"What are you going to have pierced Jessy?" asked Red.
"I think I may pierce my nose" replied Jess.
"Great, I want my nose pierced too, and a tattoo of a garuda bird on my back" screamed Red.
They were both surprisingly excited about self mutilation and extreme pain, seeming as they both ordinarily have an unexplianed fear of needles. This may have something to do with the 2 litres of bourbon that miracoulously appeared from one of the larger pockets of Jess' cargos. It was her 'anti social' supply.
They both stood at the counter of 'Fat Frank's Pain Parlour', observing the skin headed woman with a tattoo of a death skull on her scalp and enough earings to stock a jewellery store.
"What the fuck do you want pierced?" 'kindly' enquired the woman.
"We would both like to have our noses pierced, and this fuckwit here would also like to have a full size tattoo of a balinese bird on her back" answered Jess.
"How pissweak!" screeched the woman. "While you're here, you may as well get your nipples pierced too, we're curently running a '2 for 1' offer."
"What? 2 nipples pierced for the price of one?" asked Jess, sounding frighteningly interested. "What do you reckon Red? Let's get a nipple done each."
"No fuckin way!!!!! Are you fuckin mad? I'm scared shitless of breast feeding let alone whacking an enourmous metal bolt through it!" screamed Red.
"Okay, looks like it's just 2 nose rings and a tattoo" said Jess.
"That'll be 200 pounds" said the lady.
"We can manage that, put it on the plastic" said Jess in a very consumer/target market way.
Jess and Red both took a seat. Red slipped off it, then got back on. They both had their nose's pierced. Jess's eyes started watering.
"You nancy poo!" said Red, "I didn't feel a thing, you're weak" she said, red faced and eyes bulging. "I beat you!"
"Red, why do you become such an annoyingly competitive shit when you're drunk?" asked Jess.
Red couldn't answer, they'd already started on the tattoo and she'd passed out from the pain, which is probably a good thing, otherwise she'd be had up on assault by the tattooist. She can't have a blood test without inflicting serious unjuries to others.
(LC's bit) That night Kali was woken up to screaming and groaning coming from downstairs. She shook her Liam awake.
"What?" He mumbled.
"It's Red, I think she's come out of her coma now. But I can't sleep cos of all the screaming." She whispered.
At that moment, a frazzled looking LC stumbled into Kali's room, followed by her loyal puppy dog- Molko, Gaby and Rob and Jess.
"Look guys." LC said taking control. "Just ignore it, I mean, she wanted to get it done. It's all her fault. Offer no sympathy. I warned her time and time again."
"I dunno what her problem is." Jess shrugged. "I feel perfectly fine."
"There you go. Red's just being pathetic." LC continued.
"Hey." Kali began. "Maybe one of us should like... go downstairs and check on her. Make sure she isn't bleeding to death."
"Ah please..." LC waved her hand. "Don't bother. I'm sure it's all an act. Alcohol makes her very vocal. Now, can we all go to sleep?"
Gaby sighed. "Donde estara the love and sympathy of my mates- ow!" There was a rustle from beside Gaby.
"What happened?" Rob's voice floated over.
"I don't know." Gaby whimpered.
Lc sighed. "Well can someone turn on the bloody lights?" Molko fiddled around (with the lights) and they clicked on.
"Oh good God!" LC exclaimed. "Sorry Kali." She giggled at the skimpily clad Kali who hugged the blankets around her.
"It's ok. We haven't shagged or anything." She grinned.
Gaby looked at her shoulder which was bleeding. Jess was holding her nose.
"Sorry Gaby. I turned to leave and smacked into you. Funny though- my nose is fine." Jess shrugged.
Liam gasped. "It is.... you're.... you're one of *them*!!!"
"One of what?" Jess inquired.
"The Goddess of Pain. In the way that you feel none. We have them in Wales. They're called sheep. No pain is ever felt by them...." He told the group.
"Yeah, maybe cos they're used to it." Kali shoved him.
But her Liam was in a trance. A Welsh trance. "It is at this point I would say something really interesting in Welsh, but LC doesn't have the book with her so you'll have to wait."
"Oh yay. The suspense is killing me." Jess muttered as she and everyone wandered out the room.
Red screamed and groaned again. LC paused in the hallway. Perhaps she should check up in her, being her best mate of 4yrs and all.... Hmm.... but then some giggling followed. Ah- must be the anaesthetic she was given. LC shrugged and dragged Molko in their room.
The next morning, everyone awoke to the sound of singing. "Oh what a beautiful moooooorrrrrning! Oh what a beautiful daaaaaay!" Came warbling up the stairs. Everyone- confused as fuck, trooped downwards to witness Red, leaning over the oven (no, not trying to gas herself to death but the thought probably crossed her mind after being subjected to such songs) pulling out a loaf of freshly made bread. "Mmm!" She sniffed. "Beautiful freshly baked bread!" She swanned about the kitchen as if she were part of some cheesy musical about baking bread and singing songs from Oklahoma. She hummed along to herself. Everyone kinda stood there and watched. Red offered some bread to LC who promptly screamed.
