Part 3

Radio 1 Interview Transcript _ Rukaland Rocking On Your Radio (or some stupid cliche title like that) appearing in the NME, May 15.

by Dottie McO'Callahan

Britian's premier indie band Rukaland look set to take over the country at any moment, if they could just get their act together. The following is a transcript of the bands appearance on Radio 1's Evening Session, and interview which is currently making waves in the music business.

DJ: So on tonight's Evening Session we've got Rukaland -

LC: I'm LC.

Red: I'm Red.

Kali: I'm LC.

Jess: I'm Jess.

Gaby: I'm Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabbb....

Jules: I'm the photographer.

DJ: Right, how are you all doing?

LC: Good, great, fine, super...

Kali: dooper.

DJ: Indeed. So it says here you guys have a new album out, which is called 6 Degrees of Having It Large...

Kali: 'avin it.

DJ: Excuse me?

Kali: "'avin' it" is the title of the record, not [adopts posh accent] Have-ing It.

DJ: I see. [A crash can be heard in the background]Wait, don't touch that...

Kali: I'm 'avin' it, see?

DJ: Yes, yes. Anyway, (whispering in the background: Jess: Kals, why is it everytime we're on something thats going public you turn into Liam Gallagher with feminine attributes?)are there any upcoming appearances we should warn the public about?

LC: Ha...warn the public. Joke...hahahahaha...

Red: Well, we'll be appearing on Top Of the Pops as well as Big Breakfast real soon, with a club tour to follow.

Kali: No, we'll be appearing on Top Of the Pops and Big Breakfast with a pub crawl to follow.

LC: (falls off chair in hysterical drunken laughter) That was a good one, Kals...pub crawls....hahahahahaha...

Jules: Yeah, and I'm the photographer.

DJ: Do you have anything you'd like to tell the public?

Jules: I'm the photographer.

Red: I'd like to say that we all need to love each other, and spread the love, and care for our brothers-

Kali: Blah blah blah...Look, all I've got to say is that if Kelly Jones is out there, he has to call me, because we never finished our dance at that hip little club we were at a while ago....and he's got the cutest bum so I'd really like for him to call me and-

LC: You want more than his bum...

DJ: So, you have a relationship with Kelly Jones of Welsh band the Stereophonics - is this what you're telling us?

Kali: [nods]

DJ: You need to speak into the mic to answer the question.

Kali: Oh..yes, I am a slut, and Kelly is my next victim.

DJ: Good answer.

Kali: Thank you.

LC: GABY IS DROOLING ON ME!!! GOOD GOD! GET IT OFF!!!

Kali: [shrieking]

Red: Excuse me, Mr. DJ Man...have you got any anti depressants for myself? Or perhaps some tranquilizers for the rest of them?

Jess: I'm not here.

Jules: I'm just the photographer.

(LC's bit) 'Tis a mere 6 months later and Rukaland are heavily into their club tour. After a massive response from their Radio 1 interview (which ended in girly shrieks, glitter and LC's 'accidental' falling ontop of Radio DJ with soon followed rumoured pregnancy which turned out to be her cycle mucking around) the group was asked to perform on numerous TV shows, do in-stores and add extra dates to their tour. They are ready to play their last night at a club in Wales, before doing something vaguely normal, like making a video clip.

LC plonked down on a bale of hay. "My head hurts, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm pre-menstrual, I'm bored, I feel sick and...." She sighed. "That's it."

"That's *it*?!?" Kali frowned. "Come on, that's only 6 complaints and you said earlier that you had 10 excuses why you can't sleep with a bloke. I need them cos this old guy at the bar keeps pestering me!"

Jess and Jules walked into the little backstage area.

"What's with the club designed as a Barn? There's hay everywhere. It's like, in places I never knew I had." Jess whinged.

"Yeah but it's their culture. Sheep and hay and stuff." Kali explained.

Jules took a few photo's of the hay while Jess tuned her bass.

"We're on soon." She said. "Have Red and Gaby finished their pre-show drinks?"

Just then, Red and Gaby tumbled in. Red sat down in some hay.

"Hey!" She said and giggled.

"What?" LC asked.

"You know- hey I'm in the hay!" Red turned to Gaby who giggled along with her.

"Do they really need to get pissed?" Kali sighed. "Can't we just play a nice normal gig?"

"You know, this hay reminds me of India." Red said as she brushed some off her paisley shirt. "I remember when-"

"Oh Christ, here we go." Jess said, still tuning her bass.

