Brock Broads Entertainment present: “Whorida - 7 gals in a van goin’ South”
This is the story of seven beautiful young women who decided to travel to Florida for a little break during school. Please read while high, it will make more sense that way.
First off, lets introduce the characters of the story. There is Angela, the little gambler that could. Angela enjoys long walks along the beach as well as making fun of those who wear faded jeans. She is also known to be fooling around with her roommate’s boyfriend but this is to be kept secret. She once said to me, “Alan, why don’t things fall up??” I just looked at her, she made a little schoolgirl giggle and then took another toke.
Next there is Megan, who is known to have had more colours in her hair than a prisma-colour 64 pack. Megan enjoys long naps, wearing LOW-rise jeans (sorry i think i saw her ass-crack at Karbaum’s) and she also enjoys smoking a marijuana cigarette on holidays and any other special occasions (these “occassions” can be made up and occur daily if need be) Megan once beat up a homeless man for not giving her a cigarette. He told her “I have no home, no money, and therefore cant buy them, I don’t even smoke” She then told him to get a job and smarten up and then stole his shoes. She wears them to this day, occasionally to clubs, as a constant reminder for bums not to mess with her.
Also there is Krista, the little hard-nosed go-getter. “Kritter”, as they call her, is known to be blunt as well as exceptionally vocal. Krista enjoys amusement parks, ice cream, and drinking liquor like water. I meant at the same speed as she would drink water, I wasn’t using water as an example of liquor, I was just..... Oh fuck off!, You try and write a story on the spot! Asshole! Where was I? Oh Yah, Asshole!! Ok so Krista is also known to have this dreamboat boyfriend who they call the “God with a package”, whatever that means, I dont know, blah blah blah.
Next there is Suzi. “Boozi”, as they would call her. “They” actually made up all their nicknames. You should meet They, hes a great guy. Anyways, what can I say about Suzi? She is known to be quite the critic. For example, when George Bush was addressing the nation after being hit by terrorism, she was like “Oh George, you did not wear that tie with that jacket, come on Osama, don’t even tell me that turban is polyester girl!” She means well I think. Suzi enjoys sweet guys, kittens, and eating dirty icicles found under cars. Suzi was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.
Next there is Lee-Anne. I know what you’re saying. Why does she get 2 names Alan, why does she get 2? First off, why did you ask me that question twice? And second, basically because she is better than you. Its ok, I live in denial and sometimes call myself Al-Anne just to feel better. Anyways we will call her Lee just in case I’m losing some of the readers who cant put two and two together. Now we have Lee, or “Lee Lee”, which she likes to call herself because she thinks its still the first day of kindergarten. “Now dont forget your She-ra lunchbox and your My Little Pony binder, Lee Lee” “Don’t worry I won’t mommsy” Lee is known to have an obsession with Eminem, as her walls read “Marshall is coming”. Lee once purchased one of Shady’s toenails off of E-Bay. She lives off the phrase, “Why cry over spilt malk?”
Who else do we have? Ah yes, Amanda. This little cute muffin is also known as “Manz” Either due to her name being Amanda or due to her ability to attract so many manz at the bar. Amanda is the lovable sort, enjoys watching a good movie, talking to friends, and collecting newspapers that neighbours throw out. Like Krista, she is tiny and was considered by the girls to be labelled as luggage when driving through customs. Amanda once got so high that she asked a cop directions to a nearby club. The cop then responded by asking “How old are you?” She then responded “18, but you think these fuckin fools iz gonna catch my fake ID? Anywayz G!” Amanda spent the night in jail and was then released on bail by a dear friend named Jake. The bail money was intended to be used for purchasing weed or weed-affiliated products, therefore Jake was not happy with this incident.
Last but least, there is Louise. “The Irish Wonder”, as they call her, is known to be the straight-forward member of the group of seven. She can give you an icy cold stare at a bar and you don’t know whether to laugh hesitantly or shit your pants. She is sweet yet evil, shy yet sexy, so unpredictable. She is known to be a master in the bedroom, meaning that if you need your bedroom done by an interior decorator, she’s your gal. What did you think I meant?? Anyways, Louise enjoys going to museums, playing board games, and lesbian porn. She once taped an episode of Wheel of Fortune, played it later with friends as they were amazed when she got every puzzle right. She even started guessing the categories right before they came up. Her friends started to get suspicious when she guessed the prize that the contestant would win at the end. Louise was once kicked out of a club for feeling herself up. She tried to explain to the officer “No no, that’s just how I dance!”
So, I’ve introduced the characters so let’s get on with the story.
It’s another normal day at Brock University. It’s 4pm, nobody is awake, Krista is sleeping in a pile of bottles and vomit, and Ange is returning from the casino naked because she had to gamble away her clothes after a desperate roulette night. Suzi and Louise have slept over due to excessive alcohol consumption leading to inability to walk. So Suzi wakes up and yells out, “Oh my God, I just had an idea!!!” This excites everybody because this could be the one time she says something worth listening to. “Why don’t we all go on a vacation??” Louise wakes up at the sound of this news. She rubs her eyes as she isnt sure if what she’s hearing is true. She then moves the dube that was in her mouth when she fell asleep, “I know exactly where we can go!!!” “Where?”, says Ange, still naked. Suzi and Ange begin to make out due to excitement. Ok sorry they didn’t make out, but I just wanted the male readers to think I was going in that direction. Come on, 7 girls?? So Louise says, “Well I really wanted to go back to Ireland this year, but it’s really expensive, so why don’t we go right next door to it?? “Like where?” says Krista, “England, Wales??” “No no, I’m talkin’ about a little place called Florida” The girls all started laughing. “Silly goof”, said Ange, “Florida is in Australia!” The others then informed Angela that Florida was in America and then they gave a group high-five, took a shot of vodka, and then went back to sleep on 2 couches, one broken and the other inflatable.
