Natasha Blight This is a journal of my first college year. It starts at Spring Break, and ends at graduation in second year. I operated under the name Spirit Shine, which I still use now and then...It's a really bad Bad Religion Lyric (Spirit Shine, It's A Sign, Of A Tortured Mind).

Has K changed at all?

Well, in my opinion I'm not half as depressed, drug addicted, or death orientated anymore.

But if you're bored, or curious, read on and make your own decisions.


Ophelia's Passage

By Spirit Shine






Location: Helleville
Age: 22 Sex : F



Graduation 6/11/2004



It was grad.
I saw Jordan's, it was boring, but enthusiastic. The Radio students went out and got drunk, and Shay flashed people four times, then got kicked out of the bar for being too far gone.
My grad was today. Stupid fucking Scott was there, but I ignored him. I hung out with Gill cause she was alphabetically beside me, and we sang the badger song and talked about the prostate.
Rachy II and me made grad hats, they didn't give you one. I wore mine. She didn't. I threw mine at the end of the ceremony and hit some kid in the face, ah well.
The drive back was long and boring, and I am tired. I bought sunglasses as my grad gift to myself. I am so fucking tired.
I think tomorrow I will sleep all day.

I am a college graduate.


Stood Up 6/8/2004


I was supposed to hang out with Kosher last night.
He stood me up.
That feels like shit.


For Future Reference 5/28/2004



>Kristy:
>Of course I'll do what I can to assist you with a reference. I can state only positives in terms of what I know of your intelligence, work habits and character. You need to be aware, though, that I'm not comfortable with and would not give my opinion or comments on such matters as your temperament and fitness.
>OK?
>Jane B

> > >Ok, Jane. Here's the deal. You're a bitter old woman telling me about my temperament. Likewise, most cops do have a temperament. Physical, I don't know if you read my whole email, but it stated that I was WORKING on getting into shape. I do 50 push-ups and 100 sit-ups everyday (this is only day four people) and I go for a one mile run every day...and you're putting me down? I'd like to see you do ten push-ups on that gimpy little arm of yours.

> >Personal Suitability. I'm a saddist with high moral standards. Is that a contradiction? I enjoy people's suffering, but I like to do what's right. >I remember Kosher saying, "Well, off to cause some more civil distress". And smiling off he went.
>So, you're mad cause I don't want to be a paralegal. You're pissed cause I won't go to your stupid graduation lunch.

> >I agree, I have a temper, as this entry obviously shows, but I quite frankly think you're a bitch....and don't worry, I won't use you as a reference.


An Email to Equin0x AKA Kicked to the Streets 5/9/2004



I spent the weekend in Belleville again.
I got into Belleville around 9:00 at night, and John has to go to bed at 10 or 10:30, so I c hose to stop by his house first, see him, and get baked. I phoned up Shay and Nadiene to tell them when I'd be over so I would have a place to crash. Shay sounds pissed off. I ask her if she'll be around the next morning so I can see her. She says she has to go to bed early, because she has so many errands to run...so she'll be waking up SO early, that she has to go to bed SUPER early. I say ok, but I'll go with you, everything seems fine. I hang up the phone. THe phone rings not two minutes later, and John picks up. He tries to have small talk with Shay but is blown off. The phone is given to me. Her voice is raspy. It says,

> "Kristy, are you stoned?"
"What do you think."
"Listen, you can't crash here tonight if you're stoned."

"What?! When did this rule happen."

> "Look, it's what Nadiene wants."
"So where am I supposed to go?"
"I don't know."
"Ok. Cool."
"Sorry."
The phone on Shay's side is hung up, and I'm left with my stoner friends contemplating where the hell I am going to sleep.
Brianna, Tyler, Matt, Hotel, Streets.
I can't really do any. Am I to sleep on the streets? Am I to find some corner and curl up for the worst night of my life?
John begs his parents, and I am allowed to sleep in Wendy's room. The room where she was raped not more than two weeks ago. I don't sleep well. I have fucked up dreams. But at least I am not on the streets.
John goes to work at 4 am. I wake up at quarter to eight. I remember Shay said she had to go early, so I leave about five minutes later so I can go run these SUPER IMPORTANT errands with her. I arrive at her house at 8. I ring the doorbell once. I wait.
I wait.
I wait.
I ring the doorbell for the second time.
I wait.
I wait.
Shay answers the door.
The girl who couldn't stay up late to see me because she had to wake up SUPER early to run SUPER IMPORTANT errands is still in her pyjamas.
I question her about stuff.
I woke her up.
I take her, Nadiene and Olivia out for Breakfast at Denny's. The meal comes out to $40, $45 plus the tip, all of which I pay.
When we have finished and are preparing to leave, I ask Shay what (SUPER IMPORTANT) errands she has to run, so I can help her with them.
She says she doesn't have any.
I am pissed inside.
We go to Super Pet to look at pets. I ask Nadiene that if I sober up before going back to the apartment if she'll let me sleep there.
She says that wasn't why I was kicked to the street, it was because I went to John's house first. I am more pissed.
I tell niether of them where I slept, but I insinuate that I slept on the streets.
I buy Shay an $80 Tarantula. it is a bird eater.
I leave around 5 to go to John's, I offer to pick them both up Raunchy Ron's on the way home, which will be around 11. They both agree. They give me their order. And I go.
I hang out with John until 11, and then I go back to Shay and Nadiene's place.
I try to open the door. It is locked.
I ring the bell once.
I wait.
I wait.
I wait.
I ring the bell for the second time.
I wait.
I wait.
Nadiene answers the door.
Next time you plan on CRASHING at MY apartment, you have until ten to get here, or your on the STREETS AGAIN."
I told her 11 and she was fine with that.
I'm pissed, but I use their bed.



5/5/2004 5/5/2004



I've already met you.
Yeah I've already met you
. You're like my last girlfriend, yeah, and the girlfriend I had before her.
I want the soundtrack to Run Lola Run. I love that movie.
I got my school ring the other day. It's nice.
I am very tired.
I want to have another good weekend...I don't care where.
I hate Georgetown.


March for Marijuana 5/2/2004




Yesterday I went to TO to see John. He had been to a rave the night before. He was pretty stoned when I found him in Union Station and he dragged me down to Queen's Park to march in the March for Marijuana.
ALthough I stayed sober through the entire thing, I was thoroughly amused to see so many people being escorted by Police, toking as they marched with Bongs and pipes and joints through the streets of TO. It was fun. There was a couple of goth people on the balcony waving at us.
There was such a diverse type of people. It was great.
I drove John home, and he toked me two joints. I hung out with Shay and Nadiene and Baby Oscar. And then I spent all today with my Jordan. It was a pretty sweet weekend.
I had fun.


4/26/04 4/26/2004



I am confused.
And tired.
I am tired of everything.


IAMOD 4/25/2004



Behold my self destruction.
Marvel at my festering.
I am rotten.
I am decay.
Fall to your knees
Fall and lay eyes upon my decadence.
Kiss the scars.
Lick the wounds.
Infection.
Disease.
Pestilance.
I am my own destruction.
I am my own disease.


4/25/04 4/25/2004



Jay talked me into going to Belleville last minute on Friday night.
I got really stoned.
It only makes shit go away for so long.
I told off the Nick guy. It was fun.
I am a confused girl.
Pins and needles, needles and pins, a happy girl is a girl that grins.


4/22/04 4/22/2004



I felt so amazing a few days ago.
And now I feel like shit. I feel disgusting...I feel so worthless......
You said I should see how hot I am...they never thought I was hot...they never thought I was attractive....they never wanted my body...they all just wanted sex....
I feel used.
Fuck........I want to die.


Regrets 4/22/2004



Barrie Davis
Robin Maile
Karlene Stokes.
Lacey Barnard.
Ryan.
Geoff Jennson.
Collin.
Frank.
Rachy 2.
John Weight.
Nick Wight.
John


Ten Times the Charm 4/22/2004



On average, it takes ten attempts for a person to successfully kill themself.
I was going to last night. I tested the hooks in the bathroom to make sure they could hold my weight, and then I got a tye and knotted it. You can lock the bathroom door. I would take about five minutes after unconsciousness to die.
I wrote my note.
I wanted someone to tell me life is worth living...but in retrospect, I know that no one can convince me of that...what am I doing but burning time?
I hanged myself to the verge of passing out, then pulled myself out of it. And then I just sat on the bathroom floor and cried.
I woke up later with Merlin snuggled ontop of me. My neck hurts, and there's bruising, but no one has asked.....
I wish I weren't so scared.....