"Shut UP Bass girl, I'm reminiscing." Red adopted lotus position and inhaled. "Waaay back when I was travelling in India I came across a donkey. It was a little donkey and appeared to be lost. So I said 'hey little donkey, where art thou headed?' and the donkey said 'i have to find my farm' so I asked him where his farm was and he said it was up on the hills. And thus we walked to the hills, hand in hand, singing songs about nature and mother earth, and many of David Bowie's earlier hits. And then we came upon and little farm and the donkey said 'this is my farm. thank you' and he trotted inside to his wife and kids. I bade him goodbye and headed back to the village."

Everyone looked cautiously at Red.

"Dude, the donkey was married with a family?" LC asked, confused as hell.

Red looked up at her from her seated position. "Who the hell said anything about a donkey? I was trying to tell you the story about what happens when you shag another chic's husband, and you turn it into some kind of bestiality tale? Good God, what the fuck are you on?"

LC wanted to ask the same, but decided to ignore her mate's hazy flashbacks, as it was time to head onto the wooden stage.

Kali bounced on and waved to the crowd which consisted of elderly welsh men, young welsh yobs, some local welsh kids, a sheep and Kelly Jones.

"Hey guys- and Kelly." Kali swooned into her mic. "We're here to rock this place until it hurts!"

One person cheered. It was Gaby. And it was more like a shriek as she hit herself in the head with a drumstick. Nevertheless, the set started and they rocked away.

As LC warbled/screeched/swore/sighed/screamed into the mic, she noticed that the little kids at the front were trying to look up her skirt. Towards the end of one of the songs she attempted to kick one of the kids.

"Try that again mate, and I'll smash yer head in. Why don't you go and shag a sheep or summat?" She threatened.

The crowd booed dissaprovingly.

"Ah come on." LC brushed them off. "Yer Welsh. You love that kinda shit."

Apparently they didn't and the band launched into another song before anymore bottles were aimed at her head. Kali, who has a fear of glass, shiny things flying towards her, went and played the rest of the gig hiding behind Gaby's drumkit, on the floor.

Red had taken to playing in lotus position. Whether this was an attempt to get back to her spiritual side, or just so that she didn't fall over in a drunken, spliffy mess, no one could be too sure and they didn't care as it seemed to shut her up.

Jess had taken to swaying around with a bored look on her face. And making un-couth guestures to the camera whenever Jules popped up.

At the end of the set, the group buggered off, in order to avoid more abuse and in order to drive home by morning.

"I get to sleep in my own bed!" LC mused. "Shit, how boring. Better go and meet some lads fast."

"How's that Shag Collection of yours going anyway?" Jess asked.

"Well, I have Damon's shirt button, a lock of Mark Owen's hair- from what part of his body, I'm not permitted to say, and that Radio 1 DJ's headphones. Pretty pathetic but I saw Kelly Jones out there. Hmm..."

Kali wandered backstage with a huge grin on her face.

"Kelly Jones just said I play really well lying down behind a drumkit!" She exclaimed. "How exciting is that? Oh he's so beautiful..." She went of into a dreamy state. "We should stay for a drink you know, i wanna stay and chat to him."

LC got defensive. "Well, I'm sure I can convince him that I can play REALLY well lying down behind a drumkit- and I don't even own a guitar. I'm not the Slut of the band for nothing." She thought to herself and dashed towards the bar, leaving the band to pack up their instruments.

Kelly was heading towards the door when LC grabbed him.

"Hi Kelly. Huge fan. I'm LC. But you can call me Elsey cos it looks cuter in writing. Fancy a quick one?"

"er, a quick what?" he asked as he pulled on his jacket.

"A quick *one*. You know."

"Oh I've had enough to drink thanks." He smiled. "Great set though."

"Sorry? What?" LC shook her head. "I'm not talking about drinks. And was that a sexual reference?"

"Was what a sexual reference?" Kelly frowned.

LC got a blank look on her face. Things had just gotten very weird and confusing and she wasn't sure how to handle it.

"Um, you referred to my 'set' and I was wondering if- ah fuck it. Just gimme summat of yours."

"Like what?" He asked. "Anything. I really couldn't care. I need it for my shag collection. So it can look like we've shagged. i can't let myself down by letting you get away cos I have to leave soon, and judging by your IQ, it could take months to get a simple snog out of you so just empty your pockets please."

It was Kelly's turn to feel lost and confused. He stood there and out of frustration, LC emptied his pockets for him, not before having a good feel around.

"Ah, your guitar pick- can I have this? It would mean a lot."

"Sure whatever. Just don't take my car keys or my photo of my pet sheep. She's my baby." He grabbed the photo.

LC nodded and backed away. "Whatever Kelly. Seeya round one day."

