“Back away!” Security continued to yell.
“No!” LC shoved a chubby security guard. “Listen mate- I paid my money- I want to see Blur NOW!”
A mass of people behind LC cheered and raced forward. Kali stumbled along in the crowd. “Why do you think they came in on helicopter’s anyway?” She grabbed onto Red’s paisley shirt for support. “That’s a bit wanky innit?”
“Who cares?” Said Red. “They’re here.” She barged thru the young teeny-bopper people at the front. “Oi Damon!” She yelled. “Yeah you! Fancy a shag?”
Damon smiled from onstage. “Oh yeah sure.” He muttered into the mic.
“No seriously!” Red continued. “Here’s my number!” She threw a scrunched up piece of paper onto the stage. Damon kicked it away from him- over to Graham, who looked around and quickly picked it up with a cheeky grin on his face.
Red looked on in horror. “No! Graham no! That’s not my number! Yuck! It’s er… it belongs to….”
LC dived infront of Red. “It’s mine Graham-Baby! Call me!” She blew kisses. “Phew.” She said turning to Red. “For a moment then I thought you were going to have the first shag of the story and I mean- where would that leave me? I am the slutty lead singer after all.”
Blur launched into song and the crowd moshed. Kali moshed over to the side of the stage where Julia was taking photo’s. “Hey Jules! Do we have backstage passes?”
Julia shook her head. “Only I do. Cos I’m a photographer and I’m great.”
Kali’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “You?!? You’re the only one? The rest of us don’t get passes?”
Julia shook her head.
“Don’t they know who the fuck we are???” Kali shrieked.
Jules shrugged and continued to take photo’s of Damon.
“Why are you taking pics of them? You’re our photographer!”
“Yeah but LC’s paying me.” Jules grinned. “And now that I have this pass, she’ll be bankrupt when I’m done with Damon.”
Kali eyed the pass that hung around Julia’s neck.
“Flirt with the camera baby!” Julia yelled to Damon.
Kali was pissed off. She was the lead guitarist in a supergroup called Rukaland, after all. How much more famous can you get? Plus, they’d just released their debut CD and already sold 6 copies. To family members. Which shows how much support they had from their loved ones. Kali sighed and went back to moshing.
Jess and Gaby stood up the back.
“Man.” Gaby downed a Guinness in one gulp. “God it’s been a while since I’ve drank one of these.”
Jess eyed Gaby suspiciously. “It’s been half and hour Gabs. You drank and entire case on the way here. You dink.”
Gaby, the alcoholic drummer swayed a bit. “Yeah but, half and hour... Jesus- the thought of that is enough to dehydrate me- I’m buying more, you want another?”
Jess stared at her full pint. “I’m not finished this one yet.”
Gaby grabbed Jess’s drink and downed it. “And now you are. I’ll get more.” And she stumbled off.
Jess sighed and nodded along to Coffee and TV. She watched the wonder that is Alex James, groove away on his bass. Being a bass player herself, she knew how hard it was to look sexy and play at the same time. She admired Alex for his talent. He was God. She watched in a trance until Kali emerged from the crowd.
“Jess!”
“Mmm... bass players... dude- ah Kali. Hi.”
Kali grabbed Jess. “Jules has a backstage pass and we don’t!” She freaked.
Jess nodded. “Oh well.”
“Oh well? Oh bloody well?!? We’re rock stars Jess! We’ve just released our first CD! I’m famous goddammit! I want a pass!” Kali threw a tantrum. If there were any TV’s lying around she would have thrown them straight out of the window, but there were none of them either, seeing as it was an outdoor gig. She hyperventilated instead.
“Look dude, just calm down ok?” Jess- never the one for public displays of emotion; told Kali.
“But Jess! If we don’t get passes, you won’t meet Alex! And I won’t meet Damon! And then we’ll both be pissed off and miserable right?”
Jess saw some sort of reasoning behind this and decided to have a talk to security. She grabbed Kali and headed side-stage, ignoring Gaby who by this point had drowned in a pile of Guinness bottles near the drink’s tent.
As they scrambled forward, Jess wondered if she was in a decent position to ask for a backstage pass. Kali had and still was, acting like a madwoman, and LC & red were trying to scramble onstage and show Damon and Graham their boobs. Hardly ‘holier than thou’ rockstar behaviour one should think.