4/21/04 4/21/2004



I am so bored.
Jordan keeps changing his mind about whether or not I can go to Belleville. Yes, I would want to hang out with John and get stoned and crap...but I also want to see Shay, who has Saturday off.
It was office work all today. And it was boring. Maybe I do want to go to Uni.
I talked to Rachy 1 last night. She's doing otay. I haven't talked to Rachy 2 and I really don't want to. I want to find my oil...and I want to find a shit load of my old diaries and read them.
I have the one...but it's not really a diary so much as random thoughts put randomly down on paper..
I let Merlin out today and found her later ontop of my Sponge Bob Pinata.
I haven't watched TV since I've been home.
I'm supposed to hang out with Scary Steve tonight...
I have an idea to make a skirt. Maybe I will do that tomorrow night. It sounds like a plan.
I found the stuff to make an evil santa hat...go team me.
Have I ever mentioned I hate you all.
I really do.
Did anyone else used to plot revenge when they were six years old?
Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the song "You and I March to the Beat of a Different Drum"? I never had until today, and I was moderately surprised...I always thought it was just a hippie song.
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist and tells you where to go, tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial...for what its worth, it was worth all the while... it's something unpredictable...but in the end its right...I hope you had the time of your life.
I rose from off the doctor's slab.
I lost of a piece of my hart.
Now Everyone gets to take a stab.
And rip me up into parts.
I gave a piece to my mother.
I gave a piece to my man.
I gave a piece to the rock star.
He took the good stuff and ran.
Shoot in the head you mother fucking fag.
Fucking end it all then.
I fucking dear you.
you hear me?
Stop shitting on me already and just end it.......
No. That's cause you're a pussy.


4/20/04 4/20/2004



I feel like curling up into a ball and crying.
I feel like laying on the floor and dying.
John says you shouldn't fear death, cause it's coming no matter what you do. I wish I could listen to that. I wish I could just off myself and be done with it.
And I sat back today reading my old journals and wondered who the hell I am. I was so different back then...so, am I Kristy? Or aren't I? I don't fucking know. It was really fucked up.
Jordan threatened to dump me if I went to hang out with John. I got pissed. I may never see the stupid fuck head again, and now I'm being threatened not to go...and it's understandable...but upsetting.
And I feel so stupid......Disgusting and stupid.
And far too sober for today of all days.
I had a dream once where my neck was broken and I died...and it was a great nothingness. It was a great emptiness. I thought that then I wouldn't fear death, and I wouldn't fear nothing.
So why can't I kill myself?
Ever since grade nine I knew there was nothing for me in life. I looked into my future and I saw nothing. I was just burning time. There is nothing in this world that will truly make me happy or fulfilled. There is nothing I will ever do...there is nothing I will ever accomplish. I am my own destruction. So I am just burning time. I know that I am a useless nothing. I know I will never amount to anything...so I just burn time until I die.
Paul asked me the other day if all that was creative and wonderful about me had turned into apathy and smoke. Well, Paul, quite frankly, you did a lot of it. You were my muse man. You made me hate myself, so I wrote....and now you're gone...I still hate myself...but I have nothing left to say...I have no love left in me....I'm as hollowed out as you ever wanted me to be...I don't know if you'd be happy about that now or not.
I got a speeding ticket...someone hit my car...I burned myself with a cigarette because I hate myself...I am broke...I am broken...I cheated on my boyfriend...I ruined friendships...


I am my own destruction.


Wicked Little Town Reprised 4/9/2004



I am stressed. So all I want to do is sleep. And smoke.
I don't want to do the dishes. And I don't want to pack up the house.
And as fucked up as it is, I am going to miss Belleville.
I am going to miss Shay, Rachy I, Rachy II, John Quick, Joe, Angela, Amy, Maggie, everyone. I am going to miss them. I am going to miss sitting around in my living room on a school night smoking up. I am going to miss drinking with friends. I'm going to miss having a shit load of crap to do, but there's no one here to actually make me do it. I'm going to miss free expression, I am going to miss my make-up, I am going to miss convient sex, I am going to miss loud music. I'm going to miss not having to tell some one where I am going, I'm going to miss smoking a cigarette in the bathroom so Jordan won't know - actually I won't miss that.
I am going to miss this run down shit hole of a town....and that depresses me. I have lived here two years, I have made friends, and now I have to leave....and honestly, deep down somewhere, I DON'T want to leave.
I don't want to leave.
My friends are here. My life is here. FUCK that, I AM HERE!
Shit, I hate this fucking town.
I was feeling really fucked up yesterday cause I was cutting.
I feel so fucked....in the head half the time....and it's just swimming around, and it pisses me off, and freaks me out.
I am going to easter dinners on Sunday. I have Saturday free. Shay is going out on the weekend.
I hate having to pack. I hate doing nothing. Yet I can't stand the thought of packing up this house.


Ride the Rocket 4/8/2004



I have been so fucked up the past few days. I mean really fucked up.
And I remember all this shit, but I can't say if I imagined it or not...did I?
There's this haze around my memory that keeps me from knowing if it's real or not....fucks sake.

I think I should cut back this weekend.
But for now,
I'm off to smoke a rocket.


Poopsickle 4/7/2004



I hung out with John and Courtney all last night...well, after I finished my communications report. We sat around doing grenades and it was really fun....we got really messed up. I was supposed to drive Courtney home, but I lend Shay the car at night so she won't get rapped and killed on the way to work...so I had to pay for her cab...and then most of my money was gone...it sucked.
I bought Shay a pair of boots too. It was because her old ones were all falling apart and shit. Scott can lick my ass....Stupid immature fuck head....you think at 38 you'd stop acting like a 15 year old...fuck off....
I'm a firm believer in stooping to other people's levels....and pickles last forever, just like diamonds....
I had to get my engagement ring fixed, and that was fucking expensive....it sucked...I wish it hadn't of broke....
Jordan is in Nunavut, and that sucks too....which is why I've been toking with John so much.
I still feel kind fucked up now...I need to get some coffee to sober up. Thank god school is almost over. People in t his class are too fucking competitive...I hate it....I will be happy next year when I am at WLU studying stuff that actually fuckin interests me.
There has been so much crap going on. I hate Belleville...it's full of stupid people, and hate...I swear this town is cursed....
Merlin's toes are finally molting, it's only taken a week. I was getting worried that they were going to fall off....
I've gotten better, I only consciously think of you once a week now...in passing....In fact, I was talking about you the other day when me and some of the girls were talking about the lays we've had in our life....small dick, good lay...ha.
I've been talking about you too....Someone asked me about relationships and stuff, and I'm like, "Hey, Jordan's not my first fiance." And then I spout the whole fucked up story....generally when I'm really baked....Man, I'm a loud stoner.....
I have black and purpole make up on today and my key hole bondage shirt...cool.
I shouldn't have come in so early....why did I, to proof read, HA! Like that would happen, I'm too earliy distracted.....
Poopsickle.
Fuck you.
You heard me, I said, FUCK YOU.
Ha, I told you. I'm angry....and I need coffee....
Man, mornings are not my things.
Hate you all....Well, just the vast majority of you.
One day I hope to fucking kill a shit load of people.


4/2/2004 4/2/2004



I smoked my self green when Jordan left for Nunavut.
I spent a good nine hours just smoking shoot after shoot to numb myself, to be happy; it's no fun smoking by yourself.
I sit in my darkened room with a glass shard in hand and I carve shallow wounds into my skin. Above my heart I carve vanity, on my wrists greed and lust, on my back I put sloth, on my stomach I put gluttoney, on my collar bone I put envy, and on my right side I put revenge. All shallow wounds, all shallow purposes.
I smoke with John and Nick a lot. They come over quite often.
Last night Jon came over and left me a whole bunch of weed...It was really cool of him.
I don't consider weed so much a habit as a hoby.
I'm going to have to buy a lot when I go home...I won't have any contacts when I leave.
I can't see myself inside of you.
I have this fucking communications report I have to do today....fuck man, I just did a wake and bake and now I have to come down before I can fucking work on shit....shoulda thought of that before you toked.......crap.....hahaha
I wish Jordan were around...and not in nunavut....
You suck man, you fucking suck....you cock sucking piece of crap!!!!!
Whoa.
fuck
Merlin... god dammit.


3/14/04 3/14/2004



Jordan has been sick for the last week or two. I can feel that I am starting to get sick too, which sucks.
I went to Melanie the other day to talk about my communications mark, which turned into a semi-history of myself...but it was interesting. She gave me some chapters to review which are supposed to help...but who knows....I can't drop below a 60...or else I'll feel fucked.
We cleaned the house like crazy because Claire was supposed to show people around...no one showed, and at eight that night we got a call from her cancelling the viewing and making vague reference to the possibility of people coming through this weekend.
No one has shown yet.
John showed up on Friday night high on E. He gave us a joint, so I gave him a 20mg of my anit-depressents to rail. He was quite excited. He was having a threesome that night. Me and Jordan smoked the joint the next day in the bathroom with the shower running and the tub full of hot water. It was almost like a suana.
Today we did laundry.
My mother's cat, Zombie, is here. He is adorable. I love him.
I was put on antidepressants and anxiety pills.
Jordan and Shay made me go, because I had an anxiety attack the night before. And the day of.
My parents have yet to inform me if they want me to commute to WLU everyday, or if I should live in the city. I leave it to their discretion, as it's their money.
I have a bit of homework to do tonight. hurrah.
I feel pretty shitty actually.
I have a crapload of stuff I should do, but I'm leaving it until later.