"Yeah bye Elsey." Kelly smiled and left the Barn Club.

At this point LC had dashed out the back of the Club to find a tap to wash her hands as she had no idea where his jeans pockets could have been.

"Dude let's go." Jules nagged LC. "The car's loaded and we gotta drive home."

"I'm not washing until every last germ is off my hands." LC scrubbed.

"You're such a hypochondriac. Where have your hands been anyway?" Red asked.

"Don't ask." LC said.

Jess loaded the still swooning Kali, and Gaby in the back of their motherfucka 4-Wheel drive and jumped in next to Red. Jules, who was designated river, had enough of LC's neuroticism and hauled her in the car.

Once everyone was settled, Jules revved the engine.

"Right." She said. "As usual, the rules on a long journey remain the same. No fighting, no yelling, no singing Take That songs for an hour (various groans and whinging from Red and LC)('but it's part of the British heritage!' etc...), no more rambling's from Red and no drooling over the leather interior from Gaby ok?"

"Yes miss." Everyone chorused, and the car sped away to London where the group were going to embark on their first video clip.

(Kali's bit) Fifteen minutes later...

"Back for goooodddddddddddddd" LC & Red yelled in unison. (Sorry, guys, thats the only Take That song I know the words to - Kali)

"You guys, I heard that if you repeat the same two words over and over again, it will look like you know the words to any song. Pity I can't remember what the words are..." Kali mused.

"How about "chinese dipstick"?"asked Red.

"Dunno." Kali shrugged. "Let's try it."

"And after allll, you're my chinese dipstick-walllll..."

"SHUT UP!!" Jules shrieked. "I WILL turn this car around. Don't make me do it!"

"Chill, mate, just chill,right? We're just trying to have a bit of a laff, likesay." Kali replied.

Jules rolled her eyes and concentrated on the road.

"Maybe we should listen to the radio, to yknow...calm yer nerves, Julia." Red reached between the front seats and turned it on.

Radio Announcer Guy: "Hey Kids, welcome to Take That day on 101.5 The Buzzzzzz, all Take That, all the time!"

"Dont you guys think this Take That thing has been taken far enough?" Jess asked, annoyed.

LC and Red started another sing-song ('I Found Heaven') in the backseat, while Kali attempted to join in even though she only knows one Take That song.

"Chinese dipstick chinese dipstick, chineeeese dipstick...."

Gaby awoke from her coma and turned down the dial. "Hey guys, I was just thinking...maybe we should have a serious storyline going here...I mean the craziness is all well and good, but Kali and I have spent many late nights reading her printed-out copy of liawod (dodgy fanfic- don't ask), and we find it inspiring."

Kali nodded.

"Maybe we could have two stories going at once...like have this wacky story and then a serious one." LC suggested.

"Yeah, good idea, even though us Canadians never contribute and it would just be you and Kali and occasionaly Red writing the whole thing..." Jules added.

"Well, we'll have to have a chat about it." Kali concluded.

"Hey, would you look at that....we're here." Jules shut off the car and dove out the door.

"So where are we and what are we doing?" Gaby asked.

Kali shrugged. "I dunno..and I'm writing this part. I'd better check LC's bit from earlier and find out."

"We're filming our first video, you dink." Jess scoffed, and walked away with her nose in the air.

"Allllright, a video! So where's the four star hotel theyre putting us up in until the camera crews are ready for us?" Kali looked round.

"Well..." Red looked at three dilipadated tents on the edge of the field they were parked in the middle of.

"You have GOT to be kidding. Where are me and Kali gonna plug in our lighted mirrors and travel hair dryers??" LC began freaking out.

"Breathe, LC, breathe..."

"Well..." Kali sighed, looking around. "Get out yer Docs, girls, we're just gonna have to make do with this mucky mess they call a video shoot." Kali stared condescendingly at who she assumed was the director.

With that, the 5 girls trudged to the make up and wardrobe tents.

"So whats the concept anyway?" LC asked.

"Dunno" Jess shrugged. "Maybe its about 3 girls having to deal with living in a tent their 2 vain friends out in the middle of a mucky field."

"God, you are in SUCH a bad mood today, Jessypoo."

"I know...I'm sorry, I'm on the rag."

LC nodded in silence, understanding.

"Right girls, I'm Jaques Jean-Paul Batiste, I'm the director. Basically what the concept is is you guys playing in a field and generally having a good time - that means happy faces -and looking good - that means hot pants - and then we're gonna put you on this bus and tape you lip syncing or being happy or whatever on the bus. Then we're gonna bring in this rain machine and make it rain on yas, so be prepared to get a little wet...aside from that, everything else will be left up to the editors...I want some psychedelic effects done on the film. You'll like it." With that, he clapped his hands and exited the wardrobe tent.