"You're eyebrows are... PURPLE!!!" And she began to hyperventilate.
"Yes!" Red chirped. "It's to prove that I do have some. Come along! Eat your food!" She dished out breakfast for everyone.
No one ate it. But they tried to look enthusiastic. A sort of subconscious and mutual agreement was made by everybody that it was just the after effects of lead poisoning or something as Red twirled around and ran upstairs only to slide down the banister singing "Oooooooooooooklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain!"
"Someone make it stop!" LC gasped (she's still hyperventilating).
"The hyperventilating or her?" Molko asked.
LC, trying to breathe, looked over to Red who had now donned a straw hat and cowboy boots and was saying how it was 'all er nuthin' with her'. "Both!" LC wheezed.
Molko, being the crafty little boy he sometimes is, shoved a nearby Harvey Nicks bag under LC's face for her to breathe in, whilst simultaneously slapping Red out of it. Which did 'nuthin' and Red saw it as an attempt for a bit of kinky sex.
"Ah will not have yer type thinkin' of me as sum sex-toy! Ya hear?" Red said in the accent and all.
"We're on Top of the Pops this afternoon!" Kali freaked out. "What are we going to do?"
(Kali's bit) "Yes, what ARE we going to do?" Stef asked.
"Well, seeing as you're not in the band, you can shutup...Anyway, I guess we have to go to the TV studio & look like a bunch of wanks fer five minutes. Or however long the single is." LC said. "Yeah." everyone nodded.
"The hills are aliveee with the sound of musssiccccc" Red sang, leaning out the front door. "Dude, you're gonna get us arrested. Someone give her a tranqulizer before she humiliates us on national TV." Jess said, grabbing Red back inside & slamming the door shut. "She'll humilate us whether she's wacky like this or not..." Kali joked, so everyone laughed. Red collapsed in her tent & fell into a deep sleep. "Right, this food is disgusting" LC said, standing up & tossing her plate into the garbage can. Everyone followed her lead.
Liam said something in Welsh & Kali giggled. (Kali would actually write something but Liam only taught her how to say you're full of shit & fuck off & I'd have to go all the way upstairs to find that out anyway...) Jess gave them weird looks while LC pulled out her pocket Welsh dictionary. "Oh, aren't Welsh boys just so yummy? I mean, even the world, 'weellllssshhh', it's got a certain ring to it. And I mean, they've got Kelly Jones, need I say more?" Kali swooned while Liam blushed. "Yeah, he's really talented" Liam added. "Oh I'm sure he is..." Kali looked at LC & winked. LC giggled a mischievious giggle.
"So right guys, let's get on track here seeing as that's my job, we have to be on TOTP today, so I suggest we get our arses down to the TV studio. And I'm sure they've got a wardrobe there but its prolly all shite trendy stuff so I'd suggest bringing yer own clothes."
Kali stood up military style & saluted Jess before marching off to her room.
"Ohmygod, guys, major dilemma!" Kali came downstairs a couple hours later in the midst of everyone else's getting ready. "Wot, Kali baby?" Liam asked, looking concerned. "I don't know which guitar to use!!" Kali shrieked. Jess groaned & rolled her eyes as she pulled Alexcaliber out of it's case. Red smiled contentedly as she shined up the pink paisley guitar. LC was warming up her voice again (remember, shouting her barrage of swear words & other obscenities). Gaby was chisiling 'I love Robbie forever' into one of her drumsticks. "Welll, someone help!" Noel II, Noel III, or Damon II?" Kali asked.
"Well what song are we doing?" LC, always fashion conscious, asked.
Everyone shrugged.
"Well Kals I personally think the nice blue colour of Noel III goes better with your outfit." LC advised. Kali hapily tronced off to put away Damon II & Noel II. In seperate corners of course just in case things got nasty. Just then, Robbie walked down holding half of Gaby's porcelain Ricky Martin statuette. Gaby gasped. "I'm real sawry, loove, but like, it just fell off. I'll glue it, I promise." Robbie said, making a puppy face. "Oh, it's okay..." Gaby said sweetly, trying to hide her rage. Robbie ran back upstairs with super-glue and the bottom half of Ricky Martin in hand. Gaby began to scratch out the "forever" she'd chiseled into her drumstick.
So the super group Rukaland (haven't used that phrase in a while) somehow made it to the studio w/out screaming, yelling, or hitting. Of course, the tag-alongs had to come too, for added dimension.
