X:  Today we decided to stop by Aaron’s [shot of the storefront] to see Matt at work, and we noticed something a little… odd.  Just watch the tape, I think you’ll see what I mean.

 

 

Woman:  can somebody help me over here?

 

Matt: I’m your huckleberry [walks over to woman]

 

Woman: ok… how much is this tv?

 

Matt: Yes it’s true; you are a good woman.   Then again… you may be the anti-Christ.

 

Woman: [shocked, walks out]

 

Matt’s boss: Matt!  See me in my office

 

Matt: I’m comin, and Hell’s comin with me!!

 

[in office]

 

boss: What the hell was that?

 

Matt:  Why, Ike, whatever do you mean?

 

Boss: you just ran that woman out of the store!

 

Matt:  Now that is a hell of a thing for you to say to me!

 

Boss:  I give up.  You’re giving an interview in 5 minutes, ok?

 

Matt:  Why, Ed Bailey, does this mean we’re not friends anymore?  If I thought you weren’t my friend…well I just don’t think I could bear it. 

 

Boss: [leaves]

 

Matt:  [sits on other side of desk, waits]

 

[enter person applying, Phil]

 

Phil:  Hi… I’m here for the job interview?

 

Matt:  Have a seat, boys

 

Phil:  [looks around, confused… sits]

 

Matt:  I’m Wyatt Earp, these are my brothers

 

Phil:  what…?

 

[cut from phil to matt, now wearing a mustache and cowboy hat, squinting]

 

Phil: are you actually going to interview me, or what?

 

Matt: Maybe poker’s just not your game… I know, let’s have a spellin contest. 

 

Phil:  [confused]

 

Matt:  I’m getting tired of your gassin, now jerk that pistol and go to work!

 

Phil:  What?!  I’m just here for a job interview!  

 

Matt:  [gets up and starts to throw Phil out]  Alright youngster, out you go… and don’t come back… ever!

[sits back down behind desk]  (to himself) Hm… that went well

 

[cut to matt behind counter, twirling a pistol]

 

customer: sir…?

 

Matt: [puts pistol to customers head] Why, Johnny Ringo, you look like somebody just walked over your grave

 

Customer: Somebody help me!  Call the cops! 

 

Matt: Your friends might get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe

[close up of matt squinting, close up of customer being scared.  Cut]

 

 

Boss:  matt, are you feeling ok?

 

Matt: Why, I am as right as the mail [coughs up blood and collapses]

[cut]

 

Matt: [to a customer]  Now listen here, Mr. Kansas law-dog!  Law don’t go round here, savvy?!

 

[cut]

Matt: [holding a hand of cards, talking to no one] Must be a peach of a hand you got there

 

[cut]

Jeff: So what exactly is your job here, matt?

Matt: Well, in addition to sheriff, I’m also tax collector, head of the fire brigade, and chairman of the non-partisan anti-Chinese league. 

 

[cut]

 

boss: hey matt, we’ve got a delivery to make

 

Matt: No….

Boss: what?

 

Matt: no…. no…. no… NO!  [walks out of store carrying a shotgun.  shots]

 

Boss:  he has got to be the dumbest sumbitch I ever knowed. 

 

[cut]

 

Boss:  what’d you think of that guy you interviewed

 

Matt:  Deadliest pistolier since Wild Bill, they say… What do you think, darlin?  Should I hate him?

 

Boss: ….

 

Matt: I don’t know, he reminds me of… me.  No, I’m sure of it.  I hate him. 

 

Boss:  You give me one reason I shouldn’t fire you right now

 

Matt: [holding shotgun] You see that!? [pulls jacket back]  It says United States Marshall!!

 

[cut]

 

Matt: [lying on a couch in the store, to Jeff] You’re the most fallable, stubborn, self-deluded, bull headed man I have ever known… and in all my life, you’re the only one who ever gave me hope…. If you were ever my friend, if you ever had even the slightest feeling for me, leave now.

 

Jeff: man, your shift ended five minutes ago. 

 

Matt: [sits up] oh really?  Cool.  You guys want to go get something to eat?