Joke World

Redneck Jokes 2

Ya might be a Redneck if...

You've never slept with your boots off.

You go turkey hunting for hat decorations.

Your car stereo is worth more than the car it is installed in.

You purposed marriage to you best gal by painting the "Big Question" on a overpass.

You know more that 10 slang words for "breast."

You serve macaroni and cheese at a formal dinner.

You ever stripped or jumped out of a cake at a relative's bachelor party.

Your wife receives a discount from Mary Kay for buying in bulk.

You refuse to throw out your leisure suit, because you still insist that lime green is not a fad color and polyester when always be "in."

You think that a spatula is a bone you broke playing high school football.

Your definition of homestead is the first trailer that was parked on your family lot.

Your wife sends you out for formula and you come home with a jug of moonshine.

You are still making payments to the body shop for your last home improvement.

You try to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.

You've never seen a film with subtitles.

You must go through more than two gates to get to your house.

You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.

Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.

You've ever been hunting on a tractor.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."

You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

Your primary income involves pigs or manure.

You've ever been to drunk to milk a cow.

You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.

You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

You follow the tractor pull circuit.

Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.

Your mother's only shoes are her house slippers.

The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.

You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.

You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stucky's napkin.

Your tires are worth more than your truck.

Your spare tire is a cement block.

You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.

You own a denim leisure suit.

Your coat of arms features a tire iron.

You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.

Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.

You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.

You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.

You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.

You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.

Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.

You and six of your neighbors split the cable bill.

You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

People can't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.

Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.

You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.

The front license plate of your care has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.

Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.

All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.

You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.

You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You ever get dog hair from your belly button.

You ever go clothes shopping in a goodwill box.

You ever go through the laundry milk crate for clean/dirty socks.

You have ever injured yourself lighting farts.

You've ever used your underwear for toilet paper.

You've ever driven your tractor to the bar because you were too drunk to drive your car.

You've ever used 40 weight to shine your boots.

You consider your wife's tattoos moving pictures.

You've ever coveted your neighbor's wife and she's your sister.

Your eye color on your driver's license in red.

You judge how long a trip will take by how much beer to bring.

You ring your shotgun to school so you car hunt at recess.

You think beer guzzling should be an Olympic sport.

You have 50 keys on your belt and only five locks you need to open.

Your grandmother can out-drink, out-spit, and out-cuss you and all your friends.

Your idea of a luxury sedan includes running boards, a bug deflector, and an extended cab.

You have a kill switch on your car and you use it every day.

Your best pair of shoes is a pair of work boots with holes in it.

You've ever spent a Sunday afternoon shooting mice out of your kitchen cabinet.

You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."

You've ever tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.

Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

You've ever vacationed in a rest area.

You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
yard.

If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.

If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.

If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.

If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.

If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.

If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all
of your cars.

If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.

If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"

If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.

If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.

If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.

If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.

If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.

If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.

If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff
Foxworthy.

If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.

If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).

You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.

You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.

Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."

Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.

You read all these Redneck jokes as bedtime stories.

You slash open boxes of cereal with a knife because you consider yourself a serial killer.

Your wife counts a hammer among her cooking utensils.

Your 2 year old has more teeth than you do.

Your house has taillights but your car doesn't.

"Over Thar" is part of your vocabulary.

You and your dog share the same name.

The dash of your car has more carpet on it than your entire house.

Your family tree consists of you and your dog.

Your favorite comedian is Jeff Foxworthy.

Your house is on wheels and your car isn't.

Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

Your wallet and your dog are both on a chain.

Your dog weighs more than you do.

You know all the stock car driver's numbers by heart.

You rotate your tires more often than you take a bath.

You yelled, "Rock the house Bubba" at a piano recital.

You think harass is two words.

After 20 years of marriage you find out your wife is your cousin.

You take notes while watching The Three Stooges.

Your new car is a John Deere.

You go to the city dump and leave with more than you took.

While raking leave you fall out of the tree.

Your truck is higher than your house.

You think Fast Food is hitting a deer at 60 mph.

You go ice fishing and you bring back 200 pounds of ice.

You have a Waffle House credit card. Birds are attracted to your beard.

You go to a family reunion to meet women.

You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures.

You are offended by these jokes.

The three little words you say to your wife are GIMME A BEER.

Your grandmother has ever been kicked out of Bingo Night because of her language.

You win the lottery and buy a NEW doublewide to live in.

You think a quarterback is a refund.

You were born on a pool table.

Truck drivers tell your mom to watch her language.

Your porch falls off and more than two dogs die.

Your living room wall has the flood history.

You get detention in school for catching a bigger fish than the principal catches on the day you both skipped.

You consider Rambo a classic.