So wake-up time comes around for the girls, 7:30pm to be exact. Krista gets on the phone to tell the other girls, Megan, Lee, and Amanda, the news. The phone rings and Megan answers. “Hey Megan, why did you take so long to answer the phone??” “Oh sorry Krista, I’ve just had a lot on my mind today” “Oh, like what??” “Well, I met this guy at the bar last night and he seemed real nice, had hair, almost a full set of teeth. Anyways, he asked me out on a date tonight. I really liked him, and then I found out that he just got out of jail for killing three people. What should I do??” “Um Megan, are you slow?? I think it’s kind of obvious, go with the blue halter top and the black pants, it shows your curves. If this guy is as nice as you say then go for it!” “Thanks Kritter, you always know how to help” “So why did you call??” “Well Megs, I just wanted to see if you wanted to................ come to FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!” Megan is now so excited to hear the news and she runs to tell the others. She quietly opens Amanda’s door and pretends not to see her making out with her Justin Timberlake pillow. She gets by the awkward moment and then tells Amanda the news. Amanda tells her that she cant wait because she has always wanted to go to Asia and then Megan proceeds to Lee’s room. She first pushes her way by the stacks of Eminem magazines and boxes labelled “marriage proposal letters to Marshall”, and then tells Lee, “Hey Lee Lee, guess what, we’re goin to FLORIDA” “Yaaaaaaaay” says Lee, “didn’t they do really well at the Olympics last year??” So now the girls all knew of the plans. The adventure was about to happen, a trip to Florida, just the seven of them, well maybe six, depending on whether Megan survives her date.
So now it was time, time to leave Canada and hit the beaches of Florida. Megan had an interesting date, and no, she wasn’t killed, only a few bruises and a restraining order. They all piled into the van that they got by flashing some guy on campus. Apparently this young gentleman had always had this fantasy involving seeing 14 tits for a one-second span. Hopefully it was worth it because his dad is gonna be pissed, actually no, I know Chuck Taylor, he’s not that strict. Anyways, so they’re on their way. Angela is driving........ all of the other girls insane and Megan is behind the wheel. Amanda and Krista are unable to drive because they would rather spend their pocket money on bazooka joes and whistle dogs rather then getting their licences. The van ride to the border was a short one, yet it was a lot of fun. The girls got to tell stories during the ride, make a few jokes, roast marshmallows, and play an entertaining game of Twister.
So they finally got to the border. Everything was running smoothly until the officer at he window asked Megan if she had any drugs in the vehicle. She responded by saying “Why, what do you need?” All of a sudden, police officers were jumping out of everywhere. There were about 15 armed men surrounding the vehicle at this point. “Oh My God!!!!!!”, screamed Louise, “I can’t die now, the world needs me, joints must be smoked, men at bars must be teased, I just cant die now!” “Me neither!”, screamed Krista, “I’m in the middle of Charlotte’s Web!” “Fuck this” muttered Megan under her breath. “Louise is gonna tease those men, and God damn it, Krista is gonna finish that book even if her smelly Grandmother who skips parts and can’t do the voices, is reading it to her. On that notion, Megan stepped on the gas and gave her hell. After running through nine police officers, brutally wounding three and killing the other six, Megan and the girls were free. Or were they?? All of a sudden there were cruisers and choppers coming from everywhere. Megan had just killed 6 officers, which was a death sentence waiting to happen so she didn’t feel like stopping. “ I have an idea guys!” said Amanda, nearly out of breath. The girls wondered how she escaped from the luggage she was zipped up in but listened anyways. “What do u say we have one last toke guys? You know, a little pre-death hot box couldn’t hurt.” The girls began to cry,... and then began to smoke, and.... then began to get hungry, and then began to make fun of past elementary school teachers, and then began to laugh every time Megan slammed on the brakes” “Hey Megan!” said Lee, “What are you scared of,.......... the cops behind us??” The girls all looked at each other and then erupted with laughter. Only weed could cause such a moment to be humourous. “Oh my God I just realized something”, said Angela, “Lee’s name backwards is ‘Eel” The girls were all amazed by this discovery. Then all of a sudden the girls realized that there was only one cop left on their trail. There was a possibility that they might make it!! Oh no, the cops had put spike belts on the road and Megan had ran them over. The van slowed down and eventually came to a complete stop. The officers began yelling for the girls to get out of the car but they were all scared frozen. Was this it? Was this the end of the line for this group? There were two cops and one entered through each door. “Put your God Damn hands u.......” The first cop couldn’t even finish his sentence as Suzi watched him pass out onto her lap. Suzi then made some joke about having a guy’s head on her lap but the girls were too scared too laugh, plus it wasn’t funny anyways. Then the second cop stared in with confusion. He opened the door and realized why his partner passed out after he took one breath of this now marijuana fume-filled vehicle. Angela looked up, “Oh my God guys, we have become so immune to weed fumes that the smoke that would kill an entire navy didn’t even phase us!!!” The girls all yelled in excitement. They were all going to live out their dreams in Florida! “Um hey gals” said Megan with a cocky smirk on her face, “any of you ladies wanna still go to Florida??” “YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” they all yelled, “STEP ON IT!!!!” “You know what ladies? I think I shall, lets get outta here!!!!” They had all forgotten that the tires were popped, thus ruining any chances of leaving at that moment. But to keep this part short, they flashed some guy driving by in a Caravan, he stopped at the side of the road, Krista broke his neck with her feet, and they were off to Florida again.
To be continued................................