Part 2

(Red's Bit). We left off with the Supergroup Rukaland having a high speed chase. In a Landcruiser. In 1st gear (Jules was having trouble with the clutch). If they had been in 4th gear, they'd be going at high speeds. But they were going at a top speed of 14km/h. And they were chasing their lead singer LC, who had left with Mark Owen, of whom she is planning to shag...

"Hurry the fuck up!!" Screamed Red "I'm not letting her get her dirty paws on one so innocent, so pure, so...green."

"Red, she's just going to screw him, it's not as though she'll make him eat meat" Said Gaby.

(LC's bit) "Oh my god she might! She just might! The poor little vegetarian boy!" Red freaked. "Hurry up and find them!"

"I'm trying Red." Jules sighed as the car crawled along the highway. "Where did they go anyway?"

Red looked at Kali. "Well Kali saw them last."

"Er..." Kali twiddled her thumbs. "They snuck down a passage past the toilets and into another part of the club."

"They're still in the club?!?" Jules shrieked. She slammed on the brakes. "Quick guys- we gotta go back and find them- I need those photo's!"

Everyone scrambled out the car which had only crept along about 2 blocks, and dashed back to the club.

Meanwhile LC shoved a plate of food at Marky.

"Go on." She urged him. "It kinda tastes like chicken."

"Why is that?" Mark mused. "That everything always tends to 'taste like chicken'- I mean, generally speaking."

"Well I dunno, but in this case it actually *is* chicken. Go on, it won't hurt you."

"No I couldn't." Mark backed away into his seat at the ultra dodgy resturant. "I don't eat meat."

"Blimey. You have to eat yknow. What do I have to do to get some food down you eh?" LC sighed.

Mark got a cheeky look in his eye and grinned. "You know what you *could* do..."

LC looked bored. "Alright. But just once ok? I'm getting sick of you and your games."

"Alright just once. Hurry up then." He giggled as LC slipped under the table.

Kali and Red were grabbing people and asking them if they'd seen a girly looking hippy and a slut hurrying off together. No one had. However thay had come across some really sexy lads, waaay too many drinks and some old guy wanting a dance- much to Kali's disgust- 'doesn't he *know* who I am?'. Jess and Jules were frantically searching the club for clues- and found none.

"Oi look." Jess said, peering out a window. "Isn't that Mark Owen? I mean, I'm only a Canadian and have decent music taste so I was never into Take That and their rubbish, but that guy in the resturant across the road looks pretty girly and hippy-ish."

Jules peered out. "Yeah it is. Wow. I never knew they had windows in clubs."

"Of course they do, you dink. It the new thing." Jess shook her head and made some attempt at rounding up Red and Kali.

LC sat up. "Right. Now eat."

"Oh no I couldn't..." Mark groaned from his face-down position in his meal. "I'm too tired to eat. Let's go back to my place."

But it all sounded like a pathetic mumble from where LC was seated. She patted the poor boy on the shoulder and went back to her meal. Bored as she was, she began to stare out of the window when she noticed a camera flash and some giggling.

"Oh Lord." LC muttered and grabbed Mark. She cleaned him up and tried to slip out of the resturant without her mates seeing. She was glad she was of minor celebrity staure cos it meant she didn't have to pay the bill. As she was sneaking out she noticed that Mark wasn't wearing any pants.

"Oh God Mark. You're pathetic. I have to get you out of here before my mates find us and take photographic evidence. Look, I can see our car in the middle of the road there. See that South American girl asleep in the back? She's my mate and she'll drive us away." LC planned.

"Mmmm... I like South American girls..." Mark smiled.

"I'm suprised you like girls at all." LC said and checked for any on-coming traffic.

Red giggled. "Oh my God I just giggled. I never giggle, but look at this- she's gonna take a half naked Mark Owen across the road and into our car. What the hell does she think she's playing at?"

"We've got her right where we need her. These photo's are going to the Daily Mirror right away. Gotta keep those gossip columns going." Jules clicked away.

"Come on, let's all run to the car now and give her heaps of shit the whole way home for shagging some stupid wannabe pop-star." Kali said.