You think, "Gentlemen, Start Your Engines" is part of the National Anthem.

The word NASCAR appeared anywhere in your wedding vows.

At home you have to wipe your feet to go outside.

You have to take your house to the body shop after a hailstorm.

If your vehicle has a nickname that ends with "Lou".

If you spend more at Christmas on your huntin' dog than your family.

Your family tree doesn't You trip over the cord of a cordless phone.

You go to a wedding and everyone sits on the same side of the church.

The employees of the local Wal Mart know you by name.

Your tan line starts at your eyebrows and ends at your shirt collar.

Your Lazy Boy has a gun rack mounted on it.

You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

Your house has no curtains but your truck does.

Calling your closest neighbor on the phone is long distance.

You went to a huntin' camp on your honeymoon.

You told your wife to move over in bed so the dog can have more room.

Hitting an animal with your truck means getting a new coat.

When asked your tooth color on a application, you state "Not Applicable".

You ever held a family reunion in jail.

You have legally changed your name to "Current Resident" in a sorry attempt to get more mail.

You prefer calling your sister Hun.

If the garbage men don't know what to take or what to leave.

If you believe God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr.

You bought a VCR because wrestling was on while you were at work.

Your house pets include any form of livestock.

You consider a night at the rodeo a romantic evening.

Your blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ

Your wife has a beard and you don't.

You leave pickled eggs and beer for Santa.

Your bridal registry was the local bait shop.

Your spare tire is a cement block.

Your truck has curtains but your trailer doesn't.

You identify with the Beverly Hillbillies before they struck oil.

Your coon dog was the "Best Man" at your wedding.

You're not sure of the true color of your pickup.

Your kid's first words were paper or plastic.

All your new appliances are your neighbors old ones. T

There are more than four cats living in your garage.

Your mamma carries a wrench and a comb in her back pocket.

Your mamma has more chest and underarm hair than your father.

You put your empties through the cylinder holes in your coffee table.

You try to hit road signs with empty beer bottles.

You put your pocketknife and key ring on opposite sides of your belt to balance yourself.

Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.

You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.

Everyday at your house is a family reunion.

You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.

You've found every one of your pets.

You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.

The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."

You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

You call rust a quality paint job.

If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.

Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.

Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.

You swerve to hit a deer.

You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.

Your momma and your dog bathe together.

The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.

You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.

Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.

You use a tire for a sled.

Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.

You got married at a monster truck rally.

Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.

Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.

You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.

You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.

You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass.

You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.

You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.

You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.

You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.

If your house and your barn are the same building.

If your best crystal used to contain snuff.

You consider muskrat a gourmet food.

Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.

You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.

You take spurs to show off at your local public school.

Your toenails curl before you cut them.

Socks in bed turn you on.

You think a sieve is part of your shirt.

You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

You took a beer to a job interview.

You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.

Your mom is the man of the house.

You wear a bra under a strapless dress.

If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.

Your dad and your tires are both bald.

Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.

Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.

You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.

Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.

Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.

You think straight D's is the honor roll.

You think payday is when the welfare check comes.

You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.

When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.

You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.

The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.

If you have to mow your driveway.

You own any willow furniture you made yourself.

You have a collar and your dog doesn't.

You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.

You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.

If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".

If your backyard looks like a junkyard.

You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole family.

You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.

Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.

You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.

You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.

If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.

You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.

Everyone you know has more than one first name.

You ever made change in the offering plate.

Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.

You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your Engines".

Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.

You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.

You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck.

You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.

Someone asks you the time and you say "January".

You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard. Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch.

You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.

The only gold you own is in your mouth.

You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.

You are the state cow tipping champ.

Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.

You consider a six-pack life support.

You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.

Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.

Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.

Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.

You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.

You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.

You think a goat is an indoor animal.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.

The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house.

Your family tree forms a wreath.

If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.

You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.

People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.

You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail.

You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.

Your family tree doesn't branch.

You apply for a home improvement loan to buy a new topper for your pickup truck.

If you think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's teeth.

You've ever worn your feed hat to a wedding.

Your wife has to shave more than you do.

If you've got a green neck from wearing your fine jewelry.

You have a gun rack on your riding lawn mower.

Your driving school consisted of Dukes of Hazzard re-runs and a demolition derby.

You show the officer your belt buckle when he asks for identification.

You and the game warden are on a first name basis.

Your garage looks better than your house.

Your idea of a first date is a monster truck rally.

You ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You have more money between your couch cushions than in your wallet.

Your clothes are older than you.

You have a home that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.

You would give up your house instead of our boat.

The only 4.0 you got was on a breathalyzer test.

If you have one or more deerblinds in your front yard.

You use more duct tape than common sense.

You prefer Monday Night wrestling to Seinfeld.

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