The Breaking
In the Beginning, there was Dragonmount, and it was Good. Well, it was Mostly Good. It could use some Improvements. So one day in the Pacific Time Zone Days of Dragonmount...
Phoenix: (sitting at home in front of the computer)Argh!!! Bravenet is down! I'm tried of all the complaints on the message boards and the emails and the icq messages! Argh!!! I just want to Break something!
(He gets up for a glass of water and Breaks some ice)
Phoenix: I'm tired of all these problems... I just wanted DM to be a nice giant place to take over the online world with... That Dream didn't include all of this...
(Phone rings. Phoenix answers it and forgets to Break any more things that night)
(Nordan and Connor are peeling potatoes for channeling while under the influence of flimsy dresses (that's the crime that Ender keeps doing and thus is kept in the White Tower being punished for it)
Nordan: So Connor, why are you always online during the day?
Connor: Well, I get bored sometimes at work and there's always someone interesting on icq.
Nordan: I see. Well, what do you do?
Connor: This and that with computers.
Nordan: Oh, okay.
(Silence)
Connor: So how do I get promoted?
Nordan: Well, by posting a lot, helping other people or helping out M'Hael or Phoenix with the site.
Connor: Oh, that's easy. I already post tons of stuff each day and help my fellow Asha'man; the boredom, you see, and I would love to do some stuff for DM.
Nordan: Wonderful! (picks up his cell phone) I'll tell Phoenix right away! (runs out the door)
Connor: Hey! I'm not doing your punishment!
Nordan: (shouts back) Seniority has its privileges, Soldier.
Connor: Drats. I knew he was going to say that. (sighs and continues peeling)
Phoenix: (doing his nightly duties) What?! Connor know MS Access and he's bored at work?! (rubs hand a la Sathinar) Well, we can fix that! (laughs insanely) Ilyena, you must see this!
Phoenix's Girlfriend: (sighs and comes) Jason, we don't have time for this... I promised that we would be there at 8...
Phoenix: Connor is going to help! Isn't that great? More time for me to be with you! Now, what shall I call it when Connor fixes the message boards and everything else at DM? I know... The Breaking!
(Simultaneously, the bathroom mirror Breaks unbeknownest to them)
Phoenix's Lady: Um... That's nice, dear. Now, are you suitable for going outside with? ...Yes. Okay... (reaches over and unplugs his lovely Heron Marked™ modem cord)
Phoenix: (sputters) My poor baby! Ilyena, now you have angered me. Prepare to...
Phoenix's Single Link To Reality Some Days: No, you prepare to drive us to Mike's. Or should I? (takes his keys from the counter. In a swift move, Phoenix takes them away from her)
Phoenix: I'll drive. (sighs and pouts in the way that only a webmaster deprived of his IP connection can do)
Phoenix's Amazingly Good Choice: Okay and stop calling me 'Ilyena', 'Elayne', 'Min', 'Aviendha', 'Mara' or 'Love Muffin'. I just hate those names.
Phoenix: (sullenly) Okay...
(Phoenix returns safely from Mike's (Phoenix's Lucky To Have Her stayed to help a girlfriend overcome a break-up) and emails Connor his feverish ideas and plans for the Breaking. He doesn't notice the Broken mirror until the next morning and then blames it on drunken anguish or a LTT fit)
Phoenix: (uh-oh) Connor is going to start right away! Good!
(Typity, typity, type)
Phoenix: (the Force is strong in this boy) Oh, here's the first trial of the message boards! Okay... Name... (Five hours later) Um, Connor, how does this thing work?
Phoenix: (play that funky music, white boy!) What? Darks won't stop kissing you? Um, there's not much I can do, Blackie, but I'll talk with him.
Phoenix: (Mwa ha ha ha! I love danger!) Saths, you cannot eat my pigeons. Outlook is my friend...
Phoenix: (uh-oh) You there, Connor? (Mass message, my Jedi Master) Good night everyone!
Phoenix: (Mass message, my Jedi Master) Okay, the message boards are ready and I've tested them all out personally. The Breaking is set to occur on April 1st.
Phoenix: (Froggy loves Daddy? *squeek* *squeek* Daddy loves froggy) No, Darks. The Breaking is not a joke. April 1st is the earliest day that the changes can be made.
Phoenix: (Mass message, my Jedi Master) So anyone got a good story to explain it? Email them to me please and I'll use the best one.
(Phoenix checks his email a couple hours later...)