(Kali's bit) Kali smirked. She saw this as her perfect opportunity to start explaining just who the fookin' 'ell these chicks thought they were to the readers. Everyone at the Blur gig instantaenously froze as Kali stepped out of the fray all Barbara-Walters-business-like. "Way back in 1998..........."
(the phone rings- Jess scrambles to answer it) "Hello?"
"Hey Jess. It's LC. I was afraid to call...I don't know what time it is there..and your dad would bite my head off."
"Oh bugger off." Jess sighed.
"Yeah. Listen, me and Red are leaving this shithole tommorrow to come visit you and Jules in Canada, so prepare yourselves." LC warned.
"Okay." Jess hung up and went back to whatever it was her and Jules were up to. (cue imagination usage)
A week later, Kali's phone rang.
"Helloooooo? What? Who? ....argh, hang on, woman." Kali sat back and threw a shoe across the room at her stereo. "Sorry, LC. I was listening to the Stereophonics too loud again."
"You ditz. Anyway, we're coming to get you and we're all going to London. Me and you and Red and Jules and Jess and Gaby, that is." LC said.
"Wait a minute...what the FUCK are you doing, Kals?" Red stepped out of the frozen moshers and pushed Kali sideways. "That's not how it goes at all."
"Well then why don't you tell it?" Kali asked, rubbing her bruised arm.
"Because I can't. Alright?" Red said in a PMS-ing tone.
"Fair enough." Kali shrugged and the Blur gig turned back into...well...a blur gig.
"I am NOT a groupie!!! Do you have ANY idea who I am? Hmmm? Do you???" Kali stomped her feet and threw her hands up in the air.
"Don't mind her. Listen, my girlfriend is in there." Jess said, pointing backstage.
"Listen lady," said the security guard, "a lot of people's girlfriend's are in there."
"Kali, you are SO American, using quotes from the Wayne's World movie in your bit of the story." LC commented, then went back to harassing Damon and Graham for their underwear.
"Look, if you don't let us backstage I'll just have to...incite a riot. And I'm capable of doing that, me. I'm a bad-ass rock star, alright? Courtney Love has got nothing on me, Kali, from Rukaland. I mean god. Yknow what?" Kali asked, leaning towards one of the bouncers.
"What's that?" he asked, rolling his eyes.
"I stick my arms out the car window when we're driving. Yup. While the car is moving. I told you I was a bad-ass." Kali nodded in unconditional self appreciation.
Five minutes later she and Jess found themselves sitting outside a wooden fence on the side of the road in the middle of the English countryside.
"Well, at least its not snowing." Jess commented.
A gate opened and Kali looked up with hope in her eyes, only to meet a camera flash instead.
"Look at you two wankers, getting yourselves kicked out of a Blur gig. I mean Blur, for godsakes. You could have done better than that and gotten kicked out of Ricky Martin or something, but Blur? Come on." Jules quipped.
"Fuck off..." Kali sighed, looking very rock and roll as Jules snapped more pictures of her snarling.
Jess giggled. "I wonder if Red & LC got to Damon yet."
"More importantly...where's Gaby?" Kali said, suddenly looking away from Jules' camera and at Jess with worry on her face.
"Shit. I don't know." Jess confessed.
"I'll go check!" Jules said, hopping to her feet and running back through the gate.
"Hey! There's Jules! Jules! Jules! Guess what??? Damon touched my bum!" LC began skipping towards Jules who stood there motionless, like a deer caught in the headlights. Upon sighting the drunken Gaby, she bolted at the last minute. LC stood there looking very much abandoned.
"What did I say?" she wondered aloud.
Red jumped on her back. "Guess what!!" she shrieked.
"What?" LC asked, still looking puzzled over Jules.
"I got us invites to the after party!!!" Red shrieked again, jumping up and down while still holding onto LC's shoulders, making for a very joke-worthy situation.
"Reeeeally???" LC shrieked. There was just generally a lot of shrieking going on.
"So...where's this after party?" Kali asked, helping Jules and Jess to hold up Gaby outside the gates.
