Cock Enlarger
who sent these
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the construction workers building the home, maybe you will learn Something." Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned, Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cocksucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the motherfuckerback up." Martin's mother said, "You just wait till your father gets home!" When Martin's father got home the mother asked him to ask Martin what he had learned that day. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Fuck you, that's the Electrician's job.
Dear Redneck Son:
I'm writing this
letter slow because I know you can't
read fast. We don't live where we did
when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen
within 20 miles from your home, so we
moved.
I won't be able to send you
the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house
numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a
washing machine. I'm not sure it works
so well though; last week I put a load
in and pulled the chain and haven't seen
the clothes since. The weather isn't bad
here. It only rained twice last week;
the first time for three days and the
second time for four days. About that
coat you wanted me to send you, your
Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy
to send in the mail with the buttons on,
so we cut them off and put them in the
pockets. John locked his keys in the car
yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me
and your father out. Your sister had a
baby this morning; but I haven't found
out what it is yet so I don't know if
you're an Aunt or an Uncle. The baby
looks just like your brother. Uncle Ted
fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some
men tried to pull him out, but he fought
them off playfully and drowned. We had
him cremated and he burned for three
days. Three of your friends went off a
bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was
driving. He rolled down the window and
swam to safety. Your other two friends
were in back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down. There
isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened. Love, Mama
P.S. I was going to send you some money
but the envelope was already sealed.
--------------------
LITTLE JOHNNY
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by
the cops for smoking
dope and appearedin court before the
judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men,
and I'd like to give you a second
chance rather than jail time. I
want you to
go out this weekend and try to show
others the evils of drug use
and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court
Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and
the judge said to
the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17
people to give up drugs
forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did
you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew
two circles like this
O o
and told them this (the big circle) is
your brain before drugs and
this
(small circle) is your brain after
drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"
(to the
2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156
people to give up drugs
forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you
manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same
two circles.
I pointed to thesmall circle and
told them,
"this is your
asshole before prison......"
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all
day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park,
but better for boy to park meat in girl.
Man who jizz in cash register come into
money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty
time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own
pew.
Man who finger girl having period get
caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls
cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for
money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt
wake
up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down
on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet
pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all
gone.
confucious say:
There was this farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying this big bundle of wire.
"Hey kid!" the farmer says, "Where ya goin' with that wire?" "Well, the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"
"You can't catch chickens with wire!" "Sure I can!" he yells and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in this chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.
"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?"
"Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duct tape- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"
"You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole buch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying some flowers. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with them flowers?"
"Well, this here ain't just any old flowers, this here's pussy willow." "HANG ON!" the farmer says......."I'll get my hat!"
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into a mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Little Johnny walks into his mothers
room and catches her topless. Mommy,
Mommy, what are those? He says pointing
to her breasts.
Well, son, these are balloons, and when
you die, they inflate and float you up
to heaven. Incredibly, he appears to
believe this explanation and goes off
quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is
making tea, he rushes into the kitchen.
Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!
What do you mean? says his mother.
Well, she's out in the garden shed,
lying on the floor with both of her
balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow
them up for her and she keeps yelling,
God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!
A newlywed couple (virgins)
get ready to make love. When the guy
takes off his pants, his wife makes fun
of his small penis. He is
humiliated,gets dressed and goes walking
along the beach where he stumbles on a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and a genie comes out and tells him he'll grant one wish. The man whispers in the genie's ear what he wants. The genie tells him the wish will be granted at midnight. The man goes back to his bride and tells her they need to be in bed at midnight, that he has a suprise for her.
At the stroke of midnight the doorbell rings. The man opens the door and the Klu Klux Klan is there. The man tells them that there must be a mistake. The Klan leader says "didn't you make a wish with a genie tonight. The man replied yes. Well said the Klan leader, you wished to be hung like a nigger, didn't you?
The Candywrapper
It was another Payday and I was tired of
Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing
behind the Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped
out my Whopper and whispered, 'hey
Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on
my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?'
Well, she immediately went down on my
Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure
Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her
delicious Mounds because it was easy to
see that this little Twix had the Red
Hots. It was all I could do to hold the
Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger
went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
started to scream 'Oh Henry, Oh Henry!'
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and
ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars
that gave her a taste of the old Milky
Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but
I said, 'hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.'
I said 'Look you little Reese's Pieces,
don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why
don't you take my Whatchamacallit and
slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?'
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was,
too!) She screamed, 'Oh Crackerjack,
better than the Three Musketeers!' as I
rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road
and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I
was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty,
when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started
to grow Chunky and complained of a
Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough,
nine months later, out popped...
Baby Ruth!