WLU.CA 3/8/2004



I accepted my offer of admission at WLU on Thursday.
I am waiting for conformation that my acceptance was recieved.
On Friday Rachy II and Matt and John and Courtney came over. We drank a lot of beer and got really high.
Shay has been sad a lot, so I bought her an egyptian tarot deck I saw at Chapters. I figured she'd like it, and the art work was really pretty. Shay really likes Tarot things, and she really likes ancient Egypt...so I bought it to try to cheer her up.
I bought myself a Yoga video for when I can't make it to the gym.
I've been going to the gym five days a week for an hour and a half each day. I am trying to get back into shape. I have also been walking a lot more...it saves on gas.
I got 50/50 on my Civil Law Midterm and 29/30 on my Administrative Law Midterm. I'm pretty sure I bombed comflict management, but that's because I was upset...because of Debbie.
I went to Debbie's funeral on Saturday. It was a long drive and cold out, so we couldn't bring Merlin. I gave her mother my pewter iguana pin I always wear on my coat. I told her that Debbie has loved Merlin and that I was so very glad to have known her daughter and to have met her. Debbie's mom is a very nice lady.
On Saturday night we smoked up with John and Courtney again. We all decided to watch Hedwig, John hates that movie so he left. He was wearing this corset he had bought and a skirt, and some nice make-up. His hair was coming out of it's braids though.
Sunday we cleaned. And worked. And watched a great movie called, "the Bride with White Hair". Me, Shay and Jordan thoroughly enjoyed it.
Jordan is trying to get contacts around WL so he can work there while I am at university. I was looking at the classifides for that part ON, seeing if I could find a decently priced one bedroom apartment. I am very excited as I will get to learn history, forensics and semitic languages.
I am trying to decide on a minor.
School work is getting heavy.
And I am tired.
I think I'll take a nap soon.


Her Name was Debbie McCumber. 3/1/2004



Debbie's memorial service was today.
I cried. And so did Shay and Rachy II. Jordan was there and looked sad...boys don't cry.
I will miss Debbie, and every class absent of a stupid question will remind me that she is gone.
Debbie was only 39. They say if stupid fucking Belleville Hospital had hooked her up to the machine she would have lived. Debbie could have lived if not for incompetence and neglect.
I know the hurt will go away...but there will always be a reminder of Debbie...and I won't forget her....I promise her that much.
Her funeral is on Saturday. We're taking Merlin because she loved that lizard.


Serenity 2/28/2004



Debbie McCumber is dead.
A woman who tried her best in everything, she worked hard for all she ever had.
She had this squinty little smile that warmed your heart. I saw it a few times; once when we gave her flowers, and she was all happy and dried and pressed them, and second when she picked up her kittens for the first time.
The first words the woman ever said to me were, "Don't you ever change how you look for other people. You gotta be you."
I found out from email...and I cried.
Was Debbie Ever Even Real?
Death seems so surreal to me. People don't just disappear. But they do.
Debbie was my friend. Debbie was a good lady.
I will miss her.

Here's to you, Deb, wherever you may be.

Brahmin.


2/20/04 2/20/2004



I have been sober for a few days now, go me.
And finally Spring Break has started, I am so happy.
I am free from all the projects and stress...
I have flat broke...I hope my mother sends me a substantial amount of money tonight. I need to buy a new bulb for Oreo ($15), get some water stuff for the arachnids ($15), pay the rent ($265), be able to drive to GT with enough money to pay for gas to come back ($40-$60), groceries (about $60), and laundry (a good $20).
I am going for chili at Rachy II's house tonight and then John is coming over around nine to smoke up...I'm going to put a sheet over the doorway to super hotbox it.
I need to get special shampoo for my hair now too, so it won't grow mold....
I need to clean the house before I go....
PENIS!!!
I'd really like some more drugs...

Ah well....
Can't spend my money on that this month.


2/17/04 2/17/2004



I am sober...go me...it's been almost a week, but I am completely sober...
and I have to stay this way, because it's crunch week....right before Spring Break....
I have the class photo today...which is stupid.


2/16/04 2/16/2004



Last night was really fucked up. I had two percacet and quite a bit of weed and I couldn't see straight.
I like perc's, they made me not feel. It was nice to be so apathetic. I think they might still be in my brain chemistry a bit this morning.
Not much has been happening.
I am still broke.
And my arms are sliced which really hurts.
Briana won't talk to me. I accept I lost her as a friend. It is a pity, but so it goes.


2/15/04 2/15/2004



Stoned on perc's.


It's nice.
Briana wouldn't even listen to my apology. Oh well...she wasn't a good friend anyway.
Actually, I really don't care....fuck her.

I feel very heavy......
This is really nice....


2/15/04 2/15/2004



Scott gave me hard drugs...
I have morphine and percocet and I think I'll take them...
It's not like anyone can stop me.....
And why not......
Being sober sucks....friends suck....life in general sucks....
In this diary you can watch me become a chronic...good for me...


Violence 2/14/2004



I went balistic on Jordan.
He sat there knowing I was getting upset as his friend made fun of me and did nothing about it.
SO I punch and slapped and kicked him.........just like I had done to my mother in grade ten.
I gave him back his rings, told him our relationship wasn't healthy, and went into my room with my litre of beer.
I'm happy I am dying. As slow as it may be. There's not much point to anything anymore.
Life's made for the living, so I may as well get the hell out.


The Wackiest. 2/12/2004



Stoned right now.
As I tend to be this time of night.
Rolled two joints of what was left of the stuff Scott gave us. I had one and so did Jordan...
. It's nice.
I wish I could be like this all the time........
Wish I had more money....
I wish, oh I wish, I hadn't killed that fish.
It's like kissing a peanut.
Dying tickles.
I bent my wookie...
What's a battle?
I'm jealous of girls because they can wear dresses.
One issue at a time son, one issue at a time.
Fiddle dee dee
Simpsons.
I'm bored....
God I hate this life.


Straight and Narrow 2/6/2004



Well, so much for the straight and narrow.
After it was brought to my attention that I had a problem, namely by Shay looking at me trying to smoke the resin off the screen of the water pipe and saying "Man, you have a problem.", I decided to try to stay sober all week....
It lasted until Thursday...I smoked up again....and it was nice....and Jay and Silent Bob are very very funny....And then I had stoned sex and all was good....
I know weed is messing me up, as I really haven't done any school work since January...and I know that I'm getting addicted, and when I can't have weed I sneak smokes so Jordan won't know...And it's really really really not good.
Bentley is big.
I got bad news....I think I'll double check it though....
Ian makes me mad.
My applications for university are in...I think I'll end up going to Ottawa...as Rachy II will be there and I'll have a roommate and Shay will be up there too.
I am smoking tonight.


2/2/2004 2/2/2004



So Mark is threatening to do something to me. Fine then. I don't care. Last week he said to me, "In my old age I have learnt restraint, do not take my silence for something it is not."
Now he is mad at me for not talking to him or making up. He told me not to take silence for something it's not. Why should I take it as forgiveness, much less friendship. He explicitely warned me not to. Now he's paranoid because I'm hanging around all the people he bad mouths.
Ha.

I'm getting too old for all these mind trips really.
It gets tiring after awhile.


Cards 1/16/2004


<
Br> I did a reading on myself and another. It says that you are living in a world of illusion.
that you use busy work to avoid the reality of yourself, and that you are not spending your money wisely. It also says that you have lost touch with something within yourself. Sex perhaps...not in the masterbation sense...cause that sounds horribly. It says you scramble to hide relity from yourself.
That really doesn't surprise me.
As for me...it says in every card to let you go.


60 Dollars Gone 1/16/2004



When we got home to Belleville after Christmas we bought six grammes of weed. In retrospect it was a bad idea...as we smoked it every night for about a week...and now I want more...we have saved one bud for tonight...but...yeah...
I smoked a cigarette to try to curb the craving.
Eva is addicted to morphine now.
Scott might come to hang out with us tonight.
I'm getting the urge to cheat on Jordan again...but don't I always.
I bought a leopard gecko, whom I named Oreo, with my Christmas money.
School work seems busy.
I applied to three Universities...and I'm going for an ATC test on March 27.
I can't remember too much about Barrie anymore. At Christmas I destroyed him as I destroyed Paul...but I resolved things with Paul...he is happy...and I am happy for him. I thought for a minute of sending all the different things to Barrie...I thought perhaps they still made him happy, as compared to my sad and angry. There were so many things...I put a few of the more...special things in a bag, incase I ever find a copy of his address I haven't destroyed so as to send them to him. If they would make him happy, he may as well have them.
I purchased white hair toner....I plan to start slowly, until after placement, then I will go crazy. Sometimes I feel the urgent need to escape. Somedays I feel the desperate need to destroy myself. Jordan yells at me when he sees my cuts. John went in for his second test on Wednesday...so, if his comes back negative, I don't have to worry about myself...which would be a good thing....I don't want AIDS.
I bought a pair of converse high top sneakers. ANd a bunch of witch socks, and more black eyeliner, and some voodoo dreds...and lots of clothes.
Megan Beatty has been hanging out with Meggie and wants to be a goth, and I realize I am gradually becoming elitist as I accumulate my fashions. Megan is a chameleon, and she copies people to fit to her 'environment'. She only has one pair of black jogging pants, and one black hoddie, and suddenly she thinks she's hard core...it's scary.

