"I hear the sound of drums..." Crispy crooned quietly. LC curled up in a ball under one of the um... what are they called? monoliths? Oh well, one of the big rocks. "I hear the sound of-hey, I found your knickers!" Crispy ran back to the safety rock triumphantly. LC snatched them from him and began to pout. "Oh, hush, hush, it's early in the morning. You've gotta believe me, honey, it'll be okay." Crispy whispered. LC continued pouting. Crispy handed over a spliff & patted LC's head. When she looked again he was gone. All she could hear was the sound of sitars and drums in the distance. LC smiled as she saw a glowing blue and pink light growing further and further away in the rain and sucked on her spliff.
Kali fell asleep, confident that everything was okay.
Jess and Molko, meanwhile, were downstairs in the kitchen. Jess looked at the assorted hair dye accessories spread on the counter and at Molko, who was staring at her pathetically with a plastic bag over his head. "Well I'm glad you woke me up, actually" Jess said. "'cos as much as I hate to admit it, I still feel somewhat responsible for this. Don't tell anyone, though." Molko nodded and stared at his feet. "Damn Welsh kid." he thought. "I could've had a shag hours ago, and now I'm stuck here with the weird Canadian and a plastic bag over my head." "Excuse me?" Jess said, looking pissed off. "Errr...did I say that out loud? I was kidding." Molko said, smiling uncomfortably. Jess took it as her sort of humor and laughed.
Red stumbled into the kitchen. "Can you keep it down in here?" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "Does anyone have a jumper I can borrow?" "Umm....I have cargo pants." Jess replied. "I have black shirts." Molko added. "Damn you all" Red groaned, wandering upstairs to take over Gaby's warm bed.
"Wow. I just realised we haven't really had any seasons in the story. Well we had summer with Glasto. So I guess now its getting into winter and Christmastime. This should be fun." Jess observed. Molko nodded in a pouty way. "Oh shut up and get over it, you and LC are both ponces." Jess commanded. Molko nodded. "Okay come on, this should be done now" Jess jerked Molko's head over to the sink & rinsed out the dye. "Owww you're hurting meee" Molko whined. Jess pulled harder.
Just then a soaking wet LC stumbled in the front door. "Uh oh quick, hide the stuff" Molko whispered, straightening out his hair while Jess swept everything off the counter and into the garbage can. LC walked in and stood in the doorway. "Hey LC!" Jess waved. Molko ran over and gave her a hug. "Oh my god, where have you been?" he asked, concerned. LC just stared at him looking dazed and confused. "Didnt...didn't you have blonde hair when I left..." LC asked. Molko & Jess did their best to look confused. "What are you talking about? He's had the same colour hair the whole time you've known him." Jess said. Molko nodded in agreement. "Huh." LC shrugged. "It must have all been a dream!" Molko said. "Yeah. Some dream..." LC sighed. "So, wanna go upstairs & shag?" Molko suggested. Jess stood in the kitchen alone smiling to herself and slowly walked back upstairs to her bed - which Red had confiscated seeing as Gaby had spilled alcohol all over hers.
(LC's bit) The next morning LC sat in her bed, staring out the crack of her boarded up window, carelessly counting police cars. Molko stumbled to the bathroom to throw up.
"Have you been drinking again Molky?" LC called.
"No." Molko groaned and threw up some more.
LC shrugged. Just then Kali slipped into LC's room.
"You crazy bitch!" She grinned whilst trying to look pissed off.
LC looked confused. "Why? What did I do?"
Kali scrambled onto the bed. "You know damn well what you did."
LC shook her head.
Kali whispered in LC's ear, "Crispian- at Stonehenge."
LC reeled back into the corner of the bed. "How did you know that? Where did you hear about that?"
Kali tapped the side of her head. "I sensed it. It woke me up- you two, shagging. And I was worried that his jacket was all wet and that he'd get the flu, but then it was ok and his singing sorta sent me back to sleep."
LC listened to Kali, eyes wide. "You're... you're psychic then!" She hissed. "Oh my God! How can this be possible?"
"It's fiction darling." Kali shrugged.
LC nodded slowly. "Does that mean you know what's happening all the time? Do you get woken up by Molko and I shagging?"
"Well yeah, but that's only cos you have the room next door. No, I only got it last night. I think Crispian's the link."
"Wow." LC breathed. "The psychic link."
Molko, pale and wasted, entered the room. He saw LC and Kali looking rather happy, as if they'd just shared some secret, huddled into the corner of the bed. He wondered what LC would say to a threesome...
"LC..." he moaned. "I don't feel so good." He pouted and sniffed.
LC, feeling it was her duty to be sympathetic seeing as she'd yelled at him and ruined his guitar, scrambled over. "What's wrong?"
"I don't knoooow." He whined as a 5yr old would do.
"Alright, well let's get you in bed then. If you're coming down with something, I don't want it to get any worse." LC helped him into the bed.
Kali looked worried. "D'you want any help LC?"
Molko looked pleadingly at LC but she ignored it. "No, go back to your Welsh boy. I'm fine." And Kali skipped out.
