Quotes

From Kevin Smith's
Clerks
Randal: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean up the booths afterward, because practically everybody shoots a load against the window, and I don't know if you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: This is the last time I come into this place.
Dante: Excuse me?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers...you should both get fired.
Dante: We're sorry, sir. We got a little carried away.
Customer: Well, I don't know if sorry can make up for it. I found you remarks highly offensive.
Randal: Well, if you think that's offensive, then check this out. I think you can see her kidneys.
Jay: I feel good today, Silent Bob. We're gonna make some money! And then you know what we're gonna do? We're going to go to that party and get some pussy! I'm gonna fuck this bitch I'm gonna fuck this bitch...I'LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES!!! What you looking at? I'll kick you fucking ass! Doesn't that motherfucker still owe me ten bucks? Tonight me and you are going to rip off that fucker's head, and take out his fucking soul! Remind me if he tries to buy something from us, to cut it with leafs and twigs...or fucking shit in the motherfucker's bag! Wa sup sluts? Damn Silent Bob! You one rude motherfucker! But you're cute as hell. I wanna go down on you, and suckle you. And then, I wanna line up three more guys, and make like a circus seal... Ewww! You fucking faggot! I fucking hate guys! I LOVE WOMEN! Neh.
Dante: You sucked that guys dick?
Veronica: Yeah. How do you think I knew he liked...
Dante: But...but you said you only had sex with three guys! You never mentioned him!
Veronica: That's because I never had sex with him!
Dante: You sucked his dick!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only slept with three guys?
Veronica: Because I did only sleep with three guys! That doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante: Oh my God--I feel so nauseous...
Veronica: I'm sorry Dante, I thought you understood.
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you slept with three different guys, and that's all you said.
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Veronica: Dante...
Dante: How many dicks have you sucked?!
Veronica: Let it go...
Dante: HOW MANY?
Veronica: All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you fucked.
Dante: This is different. This is important. How many?! Well...?
Veronica: Something like thirty-six.
Dante: WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?
Veronica: Lower your voice!
Dante: What the hell is that anyway, "something like thirty-six?" Does that include me?
Veronica? Um. Thirty-seven.
Dante: I'M THIRTY-SEVEN?
Randal: Yes, I'd like to place an order, please...Thank you.
Mother: Excuse me, but do you sell videotapes?
Randal: What are you looking for?
Mother: It's called Happy-Scrappy--The Hero Pup.
Small Child: Happy Scrappy!
Randal: I'm on the phone with the distribution house now. Let me make sure they have it. What's it called again?
Mother: Happy Scrappy--The Hero Pup.
Small Child: Happy Scrappy!
Mother: She loves the tape.
Randal: Obviously. Yes, hello; this is R.S.T. Video calling. Customer number four-three-five-zero-two-nine. I'd like to place an order...Okay... I need one each of the following tapes: Whisper in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put it Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking, Volume Eight, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshiping Rim Jobbers, My Cunt and Eight Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns Three, Cumming in a Sock, Cum on Eileen, Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum, Slame It Up My Too-Loose Ass, Ass Blasters in Outer Space, Blowjobs by Betsy, Sucking Cock and Cunt, Finger My Ass, Play With My Puss, Three on a Dildo, Girls Who Crave Cock, Girls Who Crave Cunt, Men Alone Two--The K.Y. Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, and All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Oh, and... What was the name of that movie?
Jay: Olaf, metal! That's his fucking metal face. Olaf, girls nice?
Olaf: Skrelnick.
Jay: That's fucked up.
Girl 1 What did he say?
Jay: I don't know, man. He's a fucking character.
Girl 2: He really wants to play metal?
Jay: He's got his own band in Moscow. It's called "Fuck Your Yankee Blue Jeans" or something like that.
Girl 1: That doesn't sound metal.
Jay: You gotta hear him sing. Olaf, "Berserker!" C'mon, man, "Berserker!"
Girl 2: Does he sing in English or Russian?
Jay: English. C'mon, "Berserker!" Girls think sexy.
Olaf: Da. Da.
Jay: He's gonna sing it. This is too funny.
Olaf: MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK BERSERKER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKING FUCK? BERSERKER!
Jay: That's fucking funny, man!
Girl 1: Did he say "making fuck?"