When you take an hour getting ready to go outside to apply your make-up and pick out the perfect outfit, then...you're horribly vaine like myself....
I like jpop.
I wrote Sarah from England (trip one) on Wednesday, and she wrote me back...I was very happy to hear from her...she was a good friend that summer.
Rachy II laughes at me. She is one of my best friends. She says that sometimes she looks up to me because of how mature I am, and other times she's embarassed of how immature I am...but she says she loves me, so she puts up with it.
I feel like I never see Rachy I anymore. And I really don't, I saw her my first week back, and we all toked and played RISK. That was the last time she was over.
It's fecking cold...it's going to be a horrible winter!!!!
My father is importing a plane in Denver.
I can't wait until later tonight, when I can have some weed....
My arthritis is bothering me.


12/30/03 12/30/2003



Bentley broke a $50 lizard light bulb. I was pissed. I can only find those bulbs in Peterborough, in a store that specializes in exotic pets.
So, yesterday when we went to visit Rachy I bought another, it was on sale for $40. Merlin seems happy enough right now without the bulb though, but it will just be her Christmas present.
I got rid of Shay's mouse (Chrissies') and the last surviving child of Cappicino, Scruffy. The pet store in town, of which I am slightly friends with the owner, took it in.
I tried to drink my favourite last night, RUM, but it still makes my stomach cringe with memories of the blue box, so I only ended up doing two shots. That was a horrible sentence.
We played risk for a good four hours. That being Rachy, Sarah, Galin, Sam, and Jordan. We were supposed to go to the Trash...an 80's bar...it didn't happen.
I can't decide what to do with my $500.
I miss Lacey. She never showed up this Christmas.
Well, she'd only of depressed me anyway.
Jordan and I are having Sushi tomorrow night for New Years.
Me and my family saw the Producers on Sunday. It was excellent. Then we had Thai. I was the only one who could use chopsticks...and I did throughout the entire meal. It was very good food.
I felt I should write an indepth entry...I guess I'll leave that till I'm back in Belleville.


End of Placement 12/22/2003



I have conducted about seven to ten HTA trials, and all have been convicted. I am quite pleased of myself, nothing caters to a sadist more than a)winning and b)beating the other person into the ground. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a person lose their trial (to yourself) and that look in their eye that signifies they are about to cry.
Oh yes, there is nothing better.
Being at home has helped me forget some of my worries.
I went to Laura's party, despite feeling really sick earlier in the day (I blame it on lack of anything to eat, I had just had coffee all day). I was glad I was able to see some people, I could have done without some others. But, whatever, that's life.
Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it, so don't forget to laugh and sing and smile.
Merlin has been doing ok since she has been home.
She was hurting herself trying to escape from her cage earlier last week, so I have given her free range of my room. I must admit that it is a bit disorientating to have a two foot long lizard drop onto your bed in the middle of the night though.
The cats are doing ok.
I've only gotten in one fight with my mom.
Chris Garland stood up for Barrie, but then...he doesn't know the story.
One thing I've been thinking about is concensuale rape. Is there such a thing....I mean, if someone just badgers you until you give in and let them have sex...I know it's not rape in any legal term.....but once all is done, you still feel dirty and violated....
Concensuale rape...horribly misspelled....that is too....but some form of violation none the less.
I am going to see my grandparents tomorrow, I have not seen them in two years.
Somedays I hate this wicked little town.


Provincial Offences Court 12/9/2003



I don't even know what compelled me to look through my old photo's. Oh wait, never mind, I do know, I thought that I sho uld organize the ones from recent years into photo albums.
My pictures tend to make me sad. Faded faces and faded memories. I'll be like an Egyptian and take away those I wish to forget and wash away that memory from ever existing...just as I always have done.
Why destroy old pictures. Because I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember long ago happy times now turned sour. I don't want to remember friendships and relationships just as torn apart as the pictures are themselves. Why remember the happy times that now make me so sad.
Why remember lost friends, now dead to me.
Do I not lament enough over them already.
***
Court has been exceedingly busy. I enjoy first attendance meetings, as they cater to my vindictive nature. I am supposed to get a trial or two in before the end of this placement, if I do, Rai has agreed to be a reference on my resume. If I put in a few trials, I can say I have Prosecutions experience, and hopefully get a part time job in Toronto that pays $25 an hour, which would be exceedingly nice compared to what I have been paid thus so far in my life. I was supposed to have a trial today, and I thought I would for sure, as this one gentleman was not sure what to do with his speeding ticket, he was 40 km/hr over the limit. He gave me this long sob story and I finally said I'd take it down to 15. He was pushing for me to withdraw it, and I told him I had absolutely no intention of doing such a thing.
15 over is about as low as you can go....actually, it is. So, the man says he wants to plea NOT GUILTY. He keeps bothering me to tell him what to do, what would be best....First off, I can't tell him, I cannnot give him counsel, I'm the bloody Prosecution, secondly, whatever choice he makes must be his own! So, I was excited and anticipating an easily won trial, to no avail - at last minute he took the deal and I had none today.

Tomorrow I will be doing Part II offences (Parking Violations) so I expect there to be some trials....I hope!
I have the Zombie kitten home, my mother wants to rename it to mittens. I said NO!. Merlin and Jordan come home on Friday.
As we couldn't afford a ring my mother gave us my great grandmother's engagement ring. It's kind of tacky, but I like the whole family heirloom idea...so it will stay...until the summer when we have money anyway.
My life has basically been court...so I don't have time to think about other stuff.
In February I have to go and get tested.
I've b een saving my last joint for New Years....I don't have any hook-ups in Georgetown anymore...and Jordan doesn't seem to be taking any initiative to get anymore.
Rachy I, Jordan and I have been talking about going to the Velvet Underground, which means we have to find a way home from Toronto late at night...with me boozed up....I'm the only one that drives...which reminds me, I have my G licence now, yay me.
Well, I'm exhausted...and I have to go read through some by-laws to prepare for tomorrow.
For any of you that actually read this, and actually give a flying fuck,

Happy Holidays.


I'm an AIDS baby. 11/17/2003



I may have HIV.
How much does that suck.
What a stupid way to die...

. Just when things seemed to be falling together, I had to go and do something stupid...what a stupid way to die.

There's no point in getting tested until February.
It wouldn't show up at this point if I did have it.


How much does that suck.


Radio Wing 11/17/2003



In Radio they use massive razzor blades to cut reel-to-reel when it gets fucked up.

Jordan was using some and I stole one.

My god, it is amazing!

It slices through skin like butter.

I know what Barrie was talking about.
I shouldn't have made him throw them away.
They are releiving and invigorating.
I sliced up my upper arm and chest today...where no one (at home) will see.
I don't want to upset my parents...

Me and Jordan's 2 year was last thursday. He proposed to me. I said yes. I don't have a ring...we don't have money...And I question whether this is serious or not.

I have an exam to write in an hour.
And I need to go to the nurse to get the "morning after" pill.
The kittens are mobile now. I woke up this morning to find them all in my room.
I go home this Friday.
I need to call my placement guy today.


Knives 11/3/2003



The week from hell is over and two more weeks of it approach.
As of November 20th, my classes are done and I proceed to placement, although I am looking forward to drinking with old friends and seeing some of the stuff I've been missing out on back home.

I have to work on my University stuff later....and all that crappy jazz.

Halloween was depressing. I didn't bother to dress up. I dressed up the night before and went to the Shark Tank to see what the Halloween pub was like...it was an excuse for girls to not wear pants....and having to remain sober made it even less tolerable. We only stayed for an hour and a half. Plus, with Jordan just having "cheated" on me, I really didn't feel like sitting with him in a bar filled with scantly clad girls.

I'm just in a horrible mood tonight. Aren't I every night though?

The TM test I thought I failed, I passed with an 86%. Why am I here? If any test I would have failed, my god that would be it.

The landlord FINALLY replaced our door...it is metal and air tight...which is very nice.

Good god, I hate existence.
I really do. It's just one piece of shit after another.
And I want to be as far away as I can half the time from them...........
Chrissie apparently moved in with some other unfortunate girl the past weekend.
I discovered one of our neighbours watches us with binoculars....strange....
I asked you once what was better, to be fat and happy, or dieting and worrying........

You chose the former.
Either way, I don't think I'd ever be happy.
This stupid fuck head called Colin (not the one from BR) said "How can I love anyone else, when I cannot love myself?" That makes sense to some degree.

Shay got a pet fish. It is named Ravage.
Rachy was trying to convince me to go to Queens University so I would be near by. I told her that I was sorry, and that I wanted to be as far from this area of the world as possible. I'm aiming for home or city. Somewhere we're more welcome.

I don't long for anything today. Not for the past, nor the future.

Wait, I do long for something.......oblivion.
But I'm a coward.......so I'll just sit here and bitch and complain.

