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To: All Concerned
From: Santa  Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no  longer 
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and  South Carolina, 
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas  Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my  contract 
was Renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  As part of 
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for  milk and cookies 
so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your  children 
will be in good hands with your local replacement, who  happens to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the  family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all  the good boys and girls; however, there are 
a few differences between  us.

Differences such as:

1.There is no danger of the Grinch  stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh  and a bumper sticker that 
	"These toys insured by Smith  and Wesson."

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that  children leave 
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the  fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little  snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3.Bubba Claus'  sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs 
instead of reindeer. I  made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer 
one time, and  Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4.You won't hear "On  Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when 
Bubba Claus arrives.  Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Andretti, on Elliott and  Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also  are 
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6.As  required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have 
a Yosemite  Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back  Off.

7.The usual  Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" 
and "It's a  Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated Viewing 
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state  patrol 
cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus  doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, 
the wife, and the  kids turn the other way when he bends over to put 
presents under the  tree.

Sincerely Yours,
	Santa Claus

According to  the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,
while both male and female reindeer  grow antlers in the
summer each year, male reindeer drop their
antlers  at the beginning of winter, usually late November
to mid  December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth  in the
spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition  depicting
Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen......had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women would be  able to drag a fat man in a 
red velvet suit all around the world in one  night, and not get lost.