Phoenix: Woah! I've been email bombed!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, there was a flower. It was a pretty flower but it had a dark past. It was really a Blight flower that had been carried by the Black Wind into the Ways and out into the Andorian countryside. It wanted blood like all Blight flowers, so it morphed into a Stick and lay in the middle of the road. But no one came, so it walked into the middle of a meadow and morphed into a pretty flower. Just then a little blonde girl came into the forest. She was picking flowers, but only pretty ones, not ugly or beautiful ones. She saw the pretty flower and picked it. Then it ate her up and walked home. Rand could never find Elayne again. He was sad, but happy that he only had to choose from two other girls who had no problem with him having both at once. The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phoenix liked to Break things. He Broke in his tennis shoes, his roller blades and he Broke his wrist when he was 12. So he Broke Dragonmount quite easily. Thus the people whined and complained even more to Phoenix. So he remade DM in his own image and made The Death Star from the extra space on DM's server. Then he did something really cool for the WoT and SW fans. He married the sites in chat and said: Let there be The Dragonmount Death Star. And so it was. It was cool. Then the non-SW WoT fans left and the SW WoT fans were caught between Episode Two and The Shadow's Hand, book 10 of the Wheel of Time. Then Phoenix saw Episode Two and never truly recovered from watching Anakin leave his true love and the Light side of the Force. So Darksmoon and Lanfir took over the site and made the ICQ Official Kissing Tag site and ICQ Instant Bonding site. The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Gekkie!"
"Gekkie!"
The two Moogles leaped around in a circle, very happy. They were very happy now. O_o
"Gekkie! Gekkie!"
He passed a Nut to her. She ate it without a thought.
Suddenly, her wings started flapping and she took off into the air.
"Gekkie! Gekkie!"
"Gekkie! Gekkie!"
She waved good bye as she flew away. He stamped his little feet in frustration.
"Gekkie... kuppo."
He went inside and went to sleep. The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phoenix ran through the DM Staff Room, belching forth flames and setting Staff Members on fire. Mushroom was glad he wasn't a Staff Member; they got burned a lot.
"MAAARIN! Where are you, my darling?"
Mushroom was tempted to call out: I'm here, you silly tall man! But Mushroom liked living too much. He hid under the table some more. Suddenly, the table was on fire and started to Break Dance. Mushroom fretted; this wouldn't do at all! He got out in time to watch Phoenix leave the Staff Room for the Hall of the White Tower, taking a pen and sticky notes with him.
That was close, Mushroom thought. I should embrace the Wolf Power and warn Darksmoon, 'cuz I'm not sure what I should do. I mean, he's a big Dragon Reborn guy who prolly has this planned to a T. He won't want me jumping into his thread.
Mushroom listened and nodded occasionally. Darksmoon wanted him to follow Phoenix and read the sticky notes. Mushroom shivered; that was dangerous, but an order was an order.
So he caught up to Phoenix and watched him make a sticky note and put it on a door to someone's room in the White Tower and leave. Mushroom quickly grabbed the note.
It read: Ender, go insane and destroy WT. Just do the same act you did before when you were Foretelling and when you bonded Narell. Kill Narell. The less Reds the better. Best to do it a la Blackthorne. Oh, tell her I'm sorry that I didn't make her Head of Red. Best of luck and give Narell a platter of grapes for me. Phoenix.
Wow. Mushroom thought to steal the note to show Darksmoon, but it seemed important, so he left it on the door.
With a crazy Wolfbrother's silent steps, he followed Phoenix around Dragonmount as it was changing violently. Many of the notes were like the one on the door of 'Ender'. A few of the different ones included: 'Lanfir, the bonding ends now! Hehehehe. Phoenix.' 'Sam, here's your chance. Run boy, run! Phoenix.' 'Sera, I'm sorry that I moved the bookshelves 1/4 of a centimeter. Please forgive me. You will receive new books for the trouble. Phoenix.'
Then suddenly, Phoenix seemed to sense Mushroom.
"Come here, little Wolfbrother. Show yourself. I trust you have enough information to satisfy Darks now?"
Mushroom came out from around the corner. "Yes, sir. I'll be going now." Mushroom ran for the Forest of Wolves and the safety of his Org Leader, Darksmoon.
Phoenix called after him. "You can run, but never hide!"
Mushroom just ran faster.
The Breaking continued as everyone and their Warder(s) hid in the Forest.
"You stepped on my feet."
"Did not."
"Did too. I'm going to sever you if you keep that up."
"(raspberry sound)"
"Be quiet or Phoenix will find us and erase our posts!"
"(pudding slurping sound)"
"Yes, Mother."
"When can we go home?"
"When Phoenix has destroyed all the chickens. I told you yesterday."
"Oh, just asking."