LC leaned over the stove. Jess made a face. "Yo LCers, what is that?"
"Chicken soup." LC announced.
"Why?"
"Well, Molko's sick and like... whenever ppl are sick they get chicken soup. Right?" LC looked worried.
"Oh that's just typical isn't it? You get sick and you eat chicken soup. That's like saying if you go to a pub you have to eat peanuts when have a pint. Or if you have red hair you're fiesty." Jess shook her head.
At that moment Gaby bounced into the kitchen. "Where the *fuck* are the peanuts?" She opened cupboards and drawers. "We need them! We're having a drinking competition in my room and we need the peanuts. Red's getting fiesty." No one made a move to help Gaby so she sulked back upstairs.
LC gave a questioning look to Jess. "You were saying Jessy?"
"Ah shut up you Australian. Hey guess what? Christmas is coming up." Jess appeared quite excited by this.
"Oh yay." LC sighed. "Your point being?" "Snow!" She cried.
"Er... does it snow in London? I guess it might. Sorry if i'm being dumb but you know I am." LC grinned as she carried some of the soup up to Molko.
Molko sat in the corner of the room playing something on an acoustic. It was Damon II.
"Kali's gonna kill you when she see's you're playing that. Why aren't you in bed?" LC set the soup on the table.
"I feel fine babe. Absolutely fine." He twiddled a few notes.
"You sure?"
"yeah. It just happens yknow. A lot lately. I wake up feeling sick and then it goes. It's been happening for a few weeks now but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Mind you I have a massive craving for chicken soup." He crawled over to the soup and hungrily ate it.
"Babe..." LC studied him carefully. "I don't like the sound of this."
"The sound of what? Oh this soup is revolting! I don't want it. I don't want chicken soup anyway." He got all upset. "I don't ask for much yknow. I don't expect that much either. Can't you just take care of me properly for once? Don't you love me anymore?" Tears ran down his face.
LC sat next to him. "I'm worried abt you. Look at you, you just had a mood swing, you're unpredictable- dying your hair and all-" Molko went to say summat but LC stopped him. "No, I know you did it. You're moody and having cravings and and morning sickness..."
Molko looked up in horror. "Do you think? I mean.... I guess it's possible. It's the only explaination. I'm.... I must be pregnant!"
(Kali's bit) "YOU'RE WHAT?" Kali dove through the adjoining bathroom and into LC's room. "I think I may be pregnant." Molko replied. Kali got a frightened look on her face.
"Wot is it, Kals?" LC asked, looking more worried than before.
"Oh, nevermind...I thought I forgot to feed that kid, whatever his name is..James, yeah. Liam did that though. Prolly gave him beer & crisps but whatever works, thats prolly what he eats at home." Kali rambled, looking relieved.
"I guess the novelty of babysitting for celebrities wore off pretty quickly." LC observed.
"Hey Kali why do you have that box of condoms?" Molko asked.
"Umm...well I heard you say you were pregnant and all so I figured maybe you should use these next time." Kali grinned sheepishly and tossed the box to Molko. "Well anyway I ought to be going now..." Kali skipped through the bathroom and into her room.
Molko & LC looked at each other and shrugged. "So what are we gonna do about this? Is it even ours?" LC inquired.
"What do you mean is it ours? Of course it's ours!" Molko retorted.
Meanwhile Gaby & Red were sitting around trying to find a substitute for peanuts. "Nah, that won't work, too pasty." Red shook her head. Gaby started searching around under her bed. "Umm..how about this?" Gabs asked. "Nah, too hard." Red replied. "This?" Gaby held up another box. "Nah, not salty enough." Red answered. "Well I dunno, mate, I think we're outta luck. Why don't we break the rules and just drink? It's not like we haven't done it before." Gaby suggested. Before she could finish talking, Red had dived into the alcohol supply and was gaining a good lead.
"Bloody kids..." Kali mumbled at the noise coming from Gaby & Red's drinking competition. The doorbell rang. "Kali, get yer arse down here woman, I don't wanna have to stand here with these people for too long" Jess yelled up the stairs. "Oh thank god" Kali said, grabbing James and running down the stairs. "Oh, little James" Liam G cooed, picking the kid up and giving him a big hug. "Yeah yeah it's great to have him back and all that shit, here's your money, thanks" Patsy mumbled, handing over a few thousand pounds to Kali. Kali nodded. "No problem. He's a great kid." "Yeah, well you don't have to live with him." Patsy replied, and sulked her way out the door. Liam G & Kali gave each other looks as Kali said goodbye to James. "She never wanted the kid, it's a shame really, I love 'im to death, I do" Liam whispered on his way out. Kali waved from the doorway for a minute or two then slammed it shut. "Bloody hell, what a ponce that Patsy is!" Kali observed. Jess nodded in agreement. Liam stood in the corner looking quite sad that his playmate had just left.
