My Favorite Quotes

Funny but true quotes:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
Some of the greatest writers this world has ever known have written their finest works while happily and blissfully drunk...and so shall I.
"Some call it laziness, I call it deep thought."
Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."-- Irving Caesar
"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." -- Rita Rudner.
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard F. Burton
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." -- Burt Bacharach
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."-- Bob Hope
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.--Stephen F Roberts
I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to be deaf, dumb, and stupid?
One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up. -- Actual exam answer
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." ~Ingrid Bergman
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." -- Frank Sinatra
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -- Kaiser Wilhelm
"If at first you don't succeed, f*#! it!"
"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage."
"Dieting is wishful shrinking"
"Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse"
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs"
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -Abraham Lincoln
"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."
"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke."
"I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!"
"A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it."
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt." -- Abe Lincoln

It's the truth..

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." -- Erica Jong
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. -- Dolly Parton
"I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate." - George Burns
"A friend is a person that knows everything about you and still likes you"
"Since the day we started our life, we began to die"
"People are afraid of what they don't understand, and hate what they are afraid of"
"I'd rather be disliked for who I am then liked for who I am not"
"A friendship that stops existing, was actually never there"
"Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying"
Live each day as if it were your last, for one day you will be right.
"Never frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile"
"To the world you may be only one person, but to one person you may be the world"
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old time is still a-flying; And this same flower that smiles today Tomorrow will be dying. -Robert Herrick

Let's talk about..love

"We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first." George Whyte-Melville (1821-1878) Scottish author
"Love is like a bird. When you least expect it, it craps in your face."
"I knew I would look back at the tears and laugh, but I never knew I'd look back at the laughter and cry"
"You know you love someone when you want them to be happy even if their happiness means that you're not a part of it."
"Insanity and love are very much alike... you're crazy in both states."
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the heart and soul!"
"Love starts with a smile grows with a kiss and ends with a tear."
"Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."---Alfred Lord Tennyson
"Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, must not have had their heart broken."
"Love is the sweetest of dreams, and the worst of nightmares." --Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.-- Anonymous
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. -- Joan Crawford
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass. -- French Proverb
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. -- Lisa Hoffman
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"No guy is worth your tears, and the one who is wont make u cry"
"Loves like jumping off a building it's not the fall that kills you, it's the kersplat in the end when you realize it's over"
"Some people think holding on makes you stronger, but sometimes it is letting go."
"Who do you go to when the one who always dried your tears is the one who made you cry?"
The heart that loves is always young. - Greek Proverb
Who ever loved, that loved not at first sight? - Christopher Marlowe
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says "I need you because I love you." - Erich Fromm
Follow love and it will flee, Flee love and it will follow thee. - John Gay
I see when men love women they give but a little of their lives but women when they love give everything. - Oscar Wilde
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. - Oscar Wilde
When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before. - Blaise Pascal
Falling in love is exactly that- falling. You don't have much control over it.
A 1000 words wouldn't bring you back, I know because I tried. Neither could a 1000 tears, I know because I cried.
You left me with a broken heart and happy memories too. But I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.
The hardest thing to do in life is to watch the person you love, love someone else.
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing that you can't have them.
If love is supposed to be so great, why does it have to hurt so much?
You're the one who broke my heart, you're the reason my world fell apart, you're the one who made me cry, yet I'm still in love with you and I don't know why.
I'm trying really hard not to cry over you cause every tear is just one more reminder that I don't know how to let you go.
A heart is not a play thing, a heart is not a toy. But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy.
Isn't it funny how a heart is shaped like two upside down teardrops?

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