...Cherished Friends...
God must have known there would be times
We'd need a word of cheer
Someone to praise a triumph
Or brush away a tear.
He must have known we'd need to share
The joy of "little things"
In order to appreciate
The happiness life brings.
I think he knew our troubled hearts
Would sometimes throb with pain
At trials and misfortunes
Or some goals we can't attain.
He knew we'd need the comfort
Of an understanding heart
To give us strength and courage
To make a fresh, new start.
He knew we'd need companionship
Unselfish...lasting...true,
And so God answered the heart's great need
With cherished friends...
Like You!
February, 2000
February 1st, 2000
So far...so good! I've managed to make it past the first day of my last miscarriage with success. Each time I went to the bathroom...I went with a feeling of dread, expecting to see that tell-tale blood staring back at me from the paper. Feeling depressed and then elated everytime I went...terrified that this time would be the time it would happen. Each twinge, each back ache, each cramp another signal that would send me off to the bathroom hoping that nothing was wrong. But, to my delight and God's grace, I've managed to make it past that hurdle and I'm going into the stretch. Soon...I can officially say with pride "I'm pregnant!". God willing of course.
February 5th, 2000
Another four days come and gone, and we're still hanging on! Each day brings a new sense of hope...a new peace...the possibility that this baby may just make it, at least, one more day. Another few hours that bring us closer to safety.
It's hard sometimes...feeling like I'm the only one who cares about this. Like I'm obsessing over something that I have no control over...and maybe I am. But I can't mandate how I feel, how it effects me. I just seem to feel an overwhelming connection and dependence on the success of this pregnancy. Like maybe, this time, I can make things right...do things better than before. I know that it's all truly in God's hands...and that I have a really little effect on things, but I want to do this. And I pray each day that God will see things through.
February 6th, 2000
Congratulations Tracy and Beth (my neighbors)! Today Beth gave birth to: Austin James...8lbs 6oz, 20inches long at 11:00am February 6th, 2000.
Another day come and gone for myself...with another day of hope. Though it's hard to always feel positive about all of this. I often find that I have doubts, sometimes about everything and anything I can imagine...sometimes I can't quite place a name to my feelings. Maybe it's just that "fun" little side effect of pregnancy hormones. That "wonderful" depression that tends to hit when you're least expecting it, and usually for no reason. But what ever it is...today has not been one of my better days, unfortunately. So many questions, so many worries, and very little forth coming in the way of answers. And of course, no doctor to tell me that everything is alright...not until the medical comes through, that is. So I sit...and wait (and grumble at the mail to bring me that long awaited for medical information I've been waiting for). But, as long as I'm not bleeding...SOMETHING should be going alright. Right?
February 9th, 2000
After sitting in grey darkness nearly all winter, the sun emerged and the sky turned blue. It was lovely, and so inviting...I couldn't resist bringing the girls outside for a small private pick-nick near the pool in our appartment complex today. I was a bit surprised at the nip still in the air (the sun had been a bit deceiving) but well worth the time to pack, dress and go for our little walk to eat lunch. We munched on tuna sandwiches (with lots of pickles...mmmmm!) olives, cheese sticks, potato chips, pepsi (I know, I know...how naughty of me, but it tasted sooo good! Icy cold and blubbly? The perfect pick-nick drink) and a few mints for that after lunch treat. It was a delight to just sit there and soak up sun and listen to the birds singing. Of course, the house was left a mess and the dishes undone...something Brian is going to be none to fond of...but I think it was worth even that in the end. And maybe, I might just do it again tomorrow! The walk felt wonderful, and getting out and stretching these muscles was an incredible relief. And I'm sure it didn't do my pregnancy any harm either...getting a bit of good old fashioned exersise.
February 13th, 2000
Well, so far the pregnancy is going well enough...but seems that the situation at home is deterorating rapidly. With the combination of: stress, Brian's college schedual, full time work and general worry over this baby and supplying for it's needs...I think we're suffering a bit of over load. And with the combination of pregnancy hormones and general symptoms, it's hard to think rationally when upsetting situations arise. To make a point, I'm miserable...in tears and feeling more than a bit overwhelmed by everything that's happening. I just pray to God that with each new day, He will see to my needs and the happiness and harmony of our family...and this beautiful baby.
February 14th, 2000
Happy Valentine's Day! And...I've MADE IT! I've managed to pass the hurdle of my previous miscarriages with flying colors (and not a little bit of morning sickness to boot). But the happiness and satisfaction of making it to this point has been dampened by the constant problems and stress of the home situation. If only I could appreciate the moment and the satisfaction of making it past this heap, but my joys are mixed with such crushing spiritual pain and sorrows that I haven't been able to welcome this good news properly. But God knows best what is needed in my life and understands what I'm suffering...and I trust that in him, all will be well. So all I can do for now is pray and place my life, the life of this baby and my marriage into God's hands.
February 16th, 2000
Each day means another day that I have my little one growing and developing inside of me...anticipating it's first kicks, and feeling those singular touches that only a mother knows. But sometimes I'm so frightened that this wont last, that soon this will end in another heart breaking miscarriage. It's crushing to even imagine such a thing happening...and then with the way my marriage is going right now, I'm feeling desperate and alone.
My strongest support (outside the blessings of a wonderful, understanding and supportive mother) are a group of women at iVillage.com Sept 00 expecting board. They've given so much support and love to the others of us that, at least there, I feel welcomed and wanted and understood in all that I do. But with each woman that leaves the board for another miscarriage, each poor mother that is suffering the tell-tale bleeding...it chokes me up inside. It's like I'm suffering it for them, and...of course...I begin to worry all over again. Each twinge, each pain, each worry building until I break into tears and cry for them...and myself.
Continued
