Rules For Calling Shotgun!

The rules listed below apply to the calling of Shotgun in an automobile. These rules are definitive and binding.

The following terms will be used in the rules:

1. SHOTGUN: Passenger seat next to the driver's seat. If more than one seats are available next to the driver then shotgun refers to the window seat
2. BITCH: Back middle seat where the legs are on the hump.
3. SHOTGUNNER: One who is in the process of calling shotgun.

1. The Basic Rules
   1. In order to call Shotgun, the caller must pronounce the word "Shotgun" long as the driver verifies the call.
   2. Shotgun may only be called if all occupants of the vehicle are outside and on the way to said vehicle.
   3. Early calls are strictly prohibited. Shotgun may only be called while walking toward the vehicle and only applies to the drive immediantly forthcoming. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one can not get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
   4. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun priviledges from one or more persons.
2. Special Cases
   These special exceptions to the rules above should be considered in the order presented; the case listed first will take precendence over any of the cases beneath it, when applicable.
   1. In the instance that the normal driver of a vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun.
   2. If the instance that the person who actually owns the vehicle is not driving, then he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless he or she declines.
   3. In the instance the the driver's spouse, lover, partner, or hired prostitute for the evening is going to accompany the group, he/she is automatically given Shotgun, unless he or she declines.
   4. In the instance that one of the passengers may become so ill during the course of the journey that the other occupants feel he/she will toss their cookies, then the ill person should be given Shotgun to make appropriate use of the window.
   5. In the instance that only one person knows how to get to a given location and this person is not the driver, then as the designated navigator for the group he or she automatically gets Shotgun, unless he or she decline.
   6. In the instance that one of the occupants is too wide or tall to fit comfortably in the back seat, then the driver may show mercy and award Shotgun to the genetic misfit. Alternatively, the driver and other passengers may continually taunt the poor fellow as he* makes a three hour trip crammed in the back. *This person is usually male because rule III.4 frequently superscedes it.
   7. Bastard Rule
      1. If the driver so wishes, he/she may institute the Bastard Rule on the process of calling Shotgun. In this case, all rules, excepting I.4, are suspended and the passenger seat is occupied by whoever can take it by force.
      2. The driver must announce the institution of the Bastard Rule with reasonable warning to all passengers. This clause reduces the amount of blood lost by passengers and the damage done to the vehicle.
3. Addenda and Variations
   1. Arizona Window Rule Shotgun can only be called outside and not through a window when the shotgunner is inside.
   2. Paul Majors Rule If you call shotgun on a long trip and then proceed to bury your face in a magazine or fall asleep immediately, you shall receive a flogging.
   3. Turkish Babe Rule A person wearing a kilt or skirt (shorter than calf length) is exempt from taking the bitch seat, unless he or she declines the exemption. Togas and most robes do not qualify for this exemption.
   4. Chivalry Rule Women always get to ride Shotgun when a man is driving unless she is good friends with the driver; then she must follow the usual Shotgun rules. When a woman is driving, it is her discretion as to if the male gets Shotgun automatically, or if he must follow the normal rules. This is a nebulous rule that is here to give the male a chance to be a "nice guy". Use this rule with caution, as it may be construed as sexist.
   5. Maria Carey Rule If at any point in a person's life he or she has uttered the phrase "Let's see what's on the easy listening station.", that person shall forever lose shotgun privelages.
   6. Poor Canada Rule If a person resigns him- or herself to bitch and verbally calls "BITCH" aloud with great conviction, then that person shall receive stupid looks and one wish from Kazaam, the magical genie that looks like Shaq.
   7. Switzerland Rule If a person says that he/she is neutral and does not care where he/she sits, then that person shall be appointed to take the position of the bitch.
   8. United Nations Rule If a pushing match occurs at the door where two or more people claim to have shotgun then the driver decides with the following criteria in mind:
      1. Ability to control the radio with good music
      2. Sexual appeal, i.e.-possibility for 3rd gear move.
      3. Size, if the person can fit in the back seat
      4. Tendency to cry like a baby if he* doesn't get his way.
      *This person is usually male because rule III.4 frequently superscedes it.
   9. Swedish Variation If a person successfully calls shotgun and then the decision is made to not leave, the claim of the person who called shotgun is off.
   10. Norweigan Variation on the Swedish Variation If a person successfully calls shotgun and then loses the right to shotgun because of a change in plans, then the plans revert back to the original plan AND the party has not gone back inside, the original claim of shotgun is granted back to the original shotgunner.
   11. Australian Variation If a race occurs to get in full view of the car, then all physical contact to obstruct an opponent is fair and legal.

Please follow the above rules to the best of your ability. If there are any arguments or execptions not covered in these rules, please refer to rule I.4.