...All Through the Night...
Sleep, my child and peace attend thee,
All Through the Night.
Guardian angels God will send Thee
All Through the night.
Soft the drowsy hours are creeping
Hill and vale in slumber sleeping;
God His loving vigil keeping
All Through the Night.
February 17th-29th, 2000
February 19th, 2000
Finally things seem to mellowing out a bit in the home department. Though I'm sure the actual healing will take a great deal more time, our relationship is on a definite mend...and for that I am eternally thankful. Though, of course, I would appreciate more support and enthusiasm from Brian...I know it's hard for him to show much attatchment to this baby (especially after our past history of miscarriages). I think he's afraid that if he gets too close, maybe something bad will happen again. I know the same feelings as he feels, but for me I can't avoid what is happening to me and what is growing inside of me. This is my baby...our baby...and I already love him/her with all my heart.
February 22nd, 2000
Sometimes! Ugh...it's so frustrating! Today was one of those emotional, hormonal days that Brian just seems to agrivate and make worse. From the minute he walked in the door it seems that we did nothing but rub each other the wrong way. I absolutely love this man...and adore being with him, but, right now, with my emotions and his exhaustion, we tend to drive each other nuts. I'm not going to blame him for this. It's not his fault, because he honestly does try...but sometimes I feel like he regrets everything he has to do in order to help me. So what did I do? I over reacted. I went on a snit fit and decided to do a furious cleaning job on the house: sweeping and mopping all the floors, vaccuming, dishes, baths, scrubbing and a few things I don't remember. And now I'm paying for it of course. I'm sore and tired and achy all over. I'm going to be hurting tomorrow.
February 23rd, 2000
Well, it's happened...that nightmare that I've been dreading since I found out I was pregnant: I'm spotting. Nothing in the world has prepared me for this, and the heart break that is destroying me. I'm so afraid...terrified that this is going to be the end of another angel. I'm so broken and numb that I can't even cry...yet.
I called the doctor today, and she was so kind to me...I was very impressed. She asked a lot of important questions and worked with me as best as she possibly could (with what we had). Due to Brian still being at school/work and the lightness of the blood, we have agreed to wait another day. I've been placed on bed rest with my feet up and have been told to call their office tomorrow morning to check in. The tears are finally coming now and all I can do is sit back and cry for myself, cry for my baby, and pray with everything inside of me that this baby wont leave me like the others.
I stayed down most of the day today, kinda floating in and out of thought. I cried a lot, and was numb a lot. And prayed a lot. I was given a great deal of comfort, though, by those wonderful women...that I am honored to call my friends...from the iVillage Prayer Board, Belly Buddies and regular September 2000 Expecting Board. Many sent very nice emails to me with so many get well wishes and prayers for the baby that the bite of this miserable time was tempered with their love. I even got a phone call from one of my friends from the Prayer Board tonight; Kim. She gave me the first smile of the day...praying for me and laughing with me (especially about my daughter's fastination with Ricky Martin). She's so positive and supportive it's hard to feel hopeless when talking to her.
February 24th, 2000
I checked in with the doctor this morning, answering more questions...telling her just what had happened over night. Fortunately, most of the heavier spotting had stopped shortly after I called them yesterday...but I am still spotting on occation. They have decided that, instead of making a new appointment, that I will just go in as schedualed tomorrow afternoon. There I will meet with the doctor and get a full exam...hopefully hearing the heart beat in the process. But, until then, I've again been instructed to keep down and rest...no heavy lifting and little to no activity (as it seems to aggrivate the bleeding) So, I guess...I wait, again.
February 25th, 2000
My first official appointment...goodness was I sooo scared. I could barely eat, drink or think of anything else until I was in that room. I was pleasantly surprised though. The doctor (Dr. Schemmel) and his staff were fabulous. All so attentive and careful as to my needs and questions, trying very had to be supportive. Of course, the appointment was fairly normal: pelvic exame, blood tests, blood pessure, heart, lungs, family history, urine tests and such. And, to my amazement, all was more than normal...everything was just fine! Of course, the bleeding still concerns the doctor...but he's more interested in why I'm bleeding and why I've miscarried. To this end, he's schedualed an ultra sound appointment for me next Wednesday (March 1st). There we will determine the size, length and health of my pregnancy.