"Wannabe pop-star. I'll give you bloody 'wannabe pop-star' coming from you of all people." Red sneered. "I'll have you know, he was the BEST pop star ever. He did some great things. In the Do What U Like video clip, that was HIS BUM that you first see. No one elses- HIS. Hah! Robbie Williams King of Pop, my arse."

"Look, can we stop all this talk about bottoms and get moving?" Jess urged the bickering children. "They've just reached the car."

(kali's bit) Just then, the beginning of "Come Together" started playing. Kali looked up and saw a blur of glitter, sequins, and purple hair. "Oh my god!!" She shrieked, pointing and turning everyone's attention away from Mark and LC who were necking against a car. "It's SIMON STARDUST!!!"

Simon stopped and looked at Kali mysteriously before tossing away a lit cigarette and disappearing into an alley.

"Stardust?? Ziggy is back???" Red started hyperventalating.

"NO, you idiot, not Ziggy Stardust, Simon Stardust..only the dreamiest thing since....since....I don't know..." Kali sighed and rested her chin in her hands.

"Who the fook is Simon Stardust?" Jules asked, taking close up photos of Kali's drool.

"A rock star...a sexy rock star. He's like, bringing glam back into the mainstream." Jess explained.

Everyone nodded. Kali pulled out a mirror and started to reapply glitter while Red watched LC & Mark.

"You know, I think she' knows we're watching, and she's just doing this to wind us up."

"Good call." said Kali, walking outside & looking about for Simon.

"Kals, give it up." Jess sighed. "Let's go home."

Everyone pushed past LC & Mark & got into the car. Jules slammed her foot on the gas as LC tumbled to the ground.

"Oweee, my bumm!" LC whined, standing up and jumping in the car, leaving Mark to rot.

"So sad when pop stars are tossed away like yesterdays dirty dishes innit?" Kali sighed, looking strange and spaced-out.

"Dirty dishes....what the fuck....?" Red looked confused.

They drove back to the apartment generally w/out incident until Red jumped out the passenger side door, rolled onto the soggy lawn, and shouted "I'M TIRED OF IT BEING WINTER, LETS HAVE THE STORY TAKE PLACE IN THE SUMMERTIME FOREVER!" which was actually Kali's exact thought as she looked out the window from in front of the computer and noticed the yukiness of half melted snow covered in black car exhaust.

"Fair enough." Jess shrugged and trudged inside as tulips and happy little bunnies sprung out of the ground.

"She doesnt help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEE" Kali sang, skipping through the doorway while taking off various articles of clothing seeing as it was getting increasingly warm.

"Is it just me or does she turn more slutty when she listens to Blur?" LC asked.

The sun rose rapidly and pretty soon it was just the bloody heat of the afternoon. Red was wandering around in a paisley printed wrap while LC chewed ice cubes in the kitchen. "I'm bored." Jules moaned. "Why don't you guys do something interesting so I can take some more photos?"

Jess threw something at her and went back to watching reruns of The Big Breakfast.

Gaby drooled.

Kali skipped happily down the stairs carrying Noel II. "Guyssss, lets DO something!" she whined, looking around at the disheveled bunch.

"Bugger off." LC & Jess mumbled.

"I know!" Jules threw her hands in the air.

"What?? Cmon we gotta do somethinnn!" Kali bounced.

"Wait..no. WAIT! No. WAIT! I'VE GOT IT! You guys can climb up on the roof and do a free gig! Y'know, like..um...oh yeah, the Clash! C'mon! It'll be fun!" Jules & Kali bounced some more.

Everyone groaned.

"You're taking the fun....out of everything..." Kali batted her eyelashes & danced dramatically over to Jess.

"You're taking me up, when I don't want to go up anymore!" Jules ran up the stairs & slid down the banister.

"I'm um...just...watching it all?" Red looked up at Kali & Jules.

They nodded.

"There's no other way! There's no other way!" LC slid into the living room on her knees with her arms outstretched and joined in a dance routine with Red, Kali & Jules.

"Alllllllllllll..." Kali sang.

"Alllllllllllll..." Jules sang.

"Alllllllllllll..." Red sang.

"Alllllllllllll..." LC sang.

"Uhhhhhhhhhh...." Gaby dribbled.

"That you can do is watch them play. Now shut up and sit down, I'll not have this story turning into a broadway musical." Jess commanded, turning back to the TV.

