Seeing Grey
Part 1
29 May - 8PM
I'm finally alone. Funny how I run
to my diary instead of calling a friend. Tim went to some art
show downtown, so he should be gone for a while. Maybe if I'm
lucky he'll get drunk and sleep in a gutter somewhere so I can
have a night without him. It's all wrong - I shouldn't be happy
when he's gone and I know that, and that's whats really wrong - I'm
not happy when he's around...in fact, he's an insensitive prick.
And when I think back on it, he was an insensitive prick when I
first moved to London and started dating him. I dont know what
the fuck was wrong with me then, but whatever it is it's still
there because I'm still here. I desperately want out of here, but
where the hell am I gonna go?
-Kali.
31st May
The gig was fine. We were chummy by that point but there's just the emotional baggage- you could feel it. Crackling between us. And I think she's getting sick of playing anyway.
The weird thing was this chic. In the audience. After the gig I went to get a drink (so much for not drinking again) and she just kinda sided up to me and said 'hey'. We got to talking and apparently she needs a singer for this little band she has. I told her I wasn't making any promises but she'd been impressed etc... and wants me to have a go.
What do I make of that? I'm all torn cos I need the money which I'm getting from the whole jazz thingy but I'm really over it. Making lurve to the mic every night. So there's promise of something new- but it's risky. I need garuntee's and shit before I walk away. Ah well, the chic- who's name was... Carly- no, 'Kali'; said she'd come tomorrow night and watch again. It's an Indian name. Goddess of death and destruction. And she looked so innocent too. So you can see why I'm not risking anything here.
So Tim is still being a huge prick and now I have good cause to leave him. (Like all the other crap wasn't good cause)And here it is. A couple days ago I went to this new club downtown. They advertised live music every night so I figured it was worth checking out. Well...the music didn't exactly suit my taste...it was this weird progressive jazz or something. But, I met this really great singer called Adele. She asked me to call her Delly but I felt kinda awkward knowing her full name and calling her by a nickname when I'd just met her. So she seemed nice enough when I approached her. We talked for a bit and I gave her my phone number. I was just blown away by her voice, even though it was jazz singing backed by a jangly piano, I could totally hear her belting out Helter Skelter or something in the middle of it all. Hearing her sing really lit a spark inside of me. I'm really back into the idea of being in a band again. I haven't really played in the three years I've been living with Tim except for stolen moments late at night after art gallery exhibits or cocktail parties.
I'm not really sure how the band thing will work, because so far, it's just myself, and I'd like to play drums...and then there's possibly Adele, she told me she plays guitar as well as doing vocals. I guess we could find a bass player. I just hope there's not all that fucking creative tension bullshit going on like there was when I was still with Starside. Every day, day in, day out...well, I want it this way, well I don't like that drum fill, well blah blah blah...it wasn't even the fact that they were disagreeing with me that was causing the problems, it was the fact that when we started that band, we'd agreed to hear each other out, and it seemed like in the end I was the only one left holding on to the ideals we'd started out with. Not to mention we wasted hours upon hours playing gigs at sweaty pubs in the middle of nowhere just so we could sit up in a bed and breakfast all night and bicker over how the songs would be played at the next night's gig.
Oh super, Tim is home. He's going to be on my case about the cheating thing again. He's now convinced that I've "turned" lesbian on him and am seeing Adele just because she left a message on our machine this morning. He acts like I'm not allowed to have any life whatsoever outside of our flat. It's obvious that he's very insecure about our relationship, but I can't think of anything I've done to make him feel insecure. I think he's actually just insecure about love in general, and I just can't tolerate it. Sometimes I think that I should be "teaching" him how to be in a relationship without be paranoid, but whenever we're together he finds a way to instigate something which just ends me up pissed off. I just wanna meet someone who knows how to let someone else know that they actually give a fuck about them and it seems like in this town there's a shortage of guys like that.
I'm already talking as if we've broken up, so it's obvious that I know it's going to happen in the near future. I just want to get this band thing sorted out before I make any moves like that - it sounds horrible and bitchy, but where would I live if we split up and I didn't have any promise of a future whatsoever?
-Kali.
