Welcome to my page of quotes. This is a collection of some of the best quotes, some of the worst quotes, and some of the most retarded quotes I have ever heard! Note, the dumb quotes on this site do not come from individuals with down syndrome, as that would be a nice excuse! The witty titles of these quotes are almost as lame as the quots themselves. Remember folks, these are real...........sadly!

quote - Colin Jones - "A Bad Wrap"

One night my family and I were eating dinner. For some reason I was reciting a condom commercial that was popular at the time. I had began shouting "Wrap it up!" If that wasn't stupid enough, my stepbrother, Colin replied "No, don't rap it up, heavy metal it up!" Silence filled the table as a bushel of tumbleweed rolled by. Nobody thought it was funny, except for my younger brother, David, who began choking and eventually threw up his entire grape crush. To this day, i haven't figured out what posessed Colin to say something so retarded and unfortunate.

quote - Alan Wood - "Be Honest and Tell the Tooth"

while working for my job as a puffs tissue sample-giver, me and a co-worker named Richard were paying a parking attendant for the time we had spent sampling at a certain location. We gave him one of the puffs samples and he laughed and mumbled something. It was when he laughed that I got to see his poor excuse for a set of teeth. It was as if corn and baked beans were hanging from the man's gums. After he was finished giggling Rich looked over at me and said "what did he just say?" I replied by saying "I dont know, something about dental work" As I said that Rich erupted with laughter, which turned into howling, and dont forget this is all happening right in front of this middle-aged redneck! I believe that he was hurt, but it was worth a chuckle.

quote - David Wood - "Poor Kid!"

While at the dinner table at my father's house, my girlfriend, Krista, punched me in a jokeful manner. I then said jokingly "ow that hurt, hey guys, this is what she is like when she is in a good mood, you should see her when she is in a bad mood." It was a cheap joke but I just said it for fun and it got a laugh. It could of been left at that but David had to make the moment a catastrophe by making a joke of his own. "Ya, you should see her in a bad mood, next thing you know you'll wake up in a coma!" David looked around for a sign of laughter but nobody could think of anything to say to dignify such a comment. That doesn't make any sense little one, look up coma in the dictionary, the coma state does not involve being awake. David also lives by the phrase "its like killing 2 birds with 3 stones."

quote - Daniela Gonzalez - "Back to the Future"

Daniela Gonzalez is my sister, and I love her, but sometimes she has been known to slip up. She has had a long history of questionable comments, and so we began to name them. If ever Daniela made a stupid nonsense comment, we labeled it a "dannyism". Most of them are really funny and could have used more thought process before being said. My favourite occured while we were on vacation. I recall that we were on bicycles and we were on the subject of "dannyisms". Daniela then asked me, "Hey Al, what do you think was the best "dannyism" of 1999?"........ it was still 1998! Nice one bud. I now own a collection of the best "dannyisms" of 2002

quote - Colin yet again - "It's Raining Insults"

At a recent party my brother Colin's friend Mike Monohan was talking about the weather problems. He says "it's not even raining anymore." Colin responds by saying "You'll be raining in a minute!!" There was a quick moment of confusion and then the party continued. Nice one Colin, that had to hurt!

quote - Mrs X - Brutal Mis-understanding!"

I will not reveal this person's name so I will refer to her as "Mrs X". So we are at my friend Angela's cottage. Im in the kitchen along with a friend, Jeremy Black, and Mrs X. I had just finished toasting a bagel. I took the bagel out and cut it open with the only knife I could find. It was practically a butcher's knife. But it would do the job. I then had to butter the knife with the same huge knife. I look over at Mrs X and I say "This knife is doing the job but its probably not a good knife to be uing universally." She responds by saying "Yah, this wouldn't be accepted at university, maybe here at the cottage, but definitely not university!" I proceeded to run out of the room. I know the words "university" and "universally" sound similar, but only one makes sense in that situation. Terrible quote.

quote - Mike Yaskovitch - "Mental Anguish"

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally disabled live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."

quote - David Wood - "I-C-Queer"

my brother David, who takes the short bus to school, was talking to one of my sister's friends on icq. The person had to abruptly leave for a moment. They wrote "brb". David responded with "excuse you!" Excuse me David, but how slow are you?? For those of u as challenged as my brother, "brb" stands for "be right back". I think David's brain will never brb.

quote - Sharon Stone - "The dirty truth"

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."

quote - Mike Yaskovitch - "Axl Woes"