"I HATE HIDING. IT MAKES ME FEEL SEALED."
"Yeah, I could understand that. Hey, wait a moment, aren't you..."
"Er... No, I'm a newbie. My name's Bob."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phoenix, Darksmoon and Matalina ran through the palace, looking for a way out. They had finished what they had come to do here. The seals were in place and ready to do their job. Damn! Where was Lanfir and the Warder back-up help?
"There, we came in through here! Move! We don't have much time left!"
Matalina motioned frantically to a hole in the wall. The men moved quickly through the tunnel to the outer slopes of Shayol Ghul.
The earth shook and moaned like the dead were rising.
Fires hissed with the sounds of the fighting below. Man versus Shadowspawn, Black sister versus Green, male channeler versus Dreadlord, mixed channelers versus Forsaken.
Narell and Francesca suddenly appeared.
"Lord Dragon," Narell panted. "It's our duty to protect you personally and besides, it makes it easier to gentle you after the Last Battle if you're still alive and not stilled."
Phoenix nodded without hesitation. After all, the whole Red Ajah being wiped out with him would save some men's lives at least.
The earth heaved like a drunken elephant. Darksmoon took the opportunity to fall on top of Narell while Ender was away.
"Well, fancy this happening..."
"Get off me before you lose it."
Swallowing a whimper, he got up quickly and Narell brushed the dust off her filmy dress.
"But this may be the last opportunity we'll get!"
"Dear, I used that excuse last night on Ender. Well," she paused. "The last chance for grapes in this Age at least."
Phoenix snapped on them both.
"Shh! Be wery quiet."
MHA HA HA HA. I AM FREEEE!
Matalina sighed.
"Sath!" She yelled. "Put down the megaphone. We all know it's you!"
Sathinar appeared with a megaphone and jumped down from above them.
"Well, it was such a good line! I just *had* to say it. I mean, we've been waiting, what, three years for ol'Shay to say it. Besides," he scowled. "I wanted a good line this time around!"
Darksmoon was the one to vocalize the group's thoughts.
"Um, Saths. We're doing some important stuff and this isn't your scene anyway. Your cue is when Phoenix has to run with the seals to the top of Shayol Ghul and fight with Shadow Maarin. While he's fighting, you steal the seals and eat them, because they look like the cookies on Chissa's desk. After the fight, Phoenix learns what you did and quickly pushes you into the Pit, thus sealing the Bore with your own body and at the sacrifice of your own life. Understand? We've practiced this scene before."
Sathinar kicked a pebble. "I know, but I don't want to anymore. I like being able to get away with everything."
Phoenix patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry. You're welcome to come back as another character. You can even be the Dragon next time."
Sathinar's face brightened. "Really?"
"Yeah, sure."
Sathinar grinned sanely. "Just wait until Dem hears that! Mwa ha ha ha!"
Sathinar hurries up the mountain again.
...
...
...
Phoenix: Boy, this is definitely too long! But it's funny. (saves the email in another folder, entitled 'Blackthorne's funny stories') Okay. Next one...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sathinar chuckled as he and Demandred stood in front of the Statues, the stone Goddesses of Magic. Well, that was the old Aes Sedai legend, anyway.
Demandred: Look, Sathy. Power. Power to rule the world. And it's all mine. (laughs in a Nae'blis fashion)
Sathinar: (giggles and mutters) So you think.
Voice1: Step away from those Statues, right now!
(The Heroes appear: Ben, grinning swordsman who lost his entire people to Dem's wicked deeds; Blackthorne, former General of Dem's Army; Sam d'ma Shadar, thief, er, treasure hunter and dusty traveler of the world; Darksmoon, mysterious ninja guy with his big 'doggie', Kujo; Aldiran, King of Figaro; Darkseid, Aldiran's twin brother and martial artiste; Jon'atha, the dancing Moogle; Ciara, a young painter of great talent; Asha'man, Ciara's grandfather and not a bad painter himself; Incognito, International Man/Woman/??? of Mystery; Grey Wind, a shaggy yeti/wolf/??? Guy; and last, but never least, Phoenix, the half-human, half-Aes Sedai guy who Morphs into a pink flamey creature and carries a big Sword. Ishamael, the gambler was driving the Airship at the time)
Demandred: Hahaha! You puny mortals! (makes some lightning using the Statues and blows everyone off the ground, except Blackthorne and Phoenix, Sam and Ben, trapped with the POWER)
Demandred: Blackthorne, you were born to serve me! Take your birth right! (Sathinar solemnly gives a sword to her) Kill them.
Blackthorne: Okay.