"Well...sounds easy enough, we just act like knobs for twenty minutes and we're done." Red shrugged.

"Oh, I am so NOT wearing hotpants." Jess got up and started going through the clothing racks.

3 hours later....

"Alright, ladies! Let's see some action! Come on, out of the tent!"

The super group rukaland filed out of the wardrobe tent one by one, decked in pvc hotpants, leather, glitter, and cargos.

"I knew you'd pick the leather pants." LC examined Kali's outfit.

"Well I knew you'd pick the hotpants."

"Guys, doesn't it seem a bit like we're ripping off Oasis's "Go Let It Out" video?" Red asked, sitting on a bus seat as Jules drove slowly along as the cameras followed.

"Yeah, we are, because I couldn't think of a cool video concept and I have that song stuck in my head." Kali replied.

"Alright girls, quiet on the set! That means you, Kali!"

"Someone should make your fat arse be quiet on the bloody set you bloody bastard..." Kali mumbled, hanging out the door.

LC almost literally made love to the camera (Yewww.) as Gaby drew on the window.

"Yes, Gaby, yes! The people LOVE the bored look! Give it to me!"

"Wanker." Kali groaned.

Gaby smirked.

"Y'know, we're going so slow,I dont see why it makes a difference. We may as well either stop or start going backwards." Jess commented.

"I know, really,fuck this." Kali agreed, hopping off the bus and walking alongside with Noel II slung over her shoulder.

"OH, get a shot of that! Get a shot of those pants! Oh yes!"

"That man is too excited for his own good." Red mused.

2 film rolls full of Kali walking in leather pants, LC getting naughty for the camera, Gaby doing the "bored look", Red and Jess talking, and Jules driving later...

"Alright girls, great shoot! We'll do some more tommorrow, so for right now you can retire to your tents - we'll start at 5 AM, see you in the morning!" With that, the director waddled off to his private trailer.

"Yeah, whatever tubby." Kali said, flipping him off and climbing onto the bus. "Well, c'mon,dyou guys honestly wanna go to sleep tonight just so we can get up at 5 AM and see lard arse? Besides, Gaby's looking stroppy. We need to find a club."

Everyone nodded and climbed onto the bus, and after a few minutes of fighting over the backseat, they were off.

"So where exactly are we, anyway?" Jules asked, looking around.

LC shrugged. "Looks like ass-crack nowhere to me."

"Umm...Buckinghamshire. We're in Buckinghamshire." Jess replied, tossing down a map. "Who the fuck lives in Buckinghamshire."

"I dunno,but it seems as if there is a large social gathering going on to our left..." Kali peered out the window.

Jules made a quick turn and floored it up the driveway.

"A swinging shindig, indeed." Red said, surveying the shiny sports cars that surrounded their beat up vintage bus.

"Oh my god is that....it is! It's Damey-poo! And there's Crispians Krishna-mobile!" LC shrieked.

"Where?" Kali asked, climbing over LC.

"Well it's the only one with a thick cloud of permanent smoke coming out of the windows."

"Oh Daaaaaaaaamonnnnnn!" LC stumbled off the bus and ran after her object of affection.

"Well, let's go inside." Jess grabbed Gaby and the group, sans LC, wandered through the front door.

"Oh..my...god...It's Noel Gallgher, Alex James, and Kelly Jones all enjoying a casual chat together. I HAVE to be a part of this." Kali grabbed a beer and made a beeline for her men.

"Well if it isn't Thom Yorke...we meet again." Jess smirked, grabbing a bottle of brandy and heading to the corner.

Red was in the process of sniffing out Crispian. After following his trail through the kitchen and downstairs, she arrived in a room hideously decorated with genuine animal fur and cheesy fake American posters from the 70's.

"And that's how tantra works, mate. Ah, who areyou, my red haired child of the sun?" Crispian smiled warmly.

"I'm Red, and I'm looking for some hash."

"Well you've come to the right place. This is my new karmamatic friend Meg. Would you like to be our karmamatic friend, too, Maroon?"

"Actually, its Red..."

"Right." Crispy handed her a spliff. "Well Fuschia, you and Meg and I are going to take a little trip." With that, he reached into a sachet hanging around his neck and pulled out some candy dots. "Don't be afraid...the gods are waiting for us. Krishna is waiting."

"Yeah I know,hahahaha..." Kali looked around uneasily. Noel, Alex and Kelly had proved to be extremely unexciting - she was getting tired of hearing about the wonder that is the Pot Noodle.

