Can you tell how I feel about being single??
Friendship
My Friend...
When you are sad, ... I will get you drunk and help
you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made
you sad.
When you are blue, ... I'll try to dislodge whatever
it is that is choking you.
When you smile, ... I'll know you FINALLY got laid.
When you are scared, ... I will rag you about it every
chance I get.
When you are worried, ... I will tell you awful
stories about how much worse it could be and tell you
to quit whinging.
When you are confused, ... I will use small words to
explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ... stay the hell away from me
until you're well again. I don't want whatever you
have.
When you are heaving, ... I will hold your hair while
you pay homage to the porcelain god.
When you fall, ... I will piss myself laughing at you.
This is my oath, ... I pledge it till the end.
Why, you may ask? Because you're my friend!
1) Remember to laugh in a crazy way. It lets people know you mean business.
2) Think highly of yourself. It helps to repeat phrases like "I'm a genius",
"I'm brilliant", "Everyone else is such a fool...because I'm such a genius!" And
remember my motto: "Those who want to rule the world do - and those who can't,
aren't real evil geniuses, are they?"
3) When forming your brilliantly evil plan, make sure that you've chosen to do
something that you really shouldn't do, and that will make the whole world know
that you're not playing with a full deck.
4) During the course of executing your plan, you will probably be stretched,
dropped, blown up, and set on fire at least once. And that is if everything goes
RIGHT. Just remember: Never give up.
5) Always leave a forwarding address in case your secret lair is destroyed or
you're sent to prison.
6) Choose a sidekick who's not as smart as you. When one of your evil plans goes
wrong (and they always do - trust me), you will at least have someone else to
blame.
7) Finish school and get a degree. Every evil genius I know went to college. My
major was complete and total world domination, with a minor in marketing. I
can't tell you how much those years in college helped me. (Conquering the world
is a lot easier than sharing a bathroom with three other girls).
8) Be prepared to have perfect strangers tell you that your brilliant plan is
against the law or a threat to society. This is not a time to rethink your plan
and see if it could be "less evil." Remember - you're an EVIL genius. Evil is
what we do, so leave the nice stuff to the good guys.
9) If your goal is something big, say world domination. always prepare a backup
plan. I have several backup plans, from the big (stealing the moon) to the small
(not rewinding rented videos).
10) Plotting against the forces of good is hard work. What you wear is important
because that's how you're going to be remembered. Frankly, anyone can blow up
the planet. But the real skill is doing it in a red sequined gown, 5-inch heels
and a feather boa.
10 Tips on Being an Evil Genius!!