"This is so poncey." LC remarked, looking around at autographed photos of the Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys on the wall. Red shrieked from the other side of the room, then looked around to make sure Robbie wasn't within earshot. "Psst, LC, lookit this, its an autographed one of Take That. I say we take it home with us, stick it in a guitar case." Red whispered. LC got a devilish grin on her face. "Good idea" she said, taking the photo off the wall. "Let's put it in Jess's case so if we get caught, she'll get blamed fer it. And she's good at getting out of that stuff seeing as I'm not feeling so bimbo-ish today." LC plotted, sneaking over & placing the pic in Alexcaliber's case.
(LC's bit) The group made their way into the poncey excuse for a dressing room after they told their entourage where to get off and how they could make themselves busy by mingling with the fans.
"So who hosts this thing now? Is it still-" LC began.
"Hey guys!" Jamie Theakston came bursting thru the door with a mic and cameraman, completely ignoring the fact that it was a private dressing room and any one of the chic's could have been in a state of half nakedness or some other such dodgy scenario.
"Oh right." LC nodded as she shoved Alexcaliber's case behind the couch. "So you are still running this joint?"
Jamie nodded. "Right guys now what we want is a bit of before stage banter ok? I'm gonna ask you a few questions and then you're free to do whatever." He make himself busy by shoving Gaby and Kali onto the couch and attempting to make Red (eyebrows and all) stand within shot.
"Oi! Get yer hands off me!" Red yelped. "I'll stand where I bloody want to stand and that's the end of it."
Jess backed away into the corner and started up on the anti-social bourbon bottle which seemed to have filled itself. LC sighed and sneered into the camera. "Go for it. Ask us what you want to know." She told Jamie.
"OK, before we do, can we have a bit of sisterly love here? Why don't you put your arm around the glitter chic- there you go." Jamie suggested to Gaby. "And er... you" He pushed LC over to the couch. "Why don't you stand behind the couch and-"
"Oi mate! Why don't you just leave it?!?" LC shoved Jamie against the wall. "You wanna ask us questions- you'll ask us questions. We aren't here to be friendly or nice or loving or even tolerable toward each other or you- so just ask us the bloody questions and bugger off!!!"
Everyone fell silent. Jess grinned evilly. Her anti-social attitude was rubbing off on her mates. Meanwhile, LC stood and seethed. Jamie nervously looked around at the group. Jess trying to hide herself, Gaby and Kali looking rather glittery and confused, Red and.... her eyebrows, and LC looking ready to kill.
"Right. Well.... let's go then. Camera?" Jamie sat down next to Kali on the remaining portion of couch.
"Careful." Kali said to the camera. "I bite if I'm angered."
Jamie edged into the arm of the couch. "So!.... This is your first time on Top of the Pops. A lot of bands say that for them, this is when they know they've 'made it'. Do you think that stands for you?"
"Well, let's see..." Red thought. "We were signed up and had a top 10 single before we'd begun recording, we headlined at Glasto, we've already had a sell-out tour around Ireland and Scotland, we've won a Brit award... But of course, that just doesn't qualify to this wonderful experience we're having now, does it?" Red muttered.
"OK." Jamie nodded slowly. "Going on a different path now, when is the CD going to be released?"
"Soon." Said Gaby. "We think. Any day now. And it rocks. If you don't buy it.... well, put it this way, I'll kill if I have to..."
"Speaking of which- The death of Ricky Martin-" Jamie jumped in for the goss.
LC grabbed the questions. "Show me that!" She read thru them. "Did you kill Ricky.... what was it like being a pole dancer.... how did you fight alcoholism... photo's of you guys at Noel's party... football brawls...." LC looked up. "Do you have *any* questions relating to the music?"
"Sure." Jamie said. "What are you going to play for us today?"
"Well, if you're lucky we might play.... our single." Kali smiled. "It's called...." Kali looked around.
"It's called...." She spotted Jess's guitar case poking out from behind the couch. "It's called 'My Little Guitar Baby who I love- Oh yes I do'. And it's top."
LC willed herself not to pass out. What the hell was Kali doing? There was no way she'd make up a song on the spot-
"Kidding!" Kali said. "It's called Shag. Of course. I just wanted to see how pale I could make LC go."
LC threatened to kill Kali while Jess dived over to Red who had fainted from shock of having to stress her brain to think of new chords to play, that or lead poisoning. Gaby tried to break up Kali and LC. Jamie jumped out of the way and hastily left with a 'well, that's all for now- see ya later!' and slammed the door.
Once he was gone everyone sighed. Red got up, LC climbed off Kali, Kali removed her hands from Gaby's throat and smoothed down her hair.
"Well that was good." Said Gaby. "Think they fell for the whole 'we're well 'ard' image?"
"I think so." Jess said as she hid the bourbon and fiddled with her bass. "Oi! What are a bunch of coke addict nancy boys doing near my bass???"
LC peered over, wondering what Placebo were doing when she saw Jess holding the autographed TT picture like it was infected. Which it most probably was.