(She walks over to the three trapped friends, raises the sword, pauses to think: What the hell? I can't kill my friends and the guy I love!)
Blackthorne: I'm not like you. (stabs Sathinar)
Sathinar: (sighs) Blackie, you're supposed to stab them, not me!
Demandred: (shakes his head) Too bad for you, Blackthorne. Now, you will die with them.
(Dem raises his hands for the Death™ weave, when Sathinar laughs)
Demandred: What's so funny? (Sathinar continues to laugh) Come on, tell me! (laughs still and moves back to the Statues) Fine. Die laughing. (Dem does the Death™ weave, nothing happens; tries again, nothing) What are you doing? Tell me!
Sathinar: Easy! The Statues negate the One Power! Now, Goddesses, you've given me a sign! Show your wrath! Kill Demandred!
Demandred: No, you fool! We could rule together! And don't invoke their names! They might wake up! ARGH! (Dem is toasted)
Sathinar: You didn't even flinch! You even died in style. Cool. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. (Sathinar moves the Statues a bit)
Phoenix: Saths! What are you doing?! If the Statues are unbalanced, Dragonmount will be destroyed! Release us!
Sathinar: Hehe. Blackthorne, you will finally pay for unbonding me!
(Darksmoon suddenly appears, saves Blackthorne and moves the Statues, trapping Saths in the middle and releases the other Heroes)
Darksmoon: Go! I'll distract Sathy!
(They Go and after Darksmoon catches up with them, leave on an Airship (really the Goodyear blimp) and Dragonmount is Broken in 5 minutes)
Phoenix: Oh my! The Dragonmount of Balance is gone! The Dragonmount of Ruin has now replaced it! (sobs) I'm going to protect some little kids in a village and discover my feminine, nuturing side.
Aldiran: Sam's cool. I wanna be a thief, er, treasure hunter too.
Blackthorne: If Sam can't have me, no one will. (prepares to jump off the airship)
Darksmoon: ...
Kujo: Woof!
Jon'atha: Kuppo! I'm going home! Gekkie!
Ben: (grins) I'm going to drink and mourn my losses somewhere.
Darkseid: Well, I'm going to travel the world some more, and do good deeds and visit Lanfir.
Ishamael: Look! A cool video is on the horizon!
Incognito: Well, so far, everything's been technically incorrect... (Phoenix duct-tapes him quiet)... Mmmm!
Phoenix, Darksmoon: Hehehehe
Grey Wolf: ...
Ciara: Aldiran, you're so cute! Can I do your portrait?
Asha'man: Now, now, missy. No painting while Dragonmount's Breaking.
Ciara: (pouts) Okay, Old Man.
Asha'man: (sputters) What?! I'm not that old! Anyway, let's watch the little movie. I want to check out the animation style and compare.
(The Breaking is shown in great detail: island falling into the sea, earthquakes, people falling into bottomless chasms, people getting squished, really bad Shadowspawn called Dragons being released that seal some Power called Crusader)
Phoenix: Look at all the pudding cups on Sathinar's Tower! Kathana sure goes through a lot. When we go there at the end of the game, er, to fix all the stuff that went wrong because of the Breaking, they will be at least some good food to eat.
Aldiran: True. Anyway, we have to all go, because there's our cue. Later, you Pretty in Pink.
(They all jump ship and eventually all meet up in a year's time to finally fix all the stuff that went wrong because of the Breaking)
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phoenix: Well... It's ...interesting, but I've never played Final Fantasy 3 (6 in Japan), so I don't understand the allusion to it. Besides, me looking good in pink? Not with this hair. (sighs) One more email, from Blackthorne... I hope it's good, because we need a good story... Oh, it's not a story, it's a poem. Cool...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey you Garth Brooks Listener you, this is a cool thing I found years ago on the internet. I thought of you as the perfect guy to send it to. Pizza, Blackthorne
Daughter of the Net, she surfs again.
The ancient flamewar, she yet fights.
A new browser she seeks, that can serve her and crash, yet serve still.
What can stand against her hacking?
The firewall shall kneel.
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.
The man who e-mails stands alone.
He gives his passwords for sacrifice.
Two links before him, one to accurate information, the other to gossip.
Which shall he choose? Which shall he choose?
What page speaks truth? What page lies?
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.
"Luc" posted on the White Tower board.
"Isam" lurked in the World-Wide Ways.
The debate is now begun. The DM Darkfriends rage and flame.
One did crash and one did not, but both post.
The Path of Daggers has come.
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.
The Incarnations wait on the RP board.
The e-mail virus rends the ancient web.
Delays shall sow, and posters flame, before the next book comes.
Delays shall reap, and fandom wane, before the next book comes.
