Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car
isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will
say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with
all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We
will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick
as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for
which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete
stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her
any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I
don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom,
too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I
really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it
gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to
go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my
pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand
why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is
fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally
in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the
dishes. I'll do the rest.