"Oh be careful!" Red said diving for the picture. "We gotta keep this baby safe. In the meantime, let's go to 'the canteen' that's always mentioned in the TOTP magazine, and get ourselves some shit food and annoy some popstars!"
(Red's Bit)
THE CANTEEN:
"What the fuckin bloody hell do you call this bullshitted shite?" asked Kali as she peered at her 'meal'. Jess reffered to the menu and answered: "Beef Wellington...aparently."
"Do they mean 'wellington' as in a gumboot/gollasher, or 'Wellington' as in that shite city in New Zealand?" asked Red. "Cos it looks like that same texture of a gumboot, and just as awful as a New Zealand city." she continued.
"Hey, I don't think mine's dead. I saw it move." deadpanned LC. "Oh, wait, it was just a maggot."
"I don't think I could manage eating this. The menu says it's vegetarian, but that could mean a number of things, like soiled underpants" said Red. "I have a large amount of hippy muesli bars in my bag, I never remeber putting them in there, but there's always one more in there each time I look. We can eat those." she offered.
"No thanks Red, I think we'd rather starve than eat anything that's been in your bag." said Jess.
"But any pot you have lying around in there,I'll happily accept" piped up Kali.
"Jess, where's your anti-social supply of bourbon? I'm feeling slightly sober, and I don't like it, it's foreign to me." said Gaby.
"Hey, there's a cake over there. We can be like Take That when they were given that cake and Gary looked really excited, and you just knew he would eat it all" said LC.
"LC, I really feel you should get over Take that, seeming as they broke up over 3 years ago." said Jess.
"Shut up miss i-love-nirvana! Kurt Cobain's been dead longer than I've been wearing bra's" screamed Red.
"And that's probably why you need steel reinforced ones these days 'cos they spent far to many years unsupported" said LC.
A brawl appeared close, but luckily (depending on your piont of view) Jamie Theakston sauntered in.
"Ladies..." he began, but was interupted by "Don't you fuckin call me a lady you arse hole!" by Gaby, who was incredibly close to being sober, and was becoming a little nasty.
"Well, um, well,... you're on in 10 minutes. You'll play, then we'll interview you. I must remind you that there is to be no foul language, gratutious humour, or reference to my sex life." said Jamie, with great emphasis on the 'sex life' bit.
"Why? 'Cos you haven't got one?" cheekily asked Kali.
(Kali's bit) Everyone watched Jamie's face droop before walking briskly out the door. "Ah yes. I love bein' cheeky, me. I love pissing people off. I love pissing myself off." Kali quipped. "Err, why the fuck was I eating beef wellington, anyway? I have a fear of beef." Kali said, poking at her plate & looking at LC.
Red tried hard not to laugh. "Hey guys...is this show like...live?" Kali asked. "I think it's taped." Jess replied. "But guys. We could act like arseholes and they'll have to show it anyway. 'Cos like we're the super group rukaland and they need the ratings 'cos last night they showed Britney Spears & set a record for the amount of televisions simultaneously thrown out of windows." Kali said, matter-of-factly.
"She's right you know." LC and Red nodded as Gaby stole Jess's other bottle of bourbon. "I mean, what are they gonna do? They can't not show us. There'll be mass rioting all over the place." LC said.
"Hey!" Kali squeaked, jumping to her feet. Everyone perked up, thinking Kali had had some miraculous wonderful idea of how they could futher ruin Jamie's life. Then they realised she was looking at the door. Everyone turned around quickly to see Molko, Stef, Steve, Liam & Robbie standing there looking quite the bunch of misfits. Jess looked evil. She was getting ideas.
Everyone ran off to the dressing room to do the final touch ups while Jess ran her plan over & over in her mind before announcing it to the group. "Everyone shhh, I think Jess has something evil to say, I can tell by the glint in her eye" Steve said, raising his hands to quiet everyone. Kali giggled and Liam clamped his hand over her mouth. Jess stepped forward. "I think ALL of us should go up onstage. Robbie can breakdance while Stef and Steve dance like fly-girls, and Liam and Molko can share mics w/ Kali & LC and play tambourines and sing or summat. It'll be hilarious. And the fans will get it 'cos man, the kids get us." Jess bowed back into her corner just as an announcer's voice came over the intercom saying "Rukaland to the stage please...err, I'm sorry..the uh..the super-group? Rukaland to the stage please?".
Kali bit Liam's hand & ran down the hallway leading to the stage, all excited to play in front of a bunch of paid extras who couldn't give a crap who was playing anyway. (I swear, I saw these chicks attempting to dance - like, club style, when Oasis played Live Forever on TOTP. err, no.) Stef & Steve got into some tight clothes and worked out some quick choreography before hopping up on either side of the drum riser. Molko put his hair in pigtails & tried to act all bubble-gum pop like for the audience as he picked up a tambourine and stood beside LC's mic stand. Jamie just stood there looking awestruck & scared at the same time. Robbie got down in front & started busting some moves to practise before the cameras started rolling. Gaby started laughing & missed her drum chair & fell on her arse. Red pulled out a muesli bar & shoved it in her mouth as quickly as possible while she made sure she was tuned up. Jess looked at her surroundings and grinned satanically.