"Well, GRAHAM wrote the address down for me right here." Red began to lift her shirt as Jess, Jules, Kali, and even Gaby averted their eyes. "OH please. As if I'd let him do that. I had to tape it to my stomach so none of those little groupies would steal it, that's all." Red said, peeling off the duct taped note.
"Hmm..classy address." Kali said, nodding her head in admiration while adjusting Gaby.
"Yeah, so let's go already." Gaby moaned, startling Jess, Jules, and Kali, who dropped her. "God help you if I landed in cow shit..."
(2 hours later, in downtown London)
"Red, are you SURE he gave you the right address?" Kali asked, adjusting her sequin club dress.
"Yeah..." Red said, looking around at the empty street.
"Red, I think he just gave it to you to make you shut up." Gaby said, propping herself up against a postbox.
"No! It's not true!!!" Red screamed, pounding her head on a shop window.
"Well, we can always put laxatives in his pint the next time we go to an awards show..." LC tried to console her.
(LC's bit) "But why would little Graham do this to me?" Red moaned.
"Hmm..." Jess mused. "Let me see the address again." She studied the piece of paper. "Oh *dudes* it's not 79 Notting Hill Gate, it's 19- that's a one not a seven. God didn't you go to school?"
"Yeah..." Red nodded. "I was just shit at maths."
LC agreed. "Yeah. She was. So was I. We're dumb. But anyway- let's get going ok? Graham said he'd shag me. So did Damon. So all's going well."
A taxi pulled up at they all bundled in.
"You know, it always amuses me how we can fit like, 6 people into a taxi the size of a shoebox." Kali said from her position under the passenger seat.
"Could someone get Gaby off me? She's dribbling and muttering in Spanish again." Red shoved Gaby.
"Oh let her." LC said. "It's her culture."
"To dribble?" Red asked.
Jules snapped away at the drunken Gaby.
"STOP!!!" LC screamed at the taxi driver.
"Wot? I was gonna stop right 'ere luv. Don't get ya knickers in a twist." He quipped.
Jess sighed. "She's probably not wearing any." And shoved everyone out of the taxi. Without paying. Like in the movies.
They all stood around the stately home in Notting Hill. Music was blaring into the street and the sound of laughter and champagne bottles filled the air.
"I wonder why Damon's holding the after party at his place and not some pub. Ah well, we're rock stars, let's go." Kali yanked LC towards the door.
The security guard gave them a look. "Eh. Wot you lasses want?"
"To get in mate." Kali began.
"Ah'm not too sure abou' tha' cos this is invites only ya noo." He gave them a menacing look.
LC stepped forward. "That's ok Mr Scottish Security Man, cos we have one, see?" She thrust the piece of paper into his face.
"Hoo am ah ta noo ya didn't write this?" He asked.
"Because." LC said. "We just didn't. Graham Coxon wrote it for us. he knows us. We're mates. Damon too. We're all really close mates. Like cousins. But not really cos yknow, that might end up like, incest. But we know them. So let us in."
Security Man shook his head.
"But we're famous!" Kali yelled.
"Are ya?" Security asked.
"Yes." Kali sighed.
"Oh right weel, sorry abou' tha'- in ya goo." And he let the group in. Jules snapped a picture of the guard for fun.
Gaby stood in the hallway sniffing around until she located the alcoholic vapour and made a beeline towards the drinks. Jess and Jules went off to mingle with various press people to try and create links and credibility and turn their shit-house success into something more large scale. Red spied a neglected spliff sitting on a coffee table and made herself at home while Kali and LC went off to search for Damon and Graham.
"I thought Red wanted to shag Damon." Kali said.
"Yeah when she's ready. Leave her be." LC shrugged and pushed through the crowds of people.
"There!" Kali whacked LC and pointed. "There- over there!"
LC looked. "It's Alex James. With Jess staring in awe. So what?"
"He's mine." Kali grinned and rushed off.
LC watched her shove past Jess and hug Alex until he couldn't breathe.
"Why hello there." Said a voice behind LC.
She spun around. "Damon! Hi!"
"You made it then." He said.
"Indeed we did. As if we'd ever miss a party." LC giggled and tried to look natural. (good god)
"Have you had a drink yet?" Damon asked.
"No."
"Ah well, let's get you one." He suggested.
"Sure." LC pinched his bum. "Let's go. Mind you, I don't need to get pissed to shag you."