The Most Dangerous Snake
In the World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser
Snake)~~~~~~~~~~ LOCATION: Throughout the world DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin).
Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months.
The attack is not usually fatal. Beware:
It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women.
However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery.
There is no known antidote for men. WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom istoo deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim,but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. 2. Once milked, the snake should be harmlessfor about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressiveand active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary
school when he visited one
of
the
4th grade classes,they were in the
middle of a discussion related to words
and their meanings.The teacher asked the
president if he would like lead
the
class in the discussion of the word
"tragedy". so, our illustrious leader
asked the class for an example of a
tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered,
"if my best friend, who lives next door,
was playing in the street, and a car
came along and ran over him,that would
be a tragedy." No" said Clinton, "that
would an accident."
A little girl raised her hand. " if
a school bus carrying 50
children
drove
off a cliff killing everyone in the bus,
that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid
not," explained the president, " that
would be what we call
a
great loss." The room grew silent no
other children would volunteer an
answer.
President Clinton searched the
room. "Isn't there someone here who
can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, in the back of the
room,little
Johnny raised his hand. "Yes, young
man", said the president. Little johnny
stood up and said, "if Air Force
one,carrying you and Mrs.Clinton, were
struck
by a missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."
Fantastic,"
exclaimed clinton, that's right. And can
you tell me why that would be
a
tragedy?" "Well, "said little Johnny,
"because it sure wouldn't be an acident,
and it certainly wouldn't be a great
loss!
The Creation ......... Seven wisemen with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was the butcher, smart with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit. Second was the carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer he gave it a hole. Third was the tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was the hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was the fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked and fucked it and called it a cunt
The of Deception
Subject: Humor
Q: What's the difference between a
girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a
boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to
a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty
to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women
around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by
their feet, they'd fill up
with
mud.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the
kitchen to nag you,
what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many men does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark
and complain.
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's
heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp
knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces
alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone
and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got
in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first
time, you can walk all over them for
life.
Q. What is the difference between a
man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker
and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find
men that are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. Because those men already have
boyfriends.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q. Why were men given larger brains
than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs
at cocktail parties.
Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.
Q. What's the difference between a new
husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still
excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they
have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs
chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an
atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with
his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the
nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of
coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the
nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last
donut!
Q. Why does the bride always wear
white?
A. Because it is good for the
dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
Q. What is the difference between a
battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead
are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on
their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their
asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q. Why do men take showers instead of
baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A. They keep stepping on the strings.
Q. What's the difference between a
terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the
terrorist!
Q. Did you hear about the guy who
finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could
tell anybody.
Q. Do you know the punishment for
bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
The Frustrated Wife
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed alittle spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crothchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment and selected short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs.... "Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"
Bubba`s Gone Bubba died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So, they called up his two friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe, to do so. Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's burnt purdy bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled the body over. Jim-Bob looked at the butt and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't see anything unusual about the corpse's backside, but he didn't say anything. Instead, he brought in Billy-Joe. Billy-Joe looked at the body and said, "Yep, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician again rolled the deceased over. Billy-Joe looked down at his butt, and said, "No, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?!" responded the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'
One day Joe complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that, there is a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00." Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOR. IT WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD - GET A WATER SOFTENER. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS - GIVE HIM WORM PILLS. YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE - PUT HER IN REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS - GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
Art Exhibition
At an art exhibition there was a painting of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The picture was titled "Home for Lunch." Two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked. "Well, yes" said the one woman. "We were curious about the picture of black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?" "Oh," said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow
Milk Bath
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman said, "Pasteurized?" And the blonde said, "No, just up to my tit
Oh
Husband!
Oh Husband, dear husband, I tremble with
fear.
You've been on overtime almost a year. Since you are gone 'till way late at night, A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool, Working This Overtime is wasting your tool!
For better it is, too be poor all your life, Than to bring a soft pecker, home to your wife.
Oh Husband, dear husband, now don't get me wrong! The money is good but so is your dong!
you come home from work just able to creep.
I feel like screwing but you want to sleep. Each evening dear husband you crawl into bed.
Your intentions are good but your pecker
is dead.
I play with your pecker, all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.
For in the whole world there is only one
sin,
For which there is no pardon and never has been.
That is a man so foolish and mean,
That gives up his fucking to run a machine.
Blind Date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next, the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
It`s a hard Life
A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar." So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad." So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw
My 12 inch BIC
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied reaching into his golf bag and pulling out a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie." he replied "You have a genie?" the friend asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." he said. "Could I see him?" asked his friend. He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says,"I'm a good friend of your master. will you grant me one wish? "Yes I will", the genie said so the friend asks him for a millionbucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.Do you really think that