"Guys! Let's play a really silly song like um..." Kali yelled. "Parklife!" LC shrieked & jumped up and down. Everyone nodded in agreement just as the lights came on and the cameras began rolling. "Here's the super group Rukaland performing their latest for you here on Top Of The Pops!" Jamie yelled, as the band started into Parklife. Just about every corporate person in the place (Jamie inc.) shit their pants when they realised what was going on. "Well we can't stop now, IT'S RUKALAND!" the cameramen shrieked to one another.
Kali, LC, Liam & Molko sang all the verses together, with Gaby, Jess, Steve, Red, Stef and Robbie (who'd stop breakdancing as soon as "alllll the people..." came in) joining in for the chorus.
"PARKLIFE!" everyone yelled. Kali was obviously getting an immense high out of the whole thing seeing as her smile encompassed her entire face. Red looked like she was about to cry. The whole thing was so beautiful. Steve & Stef in miniskirts behind her while Jess ponced about a bit like Alex beside her.
As the song came to a close Kali quickly yelled "I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT JAMIE THEAKSTON HAS NO SEX LIFE, YOU'RE ALL FULL OF FUCKING CUNTY BOLLOCK INFESTED SHITE!, AND..." Kali looked over at LC & nodded. LC promptly pulled the belt off Molko's pants & showed him to the world. Of course Molko didn't freak out 'cos he's kewl about stuff like that. He has to be in the story anyway 'cos he's becoming a supporting permanent role, here.
Everyone sat around Red's living room eating various left over food and watching TV. "Dude, that's mine, don't eat that!" Kali poked Liam in the eye with her chopstick & stole his piece of chinese broccoli out of the container. "These are really good beans." Red observed, staring at her bowl while LC gave Molko a foot massage nearby. Gaby, who was sitting quite close to Molko & LC, removed her oxygen mask to take a swig of Southern Comfort & replaced it. Jess poked at her pizza. She'd been thinking about having Thom's babies again and was too preoccupied to eat.
"Oh, it's on, it's on!" Steve said, getting up & turning up the volume on the TV. "Here's the super group Rukaland performing their latest for you here on Top Of The Pops!" Jamie's voice blared out of the speakers. Kali started laughing even before anything happened. A shot of the whole band plus their pals filled the screen. LC snorted as she watched Stef & Steve slapping each other's arses and Robbie 'breaking it down' in the front. And of course she had to "aww" a few times at her little Molko and his pigtails. "Wow, we played this really well guys. Maybe we should do it at all our gigs" Red observed between giggle outbursts. Kali & Liam were in hysterics while Gaby was busy trying to keep the alcohol from coming out of her nose as she laughed. Everyone covered their mouths to suppress the laughter seeing as the big finale was coming up. ""I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT BEEP BEEP BEEEEEP, YOU'RE ALL FULL OF BEEP BEEP BEEP INFESTED BEEP!, AND..." Kali's voice flew out of the speakers. "Here it is, here it is" LC said pointing at herself on the TV reaching for Molko's belt. "Ohh!!!" Everyone yelled & laughed & pissed their pants as the camera showed Molko walking backstage with his pants around his ankles and his rather white bum sticking out. "Oh great, now they're gonna show the backstage stuff" Jess groaned.
Everyone leaned in closer to the TV as they began rolling the backstage shots of the band along w/ the credits. "Careful." Kali said to the camera. "I bite if I'm angered." Liam looked interested as Kali bared her teeth at the camera & Jamie moved considerably far away from her. Jamie asked his dumb questions as the show played on. "Well, let's see..." Red thought. "We were signed up and had a top 10 single before we'd begun recording, we headlined at Glasto, we've already had a sell-out tour around Ireland and Scotland, we've won a Brit award... But of course, that just doesn't qualify to this wonderful experience we're having now, does it?" Red quipped on the TV. Somehow the bits about Gaby & Ricky Martin had been cut. But of course the last thing shown was a picture of the whole group looking quite stoned sitting on Noel Gallagher's couch.
(LC's bit) "OI!!!" LC exploded in a rather audible way as she often does when she's pissed off. "How the *hell* did they get that picture??? What the *hell* are they doing putting it on TV and where the *hell* is Liam's hand?"
Everyone peered a bit closer to the screem with lots of 'ooo-ing' and 'ew-ing'. Even Liam looked confused.
"Mate, even I don't remember that. But hey- dw i'n dysgu Cymraeg!" He grinned.