The first time I called, some guy answered. I presume it was her boyfriend. Didn't sound very sugary sweet. I doubt he passed on the message. I've just left a couple of words on her answering machine now. So I guess I'll be seeing Kali tomorrow. I've invited her round. To talk I guess. I mean, I really have to set things straight with her- explain what I want ie- a job. Cos I don't want to go back to waitressing. Or something crap like that. She seems nice enough though. From what I can remember in a haze of vodka and jazz club atmosphere.
It's bizzare how everything chooses to happen now. After such a lull and a repetitive life of jazz, drink, rehearse, jazz, drink, rehearse.
It's good though, but I'm letting my imagination go again. Visualising success and all that. It's a viscious little trap and I've been doing it since I was a teenager, and then wondering why, after all the hype in my mind, I was dissapointed when nothing happened. When the sun came up and the sun went down and everything stayed the same.
My apartment looks like a group of 5yr olds have come in and attacked it, along with some football hooligans. How do I manage to make so much mess? Probably cos I never clean. I have to re-arrange the objects and clothing a bit and make things respectable for Kali tomorrow. Cos I won't want to do it then.
Hope the gig's ok tonight. Hope I don't hate it too much. Hope Katy's in a nice, tolerable mood- I mean I thought she was over the whole 'yes i'm pissed and i'm going to rant on about your sex life episode' but she's been giving me these looks. And she's been playing a little colder ever since. It's hard to look 'come hither' when knives are being stuck in your back. The things we do for money.
I feel like a shell. I've had a hugely emotionally draining day. It just when from one episode to another. I almost lost my friendship with Katy cos of Friday night. Thus I'm never drinking again. She came in accusing me of all kinds of things- none of which I could remember doing. I was just acting like a shit apparently. But that's ok. That's normal. She calmed down in the end when I convinced her it was just the vodka and I didn't mean anything I said.
Anyway, bed is singing to me- it's wants me. Bad.
Luv, Delly.
31st May
2nd June
I've called Kali twice now. Cos I think Katy will be ok with it. She was dropping these huge hints about not wanting to play anymore. I went along with it. I think she wants to move on too. Good. Cos Kali said she had things organised and that she'd been in bands before- she knew the ropes. I bloody hope so.
Delly.
It was raining...as usual. My hair was flat and horrible and I was feeling rather un-self confident as I stood in front of a shoddy Soho apartment building waiting for Delly to buzz me in.
"Kali - come up." she said hastily over the intercom.
I took a breath and descended up the stairs to the third floor.
"Second door on the right..." I mumbled to myself, checking the silver numbers nailed to the emerald green door frames.
I came across number three and knocked lightly, and in matter of seconds the door was flung open, Delly's smiling face behind it.
"Hey, you're a little early so um...y'know, make yourself at home if possible." she gestured to a mess of gig clothes and underwear.
I smiled and found a space on the retro looking shag carpet she had laid out in the sitting room, tucking my legs underneath me.
After a long silence as Delly shuffled around, stuffing clothes in bins and closets, I spoke up: "So, you said you needed to know stuff...you know, about being in a band..."
"Oh, yeah." she stopped to catch her breath, fly-away hair gently framing her face. "Well, I've never been in a proper one, you know, I've just done jazz- and it sounded like you had experience. I just dunno. Like, when you play gigs, how much pay do you get?"
I tried to look thoughtful. "Um...well, I mean, it depends."
With Starside, we made about 60 a night. And we had to split that between all of us.
"On what?" Delly went back to scurrying around the room, straightening up.
"Well, where you play, who you play for, how long you play..."
She nodded. I could tell this wasn't the exact answer she was looking for.
"And what aboung songwriting? Do we do it together, or sort of assign it?"
I screwed up my face. "Well we definitely don't assign it...I mean that makes it sound so technical, yknow? It just happens, I guess."
I kicked myself. "I guess", "I dunno"...I was doing a great convincing job here.
Delly nodded again, staring into space.
"Its just that, you know....all bands are...different. Like I don't even know you personally yet, so I dunno how we'll work together as far as songwriting and stuff goes..." I stuttered my way through a tangle of cliches.
"Yeah..I just don't know if I want to take a chance, you know? But then again, I need a change. I just don't know. It sounds so risky..." Delly slid on an old looking piano bench.