"You could have an abortion if you don't want to have this kid you know, Molko. I mean a child is a big responsibility. Not to mention that I'm not entirely sure how the birthing process would work though I'm quite sure it would be pretty painful." LC said. Molko cringed. "I'll think about it." he replied. Kali bounded into the room with Liam in tow. "Hellooooo!" she shrieked, diving onto the bed. "What are we gonna do today guys? I'm suddenly really hyper and I need something to dooooo" Kali moaned. "Well doesn't he ever take you anywhere? That's no way to treat a lady" Molko said, gesturing towards Liam. "It's not? I mean, yeah, Liam!" Kali sat up & folded her arms. "Well um..." Liam stared at his shoes. "HEY!" LC yelled. "Let's go to an amusement park! It'll be fun!" "Umm...are you sure Jess would be up to that?" Kali asked. "Well how bout just the four of us go? Like a couples thing. How romantic." LC tilted her head to the side and got all dreamy and lost looking. "Yeah, talk about romance, flying around in a box at 100 mph feeling like you're gonna hurl...how sweet..." Liam said. Kali giggled. Molko tried not to seeing as it would hurt LC's feelings.
"Well there's slow rides too you know. Or you don't even have to go on rides. They have concerts and stuff." LC said, making a face at everyone. "Well, I'm game." Kali chirped. "Well then I guess I am..." Liam shuffled over to sit beside Kali. "Great! Let's get ready, then!" LC shrieked. "Erm...you do realise though that it's just about christmastime." Molko said. "OH shut up, always trying to rain on our parade. Besides, as Lc made Kali say before, THIS IS FICTION!!" LC said, getting up and tearing apart her wardrobe.
(A few hours or whatever later...) "Well, I'm ready!" Kali & LC said simultaneously as they bounded down the stairs. "Okay then let's go, we can take my car" Liam said, jingling his keys. "Wait a second - you have a car?" LC asked. "Um, yeah, me and Kali take it out all the time." Liam replied. "You mean, you have a bloody car, and all this time we've been paying hugely inflated cab fares?" LC sounded a little angry. "Well we can't all fit in my car. There's like ten of us, and the car only fits four." Liam said calmly. "Oh, okay then." LC nodded. "And where exactly do you think you're going?" Jess asked. "Well, we're going to an amusement park." Kali answered. Jess made a face. "You do realise its almost-" "Yeah yeah yeah" Everyone nodded. "Okay, just checking. See you later then. Oh and if you can, buy some peanuts. I just realised I don't like beer unless I have peanuts." Jess said. LC opened her mouth to say something but decided against it. Everyone filed out the door. "Amusement parks. Such a target market." Jess mumbled, sitting down on the couch to watch Neighbours.
"Liammmmmmm I'm colddddd" Kali whined as soon as everyone was in the car. "Well...here" Liam threw his sweater at her. "Liam!" LC shrieked. "Wot?" Liam asked, keeping his eyes somewhat on the road. "Take it back and do it the right way. Geez. This story could use a little romance." LC sighed. Liam groaned and took his sweater back. "Here, love, you can wear my sweater" Liam gently draped it over Kali's shoulders while narrowly missing a postbox. "That better?" LC nodded contently.
A long hour and a half later, Liam pulled over. Kali hopped out & stood on the side of the road with LC & Molko while Liam shut off the car. "How far away is this place? We've been driving for over an hour." Molko asked, looking around. "I don't know. I'm just following the directions LC is giving me." Liam shrugged. Kali started jumping up and down. "What, Kals?" LC asked, looking around to see if Alex James was walking down the street or something. "It's snowing!" Kali shrieked, attempting to catch flakes on her tongue. "Ah, so it DOES snow in London." LC observed. "Well, now what? We're like....lost, and it's snowing, so it's not like the park is gonna be open anyway." Liam groaned. "Awwww Limey don't be such a pessimist!" Kali said, poking him. Liam giggled. "Are we even IN London?" LC asked, looking around at the trees and grass and hillsides.
(LC's bit) Molko sniffed an looked around. "This place just looks too nice to be London. Perhaps we're in... Oxford. Or whatever is outside of London." He stamped his feet to keep warm. "Hey LC." He pulled her over and whispered. "I don't think this cold is good for the baby."
LC nodded and shoved him back in the car. "Hey dudes." She said. "I reckon we should get in the car for a bit. The snow's coming down pretty fast and like... I don't want to die out here."
"Oh don't ovvereact." Kali scoffed. "Wank. You can't die from snow. Let's get in anyway." And the four freezing ppl bundled in the car to wait.
"They've been gone quiet a while haven't they?" Red mused over a bowl of crisps.
Jess jumped up from the couch. "Lucky and Android!"
Gaby looked over at the excited Jess. "Wot?"
"Lucky and Android- the names for my babies with Thom. Luk and Andy. Oh isn't it wonderful?" SHe rubbed her hands together.
"Jess, how do you reckon you're gonna do this? I mean, is he even willing?" Red asked.
"Oh yes." Jess nodded. She leaned in towards Red. "Oh... *yes*..." And gave her a meaningful look.
Red backed away. "Alright... well, I mean, is that gonna be enough for you? Are you gonna leave it after that or are you gonna go for Jonny and Ed and..."