Somedays I wish someone random on the street would just stab me to death and get it done with. Jon Q may have HIV. The prospect changed his life style for about a day...then he went right back to the drugs and sex. He won't know for three months if he's positive or not.


Tigger had her kittens. Of six three survived:

Zombie, Yami, and Alex. Zombie has a semi-collapsed rib cage. I don't know if we should give him away. He has trouble breathing and hyperventalates when he's scared. Alex is the fattest, that one is going to a lady in my class, Amy. And Yami, the only girl, I don't know what's happening with her, Shay hasn't decided if she wants to/ is able to keep it.

Classes are becoming heavy. Projects are pilling up. After this week and the five tests I must write and the project I must produce by tomorrow, I have to look into universities and prepare my application.

I have to go to the doctor's on Thursday. I may have blood poisoning...I guess that's what I get for trying to burn out a wart with a cigarette and when that's not working, try to cut it out with an sterelized (horrible spelling) nail clippers. The nurse says if the streaking gets worse to come back before my appointment with the doc.

Merlin and Yoshi get to go see Jeff later this week. Merlin has a dent in her nose, and I want to make sure it's not a calcium problem, and Yoshi looks like he has cotten mouth or some similar affliction. I prefer Jeff over the vet because a)Jeff is free! b)Jeff was the president of the Iguana Association of Toronto and c) He know A LOT more than the vet here in Helleville that costs $50 an hour.

I've been drawing Hentai recently...It's moderately amusing.

The ghost of a young girl has been bothering me constantly. She is very angry.

We performed self-repairs on our front door because our landlord refuses (well, she's giving us the run-a-round) to fix it.

Chrissie is long gone. And a moron. Apparently she's already failing all her classes. And she got a RABBIT! Stupid fucking fat ass rotten cunt whore. She couldn't take care of mice, a rat or a cat and she thinks she can look after a rabbit? I kept a rabbit for eight years, they require attention and care or else they get sick and DIE. And to top it all off, her land lord (WHOM SHE LIVES WITH!) didn't want a rabbit in the house, and she went and got one anyways (To quote her, "He can't control me"), and she hasn't even lived there a month.
I know she's not my problem anymore. But I pity the rabbit. And I want to kick Chrissie in the neck (for many a reasons).
Is it only Tuesday....It feels like it should be Wednesday at least. Ugh.
I was sick a few days ago...Major migraine...I think it was just cause of the weather.
I really need some weed.
I haven't had any since...Early October....And drinking sucks....
And some pizza delivery boy has a crush on me...or so Nick says....Why do always attract the 'winners'.
I guess my rant is over.
I drive Jordan to K-Rock tomorrow for his interview....HooRah!
That's it.
K.


10/21/03 10/21/2003



I spent most of Sunday night midwifing a cat. Shay's cat Tigger finally gave birth that night; however, she had many a difficulties. The first kitten spent five hours in the birth control, before I decided to start inducing contractions. Five, as he was named, came out dead. Almost immediately the first kitten, Zombie came out...time passed, and Tigger did Yammi on her own. We thought she'd be ok, and left her for the night...checking up on her every second hour.
All she did was bleed all night. Finally, we induced labour again, this time, Pokey came out...dead again. This was because of the poor angle she came out on, or so we think. She was then followed by Alex, we thought Alex was dead too, as his sac was broken and he was still inside for a few minutes...but his feet kicked about and we pushed the rest of him out, and he was fine. The last kitten, unnamed, came out dead as well.

In effect, Bentley has gone mad with jealousy...I had to retrain her with a towel to keep her from attacking people. I asked my parents to take her for a while, a house in which she is the centre of the universe just might do her some good.



We saw TCM, it was otay.


Take the Skinheads Bowling 10/18/2003



some people say that bowling alleys got big lanes,
got big lanes,
got big lanes,
some people say that bowling alleys look the same,
look the same,
look the same,
take the skin heads bowling, take them bowling.
take the skin heads bowling, take them bowling.

Me, Rachy, Jordan and Shay went cosmic bowling last night. I actually managed to win one game. We were a group of goths (except for Jordan) playing amongst a group of ginos and divas. It was fun though, and none of us got beaten up, which is a plus considering the Little Texas (bar) incident.

We played about four games, until about 12:30, then all of us being pretty tired decided to return home. I wore my Pink Floyd bowling shirt last night and fishnet arm cuffs.

Recently I'm been wearing a lot of black and purple make-up and my hair in two pig-tail briads, my homage to Wednesday Addams....

My mother came down last night (for about two hours) and took me and Jordan to the North Chine Buffet...it's this restuarant that is Helleville is considered a big deal....But it was nice, and I think she was doing it to kind of apologize to me for saying she wouldn't go out in public with me (looking as I normally do).

My two year is quickly approaching with Jordan, although it won't much matter...We've basically determined that we're going to get married. He's probably the only person in this world who could put up with my bitching and moodiness 24-7.

Merlin tried to eat my one necklace last night, the one my mom brought me back from Alaska...thankfully we stopped him, or else we'd have to take him to the reptile vet in Kingston to get it removed....and I imagine that would be quite costly.

Our big plan for today is to go to Chapters and look at the Manga they have...I love Manga....And Hentai amuses me...I drew a few Hentai pictures, which disturbed Shay...I laughed much.
And to get drunk....Tequila Rose.....
And I have to start working on my case study for Legal Research....annoying...and I have two tests this week....Monday is Traffic Management and Tuesday in Sociology of Deviance....

Also, I have to look into University applications....unlike some people who are better than college but happy to say in remedial jobs, I'd much rather better myself...degree wise...

Yes.
That's it.
Bowling is fun.


Crappy Thanksgiving 10/12/2003



I came home looking rather conservative. My make-up was not too big. But it was there.
My parents were horrified.
My mother calls me weird and says I was normal in the summer and askes what happens to me.
My father says I'm a walking target for abuse and should know better.
My mother says she won't go out in public with me if I look the way I do.
She says she wants her old Kristy back.
I am still me. I insist. I'm happier with the make-up on. I am on the verge of tears. I understand society not liking me, and making assumptions as to how I look. But they are my family. They should love and accept me.
I go to bed very upset.

I wake up, my father askes me to go out to breakfast with them. I turn it down...I don't want to go anywhere with them right now.


Implosion 10/7/2003



I hate Belleville.
But I'm in such a foul mood right now I hate the entire world anyway.
I got in a fight with Rachy, because she was talking about how I don't talk to her lunch time buddies and how she pities me.

I got really pissed off due to the whole pity thing. I told her I didn't need her pity, that I didn't like her lunch time friends, that me and her lunch time friends had nothing in common and that I would much rather be a loner than tolerate their presence half of the time.

She sounded upset...

I hate Jon right now too...He is such a retard that he gets stoned everyday and stoned while he's in class. I offered to fix up his article he wrote for his class (it was terrible) and he turned me down...he sucks...and he's more than happy to just smoke that fact and all of his future away.

I hate Loyalist College.

I hate the people in my class for the most part.

Whatever happened to that Angela girl? She used to be so nice.

I hate my relationship.
I hate my life...
Foul foul mood.
I wish things would just hurry up and implode.


9/27/03 9/27/2003



....
I know you're laughing inside...
You're marvelling at this...
You deserve it don't you....


No news on Chrissie.
And I can bearly talk right now...
Any word takes effort...
. Everything is dimmer...
There only is one anchor...why can't I let it go....
I know they want me to.
I know she wants me to.
...
I don't want to...
And all around me soldiers falls....
And all of them die laughing....
And all around me does death call...
And issue each their passing....
. ...
I could cry an eternity of tears....and never wouldst thou care...
i never lied.
but you did.
I always cried.
....
i hate you! i hate you! I want k to die....I hate you i hate you i hate you........I hate you Jordan....I hate you Kristy.....
.....
pins and needles, needles and pins, a happy girl is a girl who grins


Stuff 9/25/2003



I found out last night that Chrissie's September's rent cheque bounced. I was fuming. The $300 my parents had sent me for groceries for October and utilities was deducted from my account to pay Chrissie's way. MY money. MY PARENTS money, to cover her fat lazy ass.

I moved out all her stuff from her room, moved Shay's stuff in and left a notice that she was not technically a tenant here, that I had all the legal proof required to get a formal eviction and that she was not allowed on the premises without the supervision of one of the tenants.

Chrissie came home and let Bentley out, I had to search the neighbourhood for her, I was scared...and pissed. I ran into Chrissie coming into the house and told her to get the hell out of my way. I told her there was no place for her here and to get out, she went right to the ghetto neighbours.

I hate her more now.

My whole essence is trembling with anger. Shay can feel it. I really want to hurt her...but I won't.... Less of me...more of you.

9/22/03 9/22/2003



I tracked down Paul today.
I had completely forgotten about his site.
I wanted to talk to him...I missed him...so I wrote an email during my Legal Research class.
The faeries are telling me to let go.
I don't know of what.
I drank rosehip tea to try to induce some type of dream to guide me.
I saw Mr. Chalky standing ever so vigilantly over my bed...and I heard the cackle of little Amelia...
Perhaps I was just over tired.
I gave into sleep soon after...
A woman at school today told me and Shay that in her country people who looked like us would be shot down in the street...how pleasent.

