Now, Buford Hays had a medical problem, it was known around our town; the folks 'round here called him a "living corpse", the kind of fella you just can't keep down! The local physicians were baffled, the preacher was at a loss of breath, to explain this weird oddity that altered his commodities and so closely imitated his death.
It was his heart. It would just stop beating; or so the local doctors thought, his pulse and respiration were no longer found; his vital signs would be shot. Three times they wrapped him up in a sheet, and hauled him into town; Three times he woke up in a morgue with coffins all around!
Now, this was kinda aggravating to Buford, who, otherwise had never been sick; not to mention the danger of "dying" around strangers..because,..well,..this its the west friends; and out here we bury you quick!
So, Buford never strayed too far away from home. Never went anywhere on a train. He didn't want to wake up in some undertaker's parlor just to find that his blood had been drained! Or even worse then that, there was that story by that Edgar Allen Poe, of that poor young cuss that woke up in a box buried deep down in a hole!
Now, it wasn't that Buford was all that scared of dying,...nah!, he'd been that route before! He just didn't wanna die waking up from the dead!, He figured that would complicate matters even more!
Well, the last time that Buford died, it was at the age of seventy-three; but the town being suspicious of a madly so malicious, for-went the embalming to "just wait and see." And, at the end of three days, when he still hadn't moved, a funeral was finally planed for the Methodist church, high atop the hill; the one with the long sloping ramp.And it was up this same ramp that the two undertakers was a rollin' poor Buford along, when the back one tripped, and try as he may, the other just couldn't hold on!
Well that casket got away and rolled down that ramp, and like a bullet, shot out into the street! And when Buford "woke up", he had the weird sensation that his bed was a gaining speed! And not only that, it was dark in there, and kind of hard to breath; and when he discovered the paradox of being shut up in a box, he decided it was time for him to leave!
Now, meanwhile, about two blocks down the hill, Herby Walters ran a little drug store; the place wasn't much, but he did keep it clean with a spit-shine on that tile floor. And it just so happened that Herby was up front washing windows that morning, when he looked over the top of his squeegee; and he seen him a sight...well,..kinda like the one he saw on the night, that made him give up drinking while playing the Ouija!
He saw that casket coming hard, and heading right for the front door on his place; so he figured the trajectory, and he also figured that he didn't have much time to waste. He flung open the front and ran towards the back, and just when he got to the back door; that gurney smashed into the curb out front and catapulted that casket right in there on that tile floor!
Well, the floor being waxed and as slick as a lawyer, that box never slowed down one bit;as a matter of fact, it even gained some speed from up front where it first hit. But it was what happened next that will long be remembered by the patrons of that little store, who had already been scared plum out of their wits when the "dead" man bounced though the door! You see, it was that great big bounce was all that Buford needed to open the lid on that container; for he had discovered that caskets aint made to be opened from within, and that makes them somewhat of a restrainer!
But when Buford sat up, the people all screamed! The women like flies started droppin! And as he slid past the prescription center, he hollered, "Hey Herby!,...have ya got anything to stop this coffin?"
It was Saturday morning at the barber shop, while Ralph waited his turn at bat; with a chin full of stubble and two month's growth a curlin' out from under his hat. He was a sittin' there reading and old dog-eared magazine that he'd seen many times before, it was one of Hank's newest, though it'd been on the shelf sense back in '94.
Now, Ralph wasn't much of a reader, not really, his hours spent reading was few; and when he did it was something like The Capper's Weekly, or The Midwest Stockman's Review, 'cause he didn't care a thing about ufo's, or royalty, with all it's misgivings, he just didn't see how all that stuff figured in with a man who punched cows for a livin'.
Now, this particular morning, for reasons unknown, a big half-page ad caught his eye; it was in amongst the "livestock for sale" pages, where there's all kinds of critters to buy. There was heifers and bulls and sittin' hens, and horses of nearly every size; but the one that jumped out said, Darling Pet Monkey!..Only $19.95!
Now fate, in it's self, is kinda funny at times, it's the author of a man's destination; and Ralph didn't know how his life was about to change as he pondered this here situation. He remembered all of them "Little Rascal" films that he had seen as a kid; and all of them cute, human like things that Stymie's pet monkey did. He had even read somewhere where they could make a fair living for organ grinders and such, with their unique abilities and charms; and he figured how he might even train his pet monkey to help out with chores on the farm.