"Thom is it. That's all there is too it. Ed?!? No bloody thank you. Hmm... Jonny's babies. Little Greenwoods running around.... Jess Greenwood. Jess Yorke. Jess Greenwood-Yorke."
"Oooh!" Gaby excalimed. "That last one's well classy!"
LC smacked her head against the window as Liam began another Welsh folk song. Molko put his hands over his ears and Kali sighed.
"Darrrling..." She purred. "Could you refrain from the Welsh fer a bit?"
Liam broke off his operatic vibrato and pouted. "I was getting to the bit where the rain starts falling and the farmboy can't find his way back and gets stuck in the mud."
"Great, let's hope he stays there." Molko muttered.
LC giggled. "I like it when you're cheeky."
Kali zoned in on the conversation. "Cheeky? I'm well cheeky, me. I just love being cheeky. I'm really-"
"Kali!" LC began. "If ya don't bloody shut up I slap you on the cheek...y."
Liam collapsed in laughter. "Hey dude that's really funny!" He ducked away from Kali's punched aimed at his head.
Kali settled down and looked at her watch. "Woah- world record here." She peered around to LC and Molko.
"What?" LC asked her.
"You're actually not shaggin and you haven't for four hours." Kali grinned. "Four hours..."
"Four hours?" Liam groaned. "I'm bloody hungry! Get me some food woman!"
Kali, LC and a bit of effort from Molko, dived onto Liam and began the abuse. "That's no how you speak to women you wank! No wonder she hasn't slept with you!" LC exploded.
"Liam, how can you be so male? Have some respect for us chic's!" Molko sulked.
"... yeah." Kali sneered.
After a few more fights, a few million rounds of 'I spy' (i spy summat beginning with 's'... snow) and a few attempts to force the car doors open so they could eat some snow, it became clear that all was not well with Molko, who was rocking back and forth and moaning.
"Shut up!" Liam told him.
"Liam!" Kali slapped him. "Don't be a yob."
LC wrapped an arm around Molko. "I don't feel good. Really LC. I'm in so much pain. Soooo muuuuch paaaaiiinnnn!!!!" He cried.
Liam turned around. "Mate if ya don't shut up, you'll really be in pain." Kali made a strangling movement on her loverboy. Which turned into a snog.
Molko turned to LC, pale and gasped. "I think the baby's coming!!!!"
"Alright!" LC grinned. "Be brave Molko. Liam! Get yer tongue out of Kali's mouth and drive. We gotta get to a hospital!"
Liam turned around. "I can't drive, the snow's too thick. Hence the fact that we've been stuck here *without food* for hours. And it's getting dark."
LC tapped Kali. "Kals, do you know anything abt giving birth? I mean, I do but I just wanna know if you're-"
"Agh!" Molko yelled. And did the whole breathing thing you do. ('that's it honey, breathe')
"Well, this is fiction." Kali said nervously. "I'm hoping it'll just happen... won't it? Without going into detail? Oh please... I can't stand the sight of blood." She trembled.
"God I'm hungry..." Liam groaned in the background.
(Kali's bit) Kali slapped him. "Wot was that for?" Liam whined, putting his hand over his face. LC leaned forward between the front seats. "Aww. You guys are so cute. Love and hate. AWWW." LC crooned. "Dude shut the hell up or I'll slap you too" Kali said, raising her hand.
"Guysssss" Molko whined. LC jumped back into the seat and continued her breathing coaching. "Man, I saw this on TV once. It was bad enough seeing a woman do it. I mean god..." Kali leaned over the seat to look at Molko and LC. "Wait a minute. Doesn't it take like, 9 months for this to start? He's not even showing." Liam said, staring out the front window. "You know, guys, as much as I hate to admit it..." Kali glanced sideways at Liam (she was obviously getting off on agitating him hehe)"...I think my little Welsh boy is right. Hang on a second." Kali slid back into her seat and pulled out her pocket medical dictionary. (LC - premature ejaculation & the ways to stop it) "Yep, just what I suspected. I think he's passing a stone, he should see a doctor sometime soon." Kali said, closing her book and sticking it back in her bag.
"He's pregnant, you fool, pregnant I say!" LC shrieked, not wanting to let go. Molko leaned back against the seat and breathed a sigh of relief. LC looked around. "Where's the baby??" she screamed, frantically.
"Hon..." Molko mumbled, exhausted & panting. "I think Kali is right." LC glared at Molko for a second and then resumed being nice. "Oh thank god. I'm just glad you're okay, my little Molko." LC rested her head on Molko's shoulder.
"I'm so bloody cold. Doesn't this thing have heat?" Kali whined, playing w/ the various knobs (hehe) on the dash. "Heyyyy don't touch that!" Liam moaned, pulling Kali's hand away from the 'controls'. "Geez, men and their cars..." Kali mumbled, turning towards the window to pout.