I sat on the floor and nodded, stupidly. I was blowing it. I hadn't done anything that would convince anyone to join a band, ever.
"Well, just think, if we don't do it we might regret it. I mean, we could be famous..you never know." I tried the optimistic/fate strategy.
Delly laughed, picking up a guitar and sitting down beside me.
"Here, play me something and I'll tell you if I think we're gonna suck or not." she handed me the wooden instrument, smiling.
I looked at her for a minute, trying to tell if she was really serious, and hoping against hope that if I played well, she'd decide to join the band right there. I was hyping myself up.
I took a deep breath, and strummed a few chords to a song I'd written called "Grey". I don't think I'll ever achieve the same vocal status I receieved that day on Delly's floor - my voice was riding on the words I'd written one night after fighting with Tim over his narrowminded views. That's where I had come up with the idea for the song - the chorus went:
"Why can't we all just see grey?
Why don't you throw all your caution away?
Just watch how the children play
To them its not black or white - it's grey."
When I finished, Delly clapped and smiled.
"That was really good....REALLY good..." she looked ecstatic. My heart was soaring, I couldnt wait for what she was going to say next...I was just waiting for the words, the words that would get me out of the hole I was in...
"But..." my heart sunk. "I still need to think about it..thats okay, right?"
I nodded, and faked a smile. I really was disappointed. I thought I had her...I started to doubt myself right then and there. If my music couldn't convince someone who actually was considering joining a band to join a band, what good was it to kids who have never even thought of joining a band before in their lives?
"Hey, would you like a cup of tea?" Delly asked, getting up and walking to the kitchen.
It was one of those moments I love when everything just stands still and catches it's breath for a while. She was sitting on my floor looking very little and scared, holding my guitar while I was perched over her on my old piano stool- probably scaring her shitless. But when she played you could feel it and that's what hit me.
We talked some more after that. Mainly introducing each other. She has this bizarre accent- she came here from New Jersey two years ago and she said she's 'floating over to the other side' with her words. Every few words are amazingly Yank and it sounds like some weird split personality thingy happening. And then she had the cheek to make fun of my 'oh so British' pronounciations. But she's very sweet and all that. Apparently she has songs lined up. Said something about her boyfriend being the inspiration. I didn't want to delve in very far with that- the song she played me on the floor sounded heavy enough. About not seeing things properly. Anyway, I said for her to come over in a few days once I have my head around everything- and to bring more material. She didn't sound keen on meeting up at her place. Somewhere in Camden. Living off her 'arty' boyfriend.
Anyway, it's late, my eyes are closing. I think I'll dye my hair some time. I'm feeling whimsical. It could just be that time of the month. Dark blonde is boring. It's time to go brown.
Delly...
I'm just sitting here by the phone hoping Adele will call me soon and tell me she wants to be in the band, though I don't think that's gonna happen...not yet, anyways. She did call me, however, to inform me that there's a gig tommorrow night which she'll be playing with her piano partner, Katy. I dunno about this Katy...seems dodgy. Adele didn't seem like she was pleased with her or something. But at any rate, I'm going to this gig tommorrow night just because. I haven't figured out a real reason yet.
Our little "audition" over at Adele's apartment yesterday was so rough...I had no idea what I was doing, I fumbled through a couple of the chords in "Grey", which put me off. But Adele really does seem cool, she laughed at my screwed up accent a few times. That's always a good sign. Apart from that, nothings really going on. Still hell bent on leaving Tim...I think he's cheating on me, and I'm not being paranoid or anything. The sad bit is, I just nonchalantly think he's cheating on me. Its not like I had the thought and got up and starting going through all his personal belongings to try to find clues, I just sort of made the assumption and accepted it. It's nice to know he's got someone else in line, I hope she's a bitchy little blonde bimbo type that will cheat on him right back. Ooh, that was nasty. Oh well.
I got a couple of new records yesterday, mostly old stuff. My particular favorite is a bootleg of the Clash from years ago, it was buried in the shelves and I had to grab it up before some other lucky punter did. When I got it home I realised that not only did the sleeve contain The Clash live in London, but an old worn out copy of "Help" on blue vinyl. I love having a productive day at the record shop.
