Joke World
Redneck Jokes 3
Ya might be a Redneck if...
You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You ever hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.
You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year.
You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.
You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You proposed in a Denny's.
The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
You think "Chablis" is the name of last months Playboy centerfold.
You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
You think a stock tip is advice on worming' your hogs.
Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
You don't have a home phone.
You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think "trash TV" is something in your back yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.
Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
Your deer stand has an address.
You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
Your pickup truck and wife are the same age.
Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
You've ever given livestock as a wedding present.
You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
You call your boss, "dude."
You repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.
You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
You think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis.
You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
You think ribs come from Europe.
Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
The nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement.
Your Friday nights consist of lots of Budweiser and a mechanical bull.
You have used a potato peeler to remove a corn.
The Marlboro man is your idol.
You see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
You've ever fished from over a fence.
You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
Your state senator is willingly photographed with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a Breathalyzer test.
You think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song.
You currently drive a car with "In Tow" painted across the back.
Your dog has puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You think wild turkey should be the national bird.
Your truck sits so high that you can see in a second floor window.
You brag that you can chug a beer in three seconds instead of five because of the new wide-mouth cans.
You name the pick of the litter after your wife to show your affection.
Normal people have Kodak™ moments but you have Kodiak™ moments.
You consider the tractor your 'good' car.
You leave the dumpster with more stuff than you came with.
You ever went to Walmart to freshen up for a date.
You got cable just for TNN.
After dinner you have Pixy Sticks and the height of the evening is comparing tongue colors.
Speling ant tha eazist thang you evar tryed.
You find automatic transmissions confusing.
You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
You snorkel in a waterbed.
You have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
You have more hair on your back than on your head.
You have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
You shave your cat to put hair on your head.
You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
You use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
Your cabinet doubles as a guest room.
Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
You think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You know how to milk a goat.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
Your house plants aren't in pots.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
You were expelled from summer school.
You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have a grave in your front yard.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You screen door has no screen.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
Your church has a "happy hour."
Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
Your pickup truck used to be a car.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
You stockpile pork and beans.
Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
You spit on your own floor.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
[ Blonde Jokes]
[ Blonde Jokes 2]
[ Yo Momma Jokes]
[ Yo Momma Jokes 2]
[ Lawyer Jokes]
[ Mommy, Mommy! Jokes]
[ Redneck Jokes]
[ Redneck Jokes 2]
[ Redneck 3]
