 2 my house and spread the word .

10. why dont you come over and we can do sum math in the bed ; add the bed , subtract the clothes , divide the legs , and ill multiply.

11. nice dress can i talk u out of it ?

12. Mmmm u bring new meaning to the word "edible"

13. so , u wanna see sumthing really swell ?

14.excuse me miss , do u give head to strangers ? (no) well , then allow me to introduce myself.

15. They call me milk cause i do your body good !

16. i miss my teddy bear . would u sleep with me ?

17. hi , do u want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) then , can we just practice ?

18. i know milk dose a body good , but DAMN how much u been drinking ?

19. you have 250 bones in your body , want another?

20. hey baby , can i tickle your belly from the inside?

21. wanna play army ? i'll lay down and u could blow the hell outta me .

22. yo baby , i bust more nuts then a squirrel

TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often: 54 times the sheets were clean 17 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headach 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because: 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND: I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did: 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV Of the times we did get together: The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? -- 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? -- 45 mins.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? -- Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? -- $3.99 a minute.

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead? -- The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? -- Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? -- Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? -- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? -- Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have men and floor tiles got in common? -- If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? --Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex? -- A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry? -- "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? -- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? -- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? -- A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -- A battery has a positive side

Only in the hood...

Now this is the ghetto !!!! A pregnant woman walked into a doctor's office to have an ultrasound. The doctor told her that she is going to have a little girl. He then asked her what she will name her daughter. She said, "Shenequa." He asked her, "Do you have any other children?" She said, "Five other daughters, and their names are also Shenequa." At that point the doctor asked, "How do you call them all home for dinner?" She replied, "That's easy I just yell, 'Shenequa, supper!' and they all come home." He then asked, "What if you're going somewhere?" She said, "That's easy too, I just say 'Shenequa, let's go!' and they all come running." He questioned her again, "What if you only want to speak with one of them?" "Well, then I just call them by their last name."

"I pity him because I get to walk away & be me, & he has to stay him y'know? And who wants to be him when you could be me?"

"I like guys a lot, but I'm not going to waste my time with some guy that doesn't see things the way I do… I mean do you really need this guy?"

"It's not even funny how much I hate you right now… because you put me through so much pain… & I've always let it go. But now… I look at you & laugh cuz you're just so dang pathetic."

"I'd tell you to burn in hell but when I'd die… I would have to see you again."

"Players only play cuz their afraid to give their hearts away."

"Just like I have learned to deal with the fact that Santa Claus isn't real… I have also learned to deal with the fact that neither are those guys in fairytales!"

"I found the perfect man, but you see, he's in Africa, & he's walking."

"The one thing guys just don't understand… is that us girls always know what's goin' on."

"The devil must have created your soul, cause only be could have made such a perfect a--hole."

"Some guys say 'suck it', I just sat 'No thanks, I choke on small objects.'"

"I wasn't born a b-tch, men like you made me this way."

"Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that one day your heart will break just like mine has… just a shame I can't be the one to do it."

"Time will heal my broken heart, just as time will heal his broken arms and legs."

"There's no such thing as a good guy… only a--holes that are good at acting."

"He broke your heart, shattered it like glass, when he comes crawling back-say hunny… kiss my a--."

"You're so perfect, you've got everything and you are way too cool to understand that you are out of line."

"Did you think I was blind? Did you think I couldn't see? Did you think I'd just dismiss your betrayal so easily? Sick and tired of your negativity. Sick and tired of your contradictions. You should understand in order to make change more than just words and ideologies are needed, you've gotta be down to earth, so get it through your head. Nobody appointed you any kind of leader. And to think that I once trusted you, I used to call you a friend. I can forgive but I can't forget, I won't be hurt by you again. You've got it in your mind that you've been appointed as some kind of leader." -GOB

"You know why you're so scared of being committed to me? I'll tell you why… you're scared that you might actually find yourself falling in love with me. And I don't think you're ready for that."

"So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair -ew- and cover it up with a backwards cap and we're supposed to swoon? I don't think so!" -Clueless

"One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions."

"Starlight… starbright… where the heck is Mr. Right?"

"When I first met him I thought he was everything I have ever wanted in a guy… that is until I actually met him."

"So tell me… if we're just friends, then why do you get mad when I'm with any other guy, but you?"

"You know what? You're a jerk, you're an idiot… and I hate you!!"

"Women's faults are many, but men only have two, everything they say and everything they do."

"This is national Moron Week, glad to see you participating."

"Men have sight. Women have insight."

"A man who wants to do something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse."

"If I promise to miss you, will you go away?"

"One man can make one woman hate all other men."

"Guys are players, that's a fact, don't fall in love, just play them back!"

"Don't play me… play the lotto… you gotta better chance of winning."

"Playing me isn't the easiest part of playing the game… it's playing you."

"I'm made of sugar and spice and I think diamonds are nice and if you are smart you will take my advice-my heart aint a play thing, it aint a toy and there aint no way in hell I'm gonna have it broken by some boy!"

"So live that you can look any man in the eye and tell him to go to hell."

"You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more water out of the pool."

"Every sweet guy loses flavor."

"No one can have a higher opinion of men than me… they're idiots!"

"You told me that you understood, and that you really cared… I never realized how cheap talk was."

"Guys are like hand bags, when you go out, you need the dress, you need the shoes, but do you really need the handbag? It looks nice, it's useful, but do you really need it?"

"I must admit.. you brought religion into my life. I never believed in hell till I met you."

"Every girl is looking for the 'perfect' guy… but if he were perfect he wouldn't be a guy."

"If I throw a stick, will you go away?

"You can't expect me to choose a boyfriend right away, that would be like eating the first pancake off the stove. You have to feed one to the dog."

"I know you think I'm cute. I know you think I'm fine, but like all the rest of the boys… take a number and wait in line."

"I would tell you to go to Hell, but all dogs go to Heaven."

"Life's a bitch and so am I...deal with it."

"When we were together you said you would die for me. Now that we broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!"

Little Annoyances: Things That Drive a Sane Person Nuts

  • You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
  • The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
  • The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
  • You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
  • It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
  • The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
  • There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at everything.
  • You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
  • Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
  • You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
  • You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
  • Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
  • A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
  • There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
  • You wash a garment with a kleenex in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
  • The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
  • A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
  • You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
  • The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
  • You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
  • You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
  • You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.

gO bAcK 2 qUoTeS pAgE
Go BaCk 2 FrIeNdS pAgE
gO 2 sHoUtOuTs PaGe
Go 2 My CoRnEr
bAcK 2 cUtE qUoTeS 2
Go BaCk 2 FrIeNdS pAgE 2
gO 2 tHe LifE oPiNiOnS
Go 2 ThE pOeM/sOnG pAgE
gO 2 tHe BaSeBaLl QuOtEs