"Yes Liam darling, I know." Kali patted his head and sighed. "Well that's it dudes. We're gonna have to do summat to clear up our image- for the kiddies of course."
Jess grumbled from the corner. It seemed to be a protest of sorts, either to Kali's suggestion or the fact that Gaby had finished off her bourbon supply in one swig.
"Well, there is summat we can do..." LC said, wriggling out of Molko's hands as she was still pissed off at TOTP and didn't want to be touched by anyone- or she'd lash out. "Charity. Really, it's all that's left."
*** Gaby slouched against the flimsy table and basically inhaled the contents of a vodka. Jess looked around, bored and tired.
"I cannot believe the stupidity of this. It's just not going to work." She complained.
Red squelched out some henna paint. "Oh yes it is. We're reaching out to the people here."
"But it's not exactly 'charity' is it?" LC looked worried as she fixed up the sign that said 'Henna tattoo's, hair dye and alcohol- Buy now and $ave!'
Kali squinted at the sign. "What's 'dollar sign and 'ave!' mean?"
LC sighed. "Don't be a bimbo. It's 'save' with a dollar sign as the 's'." LC eyed her work proudly.
"Um, yeah." Jess nodded. "But we're in England. They use the pound sign."
LC frowned and ripped up the sign. She decided to yell. "OK Camden Markets! Here we are- the supergroup RukaLand here. Get your henna, get your hair dye and get your alcohol and save, save save!!!"
A few people queued up to red asking them to autograph their arms and various other body parts with henna. Jess was incharge of the hair dye and was giving some chic a rainbow style while Gaby who was in charge of the alcohol, had consumed the lot of it and was acting as the 'resident drunk chic'. (Well, it's good street theatre.)
Kali thought. You could tell she was thinking cos she was frowning and sighing and looking like she was in pain. "LC..." She began slowly. "I want to sell glitter."
LC looked Kali up and down. "Alright. Hang on." She got up and fetched a box from under the table. She made Kali stand in it. "Now, jump."
And Kali did. All the glitter on her floated down and into the box until it was half full. "I- th- think I wa- want to sell it as f- f- f- fairy dus-st." Kali said as she jumped. LC shrugged and left her to it.
As she roamed around the market she felt a little bit proud that perhaps she had helped her band's image in some way. Then again, all they were doing was earning a bit of cash on the side whilst at the same time painting people to look like freaks. On her return she spotted a little kid crying and Kali trying to hush her.
"Kali! You throw the fairy dust 'over' the kids, not 'at' them. She'll be blinded for life!" LC sighed.
Kali bit her lip as she hugged the kid. "Um... oh god. I wish my Liam was here. He'd know what to do."
"Would he?" LC asked. "Why?"
Kali paused and shrugged. "I dunno, I just had to say summat. I wish we'd brought the guys with and not left them at home.... hey LC, look at who Red's painting, isn't that-"
"Shut up!" LC went into freakout mode. She tried to hide behind the table but Gaby had passed out there and was lying in a puddle of tequila (well, that's what it smelt like). Shoving on a Red's red sunglasses and pulling one of Jess's beanies over her head she crouched over the little kid whom Kali had ruined, and pretended to look like a worried mother. Too late.
As she stood up, she felt someone's arms around her waste. She spun around. "Oh. Hey- um I mean, do i know you?"
"Yes you do." Said the person. "It's me- Damon, your first serious shag in the story before it got deleted. Why are you wearing that beanie and those glasses? You look like a demented homie."
LC snatched the 'disguise' off her and looked for an escape route.
"Sooooo, where's your girlfriend?" She asked hopefully.
"Oh yknow... I don't have one." He looked at his shoes.
"You here with the other guys? Graham, Alex, Dave???" LC tried again.
He shook his head. "I'm here alone. Just having a day out. Graham says thanks. I dunno why but he mentioned summat abt Noel and alcohol and crying. And proposing. You didn't take it up I hope."
LC tried to make conversation and laughed. "Of course not. So um... what did Red give you?"
"Oh this!" He showed her his arm which had a sketchy drawing of some paisley and 'paisley and tofu rock' written underneath. "I think that may be the title of our next album. What do you think?"
LC shook her head and tried to make it look like she needed to help out at the stall. Despite the fact that there weren't many ppl around. Bloody ex- shags, never leaving you alone.
[hey- whoever's next, erase this little bit here, but can we make red shag damon somehow? she needs a root. and so does he. thanx]
(Kali's bit - I don't wanna erase that little bit there, I think its funny ;) (insert readers shaking their heads going "Oh Kali Kali Kali...tsk tsk...always being so damn cheeky..")(anyway) Kali dived in. "LC LC LC! I'm getting quite stroppy so I'm gonna go get a drink so you take over my glitter okay?" Kali shrieked, skipping indoors. LC happily took her place as Damon wandered back over to Red, seeing as she needs a shag and all.