"You don't?" Damon put his drink down. "Right then. So um..." "Look mate, let's cut the small talk. I'm a slutty lead singer in a band. It's my job to act like this. Take me now, baby." [Good god. - Kali]
Red noticed LC dragging Damon upstairs. Bugger. Now what would she do for the rest of the night? The spliff was gone and she was feeling chatty. But all those press people...
"Umm... hi."
Red looked over to the person who plonked down next to her on the couch.
"Oh God." She muttered.
"Saw you at the gig and all. Yknow."
"That's nice Graham." Red nodded and edged away.
"Got yer number..."
"No! No you don't." Red started. "It's not mine. It's not. It's that other chic's who's gone off with Damon."
"Oh right..." Graham looked hurt. "Well... I like your um... your shirt- it's very paisley."
"Yeah great." Red nodded. She was dying. Why wouldn't he just piss off?
"And your skirt is nice too." He reached out. "It feels so soft and-"
There was a shriek and some cheering. Red looked up to see a drunken Gaby ontop of a table attempting to take of her shirt. Jules was taking pics.
"Shit- that's my mate. Gotta go and rescue her." She jumped up and dashed over to Gaby.
(Kali's little bit) Kali made Alex hold her brandy and began to clap as Gaby continued her table-top revue. Red ran over and attempted to hide in the reflected light bouncing off Kali's dress as Graham looked around desperately for something to keep him from having a panic attack. He picked up a fashion mag and sat back on the couch, turning the pages with shaking hands and occasionally looking around him in a paranoid type of way.
"Turn the page, wash your hands, turn the page, wash your hands..." he mumbled as Gaby tumbled off the table and into Red's arms.
"Wooooooooohhhhh!" Gaby squealed, giggling like a madwoman.
"Gabs, compose yerself! Do you want us all to look like complete wanks in the press tommorrow?" Red said, covering her eyes to avoide Jules' camera flashes.
"Innit that the point of being a rock star?" Gaby slurred, raising her pint with a weak arm.
"Yeah, I mean I thought the whole point of being a rock star was to get completely pissed, shag someone really sexy..." Kali pinched Alex's bum "and then get it all told about and blown completely out of its already extreme proportions the next day on the cover of the Daily Mirror!" Kali chimed in.
"Well actually I think the whole purpose of being a rock star like myself is to gain the necessary attributes needed to study the planets as extensively as I have. Nothing beats having an entire Isaac Asmivov (sp?) library in Russian, Italian, and of course, French, just waiting for you on the tour bus. I find it invigorating. And did you know that Mars...." Alex rambled as Kali grew visibly impatient.
"Wild thing I think I loooooooove youuuuu" Jess sang at the top of her voice from the opposite side of the room. Someone unidentifiable at the moment was sitting at Damon's piano, banging out a tune that had no completementary value to Jess's singing at all.
LC weaved her way down the stairs looking rather discontent, as a more-scruffy-than-usual looking Damon followed after.
"I can't BELIEVE this!" LC shrieked.
"uh oh." Kali and Red looked at each other. Gaby cocked an eyebrow even though her eyes had rolled back into her head.
"YOU MAKE MY HEAR....." Jess's voice trailed off and the pianist stopped playing.
Everyone stopped and stared at LC and Damon. Jules continued snapping pictures.
"WILL YOU PUT THAT THING AWAY???" LC screamed, and stomped out of the room, pushing the scottish Security Man out of her way.
Someone coughed from the couch-area. The shuffle of clothing could be heard as everyone turned to look at Graham, sitting sheepishly between two pillows.
"Err...wot? I'm sorry..." Graham attempted to excuse himself.
Gaby moaned. "Ugh.." Red picked up the drunken slob and dragged her rather un-gently out the door.
"Bye..." Jess waved to her piano playing pal & walked out the door with her head down. Jules followed, her camera ceasing to click.
Graham sat on the couch having some kind of epileptic fit triggered by the sudden huge amount of social attention...but no one noticed.
"GOD daaaaaaaammittttt!!" Kali cried, stomping her feet. "Just when I'm about to lay Alex fucking James." She stomped her way out the door, making sure to take a few bottles of guinness on her way out.