(LC's bit) LC sat down on the couch feeling uncomfortable. "Dudes, this is so odd."

"What is?" Kali said skipping around.

"The story so far. I mean, I know it's supposed to be insane, but there should be at least *some* storyline happening. So far we're just looking like a bunch of bimbo's."

Kali twirled some hair around her finger. "Your problem being???"

"Anyway guys." Jess butted in. "We've kinda got to go to a meeting with our manager, to sort out which direction we want our crappy career to go in."

"Oh yeah." Said Red. "Marketing strategies. I say we make our own brand of underwear."

"And who's that going to help?" LC started. "I mean, a lot of us here don't even wear underwear." She looked over at Kali who was contemplating removing her bra.

*** AT EMI RECORDS- The group filed politely into the large and spacious office of their record company.

"Alright guys, sit down. We have some issues to discuss." Mr Record Guy told them.

They all plonked down.

"Now." Mr Record Guy tossed them a condescedning glance and pulled out some paper with statistics on it. "Sales of your first record have not been going as well as planned. As you can see on this graph of EMI signed bands, you have Blur racing up on top-"

"Just where I like it." LC whispered to Red, always the ones for innuendo.

"Where as Rukaland appear to be, well, sales are so low that you don't even feature on the graph. Something has to be done."

"And isn't that your job?" Kali asked.

"Yes. Which is why I'm going to give you each a list of appearances you are to do in the upcoming month. To boost sales."

Each of the girls got a piece of coffee-stained paper with their names on.

"As you can see" Mr Record Guy began. "You all have a few set appearances which you will all feature in. Those are Top of the Pops, The Big Breakfast and Radio 1. Or whatever the cool radio station is in this country. Then below that you each have your own appearances."

"Putting up posters of our CD all over London? Are you insane?" Red complained.

"Oh there is NO way I'm singing in day care centres for babies. I have standards you know. I'm supposed to be the one who sleeps around." LC told the dude.

"Mine's ok." Kali shrugged. "I get to hang around outside schools and con the youth of today into buying our Cd's."

"Ew... that sounds so paedophilic and icky." LC frowned. "Hey Jess and Gaby- what about you?"

Gaby squinted at her piece of paper. "I get to hang at the Groucho Club."

"WHAT? That's IT?" Everyone exploded.

"Girls, quiet." Mr Record Guy said. "Gaby is the face of the drunken community. Her job of being a drunk at a very popular club will mean that she'll be recognised throughout the celebrity world."

"But that's my job! And now I'm stuck with babies and mothers and all that boring stuff. I did not join a supergroup with hotpants and sparkly guitars just to sing nursery rhymes." LC pouted.

"Hey we all start out at the bottom." Record dude shrugged.

"Well I get to target overseas markets via the web and bomb their sites until they buy our product. This sux." Jess shrugged.

Everyone nodded, seeing images of Jess staying up all night on waaaaaaayyy too much coffee, typing manically.

"And of course Julia will be taking photo's so that one day, when you become popular, you can put them in a really crap biography and people can laugh." Mr Record Guy told them.

"Dude, I'm taking a stand. Surely you can hire people to do this." Red complained as she didn't feel like trekking around London pasting posters everywhere.

"We're short of staff. This is a new century. If you want to be in the business, you gotta do your share of work. In the mean time, I have more important things to deal with. Like Blur. They're a jolly good band. They don't need to do their share of work cos they sell Cd's. It's the price you have to pay."

"Well if it's like that, then I'm going to buy all of our CD's. Hanging outside of schools, my arse." Kali said.

"Sorry. You need a fan base. Which is why I have you targeting all markets: schoolkids, babies, mothers, celebrities and overseas populations."

LC sighed. "Can't you just get us to run around in our underwear or something? Surely that would get enough attention in all markets."

"Sorry. This business isn't that easy. It's hard work. If you do it right then you'll get into the next stages of pimping and drugs. But only if yer lucky. Anyway, you might as well bugger off now. I've got Blur coming in soon."

LC grinned at the thought of Damon and waltzed out with the rest of the group.

"And to think, all we wanted was to become famous and maybe play Glastonbury." Jess sulked.