"That's nice." Damon said, leaning over Red's shoulder & watching her draw a demented "circus" (indian) elephant on a three year old's arm. "Thanks. I'm trying to use a 16th century deca art motif blah blah blah" Red explained. Damon nodded, seeing as he has such an extensive appreciation for art. (cough) "Hey, let's go shag in the bushes" Red suggested, and the pair were off, leaving the 3 year old with an elephant's bum tattoed on his arm.
Kali stumbled outside & checked up on LC at the glitter booth. "Well, things seem to be in order here, I'll be going back inside now..." Kali observed. "Wait wait wait, you're not going anywhere" LC said, grabbing Kali's arm and planting her in the glitter box. "Argh." Kali groaned. "Well at least let me go get Liam out of the pub's bathroom and tell him we're not gonna shag." LC gave Kali a dodgy look and told her to stay put.
"So I says, I don't even like potatoes, am I right, am I right?" Jess said to one of the customers who was getting his hair dyed blonde. LC thought he looked familiar but shrugged it off and continued on her way to take over the henna booth.
Gaby looked drunkenly over at LC. "LC, what the fuck is Kali doing talking to Patsy Kensit?" Gaby slurred, nodding towards the glitter infested area. "Why the fuck is she hugging Liam Gallagher? That's like, disgusting. She shagged his bro and now she's gonna shag him?" LC shuddered.
"Okay, all done!" Jess said, looking quite proud of her job. LC spilled henna all over one of Red's paisley patterned shirts & hid it under the table. "LC, lookit what I got!" Kali said, ambling over with Patsy's James in her arms. "Kals, the kid is like, ten, he can walk by himself." LC remarked. "Yeah I know, but he's just too cute!" Kali shrieked, squeezing James tightly. James hung limply and quietly in Kali's arms. This is what showbiz and fifteen different fathers does to kids, folks. "Besides, he's got plenty of time to walk around with me. Patsy and Liam are going to some party thing and the 20th nanny just quit after Liam asked her to do his laundry, so I get to watch James for the day. Isn't this exciting? I'm babysitting for celebrities!" Kali shrieked again. LC just nodded and rolled her eyes as Kali skipped off to play in the glitter box with James.
Red and Damon finally emerged from the most wooded area in the place and went their seperate ways. "So, LC, anything interesting happen while I was gone?" Red plonked herself down next to LC, luckily not noticing the henna soaked paisley shirt. LC shrugged and looked around slowly. "Hey, who's that blonde over there playing in the glitter box with Kali and James?" LC asked, squinting. "Umm...I dunno." Red played dumb. Which isn't too hard. (sorry red, but if I've gotta be a bimbo in this story I'm taking you all down with me) Then he turned around. LC screamed and fell off her chair. Molko ran over. "LC, LC, are you okay?"
"GET OFF, YOU PONCE! YOU'RE SPRINKING GLITTER ALL OVER ME!" LC screamed, scrambling to her feet & trying not to kill someone. Kali was sitting in the glitter box watching the fiasco with her hands over James' ears. "It's okay, mommy and daddy call each other words like that all the time!" James squeaked.
"Err, I think it's time to go home" Jess said, packing up her hair dye and helping Red and Kali with the reviving of Gaby and the packing of the henna, glitter, and alcohol (what Gabs hadn't gotten to anyway). In the meantime, Molko was begging LC, who had found herself an outdoor corner to hide in, to speak to him.
"Let's leave them here, LC can get pretty scary. She'll bite our heads off - literally - if we try to talk to her." Red advised, hopping in the ride back to the flat. Kali dived out of the car & ran inside. "Liammmm!!!!!" she yelled. Jess and Red heard a thud and then a lot of giggling. "Oh, they're alive." Jess observed, helping drag the shit inside. "Hey Kals you left your adopted child out there" Red said, dropping all her henna stuff inthe middle of the floor. "Redddd! The persian rug!" Steve whined, pushing the henna into Red's tent area. Kali went outside to retrieve little James from the middle of the street and brought in the last of her glitter.
"Here Liam, I brought you a friend" Kali said, handing over James and a football to poor little welsh boy. "How d'you like that. They both just ditched me." Kali observed as Liam & James ran out back to play football.
"Where's Brian?" Steve asked, looking around. "Oh, him and LC are having a major row right now 'cos he dyed his hair blonde." Jess explained. (LC's rather-bitter-and-angry bit) Steve cringed as a smash of broken glass and some yelling floated downstairs.
"It's my fault." Jess mumbled. "I did it to him."
The lovely Steve shushed Jess and made her watch Tv with him to take her mind off it.
Molko leaned out of the broken window. "That was my guitar!!! That was the best guitar I own! What the *hell* did you do that for???"
"You won't be needing your fucking guitar now that you've gone blonde." LC sneered.
"Why not?" Molko demanded.