"Yeah, I think now would be a perfect time to bring this up" LC said. "Liam, stop being so damn male. I mean we all know you're a huge sensitive wuss 'cos Kali let's us read your letters, so quit acting like such a jerk just 'cos there's a teensy bit of testosterone radiating from Molko here." LC sat back looking quite pleased with herself.
Liam looked as if he were about to cry. Kali was crying.
"Awww, Kals, whats wrong?" LC asked, attempting to put her arm around Kali but realising the seat mechanics just wouldnt allow it. "We're gonna be stuck here foreverrrrrrrrrr!!" Kali wailed, slapping her hands over her face. LC looked worriedly over at Liam who was ignoring everyone seeing as he was being a moody ponce. And 'cos he was still upset about LC yelling at him and damaging his precious pride.
"You know, they've been gone for a long time." Red observed for the second time, looking out the window at the foot of snow that had accumulated over the past 4 hours. Jess burst out laughing. "Jess! How dare you! It's not even remotely funny that our pals are lost somewhere in London!" Gaby scolded. Jess shook her head while trying to suppress tears. "No...its just that..(laughing)...Pacey just ditched Joey for Dawson and Jen is crying about it!" Jess blurted out before she fell off the couch in hysterics. Red turned to Gaby. "Remind me never to let Jess watch target market television again."
"Yes! Oh yes yes yes!" Kali screamed, clapping her hands. No, the car hadn't turned into an orgy vehicle, Kali had gotten the radio working. "What the hell is this?" LC whined, hearing Britney Spears. "Oh geez, wrong station" Kali quickly attempted to switch over to something good but the dial broke off - bummer. "Fuck. Now we're stuck listening to Britney fucking Spears, fuckity fuck fuck..." Molko mumbled, massaging his temples. "Wait wait wait!" Kali said, reaching into the glove compartment. Everyone looked on in extreme interest (thats how bored they were). "Stereophonics!" Kali shrieked. LC started hyperventalating due to the overwhelming Kelly content.
"Awww, Liam..." Kali & Liam started getting all mushy again. LC tended to her poor wounded Molko whilst everyone sang along just 'cos there was nothing else to do. And 'cos it'd keep Liam from breaking out into Welsh folk songs again.
"We all face the same wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" Liam, LC, & Kali shouted (with Molko half-heartedly mumbling in the background). "You guys..." Kali looked around. "Wot?" Liam & LC stopped mid-verse. "I'm scared. I mean, its dark, we're lost, and we're stuck in this car in a snowstorm." she looked as if she was about to cry. "I'm scared too, Kals. But it's not like we're gonna die out here in the English countryside." LC said carefully. "Or will we..." Molko added, for effect. Kali jumped onto Liam's lap & sobbed. "I'm gonna die out here and we can't even eat each other 'cos there's not much to live on seeing as we're polluted with drugsss" Kali moaned into Liam's shoulder. "Shhh...it I'm cold" Liam whispered. "Me too." LC said tearfully/dramatically. "I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm cold...I'm scared." Kali added, equally as dramatic.
"Look, I'm sure there has to be someplace around here we can stay. So let's just get the car back onto the road and look. Besides, it might warm us up a bit." Molko, the logic one, suggested. Liam nodded & started the car up as Kali climbed back into her seat. "Nooo you were keeping me warmmm" Liam whined. "Yeah I'm sure thats not all...err nevermind." LC decided now was definitely NOT the time to be cheeky.
"I'm worried." Red sighed, turning around to realise that Jess & Gaby had fallen asleep on the couch watching the Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake finale. "okay then.." Red shrugged and wandered upstairs to sleep in Kali's bed.
"Hey, what's that up there?" Kali asked, pointing to a rather large house set away from the road. Liam turned onto the driveway. "I can't read the gate...it's covered in snow." LC said, rubbing steam off the window. "Oh well, I guess we'll find out who lives here in a few minutes" Liam said, driving on up to the front door. "Someone get out and knock." Molko said. "Why don't you?" Kali asked, turning around. "'cos I'm the one who just went through a false pregnancy. I'm fragile." Molko replied as LC started babying him again.
Kali got out of the car and (somewhat) bravely stumbled towards the front door. She rang the bell. She knocked. She rang the bell a few more times. Then she realised she was afraid of the dark and ran back to the car. "I don't think anyone's home." she said, slamming & locking the car door. "Perfect." Liam said, looking evil. "Yeah, we have a plan." LC nodded. "You stay here and look after Molko and we'll come get you when we're done." LC said, getting out of the car with Liam and running Mission Impossible/James Bond style to the house.
A half hour later Liam tapped on the window. Kali jumped up and hit her head on the ceiling and then realised that it wasn't an axe murderer come to get her after all. "So, did you guys successfully complete your mission?" she whispered. "Yeah. You don't have to whisper, love...come on, get Molko and let's get inside." Liam and LC lead the way through the back window into the warm cozy mansion where they'd set up a fire in the upstairs fireplace. "Wow, this place is huge....and creepy." Kali said, looking around & standing quite close to Liam. "I need to lay down..." Molko moaned.