Shay is moving in and Chrissie is moving out.
Jon Q is sick as a dog.
I bet him $50 he won't stay with his girlfriend.
I know I'll win.
I go home this Thursday to attend a Prosecutors conference on Friday.

My mind is calm but aching.


Troy 9/21/2003



I feel nothing.
Nothing at all.
Unending calm.
Void.
blank.
No. I feel anger.
I'm not who I once was.
Something has changed.
Atleast all the whirlwind within my head has stopped.
We are disposable.
Kill you all.
I'd love to.
I'd like to.
I want to.
I need to feel pain...Just to feel something at all. Had Jordan hit my with a belt as hard as he could.
Left a welt across my back.
It felt good.
It made me know I was still alive.
In some form or another.
Some part of me still exists...
On some kind of level anyway....
Dark.......
Darkness....
Sweet enveloping darkness.
She wouldn't let me kill myself.
She's always in my head.


9/19/03 9/19/2003



All that is me is dying inside...
I can feel it.
Whither up and die little one, make way for something new...
Out with the old...in with the new..says the whore.
You killed me....
Each and every one of you...
You slashed her, and tore her, and ripped her from the inside out...no fear...I will take care of her now...I will not let any of you lay a hand on herIknowthat I am dying...I feel it....I feel it in the depths of my soul...

I am not...I am not...I am not.


9/19/03 9/19/2003



I feel like I've lost a large part of myself...not that it cares it lost me.
I feel like hurting myself.
I feel like dying.
As I always said...I am disposable.


9/12/03 9/12/2003



I miss you somedays.
But them I miss shithead too.
Funny. I hardly know you anymore though, do I? You probably regard me as highly as you do Tulaine.
So I sit and try to plot coming to slap you across the face.
Then I question, what's the point of dropping two grande just to go and punch you in the face...other than to appease my resentment for you.
Why did I love you anyways.....and why couldn't I accept it until recently.
I was wearing all my make-up the other day, and the armbands you gave me.
And I turned to Johnny and said, "The one good thing about being a whore with Barrie was that atleast he paid me well."
I worry about how much people thrive to forget me. I want people who I loved to wonder about me as much as I wonder about them.
You know, I wish you'd just give in and call me...I doubt you want to...and I won't call you...no...you'd just ignore me...or reject me...

But I miss you so much.

And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for treating you like shit...and being cruel...
But it doesn't matter does it...you're gone........
But that's just how life goes...
I wish you read this....
I wish you cared...


I wish you missed me too.


8/27/03 8/27/2003



How often must I think of you before you melt away? There are days when I feel like I used to...where I question everything...
I just can't let go...I never could though.
The greatest freedom is in letting go...I guess that you are free...as you've forgotten me....
I wish that I were you somedays...you know that.
I wish that I were you, and able to just shrug off any memory or love of you as you did of me...
You know I'll come back to haunt you someday....
It's already in the works....
I promised you I would...
I will deliver...


Chrissie is a stupid fat twat. 8/25/2003



The summer was a piece of shit, but does that really surprise anyone? I worked...not hard...and made a bit of money.

Chrissie is dating Jon Q. Which means I can't like him anymore, and I hate them

dating...because...yeah...he brings over his drugged up loser friends like Correy. Why don't I like Correy? He came at me when he was high on E once wanting to beat the shit out of me. I don't want that fucker in my house.

Now Chrissie (consequently as she is dating Jon) is trying to become a goth. It's an insult to the entire stereotype. I say this because I semi-fit into that category, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I highly doubt any goth or punk would have Britney Speares posters up all over their room, and own CrossRoads...but then, this is probably going to become more prevalent in the future with the rise of the pop-goth (Thanks alot Avril, I hope you rot in hell).

Also, Chrissie has been letting people smoke in the house, and smoking in it herself. At least when I was smoking (I haven't since that night in the Blue Box) I did it outside so as not to stink up the house. Also, Chrissie bombed almost all her money on Booze (She just acquired photo ID), Smokes, Pizza, and movies....so she informed she does have enough for rent, but not enough for the phone bill. FUCK HER. I really want to kick her out. You have no idea...but i can't...she's now friends with the ring leader of the ghetto kids....and in close with one of the drug lords...

I don't feel comfortable with these people in our house, as all the valuables (namely electronics and DVD's and what not) are me and Jordans.... That and I KNOW someone has fucked in my bed while I was away. I asked her....and she went all quiet and said no one had....I'm positive that's a sign of lying....

I want to move out...but the lease...then another lease that would probably be for a year, and with any luck I'll then be living in the slums of Ottawa....yay...slums....
I just won't have a stupid twat roommate to befriend all the white trash.
I hate Helleville....I hate it good.


Loss 8/6/2003



How much losses hurt.
It hurts to know I lost you.
It hurts to feel no joy.
It hurts to know you're long gone.
I'll not love another boy.
It hurts to know you're happy.
Well I'm desperate and sad.
It hurts to sit and pity myself,
While all the time you're glad.
It hurts to know you're together.
And sleeping in her bed.
It hurts to be so empty.
And wish that I were dead.


Wicked Little Town 8/3/2003



On Friday night I came up with the genius idea to go to Christina's birthday party, and drink myself sick so I wouldn't have to go to work. Well, after five shots of Captian Morgan's 35% spiced rum, and a few swings of the bottle, I was gone. I think I was only at the party a good half hour before I started spewing my guts out. I remember people helping me walk over to a tent and dumping me on a mattress... Jordan says some guy went into the tent while I was passed out and tried to make a few moves on me, but Jordan scared him away.

I spent all of yesterday throwing up bile and whatever water I drank. My head was pounding. I decided that as nice as it was to have a day off work, it just wasn't worth it. Work is far less painful than a hang over that bad.

I finally was able to keep stuff down at about 9pm last night. I had two cups of chicken noodle soup...and I've only felt moderately sick today.

I am happy. Friday the eighth is my last day of work...and then I can go home....home sweet home. I am going to go to Toronto and buy a hooka, and some goth shoes....and I'm going to go to Wonderland.....and I'm going to see 28 days later, assuming I still have money at that point.

I get to drag Bentley and Merlin home...fun stuff...
Tigger ran off Friday night and has yet to return....
I feel moderately bad for Chrissie.
I have to go to work soon...yuck....
I HATE this town.


7/27/03 7/27/2003



I just looked at my webpage and thought of BR.
Why is it that everything turns to hell in the last years of highschool.
Why am I stuck at college now....

I have to apply to university soon.
I told Jordan to screw him, that I want to, and that I'm going whether he follow me or not.
He seemed cool with that...although we know how poorly our relationship works when we're not around each other...he has high fidelity...I don't...
I don't want to go to work tomorrow.
Only two weeks left....
Soon I can go home.


7/27/03 7/27/2003



Manic Depressive Rock Star,
Where have you gone today?
You shone so bright a minute ago...
I thought you were here to stay.
Manic Depressive Rock Star,
How many woman have you laid?
In your prime about twenty a night....
But into the background you fade.

You were the life of parties...
You were the love of boys.
You're now washed up and swollen...
With only rehab as your toys.....
Manic Depressive Rock Star?
WHere have you gone from the light.
You crashed on sex and money...
And now you've faded from sight.


7/27/03 7/27/2003



I think that I am dying.
All the walls are closing in.
I think that I am dying.
But I've lived a life of sin.

I have killed and bruised and bashed
And wept and torn and cried.
I have scolded and screamed and slapped.
And yelled and mumbled and sighed.

I think that I am dying.
There's nothing left to give.
I think that I am dying.
Yet not begun to live.

I have not laughed or smiled.
I have not cheered or gaffed.
I have not been optimistic...
Nor in love for a matter of fact.

I think that I am dying.
The main cause being me.
I think that I am dying.
Life is a travesty.


7/27/03 7/27/2003



Have I ever mentioned the fact that I want to die?
But what keeps me here?
Fear of oblivion I suppose......


7/22/03 7/22/2003



How I'd love to fade away into a fogged backdrop.


Barrie. 7/22/2003



I knew I loved you once,
from when our eyes first met.
I knew you loved me too.
Although it's fate was set.
I knew I loved you once,
And I waited so long for you to say.
I knew you loved me too.
But there never came that day.
I knew before it started.
That all our love was lost.
And I knew right when it commenced.
That our friendship would be it's cost.
I know I loved you once.
When I grew shamed of what I'd done.
I know you loved me too.
Even when you were shuned.
I know I loved you once.
When all our words had died.
I know you loved me too.
When all our words ran dry.
I know I loved you once.
Even now when things are dead.
And I know you loved me too.
When we sleep in others' beds.


DEcay 7/22/2003



Drinks, booze, drunk, smashed, sloshed, in the bucket, gone....
Drink away the pain.
And smoke away my sorrow.
Lust away my stress...
Smoke just to do it.
Tar and Carbon Monoxide...
They are my slow suicide...