"Hey, looov, fancy a shag?" someone crooned in her ear.

"Oi, Liam, get outta here, mate, she's my shag,alright? I was just gonna ask 'er that as soon as I got done talkin' about pot noodles with me new mates here." Noel gestured to Kelly and Alex, who nodded.

"Look bruv, I'm just as entitled to a shag with the chick in the leather pants as you are, yknow." Liam replied with a sneer.

"Yeh, well yer wife innit downstairs with Crispian Mills on acid, now is she? What are ye gunna do if she catches yer?" Noel raised an eyebrow.

Kali was clearly enjoying being fought over.

"Oh man, ye paid 'im to get 'er on a trip again? Ye fookin' wanker, that was my plan...ah fook it, bird in the leather pants, d'ye fancy a shag or wot? I've only got another twenty minutes before Pats finishes powdering her nose."

Kali looked at Noel, and back at Liam, who, for Kali's purposes in this story is still in the early sexy rock star days of Oasis.

"Y'know, I don't think I can wait til yer done discussing pot noodles....sorry, mate. But come to my tent out in the field later tonight and we'll see." With that, she sauntered upstairs with Liam in tow.

(LC's bit)Gaby stumbled past Jess and Thom, who were comparing cargo pants, and made a dash for the lav into which she began to throw up. From the dark recesses of her drunken mind, she noticed some sharp flashes and looked around. Jules stood, camera in hand.

"Keep spewing Gabs, I'm getting this really good light differentiation going. Is that even a word? Differentiation? Shit it's long innit? Anyway, can you maybe puke with yer head at an angle- yeah that's it- fantastic."

LC grabbed Damon as the Professional Widow remix by Tori Amos started up inside.

"I love this song, let's go inside and dance." And they hurried in.

"Honey bring it close to my lips yeah." LC sang along in a really pathetic way. She noticed that Damon's hands were finding their way into the pocket of her hotpants. Upon rummaging around ('it's gotta be big- honey bring it close to your lips yesss') he pulled out a little object.

"What's this?" He yelled above the music.

"Oh that's Kelly Jones's pick." LC nodded.

"What? His prick?"

"No! Pick!" LC called above the techno beat.

Kali, who had finished with Liam and was dancing next to them, post shagged, suddenly became defensive.

"You have Kelly Jones's prick?!?" She shrieked and shoved LC.

"No- I got his pick! Pick! See???" She waved it in Kali's face who began to snarl at her.

"You keep your hands off my man!" She told LC.

Liam looked proud. "Yeah- you keep yer 'ands off me right?"

"Not you." Kali said. "My other man. Kelly Jones."

"Dude, he's like, Welsh... he has a pet sheep." LC scoffed.

Kali didn't care. She refused to hear anything bad about her darling and continued dancing with Liam.

LC just shrugged at her friend's overeactive hormones and left. Her and Damon decided to go downstairs and get away from the noise and the people. They came across a really ugly room with 70's attire that would have been an insult to fashion, even then.

"Peace my children. Hark- I hear more disciples." Crispian said from his face-down position on the floor.

"Hey it's Crispian and Meg and Red totally freaking out!" LC giggled as she watched Meg wind her liptick up and down, up and down, and Red rock back and forth mumbling in Sanskrit or some cheap knock off. Actually, it was just a bad Indian accent that she picked up cos she was trying to do a Cockney one and it got out of hand.

"I have many wise word for you, mate." She babbled. "The Guru WishyWashy say you are right geezer."

"Is that right? Look Red, I don't really care. Do you know where there are any spare rooms in this place? Do we even know who's place it is?" LC asked.

"It is whoever's place you want it to be my child. It is yours if you feel it should be." Crispian mumbled.

"Should we perhaps roll him over seeing as he could suffocate?" Damon asked quietly.

"No! I must stay here." He gasped from the depths of the carpet. "Many wise feet have walked here and I am trying to absorb their journey's into my mind."

---------- LC's note to whoever updates next- prolly Kals, um am i the only one here who thinks this story is going nowhere? should we perhaps just like, start over and continue from the last one- like we live in that crazy house and we've released a Cd and everything's fine and dandy. cos that'd be so much easier. i mean we could do that and like, just not do any personal jokes and shit- ah fuck it, let's leave personal jokes in- no one's going to read it anyway. and if they do we can just clear it up. so let's continue on from last time. scrap this whole thing. unless you can think of a way to give this a kick up the arse- but i'm kinda missing my old room with the blue couch and the pole. and mel's tent in the living room etc....-----------