"I wonder who's this is anyway." LC said, admiring the embroidered bedsheets. "D.R.. Why do those initials sound so familiar?" LC wondered.
The doorbell rang. "Ding, ding, ding-ding-ding...".
"Hey that sounds like..." Liam said. "Country House!" Kali finished. Then she realised that they were the only four people in the house and were there illegally and that someone had rung the doorbell. She shot up & landed in Liam's arms looking quite terrified.
LC returned from downstairs. "It was just a tree branch. It's like a blizzard out there, stuff's getting blown around and shit. Weird that a tree branch would land right on the doorbell, huh?" LC laughed. Kali had turned the same shade as the snow & was clinging to Liam for dear life.
(LC's bit) LC shook her head and plonked down on a couch. Molko groaned from his semi-conscious position on the bed down the hall. "Be quiet Molko!" LC called. "I'm trying to think of what to do next."
"Hello?" Kali said to LC, unwrapping herself from Liam. "He's dying. Well... he's not well. Aren't you concerned?"
LC shook her head. "He's not having my baby- why should I care? Plus, I just heard some terrible rumour abt him and saw a yuk picture of him on the Net. So I really don't care anymore."
Liam frowned. "How did you log onto the Net? In this current situation."
"I have transmitters in my brain. Anyway- what are we gonna do now? Is there a phone anywhere?" LC got up and wandered abt in the half light.
Kali trembled as the knocking on the door started again. "I can hear it!" She freaked. "And footsteps! Oh Lord in heaven.... help!" And she hid under a nearby table.
LC located a cordless phone. And figured out how to use it as she has great difficulty in using cordless phones in real life (true fact).
Red put down her martini and picked up the phone. "Hello this is Red. I guess you'd like to speak to a sober member of the family. I shall put you thru to.... Jess. She's insane but she's sober. Have a nice day!" Red giggled and flung the phone at Jess.
"What?" She asked. "Yes this is Jess.... Oh right. Well what do you want me to do abt it? I can't drive... A taxi? With what money?..... Oh yeah..... yeah, the band- hey we're loaded...... well...... yeah ok if you can tell me where you are..... well that makes things a bit difficult.... fuck you..... walk home i don't care...... It's Xmas soon.... yeah back at ya bitch." And she hung up. "Red, Gaby- no one has any Xmas spirit!"
Red and Gaby nodded. Gaby needed to throw up.
Liam carefully opened the door to prove to Kali that nothing was out there. Kali was almost crying in fear. As Liam opened the door a woosh of snow blew in, covering him, as well as a figure of a rather cold and pissed off looking male.
"Dude!" Kali exclaimed beneathe her tears of fear. "You're Dave Rowntree, the really groovy drummer from Blur! Too cool man. And we're in your house. And we were just leaving. Sorry." Kali babbled.
LC wandered in. "Hey Davey boy! Nice pad you got here. Who's the snowman next to you?"
"Me." Liam grumbled as he slammed the door closed and shook the snow off him.
Dave looked around. "Would it be a bit odd if I asked everyone what the *hell* they were doing here?"
LC sighed. "Well, dickhead, as you can see, Kali is crouching underneathe a table, I'm standing next to the couch and Liam is brushing snow off himself. Or can you not see that fer yerself?"
Dave nodded. "Hey whatever. I was just curious. Feel like a mug of cocoa?"
Minutes later the group were huddled around the fireplace with cocoa and marshmallows, giggling and chatting over fond memories of childhood and various other things that cocoa makes you think of.
"Well in my day we didn't have calculators." Dave told the kids. "We had to count on our fingers."
"Ooooh!" They chorused.
Dave leaned forward. "And there was no such thing as young love. You married cos you had to. Set up a bakery in the local village and make pies for the people. And cakes and buns."
"Oh how quaint!" LC giggled as Kali and Liam looked affectionately at each other. "Let's sing Xmas carols."
(Kali's bit) "I don't know any. Well I do, but they're all in Welsh." Liam shrunk away to avoid being hit by LC. Kali leaned over to LC. "Exactly how old is Dave, anyway? I thought he was like..thirty something." she whispered. LC shrugged and continued listening to Dave rambling on about never having shoes in the middle of winter. "Why, in my day, we had to walk uphill both ways to school through six feet of snow without shoes and when we got home we had to milk the chickens and shear the horses and saddle up the sheep and...." Dave went on. Kali & Liam somehow managed to sneak away & upstairs.
"LCCCCCCCCC" Molko moaned, with one eye open to check LC's reaction. Ah, but LC was too smart, for she was a whinger herself. "Get rooted." LC said across the room, and turned her attentions back to Dave. "We didn't even have water back then! It wasn't invented yet!" Dave cried, throwing his hands in the air. "That's lovely but erm, you're not gonna have any mates over, are you? Like from the band. I don't need to have another shag anxiety attack." LC explained. Dave shrugged. "They just come over when they want. It's annoying, really, but who am I to tell people to get out of my own house, you know?"