The closest I'll ever come to gasing myself.
Intoxicate my body and mind.
To try to free my soul.
But nothing ever happens...
And I'm always left on my own.

Whisky, Rye, Gin, Tonic, Brandy, Rum, Vodak....
Pot, Hash, Bongs, Pipes, 'Shrooms....
Cigraettes...DuMaurier....Imperial Tabacco...my mother used to work for them....

We're all gonna die.
All of us have a path...we either evolve or decay (As Manson said...The singer that is)....

Am I decaying?
Self-Improvement is masturbation, but Self destruction is really something...says Tyler Durden....

Destroy.
Rot.
Decay, decay decay...
In a few years will anyone even remember me, much less care....
Someone put a bullet in my head....A smoking tunnel of blood and pinkish flesh.....A tunnel to sheer oblivion....Yes, that's the tunnel my train takes.... I am the master of my fate...

And I choose the downward spiral....
I choose oblivion...
I choose decay....
I cannot evolve.
Not like any of you....
There is too much past for my present...
There is too little of me present for my future....


Behold and marvel at me festering.
Fall to your knees oh great blind world.
For I am gone to you...as I am lost to me.....


Decay 7/11/2003



I thought of you the other day.
And I wondered what was left to say.
And every time a reminder of you flies my way.
I know you are lost, and that's how things will stay.

I have a picture of you in my head.
Of us together, with love as our stead.
And now the only thing to which that picture has lead.
It gives me recognition of how it's all dead.

I heard you last night inside a dream.
It was so textured, reality it was deemed.
Then I awoke, and all I had seen,
Melted away into a dark screen.

You are far, and gone, and lost.
And only friendship was the cost.
And you are dead, and decayed and rot.
For this relationship, neither of us fought.


To Paul (Sick Obsession) 7/10/2003



You are my sick obsession.
I want to see you burn.
You are my hate's posession.
You make my stomach churn.

Somedays I want to speak to you,
but I tell myself, "No".
Somedays I want to yell at you,
And telly ou where to go.

You are my sick obsession.
I want to see you rot.
I'd think you'd learn your lesson.
My forgiveness can't be bought.

Somedays I want to welcome you,
Stand on the side with open arms.
Somedays I want to pound you,
Give you a world of physical harms.

Cause you are my sick obsession,
On this big and turning wheel...
Yeah...baby, you are my sick obsession,
One day I hope you'll feel.


Boys 7/10/2003



I went to see Pirates of the Carribean last night...and there was one shot of Orlando Bloom that reminded me of Barrie.

Well....I tried to desert him for so long, but he finally succeeded in leaving me. I tried to stand him despite my..disgust? I tried to stay in contact with him, despite Jordan's completely justified hate...but...in the end, it was Barrie who left me to appease his girlfriend who never met me, and whom I never transgressed.

I walked along the alley street to my town house last night and thought how I'd love to be anywhere but here....I thought of myself standing on the street smoking a cigarette...with cars driving on the wrong side of the street, and people with different voices...

But I can't do it.
I always tell myself that..
. And now I am tied down with two cats, a tarantula and a tempermental iguana who is like a spoiled child to me...who does not get along with Bentley in the least...

How I'd love to be anywhere but here....
I was sickened with Jordan last night...
I don't know why...
I wanted him away...gone...
Why do I cling to him so?
Love?
I question that constantly...
Security...
For sure...
Jordan is going to college, Jordan will get a real job....
Jordan will make a great father...
Jordan loves me...
Jordan is devoted.
Jordan is determined....
Yet I look at him somedays and wonder why.
Why can't I ever leave him...
Why am I still here.
Don't live your life around boys, my mother once told me.

Perhaps I should have listened.


Clean Slate 7/5/2003



I sit on the front steps of my town house in the ghetto and take a long drag on my cigarette, a habit I can hardly afford...I feel a slight head rush, and I smirk ever so slightly as I watch the neighbourhood children go by.

What I would give to forget...
Forget it all...
If I could have one wish, I would say,

"Wash me of my tainted memories...free me from the pain of knowing...Liberate me from the chains of the past which bind me."

Yes, that is what I would say.
The sky is blue today...with a few strewn about clouds...
The Herc's are flying overhead from Trenton again...If it isn't the Herc's it's the trains plowing by, and if it isn't the trains it's the neighbours...there's always a girl leaving number sixty-nine in tears...She screams at Earl and leaves crying....

How many times have I thought of stopping her...but stopped myself...

I rarely pity anymore...except myself....

Swimming in self-pity, a dark ink sea, swimming in self-pity, who else will feel sorry for me.

My Roommate Chrissie joins me on the steps...I offer her a smoke and she takes it, she has a drag and starts coughing...
"Can't you just tell I'm new at smoking?" She laughes...
"So am I." I mutter, flicking the ashes a bit....
"You're better at it than I am..." She trails off, staring around the front yard....
I'm gonna die of lung cancer I think to myself...whatever...we all die.
I saw Karen in work today, carrying a pack of slims...
"You smoke? I didn't know you smoke."
"I have to...I work here." She says drearly....how true....
I fucked up my knee at work...it hurts like a bitch...
Each time I see you...I know that I've lost you....and knowledge is my pain.


5/17/03 5/17/2003 >



I ate a muffin at work. My own fault, I should know better than to eat the food your work makes. Ever since I have had hives on my one arm. If they don't go away soon I'll have to go to the doctor and get some kind of medicine I really can't afford.

Ran into Jenn the other day. She's not dating Scott anymore, and they were talking about marriage.

Finished Merlin's new cage.
Saw X-Men two, good.
Remembered I have been forgotten, how mildly depressing.
Realized life sucks.
Working on a hydroponics system.
Hate it here.


5/17/03 5/17/2003



I remembered why I hate people today.


Murple 5/12/2003



I hate this town. I really do. It's so goddamn boring....
I feel like I've missed out on a lot of the college experience...I got a 4.0 again....oh smart me...hah...

I missed out on the bar scene...I missed out on the loads of random sex...though I did have that Barrie thing in the summer...and that whole threesome deal...I guess I can't complain too much that way....

Maybe it's the whole basically being engaged to Jordan thing....I do love that stupid handitard though....

I hate working....And all I want is to be stoned out of my mind right now, listening to some manson....

I remember watching Jon when we all stoned and him just moving his head to the music....I understand that a lot now...Music is all we really have around here right now....

I love you, I love you, I love you....
And I'm yours.
No one reads this....
I wonder, should I even tell people about this thing???? Maybe I will...
I don't know...
I should do something.....
I don't know what.
Will I be missed?
Am I missed?
Have I left even a dent in this world????????/
Who really give a bloody hell.


4/13/03 4/13/2003



We looked at the house again today. There is a chalk outline in the basement. Disturbing.


Vanish 4/13/2003



I was thinking of Barrie agian today. I doubt I should, it can't be healthy, and I doubt he thinks about me on a regular basis.

Yes. I hate his happiness....but that's just how I am.

I know that I will vanish from him as of April 25, not that he even knows that...maybe he wants that....there will be no phone listing for me....It will be under Jordan's name....

My internet address will probably change, except for the hotmail one I rarely use....

I will just disappear.
But would he even care.
Would I break down and contact him? Why should I, when he hardly cares enough to write me a fucking email or give me a fucking phone call.
What made me think about him? Rachy was a tool last night and asked what I did in London when I got bored.

OH, I seduced a British boy and fulfilled the goal of fucking one.

Yes....because that's a great answer.

Will he miss me when I'm gone? Does he even miss me now?
Mister, you're my best friend, you're a part of my life forever, I'll remain in contact with you even when I have a girl friend.

A girl friend you cleverly dodge having any conversation about.......

.. I have a reason for not calling you. I live with Jordan...he hates you for good cause.
What's your reason?
I doubt you even have one.


4/13/03 4/13/2003



I told Andrew not to bother coming back to my apartment. He was apparently bad mouthing me, Jordan and Rachy. It was uber annoying. He was supposed to be a friend. Ah well. Apparently my house is in a bad part of town, thus I have decided to take up throwing knives or stars...I've always wanted to anyways.....

Merlin is molting again....He spent most of this afternoon watching a movie with me and then staring out the window as I worked on my essay....

Other than that, stuff kind of sucks....

I have exams, and a shit job........and crap crap crap....

I get my keys to the house next week so I can start moving in....

Man I hate people....and school....and college...and Tim's....and....everything.
I know I'm just whining....
. I also hate alot of people....
Wait, I mentioned that already....
Nothing new.
Took up smoking for stress...not good....getting out of habit already....


4/8/2003 4/8/2003



Where all is good has ceaseless ends.
And all that's bad flows all ways.
All that's moral is on pend.
And only stife consumes my days.

Twirly
Whirly
Dizzy.
Twirly
Whirly
Hey.
Twirly
Whirly
Dizzy.
Twirly
Whirly.
Stay.

Where all my happiness is empty.
And all my tears are dry.
Of those smiles dreamt me.
But up turned's just a lie.

Twirly
Whirly
Dizzy.
Twirly
Whirly
Hey.
Twirly
Whirly
Dizzy.
Twirly
Whirly.
Stay.