As far as "pets" went, he was down to old Champ; a bulldog he bought long ago; and he thought, "I'll just buy that little ole monkey for Champ! He's appreciate his friendship I know! So, he got out his knife and he cut out the ad, and he cut out a check as well; and after his trim and a trip to the store, he just dropped them both off in the mail.
Now, time really flies when your havin' fun, or else you're out there a bustin' your butt; and about a month later, here came Amil the mail carrier in his red international truck."They's a perforated package for you,"Amil said, "It's a square box that weighs seven pounds; now, I don't know what's in there for sure, but it could be a wolverine from the way that it sounds!. And it stinks to high heavens!, so just sign here and take this thing away;'cause when it gets loose, I wanna be gone! Catch ya later now and have a nice day!"
Now, Ralph took his time opening that box, so as not to disturb the contents inside; and every time that thing would jump and growl, he'd pert near come out of his hide! "Aw, he's just running a bluff..", Ralph said, to calm his nerves,"I've seen that sort of thing before.." But his education started when that lid popped off, and that monkey hit the floor!
Now,in the North-East corner of this humble abode, hung some curtains that Ralph's mama had made; they were a little too fancy and frilly for a bachelor like him, but they did offer some afternoon shade. It was here that Ralph started to see the light. It was here he became a believer. For when he reached up and grabbed hold of that Monkey's tail, he found that monkeys too get shipping fever!
All over his hat! All over his shirt! All over his pants and his boots! Not to mention Mom's curtains and the the wall behind, that hairy little sniper did shoot! The laws of physics did not apply that day, no sir, not even one bit! How else could you get a gallon of a place that not even a quart would fit? But the time for pondering was not now, something just had to be done to get that monkey down off of them drapes, and it didn't look like it was gonna be all that much fun.
Just then, something blue and dangly caught his eye, it was the handle of a nylon leash. So, he put his hand in through that loop, and dallied it down tight to his wrist. Now, so far, Ralph had been real patient with this hairy little pest. He figured it was time for him to get him down off of his lofty little nest. But, as he pulled on that leash, that monkey held on tight with his hairy little hands; but when he snapped loose and landed on Ralph's back, the rodeo began!
Now, Ralph once tied himself down to a Brahma bull that weighed thirteen hundred pounds; and that critter jarred his ribs, throwed him off, and stomped his butt into the ground. He'd suffered kicks, broken legs and bruises in his years as a rodeo flunky, but never had he hurt even half as bad as he did being tied to that monkey! As that critter went round and round, that leash left Ralph plum immobile, while the monkey gnawed on his back with the full blown attack of a seven pound garbage disposal!
Well, in the midst of this rage, Ralph got some relief when that monkey's collar snapped, but the next sound that he heard, gave all the indications that Champ had awoke from his nap. Sure, ole Champ had been in scraps with other dogs, and even a cat or two, but nothing had prepared him for what lie ahead, he'd a durn sure have ran if he knew! Before that sleepy old dog could even open his eyes, that monkey had shown his agility; and like a bolt from the blue, he mounted Champ's back to prove his bronc-riding ability! One bite on the nape was all that it took. Champ learched with a terrible holler! Last time he was seen was when he burst through the screen with that monkey hanging on to his collar!
Well, that was about a week ago. Ralph aint seen him sense, but he ran into his neighbor Frank the other day while he was out there a fixin fence. He said, "Ralph, I've seen some really weird stuff in the eighty years that I've been alive, but you'll never believe what I saw just last week a comin' up my drive! I saw a bulldog, common hard, with a monkey on his back! I thought for a minute it was your dog Champ, 'cept he was a moving way too fast. Well, when they got down to my corral, and dove under that lower pole, that monkey zigged when he should have zagged, and it knocked him out plum cold!"
"Well, I took that little feller in and splashed some cold water on his face, and you know, that monkey turned out to be the darnedest thing that I've ever had on this here place!!!...He's..uh.....uh......, kind and smart and gentle...and, say!, sense you're a friend of mine; I'll sell him to ya! cage and all! only $19.95!