"Hey, like I care. I get to be pissed all day." Gaby grinned.

"God, we've got to make contacts. There's no way I'm actually going to *work* to become famous." LC shook her head.

Red came up carrying a bunch of posters and glue. "Just cos I did art at school, I get to glue things. Why can't I be with Gaby?"

"At least you have light at the end of the tunnel. LC and I don't know how long we're going to have to make friends with our community." Kali said.

Jules snapped a pic of her pouting.

(Kali's bit) So the girls wandered off into the streets, Kali trying not to look like a pedophile (or prositute) while standing outside of a posh school next to Kensington Palace or summat, Red trying to keep wheat paste out of her hair on High Street, LC trying to keep baby vomit off her new synthetic leather boots, Jess manically typing in front of a computer in one of the record company's offices and Gaby doing what she does best, being a drunk in a tank top screen printed with the Rukaland logo.

"Hey there, kids, I'm Kali from this bluddy GREAT band called Rukaland, wanna free cd?" Kali heckled.

"Rukaland? What the fook kinda name is that? Sounds like where the teletubbies live to me, luv." Said some kid, while kicking Kali in the shin repeatedly.

"Fookin' hooligan!! I'll show you who lives in teletubby land!!" Kali threw down her free cds and began brawling on the grass with a 12 year old.

"Look, guys, frisbees!!" 25 6th graders picked up the free merchandise and ran happily to the park.

Meanwhile, at the Sunny Day Daycare Center...

"Old McDonald had farm, ee i ee i ooo....and on this farm he had some drugs, ee i ee i ooo..with a drug bust here, and a drug bust there....come on, everybody now!" LC was having a great time corrupting little children seeing as she was left unsupervised with them while the centers owners had gone off to get their nails done.

"Now, this song is about rock star types I've shagged. If you all want to take a field trip next week, maybe I can show you my shag collection. It goes like this:

There was a dude who shagged LC and Damon was his name-o,

D-A-M-O-N (x3)and Damon was his name-o...."

"Fuck!!!! I'VE FUCKING PUT THEM ALL UP UPSIDE DOWN AGAIN!" Red threw down her bucket of paste and large glue broom (or whatever those things are called) and kicked the wall.

"Excuse me, Miss? You're R..R...Red, from R...R..Rukaland, R..R..Right?" a strapping young lad asked shyly.

"Yeah, what the fuck is it to you?"

"Well, it'sjust that....I...r..r..really like you guys, and you're...youre my favorite, and I was just wondering if I could have...have...have your autograph?"

"Oh, yeah whatever, sure" Red scribbled something resembling her name and the guru symbol on a cd sleeve.

"Thanks....wow....hey, I just want you to know, I'd do anythingfor you.....you're....youre....youre a red headed goddess." With that, he turned and attempted to make a quick escape but ran into a postbox.

"Hey...wait a second. You'd do anything for me?"

"Well, yeah, I mean you're so great, I love you guys."

"Reeeeeeaaaaaaally..." Red stroked her chin. Strapping young lad nodded.

"Well in that case" Red picked up the glue broom and the rest of her posters and handed them to Strapping Young Lad. "Knock yourself out."

(LC's bit) "Er... I'm actually um..." The lad mumbled. "I'm allergic to glue. I'm sorry. Don't hurt me please."

Red watched as the lad's eyes began to water- out of fear, or allergies, she couldn't really tell.

"Fine." She said. "Just bugger off then. But make sure you tell everyone you know to buy our CD and turn up to gigs and mob us in the streets and stuff ok?"

The lad buggered off. Red realised she was in desperate need of a drink, and trotted off see Gaby at The Groucho down the road.

LC grabbed a bottle. "Why can't babies drink anything harder than orange juice?" She chucked the bottle back to the crying bub.

In the corner of the room, a little tyke was making a right mess by drawing all over the walls with some crayons. LC had a headache. It was 2pm. Way past her midday drink time, and way past the babies nap time.

"Alright dudes." She stood up. "I'm off. I'm sure you'll find ways to entertain yourselves while I'm gone. Don't burn the place down and don't answer the door to any strangers." And with that, LC skipped out, leaving a Day Care centre full of screaming babies.