"Right." LC nodded. "I think we should go now. I mean...yeah, we should go. Have you got a car we can err, borrow?" Dave nodded and tossed her a set of keys. "Just pick whichever suits your fancy from the garage. Fifth door on the right down that hallway." he pointed. "Great." LC forced a smile & ran upstairs to collect everyone.
"Where are we goingggg?" Kali moaned as LC tossed her into the backseat of a rather spacious (insert car name here). "We're getting the hell out of here, thats where we're going." LC said, putting the key in the ignition. "Erm, LC, I don't think that's wise. Remember what happened last time we drove?" Kali cautioned. LC ignored her & floored it out onto the long driveway that lead to the main road. Molko groaned. Liam whined. Kali giggled.
Red snored. Gaby snored. Jess snored. Steve had a dream that Molko was pregnant but it turned out to be some other problem he couldn't quite make out and that his beloved friends were lost in the English countryside and were currently escaping from a schitzophrenic (i have no idea how thats spelled) lunatic - also known as Dave Rowntree, that guy from Blur.
"Fa la la la la, la la la la.....come on Liam honey it's easy, you can't go on being Welsh forever" Kali said, in a vain attempt to teach Liam some non-Welsh Christmas carols. "Fach cwla cwla..." Liam tried. Kali gave up. It was no use. LC continued singing happily in the driver's seat while Molko continued his moaning.
LC stopped the car and looked around at the completely white and barren countryside. "Guys. Let's do the buried alive ending." Everyone nodded and got out of the car. "Ready?" Kali asked, standing on top of the largest hill she could find.
"Ready." Everyone nodded. Molko pretended to be injured badly to add to the dramatics. "AVALANCHE!!!" Kali shrieked, tumbling down the hill to join her friends who were busily burying themselves in snow. "We're gonna die out here!!!" LC yelled, forcing herself to turn blue and shiver as she clung to Molko under the snow. "Liam!!" Kali screamed. "Where are you?? Liam!!"
"I'm right here, babe, calm down" Liam said. "NO, stupid! You're supposed to moan & mumble til I find you and then we all die together out here in the bloody wilderness that is the English countryside 5 miles outside London." Kali said, kicking him. "Now let's try that again." Kali repeated her lines. "Here...here...." Liam mumbled, as best as he could. Kali crawled over to him & dragged him near Molko & LC as they all huddled together. "We need food, guys..." LC shivvered. "We should..." Kali trailed off. "We should what?" Molko asked. "I'll do anything. I'm starving. We'll die if we don't eat."
"Take me." Liam said, holding back tears. "Im just the stupid Welsh boy. Kali, I love you, go on without me." he liftedthe leg of his jeans and handed over a pocket knife to LC.
"Whoa, that is one hairy lamb chop." Kali remarked, slapping Liam's bare leg. Molko cracked up in hysterics while LC still tried to get over the fact that she almost had to cut a chunk out of her friend's boyfriend's leg.
"We can't end the story like this, guys. Besides, we haven't even gotten through christmas yet. And how would we off Red, Jess, and Gaby? Well actually thats kinda easy due to their destructive habits but really." Kali said, getting up & brushing the snow off her shirt. Everyone agreed & tromped back to the car to make the rest of the trip home to London.
(LC's bit) Jess hung the tinsel over their pathetic excuse for a tree which was actually Red's indian elephant dressed up in a green sarong. She smiled and hummed along to various carols. Red tapped her fingers and sighed.
"Jess, what are LC and I gonna do? We don't believe in Xmas."
Jess spun around. "You don't believe? You don't *believe*???"
Gaby, being insightful, handed Jess some Sherry to distract her from her possible breakdown and shattering of childhood dreams. There was a knock on the door. Jess dashed over to it. Upon flinging it open she saw LC, Kali, Liam and Molko, wet, pale and cold.
LC stumbled forward and collapsed on the floor. "We have to eat." She whispered. "We have to."
Jess clapped her hands and nodded, making her sleighbell earrings jinlge along. "I'm pissed off at you guys but because it's Xmas and I have massive Xmas spirit, I'll forgive you. Come on in to our humble home."
Kali sat on the stairs. "It's our humble home too."
"Yeah." LC mumbled from her face down position on the carpet which she was probably trying to eat. "And who cares abt Xmas anyway?"
Gabs ran over to Jess with another Sherry as Jess collapsed.
Red bounced over. "Are you guys ok? What happened?"
"They got caught in the snow." Steve called form the kitchen where he was cooking the Xmas dinner with Stef and Robbie who seems to have appeared in the story again. "They broke into Dave Rowntree's house and he gave them a ride back- not after they tried to kill themselves by drowning in snow."
Red pouted. "If you knew all this, why didn't you say so?"
"No one asked me." He replied.
Red fought back her anger and helped everyone inside to marvel at the Xmas Elephant Tree.
Later on that evening, Jess explained to everyone how she'd gone to all the trouble to use her fame and cynicism to invite 'a few mates over for Xmas dinner'. LC smiled at her sweetness. However, when the clock struck 8pm, her smile was replaced by fear. She was talking to Kali when some guests arrived.