Scientifically Yers - Kali
"You're in deep shit." Katy burst into our tiny shoebox room backstage.
"And hello to you, I'm fine- thanks for asking." I wasn't in the mood for this.
"Do you know what you've done? Do you have *any* idea? You've screwed up my relationship." She threw her bag onto a chair.
"I wouldn't call it a relationship. I'd call it some kind of whirlwind fling- and anyway- where do you get off accusing me of this?" I crossed my arms.
"It got back to him you know. All that crap you said on Friday night. Now he thinks I'm this slut he's leaving his mobile on voicemail."
"So call him at home Katy, he's probably not with his mobile every minute of every day." I swept some gloss over my lips.
"Don't you care?" Katy shoved me. "You can be such a heartless little bitch sometimes Adele!"
I spun around. "Only to you Katy cos I'm really fucking sick of hearing about all the various guys you pick up and how the current one is definatley 'the one' when you *know* it's not going to last more than a week. Perhaps if you slowed down for a second you wouldn't have this problem. And it's not like people don't know Katy. Your current shag would have found out sooner or later- I hate to break it to you, but it's better coming from me than some stranger at a party. You have to start treating yourself with some respect otherwise you just get used." Months of agony drifted off my sholders. "Look, we're on in a minute. See you out there." I left her standing in shock.
God I'm bitchy when I want to be. But it was coming. I think she could see it coming. That's probably the nastiest I've ever been to a person. It feels odd. Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes with an evil streak.
7pm clicked into place. Our regular time slot on weekdays. I wandered out to the mic and saw Katy storm out behind me. God she had better not fuck up. Kali was near the bar, like a little groupie. I smiled out to her as Katy began the intro to 'Dew Roses'. We plodded on from there. Each song like a permanent tattoo in my brain. Katy didn't allow for any improvisation or comfortable breaks. And so we went on mechanically.
Until the middle of 'Blue Baby'. I had such an awful feeling about this song. I cringed as the chorus stepped forward, 'Don't believe the rumours baby/ blue is not your colour'. Katy stopped playing. I turned around and saw her rush off stage. Fan-bloody-tastic. I freaked out and watched the audience watch me. Kali looked expectant and I indicated to the ageing juke box behind her. Thank God she understood and smashed in a couple of songs which started up, cutting through the silence. I ran off stage.
Katy was pulling on her jacket.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"Three guesses Adele. Go on. I'll tell you if you're right." She went for the door.
"You can't just leave like this! Not now-"
"Yes *now*. You can have your smug little songs, I'm sick of this place. I hate this job and these hours and the way everything is 'pretend'. I can't 'pretend' to play with feelings other than anger and hate. It makes me sick Adele." Katy spat at me.
"Well leave then, but I didn't mean it."
"Friday night, or what you said earlier?" Before I could annswer she slammed the door.
I stood for some minutes, my mind blank, just drinking in the silence. A knock on the door startled me. It opened.
"Hey." Kali poked her head around. "Katy just left. She looked like she was going to murder someone."
I nodded.
"You ok?" She closed the door behind her.
I shrugged, not knowing what to do with myself.
"Well..." Kali struggled to break the silence. "Do you think things will work out?"
I sighed. "I don't care. All the time I've known her, she's been like this. A spoilt little rich kid who can't get enough of a good thing. This isn't the first time her screwed up relationships have been the subject of an arguement. Yeah I said some crap that I shouldn't have but I'm past caring. It was going to come out sooner or later."
Kali nodded and smiled. "Well she sounds like a great friend."
"Yeah... bloody fantastic." I muttered. "Hey, thanks for the juke box thingy. I was scared you'd just leave me standing there."
Kali shrugged and smiled. "No problem."
My mind was racing on. "Look, if you want me, you can have me. I'll sing for you. Katy won't be coming back, I know her. This was a steady job too- our regular time slot; so I fear undemployment like you would not believe. I've been there and I don't need to go back. So you can have me."
Kali grinned like all her Christmases had come true. "Thank god. Now I can sleep at night."
"Yeah, soon as an income starts coming in, so will I. Hey- let's get a drink." I picked up my bag and opened the door.