"Because you're gonna become a bimbo and join the fucking Spice Girls!!!" LC exploded.
"I'm not! I just dyed my hair for Christ's sake! I just wanted to see how it would look." Molko defended himself.
"Well it looks crap! I told you not to do it! I *told* you- and what do you do? You go out and get it done. I can't believe your stupidity. I can't believe your childishness. I can't believe the fact that I can't believe this. Get out. Get out of here and don't come back until it's grown out." Lc paced up and down the room. Molko just stood there. "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!"
LC could see that he wasn't moving. "Right." She said curtly. "If you aren't going- i will." And with that she dashed downstairs. She bumped into Gaby who was drunkenly pulling herself up the stairs.
"Hey LCers..... why are you so angry?" LC just ignored her.
Red backed away as she saw LC fling open the door. And slam it.
"Oh my god." She breathed. "Dudes! She's so fucking pissed off it isn't even funny. Where's she going?"
Jess shrugged. "Away from me."
The wonderful Steve patted her arm. "Away from Molko more like."
LC, in a rage stormed into the police station. "Right! She screamed. "I want transport and I want it NOW!!!" Becasue she has amazing power and the ability to turn evil when she's angry, a police car pulled up outside the station. "Not that!" She cried. "An unmarked car!" An unmarked car pulled up. LC dashed outside, shoved out the driver and sped off.
(That night) Molko lay in the cold and empty bed and sobbed quietly to himself. Why had he done this? It was only an experiement.... Did it have to come to this? God... he needed a shag. And Kali's room was so close...
Kali lay in the arms of her Welshboy. She hoped LC would be back in the morning so that they could swoon over Kula Shaker and Kelly Jones. Mind you, she always had Gaby for that. She didn't need LC.
Red trembled under her sari. LC meant business. She hoped that she wasn't lost. Or that she at least had a jumper with her to keep her warm. Mmmm... that Damon was great....
Gaby lay in a drunken mess on the floor with imagesof tequila dancing thru her mind...
Jess smiled to herself. It wasn't her fault that LC was pissed off. Infact it was probably better that she was. She curled up next to Steve and hugged him.
LC shivered. God she wished she'd brought a jumper. Stonehenge is a bloody cold place at night. She tossed and turned ont he sacred grass. She wasn't feeling anymore peacful than before. She was killing for a conversation abt Kula Shaker and Kelly Jones though. Maybe she was being stupid and acting like a brat. But then, the anti-social side of her had kicked in and an area such as this, with no ppl was just fine.
There was some breathing and muttering coming from next to one of the stones. LC froze. Oh my God, it was the spirits of the ancient druids coming to get her. Chanting away in.... their language. Runes. Slowly she forced herself to get up and walk over to the noise. She gulped and stopped breathing. Well, that's how she gets when she's terrified. The noise became louder and more clear. There was a light. A little spark moving up and down followed by an inhaling noise. Oh. "Hey!" LC choked.
In the darkness, the person strained to see. "Oh... oh! Hi! What are you doing here?"
"Finding inner peace and all that. Is that a spliff?" LC pointed to the little light.
"Yeah- have some."
"No thanks Crispian. I just wanted to clear it up for the readers that's all. So why are you here, dare i ask?" She sat down next to Crispy.
"I come here a lot. To think and meditate. You look cold. Here..." He pulled LC closer and she snuggled into his authentic Indian Llama fur jacket.
"Thanks." LC said, feeling warmer. "I'm just... I'm so depressed......"
"Oh hush now. Come on, tell me all your worries." Crispy said.
"Well... it's just, you know my boyfriend?" She began.
"Yeah he bought some shit off me one time at Glasto and I ripped him off." Crispy smiled, inhaling deeply.
"Yeah well he's gone and dyed his hair blonde." LC sighed.
"Ain't nothin' wrong with blonde hair, babe." Crispy giggled.
"Yeah but it is on him. So I ran away. And threw his guitar out of the window. And now I'm scared he won't like me anymore....." LC wept into Crispy's shouler.
"I'm sure he will. You both just need time alone. To sort things out and get in touch with your energies." Crispian wisely told her.
LC nodded. "You're right. Thanks."
Crispy smiled. "No problem."
LC, feeling a bit lonely and cold and well.... whatever else she could later use as an excuse, playfully ran a few fingers thru Crispy's locks. He smiled and looked at his hands which appeared to be all weird and psychadelic due to the spliff. She let her fingers trace the outline of his jaw and down his neck. She felt the softness of his skin and the warmth radiating from the pulses which coarsed the blood thru his veins- and all those other nonscence things you notice when you've been breathing second hand smoke from a weird hippy dude. Crispy turned to her and lifted her chin with his finger. He leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. As LC's worries and hatred melted away, her energies became pure and she thought "Bloody hell, Kali's gonna be jealous when she finds out about this."