"Kali, Kali baby- isn't that.... Damon?" She trembled as Damon wandered in followed closely by Graham and Alex, and Dave. LC tried to make hersef look inconspicuous by imitating a piece of tinsel by the Elephant Tree. A few seconds later Kali joined her.
"What are you doing?" LC hissed as Kali entwined herself around the Elephant.
"It's Noel." She muttered. "He's here, as well as the Dandy's."
"Oh god." LC whispered. "It's our past shags come to haunt us."
They watched on in horror as All the lovely lads mingled around. Crispian walked in. Kali giggled and swung on the Elephant's trunk. "Sucked in LCers."
Jess walked past LC and Kali with Thom in tow. Johnny sat in the corner. "I'll kill you Jess!" LC hissed.
Thom looked startled. "A talking tree. A talking elephant tree." And he buggered off.
Various other ppl such as Gaz from Supergrass, and Kelly Jones wandered in. LC slid around the foot of the 'tree' and hissed. "You've shagged Kelly Jones?!?"
"No." Kali said looking around the room and spying Noel and her Liam argueing in the kitchen. "But I'm abt to." And skipped off.
LC sighed. She got up and walked around, keeping in the shadows. Red and Damon seemed to be chatting away, while Gaby and Robbie were getting drunk. Jess and Thom seemed to have vanished. What had she done to deserve this? A Xmas party in which she couldn't join in, only watch for fear of the consequences. Thank God Molko was upstairs being 'pregnant'. Someone tapped her on the shoulder. It was Coxon.
"Hi." She nodded.
"Why are you hiding?" He mumbled.
"There's a lot of ppl here I don't want to see. And the door's too far away to run to without being noticed." LC explained.
"Don't you want to see me?" Coxon asked.
"Sure." LC nodded.
"I have something to show you." Coxon began. "You know how I skateboard?"
LC nodded. "yeah, you're like the only 30yr old who does. Go on."
Coxon giggled. "Well i have a new trick. Come and let me show you."
LC hid herself behind his skateboard and dashed for the backyard which was concrete and rather small.
"Ok." Coxon blushed. "It's called the double 100 jellybean hippopotamus twist. Ready?"
LC nodded and leaned against the wall, not caring, just so long as she was out of there. Coxon did some pathetic jump and twisty thing and slipped. He landed on his back. LC screamed. She dashed over to Coxon who looked up at her through hazy eyes.
"There you go.... but I think it needs practice." He closed his eyes. LC noticed his head was bleeding (cor blimey!). Right. This was no time to be worrying abt reputation- slutty or otherwise. She ran inside.
However there was a huge commotion going on and every single guest was gathered by the door. It was Gaby's grandmother. She had Gaby by the wrist and was yanking her away.
"You must spend your holiday with your family, not de's peoples!" She shrieked.
LC looked around and spied Jess on the phone, crying. She hung up and dahsed over to LC.
"LC, LC..." She gulped. "That was our manager. We're out of a job. He says our CD is selling nothing!"
Everyone turned around and glared at Jess. Mumbles began abt RukaLand being 'shite' 'crap' and 'commerical shit'. Ppl began to leave.
LC panicked. "Jess! Gaby's been kidnapped by her grandmother and Graham Coxon's dead!"
The police, who have supernatural hearing for things like this, came barging thru the door and raided the house.
Kali and Red huddled by the Elephant. Even Placebo and Kali's Liam had left due to the fact that they weren't famous anymore. Molko stumbled down the stairs and Liam sneered at Kali. Red's mobile rang.
"Oh I bet it's for me!" She said.
"Well duh, it's *your* mobile." Kali sighed, teary.
Red began to talk a mile a minute and Kali looked up to see a body bag plus LC in handcuffs being escorted out.
She ran over. "Lc!!! LC where are they taking you? What did you do???????" She screamed.
LC looked up, eyeliner dripping down her cheeks. "They think I killed Graham." And she was whisked out the door.
Kali choked but was whacked ont he back by Red who had somehow gathered all her shit into a red handkerchief tied onto the end of a stick. "Mate! That was Rory! He wants to mary me! I'm off to Ireland...." And Red ran for a taxi. Jess shrugged. "I don't know what to do. I need help. I can't cope with this. Not only was i a bass player, but now I'm out of a job! The ultimate insult." She got a garbage bag from the kitchen and went upstairs to pack her clothespile.
Kali stood in shock. Her mate had been arrested for murder, the other taken back to South America, another off to Ireland to marry a dream, and the other gone to join Bass players Anonymous. She sat down and leaned against the wall. What was she going to do with her life? With her guitars and her clothes and her scandalous stoires in the papers? Well there was only one thing to do. She'd write about it. She'd write a shithouse story about her life in the band that was, but then wasn't. Perhaps, over the years she could get the rest of the member's to write a bit. To each add their own view. She sniffed and nodded as she went upstairs to pack her things before returning to New Jersey.
As she closed the door she took a final deep breath of the polluted London air and marched onwards to get a taxi to Heathrow. But not before slamming into the fountain by the front steps.
Amen.