Again the FAQs get answers wrong, before the next book comes.
System failure imminient! (Imagine these lines flashing)
System failure imminient!
Lag calls lag.
Lag feeds lag.
Lag is, and lag was, and lag shall ever be.
System failure immi> *&^(*&%%^&%&*$%^#$%#%$$(&)^&)^&(%^%^&$%^$^*%)(*&)}{[][":^^*&^%^&%#$##^$$& Your system has been infected by the
Great_Lord_of_the_Dark
computer virus.
All applications have been tainted.
All data files will be corrupted. Have a nice day!
Phoenix: (sits up) No!! Daughter of the Net, you will not taint Dragonmount! I will defend our realm!
(Typity, typity, type)
Phoenix: There! The new message boards and pages are up before she can taint them! (uh-oh) Blackthorne, you know who will be responsible if DM gets really slow. (how may I humbly serve you?) 'Yes. You and Connor.' (uh-oh) We tested the boards. They worked perfect before your little Dark One email virus. (how may I... (turns speakers off)) '*lol* That's no virus! Just a pretty bit of posy and html colour codes. Silly bird, emails are fun for kids!' Oh...
(The next morning, Phoenix checks his email.)
Phoenix: Oh no! I forgot! Connor forgot! We forgot... the boards are on MS Access! (wails) Why? Why me? Is it because of the secret pudding treaty I have with Kathana for free pudding as long as she doesn't interfere with my running of DM? Is it because I lied when I was six about the grape I ate without paying for it? The time I took the car without telling my parents and I told them that Grandma had to go to the hospital, so I drove her there?
(After an hour, he gets into the main Message Board)
Phoenix: 'Um… Sorry for making it so difficult... All users will receive compensation... I love you all... Please don't hurt me... Phoenix.' Um, that looks good. Maybe I can pay Blackthorne to do some propaganda to take the blame off me? Yeah, that's a good idea... (writes that down) If it worked for Clinton, it should work for me.
(At this moment, Phoenix's Flamme tip-toes in, wearing all black clothes, black overcoat, fedora, sunglasses and a long black hair wig and carrying a briefcase)
Phoenix: Hi hun.
Phoenix's Cunning One: Jason! Oh, you startled me. What are you doing up so early in the morning on a ...(looks at a calendar) Thursday? (nervously laughs and smiles)
Phoenix: Well, I wanted to see the changes on Dragonmount.
Phoenix's Fast-Talking Lady: Oh, that's nice. Um, I'm going upstairs now.
Phoenix: Yes, why are you dressed up like that anyway? (looks at her suspiciously) Are you Incognito?
Phoenix's Smart Lady-Friend: I... had a job interview. And I am not whatever that word you used means.
(She Who Must Be Obeyed, Phoenix! runs upstairs and prays that he never learns exactly where she was)
Phoenix: (sighs) Well, I guess I'll use that Dark Prophecy thingy that Blackie sent. It fits the present chaotic state of DM at the moment.
(Phoenix DOES and that is GOOD. DM is CHAOTIC and that is BAD. Hopefully, by the time of this emailing, ORDER is RESTORED (somewhat))
~AFTERWARDS~
Ben: Blackthorne, do you ever think about what would happen if Phoenix suddenly drop dead?
Blackthorne: Well, I try to avoid thoughts like that, but yes. (touches plywood)
Ben: What would happen to DM? Would it shut down?
Blackthorne: Well, no. I mean everyone and their monkey would post a memorial message and someone would make a memorial page and send it on icq to all the other DM people. And all the California people, or those with the money and time, would go to his funeral and get removed by the police. Dragonmount would prolly get taken over by someone else, an Org Leader maybe (doesn't look at Ben) or it would shut down, but another site would open for all the DM people. You see dreams never die. As long someone keeps it in the corner of their mind, DM will survive.
Ben: (takes out a hankie) Gee, Blacks, that was sweet.
Blackthorne: Yeah, shows you I'm an English Major. (wry grin) This is too morbid! Did you like my story?
Ben: (grins) Oh yeah, why aren't you Brown? You'd make a good Brown. And the Browns are the ones who are really in control of the Tower. Kathana's Brown. Sera's Brown. Yveva's...
Blackthorne: Nope. I'm a Warder student and that's final! (grins) You're try to get rid of me, aren't you?
Ben: Who, me? Nah, never. We don't have many students. Kind of like White Tower Novices and Accepted.
Blackthorne: Well, you now have one. I think I'll end my conversation now. I'm procrastinated enough from studying for exams.
Ben: (grins) Okay. Good luck!
~The End!~