(LC's bit) On the way back to the Rukaland household (a derelict apartment or two desribed as 'risky' by the council- a warning completely ignored by the band when they barged in) everyone had a go at trying to clam down and comfort the sobbing Kali.
"I mean-" She sobbed. "I only wanted one little shag! And he was so nice and clever and funny and tall and-"
"It's ok Kali, there'll be heaps of other guys falling over you- just you wait. You are a rock-star after all." Jess told her.
"Oh yeah!" She brightened. "Well then that's ok then."
LC grinned at she looked at the item in her hand.
"What's that?" Red inquired.
"Oh you know... just Damon's *shirt button*!!!" She squealed. And then realising she never squeals, she calmed down. "Yknow. That's all."
"Are you starting some sort of collection?" Jess asked.
"Yeah. A Shag Collection. Just you wait. Bits and pieces of past shags." She smiled.
Everyone sighed at her sluttiness and ignored her the rest of the journey home.
The next morning, LC and Red who shared a room, were woken to Kali screaming. "Oh my bloody God!" Came floating towards their room. They both rolled out of bed, pissed off that it was only 9:30am and stumbled downstairs.
"Wot Kali?" LC mumbled.
"Look! Look! We're in The Sun!" She thrust the paper at LC.
"Where?" Red asked, peering out the window. "I don't see us."
"Not *that* sun you knob. The newspaper." Kali told Red.
LC sunk into a chair. "Oh... my.... God...." She whispered. "They called me Damon Albarn's Groupie Shag and said that Gaby 'stole the limelight in her rendition of the orgy scene in Velvet Goldmine, whilst still managing to hold her pint of lager.' Oh my God guys. Look at these pictures- i look completely shagged out in this one- oh yeah, I was. Red! Graham said you had great boobs. And a nice shirt." She looked up. "Do you have any idea of what this has done to us? We all look like cheap sluts. Do you know what this will do to our CD sales?"
Kali gasped. "Oh my god LC.... we're... we're gonna be rich!"
The two girls jumped up and down and cheered and cried and just generally acted annoying, while Red stared at her profile in the broken mirror by the front door. "He said I have nice boobs? How sweet."
Jess and Jules waltzed in demanding to know what the noise was for. After they had had it explained, Jess was disappionted. She wasn't a slut. She was a bass player.
"Dudes!" She cried. "I hold a respectable job. I play the bass. I refuse to have a carreer that's based on sex, alcohol, getting your face in the paper and being obnoxious. My music is an art."
Everyone looked at Jess like she was insane, and burst out laughing.
(Kali's bit) "Well, I guess there's one in every band, right? Like, there's Graham in Blur, and...and Graham in Blur...and oh yeah, all of Radiohead. But I suppose that doesn't really count does it? So we've got Graham in Blur..." Kali began to slowly count on her fingers as everyone else went back to ignoring her.
"So, what kind of fucked up mischief should we get ourselves into today?" Jules asked, looking around at the semi-down-trodden group.
"I know!" shouted LC. "Let's..um...what is there that we haven't done in London yet?" LC looked around, puzzled. Her eyes fell upon a brochure for the London Zoo. "...guys..." a grin spread across her face as everyone rushed over to see what she was looking at.
"I am SO NOT going to the zoo." Jess said, confidently.
"You are SO going to the zoo, Jessy-poo. Hey, that rhymed." Kali drifted back into her own little world of glitter and rainbows and other pretty things.
"Well, I'm in!" Jules said, holding up her camera. "I figure I can break into the African Safari exhibit and get some really groovy naturalistic animal photos for my portfolio."
"But Jules, you already have photos of Gaby dancing on tables, Kali drooling on Alex, and LC er...tumbling Damon's laundry, so to speak. Isn't that enough animal behaviour for your portfolio?" Jess asked, raising her head slightly higher.
"I guess we shouldnt tell Jess about the time she got horribly drunk down at the Groucho, then..." Red said, while everyone giggled.
Jess looked around paranoidly. "What??"
"Nothing. So let's get on to the zoo, shall we?" Kali said, clapping her hands and runnig upstairs to find the perfect animal-printed top to go with her zoo excursion. "Zebra, or leopard??" she yelled down the stairs, as the clanking sounds of hangers hitting the floor could be heard.