Mike lives by the fact that "Guns N' Roses are returning in 2002. I just have a feeling." Yah right Mike, great chance of that happening! In order to put salt in Mike's wounds, I have come up with a list of things that I believe have more chance of coming back, and a list of things that I believe have more chance of beginning than a Guns N' Roses comeback:

2002 Amazing Returns:

- hypercolor t-shirts - pogs - marbles - Pauly Shore - tearaway pants - Dance sensations "the Urban Cookie Collective" - public hangings - Blossom - Pogo balls - the girl who played Eddie and Laura's little sister on family Matters. ( I think she had 3 lines in like 14 years) - tape decks - Mike Sauter - mullets (oh wait they are back in style) - Kriss and/or Kross - WWF Hall of Famer, the Repo Man - yogurt-covered fruit wrinkles - kid n' play

Amazing Debuts:

- a late night show hosted by Alf with Willie on the drums. - Kevin Costner makes something worth watching - a new-age version of the musical "Cats" ( all actual mammal cats have been devoured by Alf ) - pre-solved puzzles take over the toy world - The Land After Time ( thats how far the Land Before Time sequels are going to go ) - auctions for dead celebrities' body parts ( Elvis, Sinatra, Guns N' Roses ) - the music genre officially titled "dirty pop" will take over - Playboy cover featuring Oprah - the "Welcome to Hollywood" website goes worldwide and Alan Wood is labeled as one of Time Magazine's "25 most influential people". He also stars in his movie debut, a biography of a disgruntled teen in Asia, called "Upset in Tibet", alongside Shaquille O'Neal, Frank Stallone, Stephen Baldwin, and the guy who made all of the funny noises in "Police Academy".

So Mike, just to put your innocent little prediction into perspective, if over three quarters of these things actually happen then maybe, just maybe, there is a slight chance of a return for "Toothless Gums N' Wilted Roses" I wish them all the best, but lets just say Axl Rose is at least 85, and I believe that his axels are no longer turning, bye.

quote - David Wood - "Joke gone wrong"

Okay, so we're at this little dinner get-together at my cousins' place, luckily it wasn't too formal so David attending wasn't out of the question. We get to that point of the night where everybody tends to tell eachother some of their new jokes. We had a few laughs, and it was fun, but you just know that a night can not run totally smoothly with the presence of my 11 year old (with the mentality of a three year old rabbit) brother. I believe that we were at the final joke, so the night was actually that close to being flawless, but David wasn't gonna settle for that:

Alan: Hey Dad, how do you keep a loser in suspense?

Dad: I don't know Al, how?

Alan: I'll tell ya tommorrow!! ( laughter in the background as the punchline is delivered )

David: No guys just tell me now, tell me today, why do I get left out? Is this joke too grown-up for me?

What the genious wonder didn't realize, was that it was a joke, poor fella, imagine if that happened at a comedy club, he would have been booed out, worst than Rosanne Arnold when she sang the national anthem. ( Sidenote: As I was typing this quote, Krista and David were looking at our fish tanks. Krista claimed that one of the fish were missing. David ended her pondering by stating that "maybe the fish burnt up." What David doesn't realize is that a fish submerged in H2O would lack the capability of even slightly igniting. The only thing that is on fire, is David with all of these mind-boggling comments! )

David: 4 Colin: 2

quote - Mr. Yaskovitch - "Time Machine"

While referring to the modern teenager: "Kids these days are spoiled! You didn't see me as a teenager driving around in a 2000 Malibu!" Sir when you were 18 I don't think anybody was driving around in a 2000 Malibu. I love that guy.

quote - Believe it or not, David again - "slim davey"

recntly i was searching on a website. One of those annoying pop-ups came up so I went to close it. David noticed it and began reading the title: "Vote for your favourite celebrity:" He then began reading the options: "Cindy Crawford, Tom Hanks, Eminem.... Hey, Eminem isn't a celebrity, he's a singer." David is filing a complaint to that website at this very moment.

quote - Angelica Pappin- "bugs funny"

I recently received one of those email surveys from one Angelica Pappin. The question read: "What are your biggest fears??" She responded by saying: "Death and spiders, actually any insect with more than 2 legs is too scary for me!" Let me see here Angelica, what I am scared of, is these insects that have 2 or less legs. "Get down!!! It's those 2-legged horseflies again!" "Oh my God! How the hell am I gonna grow these crops with all of these one-legged grasshoppers ruining everything??" Its just funny that you are scared of insects with more than 2 legs but you choose not to fear the two-footed wonderous bugs that apparently roam our planet