You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of ID
On stage night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
You smoked during your wedding.
People ask to hunt in your front yard.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
You've ever driven a tractor to school.
Your high school prom had a day care center.
You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You drink Labatt 50
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