Everyone departed quickly, leaving LC and Jess alone in the kitchen. Jess stood there with her mouth hanging open, a "what did I do??" look on her face. LC burst out laughing and ran upstairs with the others.
"I demand to know what I did!!" Jess stomped up the stairs after them.
A few hours and a dozen animal-printed tank tops later...
"I'm ready!" Kali squeaked, hopping down the stairs.
"Yeah, we have been for the past hour, Kals." Gaby mumbled, taking a swig of her vodka-disguised-as-spring-water.
"Gabs, do you really think it's necessary to take an entire backpack of water bottles with you to the zoo? I mean I know it's a bit hot and such, and it is great to see you drinking something other than alcohol, but still..." LC showed concern.
Jules smirked. After all, she was the one who came up with the idea of using a funnel to fill the bottles so so much voddy wouldn't be wasted.
Jules picked up her keys. Not only was she photographer, she was also chauffeur. Not by choice, of course.
"Jules I just love your car. I really do. It's just such a..." Kali rambled on.
"Who let her have pop rocks this morning?" Jess asked, moving away from her.
"Do they have water bison?" Red asked, grabbing the brochure from Gaby, who pulled another water bottle out of her bag.
"What the fuck are water bison?" LC asked, grabbing the brochure from Red.
"They're yknow...water bison." Red said, attempting to make a descriptive hand gesture, and slapping Jess in the eye in the process.
"Ow." Jess put a hand over her eye and slumped back into the seat. Jules made faces at her in the rearview mirror.
"I can hardly see you, you twat, thanks to Red I only have one eye and my contact fell out of the other one on impact." Jess informed.
Everyone shut up and stared at their shoes.
"Sorry." Jess mumbled.
"PMS." Gaby whispered, making cat scratching gestures.
"Alright! We're here!" Kali dove out of the car before Jules had a chance to park properly.
"So what the hell do they have here, anyway?" Jess asked, holding her eye. Jules offered her a cane, but Jess refused.
"Well, they have...An astonishing array of tropical birds, fish, and wildlife in the rainforest section. And in the safari section, there's a real live elephant and elephant shaped cookies for the kiddies. And over there in the North American Wildlife area..." LC looked up from her brochure and realised she was all alone, save for a drunken Gaby who was handing out small containers of Red's tofu to children.
"What?" Gaby looked up at LC, who was staring at her. "If Red made us eat her leftovers for dinner one more time, I was going to kill myself."
LC shook her head and went back to her map.
"And I can't BELIEVE they don't sell contact lenses at the gift shop!" Jess shouted, as Jules led her out of a hut w/ the words "gift shop" painted on it in African style letters. "This zoo SUCKS!" Jess yelled, as a thousand small children ran away to their mothers crying.
"Now Jess, just calm down and enjoy the beauty of nature, no matter how fuzzy your vison may be." Jules said in a soothing voice, just as they came upon the gorilla enclosure.
"Why is that one moving so fast?" Jess asked, squinting.
"Um..no reason..let's go see the uh...penguins!" Jules said, leading Jess away from the educational mating ritual of the silverback gorilla.
"You know what I mean?" Kali asked Red, who was looking through binoculars at a herd of water bison.
"Oh yeah I know. And he was so not good too. I mean he was alright as a doctor, but a policeman? I mean, come on!" Red said, squinting as Kali peered back at her from under designer sunglasses. Red looked confused. "Since when didyou become so high-maintenance?"
"I'm high maintenance?" Kali asked, eating a spoonful of her vanilla ice cream w/ rainbow sprinkles.
"Yeah." Red nodded, shielding her eyes.
Kali shrugged.
"Give me the cherry from that, Kals." Red said, as they continued walking down the path.
LC sighed. She had no idea where anyone was, and the monkey exhibit was closed until after tea. What was she supposed to do for the next half hour?
"I know, I'll go watch them clean the elephant shit. That should be a laugh." LC arrived at the elephant pen just as one of the workers fell face first into a huge pile of...well, elephant crap. "Ha ha ha..."
"So then, the mommy gorilla and the daddy gorilla..." Gaby was sat in front of the gorilla pen, explaining the miracle of life to a group of five year olds that had taken a liking to Red's tofu.
"Gaby, gimme some of yer water, will ya?" Jess stood next to Gaby as all the children fled.