Jess typed away manically. She'd located the Tampax Official site and decided to bomb it with info on the RukaLand CD. She typed a letter to the manager dude:
'Mr Tampax- My name is Jess and I'm a way cool bass player in a band called Rukaland. We rock. I'm aware that you're products allow young women (and some men) the ability to swim, ride horses, run, go rock climbing, travel into space and take over the world (how a few cm's of cotton wool can do that, I have no idea) but I hope you're aware that our product can do just the same. Our CD puts the same amount of confidence into a person, and is much more attractive than a stick of cotton. By just listening to our music, you'll believe that you too, can swim with sharks, even on a heavy flow day. We're better than Tampax. Buy us instead. Rukaland. We're very user friendly. Yours, Jess the Bass Player.'

Kali shoved the remaining Ruka Cd's in her bag and stormed off. Bloody snobby schoolkids. She couldn't believe that they were only interested in Classical music, and weren't allowed to play CD's in their rooms, and hey- what the hell was she doing in a private boarding school on the English moors anyway?

"I'm going to have to target the adolescent market. Try some school's on the East End." She saw a tired looking LC stumble into the Groucho down the road and ran to catch up with her.

Gaby awoke from a hazy dream about drums and dancing vodka bottles, to see a smiling Red chatting to her pint. LC and Kali plonked themselves down.

"Wha's goin' on?" Gaby slurred.

"Jess is the only one who has it easy." LC complained. "I have to look after screaming babies, Kali's been in a fight with a bunch of 12yr olds, and then kicked out of a boarding school and Red... why are you pissed already?"

"Me?" Red looked away from her pint. "Nah I'm just talking to my drink tha's allll.... Poster's suck. I'm not putting them up on street corners." Jules popped up out of no where with her camera, nd snapped a pic of the gloomy lot.

"Sales rising yet?" She asked.

"No. And Gabs doesn't seem to be attracting any attention." Kali sighed. "We need celebrity status. We need to be seen on the cover of Hello magazine. We should start hanging around rock stars."

"And be like, groupies?" LC asked.

"No, just getting our face into the public eye. Turn up to other people's gigs and claim them as our own." Kali explained.

"The public eye hmm?" LC pondered.

A while later, Red was drunkenly sticking poster's to the front doors, limo's, windows and bimbo girlfriends of various celebrities ('oi! bugger off, I'm meg matthews! get that glue off me! you're ruining my outfit!') while LC and Kali we hanging around dodgy schools in the East End.

"Hey mate." LC hissed to a lad. "You want something for the journey home?"

The lad cautiously walked over. "Like what?"

LC waved a paper bag at him and shoved it in his jacket pocket. "Take it." The lad nodded and ran off. Kali edged out from where she was hiding, stuffing Cd's into paper bags.

"Is it working?"

"So far. Keep stuffing. There's some more coming."

(Kali's bit) "So, LC, I've been thinking...none of us have gotten laid in a bit, and we haven't been invited to any spectacular parties. This is turning out to be quite lame, wouldnt you say so? I mean how can I uphold my pop star status..."

"Now, now, Kals, we can't just pop up into the music business overnight...it takes leg work, you know, effort..." LC explained.

"But LC, you don't do this "leg work" you speak of out here at a public school, you do it in strip joints in the red light district." Kali replied, twirling hair around her finger.

"Kals, not THAT kind of leg work. Look, we can't just become famous overnight."

"Take That did it, why can't we?"

"Well, just look where Take That ended up..."

"You're right." Kali nodded and went back to stuffing paper bags whislt humming to herself.

Jules sat alone in the shoddy room the group referred to as a kitchen, contemplating the meaning of life, and tofu, and other stuff. [interior monologue time] "...it's no wonder they're not selling any records. They're crap. If the sparkly one would just get over the bimbo thing, and the loud singing one too, and if the one with the year round tan would get off the alcohol, maybe they'd stand a chance...sigh...I just don't know what's become of the Spice Girls since Geri left. It just hasn't been the same. Hahaha. You thought I was talking about my friends, didn't you, Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms. Reader. No, I wasn't. But little do they know, I often zone out and ponder the career of the Spice Girls while they're all discussing important things like who to shag next and which party to crash. Yep."


Part 3