Where all my soul is ravaged.
And all my being is torn.
Eaten up like a savage.
An existence long since worn.


4/8/2003 4/8/2003



Dear World

Dear world,
this life is not enough.
Things are hard, and living is rough.
Dear world,
I cannot stand this fate.
And happiness has come too late.

Dear world,
All that's love and beauty fades.
And then I'm only left with dreayer shades.
Of darker hues.
And morning dews.
And all is lost.
For life's the cost.

Dear world,
why can't you rectify?
and save the children so they won't die.
When all I love is torn away.
And all I long for are those lost days.
When the sun shone bright,
And soaked with light.
Those marvellous childish days.

Dear world,
Why do you leave me here?
Among shadow faces, and long deaf ears.
Whom will not glance, nor listen, nor care.
Where all one can expect is silence or a stare.

Dear world,
I expect no answer, nor response, nor reply.

Dear world,
You left me to my own devices,
You abandonned me to die.


4/8/2003 4/8/2003



Jordan

You are my suicide gun.
Yeah baby, you're the only one.
My best friend and my lover,
For you I'd be undone.

You are my noose around my neck.
Yeah baby, you hold me tight.
My other half and cosmic plan
, For you I'd lose my light.

You are my razzor blade.
Yeah baby, gleaming in the strife.
My soul, my feelings, my emotions.
For you I'd give my life.

Yeah, you are my suicide gun, baby.
My noose, my blade, my blood within the vein.
Yeah you are my undoing sweetheart.
You take away all the pain.


4/8/2003 4/8/2003



I have a house now.
Did I mention that?
So now I just have to find a better job.
I don't know how well we'll support ourselves....
But a home is a home and a house is a house.
I don't like Andrew now.
He went around bashing me.
I told him to not bother coming over to my apartment anymore.
I kind of want to go home. I haven't been there since February. I miss dolmy and Andrea and Kailey and Keida. I want my friends back.

I miss Amy too - - she's fun.
And Megaen.
And and and.

Belleville is a boring town.
I hate my work.
I hate my job.
I hate my classes....which are basically over.
I like Merlin though. He's my little green herbivore baby.
Somedays I wish I were sedated....


4/8/2003 4/8/2003



My roommates friends are here. So I am avoiding the outside...although I wouldn't mind a shower.

I wrote two exams today. I got exempt from two later this week and next. Two of my courses have no exams, so really I only have three more to go.


Screw Week 4/7/2003



The apartment search drags on.
We saw one last night that I was just going to drive past, the paint and plaster on the walls of the building were peeling off and it looked like a little shit hole.
"Should I drive by?" I asked Jordan.
"Maybe it's nice on the inside."
So we went inside. And it was nice. So, we filled out yet another application and should know today or tomorrow. In some ways I wish I could ditch Chrissy and just live with Jordan. But that won't happen.
Nothing ever happens.
I wish that I could change my entire life somedays.

Not have ever met any of the people in Georgetown, well, except maybe Amy and Megaen...and Kailey...

But I don't know about the rest anymore. They hardly put an effort into talking to me. And to be completely honest...they are one of the /major/ factors in me not wanting to go home. I don't want to have to deal with it.

Here I have Rachy, Megan, Meghan, Shay, Katie, Krista, Chrissy, Andrew....

They are kind of like my family now....they are kinda like everything now.....

I don't think Merlin would handle the drive home too well....

I don't think anyone at home really notices I'm gone. eight more school days...

Then I have to quit Tims and find a job.


4/7/2003 4/7/2003



Like the swirling ocean tide.
With crash, and turns and rounds.
All forces of change must we abide.
All the ups and downs.

Like a roller coaster, with its highs and lows.
Everything is dying.
But that’s just how it goes.

A caterpillar – A butterfly.

A wanning moon turned waxed.

The leaves that grow and fall the same.

All of life is taxed.

We change.
We leave.
We age.
We die.

And that’s just the way we live.

We laugh.
We smile.
We scream.
We cry.

And that’s all life has to give


4/7/2003 4/7/2003



It's sad to know no one misses me.
Or really thinks twice about me.
I wonder if they wonder what's going on with me, where I am...things like that.
I doubt it.

Rachy calls this crunch week.
Undergrads says screw.
Andrew says he wants a piece.
Chrissy says I just farted a chunk of pooh.
I want to be intoxicated.
And drink myself away.
I want to slit my wrists, or stretch my neck...
End this bitter day.
I can't see light at the end of the tunnel.
And that's what makes me sad.
People say all things pass.
But when it's bad it's bad.
I am an insomniatic whore.
With nothing better to do.
It's 12:18 on Monday night,
And I hate my roomies too.
I want to stick their toothbrushes,
in a shit filled tiolet.
That would make me happy.
And maybe they'd stop being a bitch.
That didn't rhyme.
Andrea doesn't miss me.
Kailey busy getting head.
Janina has disappeared off the face of the planet.
And I wish I were dead.

I resent my friend RedZooMaFoo,
The thought of him makes me cringe.
I regret ever coming to college.
I want to go on a pot binge.
I hate the inbred idiots,
that reside at my school here.
Homophobes, jocks and cheerleaders.
Yet not one single queer.
I want jump my .
I want to bash my head.
And when everyone else is having the years of their life.
I wish beyond wish that I were dead.

Stress.... 3/6/2003

Merlin persists in tearing apart my arms, so I am forced to wear cut up fishnets like gloves over my hands so as to hide it from my RA. She would assume that it was me cutting myself as it was at the start of the year, or she would think I had a pet...not that it matters too much...there are six weeks left of school and I am uber stressed.

The main problem being that we need to find two people who are staying here for the summer and willing to come in on the house with us...we have a five person house that allows pets, so Hannibal, Merlin and Cappicino can move in, but we only have three people.

Secondly, my communications course is sucking ass, the teacher is never there, and we have to have a test each week until the end of the year whether or not he decides to ever show up...

Third...I only have $125 to spend until the end of the year, and I have to work on saving money for the 750 I'll have to put down on the house...

Fourth...I failed my first test on Monday...

Fifth...I have two more textbooks to buy that will total about $100 so that will leave me with $25....

Sixth...The woman who said I could photocopy the text off was not at school today, and she'll need it over the weekend....

Seventh...I have two projects to write up this weekend, although that's my own fault....

Eighth....I have no money....

Nineth....We're not going to get the house, I just know it, and then I'll have to look for apartments...

Tenth...I can't find were to write my customs test so I can get a half decent summer job....

Eleventh...I'll probably end up working at Timmy's again....

Twelvth....man that's misspelt....this suck anus....

Thirteenth...I want pot....

Fourteenth...now I'm just bitching...


Remorse. 3/1/2003



Belleville is my home now.
And they are my family.
And would give a thousand lives.
To never of lived this one.
I would give a million eternities.
To never of met you.
I would rip your throat open.
With my teeth.
I marvel as I watched you bleed.


On Friendship 3/1/2003



There are no friends like old friends and none so good and true.

Old friends hurt you. They tear out your hearts. They forget about you. They think they are better because they try to drink away their miseries, sex away their insecurities, and smoke up to make the world seem better.

You greet them as you meet them, as roses greet the dew.

They look at the floor, avoid eye contact, and make blistering small talk, although when you respond, you can tell they are not listening to you. Some of them still cling to you for the sake of that word, 'friendship' rather than realize you have nothing in common anymore.

No other friends are dearer, though born of kind read mold. And as you prize the new ones, you treasure more the old.

My old friends are dear, it's true. But they will forget about me. They never realize how much they hurt people, or walk all over them. They'll never realize how their self-absorption hurt others. My new friends are far kinder....and for some reason, they generally care about people's feelings, here's to you: Rachy, Chrissy, Shay, Megaen, Megin, and Jamie.

There are no friends like old friends, where you dwell or roam, in lands beyond the oceans or near the realms of home.

It's true. Jackasses live everywhere. I just hope that I never befriend such vaine people again.

And where they smile to gladden or sometimes frown to guide, we fondly wish those friends were always by our sides.

I wish Andrea and Graham were always around, that I will always be able to see them and contact them....I love the two of them...but the rest....the rest I rather leave behind....It's hard when five years of my life were dominated by them...but it's their time now...to change....hopefully for the better, but who knows...


The Void Eternal 2/25/2003



The entire world is dying and we can all feel it. But there's nothing left to do. Would we want to bring children into such a world of misery darkness and despair? Is that any life to live anyway?

I see great darkness overwhelming me, and I want to die.

I feel great emptiness all around me, and I want to die.

I see only death...yet I want to live. I want vengeance for all that has been done to me in this life before I go out....I want...I want...

I want the void.
I would embrace the dark nothingness.
I would welcome it.
I drink to make things disappear.
I smoke to make things seem better.
I drink to make myself disappear.
I smoke to make my perception change, as I cannot change what things truly are.
I whine, for there is nothing else I can do.
I worry about my house.
I worry about my merlin.
I worry.
I wait.
I whine.


Spring Break. 2/25/2003



I am home, and laundry is done.
Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!