"That's the lady with the eye!!" they screamed, running into the distance.
"I can't give you my water." Gaby replied, staring at Jess's red eye.
"Why not?"
"Because I can't."
"Look, Gabs, I just want to rinse my eye out, it's got monkey piss in it." Jess mumbled.
"Monkey piss?? How did you manage tha-...well nevermind. I can't let you do that, Jess." Gabs replied.
"Well thats just tough shit." Jules and Gaby cringed as Jess poured some of Gaby's water onto her open eye.
"Did you just hear that?" Kali stopped in the middle of the path, causing a mother with a pram to barely avoid collison.
"Hear what?" Red asked, stopping.
"I could have sworn I just heard the primitive scream of our little Jessy-poo. But I guess not. Anyway, as I was saying..." Kali and Red continued walking.
"That's it, we are going HOME!" Jess shouted, tripping over a shrubbery on her way to what she thought was the main gate. Jules ran over and redirected her.
"Jess, I don't think it's very wise to go all the way home to Canada over an eye-ful of vodka." Gaby said, getting up and following them.
"SHUT UP!!!" Jess screeched, stumbling towards the car.
"I'll get the others!" Gaby said, as if she was doing something helpful.
Kali stopped again, causing a 12 pram pile-up on the pathway. "Did that announcer guy just say 'will the super-group rukaland please report to the main gate as soon as possible"?"
"I guess so." Red shrugged, turning around and walking towards the main gate.
LC ran over to Gaby. "What's going on?"
"Oh, nothing. Jess just had a fit so we're all going home. I dont want to go back to Venezuela. I really don't. But apparently Jess thinks its for the best."
"Gabs, what happened to all your water bottles? Don't tell me you drank it all already."
Gaby started laughing. "Nope." She pointed over to the rhinoceros pen.
Three of them were wallowing in the water hole, while the other two were laying on the rocks, passed out, drooling, and mumbling in spanish.
LC shook her head and walked to the car with Gaby.
"Hey guys. Are we leaving?" Kali asked, and was promptly thrown into the backseat by Gaby. (LC's bit) "Too bloody right we are!" Jess exploded. "And fast. The manager of the zoo is after us- they want to sue for the corruption of their animals."
Jules floored it and they zoomed out of the zoo.
"This is a really great car Jules." LC said. "It's a big mother-fucker Land Cruiser with leather interior. And it's gold. I love gold cars. Oh and look, it has a CD player and all."
"Bloody hell LC." Jules said. "I think we can all see that for ourselves."
"Yeah but I'm just trying to set it up for the readers." LC quipped.
"Yuk!" Kali called from the back. "Gaby's drooling again! And she smells like a pub."
"Yknow what... that's a good idea." Red mused. "Let's go to a pub- no! Let's go clubbing as I do believe we haven't done that yet."
"Are you sure we should have a late night? We have a meeting with our manager tomorrow on how to boost CD sales. I really don't think-" Jess rambled.
"Look Jessy mate," LC patted her shoulder. "Calm down ok? It's just clubbing."
And they zoomed home to get changed into clubbing gear.
"Good God!" Red exploded as Gaby appeared in a mini skirt and a boob tube. "Where are your clothes?"
"I'm wearing them." She twirled around.
"You are *not*!" Red freaked out from beneath her paisley pants, woollen jumper, jacket, scarf, Docs and raincoat. "The youth of today. You look like something out of a Ricky Martin video clip!"
"Yeah well, that was kind of my aim. I love Rrrricky so much!" Gaby rolled her 'r's. "I *demand* that you go and put on some clothes NOW! In my day, we weren't even allowed to have our ankles showing. In MY day we respected our bodies, we didn't go outside and sell them off to those horrible males of today who only care about sex, sex, sex. Why IN MY DAY we didn't even *have* clubs! We sat around and played the piano. Now go upstairs and get a jumper, or you'll catch your death of cold. And when you do- don't expect me to care!" Red screamed at Gaby who stood there, hanging her head.
LC tripped down the stairs in an airy fashion, coming to see what all the noise was about.
"Yo dudes, what's all the noise for?"
"Oh not you as well..." Red sighed.
"What? What?" LC was confused. "My outfit?"
Red nodded. "Hotpants and fuck-me boots? You look like a hooker!"
"Oh screw you. Come on Gaby. We don't need to be lectured on what to wear. Especially but some ageing hippy." LC and Gaby went upstairs to force Kali to hurry up with her choice in dresses 'the blue sparkly one or the pink sparkly one?' and to get Jess and Jules to move their butts.
"You know," Jess said as they all tumbled in the car. "I don't even wear contact lenses." She fixed her glasses.
"Right. Off we go then. And I want you to all behave yourselves. The Ministry is a big club. There'll be lot's of people there. I have a camera and 572 rolls of film. So watch it ok?" Jules lectured.
"Ooh! Yes mommy." Kali sneered. LC giggled.
"Grow up you two. Please don't act like bratty kids." Jules sighed.
"Yes mother." LC smiled sweetly and went back to her game of waving to passing cars.
LATER-
"Dude! This place rocks!" Gaby yelled above the noise.
"I can feel the sounds pulsing thru me! Yeah baby!" She danced a few moves.
"Gaby sit down!" Jules shrieked.
"Yeah mate. You'll make us have an accident." Jess whacked her. LC ripped Gaby's walkman off her.
"Oi!" Gaby yelped.
"No Gabs. No more walkman in the car. You're uncontrollable on it. Now just sit down and wait a few more mins ok?" LC soothed the hyperactive Gaby.
EVEN LATER-
"Dude this place rocks!" Gaby yelled above the noise. "This is more like it!"
Everyone watched as Gaby danced thru the crowd and over to the bar.
"She's like a fucking homing pigeon." Red said. "She can just like... sense the alcohol. Like a magnet." "Alright guys!" Kali said bouncing (she was wearing her good bra, thank god) and sending a huge cloud of glitter into the atmosphere. "I'm gonna find some really yummy lads. Anyone coming?"
"Yeah ok!" Red bounced too (unfortunately she wasn't wearing a bra at all but cos of all the clothing you couldn't tell). "LC you coming? Jess, Jules?"
Jess and Jules seemed to be happy mingling with the clubbers and drinking exotic drinks. "LC?" Red asked.
LC appeared to be in shock. She stood in her hotpants and boots and skimpy top just kind of... staring. She began to drool. "Oh Lord. Oh happy day." She sighed.
Kali poked LC who didn't move. "Red she's freaking me out."
Red followed her line of gaze. "Oh my god. OK Kali we have two choices. We can either leave LC to her own devices and go and check out the lads, or we can risk our eyes getting clawed out as we try to fight her for who she's just seen. Personally, I value my life and feel that option number one is safest for both of us. Let's move away from the scene about to happen ok? It could get nasty." Red yanked Kali away and into the crowd.
LC tried to breathe evenly. She was a calm, cool and collected person. She was fine. She was stable. She couldn't move. She couldn't see straight. Think calm. It's just your hormones. You're just in a mood. Get over it.
She casually strolled up to the young lad who was half dancing to the music, holding a brightly coloured cocktail and wearing some pseudo-hippy shirt over leather pants (don't ask).
"Hi there darling." LC, ever the one for opening lines, purred casually.
"Hello." He said.
"Look, I'm going to get to the point ok?" She crossed her arms.
The lad nodded.
"I'm LC. Lead singer in a band called RukaLand. I'm supposed to be slutty. I'm also supposed to be very shaggable. Right?"
The lad eyed her up and down. "Oh yes.... very rightly so."
"So, the bottom line is- fancy a shag?" LC asked and casually stepped closer, playing with the dude's hair.
"Um, well... er... ok. Yeah- sure. Let's, um... let's go then." And he grabbed her hand and dragged her off.
Kali looked over Kelly Jones' shoulder as she grooved away to the beats. "Hey Red!" She called to Red who was Indian dancing a few feet away. "LC's gone of with that lad!"
Red stopped dancing. "She what?!? She's going to shag Mark Owen?! The cow! Quick Kali-" She yanked Kali off Kelly and away. "We gotta tell Jules to get her camera ready. Which way did they go? We'll have to give her directions."
"Oh wow!" Kai jumped sending off more glitter. "Like a mystery movie where they're trying to follow the villain thru all these alley ways and corridors and shit without being seen. Yay!"